Remain Quiet

afraid to say
i love you
afraid it might be
too little, too late
I have doubted it
every time it passed your lips
frowned my face
wondering how
wondering why
why would you
or anyone
love me

But I am ready
ready to believe me
loveable
ready to believe me worthy
ready to try to bestow upon you
an emotion
I barely have for me
can I love you
if I don't know how to love me

I am unsure
but I want to try
I want to say it
I want to utter those three words
that seems so easy
but feel like
stones passing through my
vocal chords
I love you
but, dammit
I just can't say it

i can't force it
maybe one day you will realize
but, then again, maybe you won't
either way
I just remain quiet.

The Perfect Christmas

The Perfect Christmas

The sunlight trickles
through the window shades
snow, so light
falling perfectly
a dizzying maze of
unique imprinted
icicles from heaven

you
here with me
complete
hugged tight
my eyes resting on the festival of lights
boldly flashing from our
tiny tabletop tree

The begining
the first one
the future laid out in front of us
like an immaculately spread, magnifiscently prepared
bountiful buffet
meager gifts ignored;
You have already taken all of me and
I received the most intimately hidden wonders

of you

we have forever
we have right now
we have shared dreams
we have everything
wrapped in each other's arms
watching heavens exquisite sprinkles
I close my eyes and
melt like those beautiful snowflakes
in the sincere warmth of your kiss

the perfect Christmas

I Owe You

I think I owe you
a little bit more
maybe not the truth
Im not ready to
go there yet
but more

My loyalty
for all you have been
to me
a beam of support
a strength through the night
your whispered tones
trailing a path
down my neck
along my
sides
tickling me so lightly
caressing so gently

My patience
for any perceived fault
ignoring any deserved slight
understanding that we
have dragged this thing on
without definition
and frustration makes us
reach out and
harm, hurt and maim
one another

My love
for the brilliant being
that dwells so humbly
within you
that you mask and cover
but allow me to
peep and
revel in your shine

I owe you something
a little bit more
not the truth
not yet
but certainly
every other bit
of me

Staring

Breathless
stunned and dazed
amazed
straddling your lap
sinking softly into your firmness
staring into your
light brown eyes
forehead pressed against yours
lips laid gently
upon yours
but not kissing
staring
with each rise
with each fall
staring
staring
staring
lost in this sea
your eyes
the wonder of your being

who is this person?
why does he inspire
beauty in me,
imagination and freedom
each whispered promise
singing like a gentle lullaby
soothing the crevices
of my soul
riding this ocean
slowly
so slowly
lifting and lowering with
each magnifiscent wave
my forehead against his
our eyes wide open, locked
united
lips touching, ever so softly
but parted, open
gasping
hypnotized
in love

do you remember?

The Truth

You want me to share you
but I don't want to
I am not ready to release
the fantasies of us
of the couple we could be
of the partnership we could have
of the lovin we could make
of the intimacies we could share

I am not ready
to relinquish all of that
to acknowledge this friendship
will never be romance
to announce to my heart
what my mind always suspected
I am nothin more
than your friend

Its selfish I know
immature, I admit
but the truth
is what it is
and I,
I am not ready
to let go

Avoidance

His eyes are on her
she can feel it
without looking
without confirming
becuase her heartbeat quickens
and her palms just got sweaty

He is watching her and
she is not sure why
it must be innocent,
his intentions
his wishes
although a million voltages
seem to pierce into her side
with each glance,
burning her mind
inflaming her imagination

She can't look back
not directly at him
she floats her eyes
over and around
under and beside
anything to avoid
his penetrating look
because the truth
is in her eyes
the wanting is drawn out
like a detailed portrait
and she can't control it
didn't ask for it
does not understand her primal response
her sexual magnetism
to his adoring stare


She looks everywhere
but not at him...

Soul Search

So tired of being alone
surrounded by people
but remaining companionless
interacting with so many
but being understood by
none

So tired of being alone
fighting back
empty, fending for myself
fighting for myself
defending my worth
my deserved love
trying to find a pocket in which
I finally fit
I am accepted
within which I can receive
unconditional love

Unconditional love
where he finds me delightful, just because
deserving, just because
irregardless of what things
I have done for him

Im tired
of the internal silence
invading my eardrums and
drowning out all other sound
while my soul searches
for its genuine mate

Im tired

She Took You Away

How did she
take you away from me?
tell me - i desperately need to know
Did she whisper in your ear
and affirm you masculine wonder
did she sprinkle you with affirmation
lightly oil you in excitement
in pure wonder
addicted to what you are
what you are capable of invoking?

Did she wield her pen
and scribe for you an intimate telling
a vision of the light that
shines in her innermost cavern,
of the candle you lit deep
deep, so deep within
by your unique scent
your pressured fingertips, and
the light tickle
from the tip of your perfect tongue?

Did she sing you a song
of lust
that out strummed my rhythm?
Did she dance for you
a sensuos overture that made you forget
how you made me sway
swing, dip, shake and vibrate
bellydancing my unique expression
for you?
Did she sit at the piano
stroking the melody that
your bountiful manness
automatically inspires
overplaying the many tunes
which poured from my hands?

Dont turn your back on me.
pleez, tell me
how did she
take you away from me?

Ole Me

Felt alluring
sexy
mischievous and
adventurous
enjoying flirting
light hearted teasing
seeing your response and
your intense reaction

but then
I spotted my reflection
and my facade
came tumbling down
instead of the
temptress
the femme fatale
I wanted to be
I spotted
plain ole brown me
just me

the energy drained out of me
the confidence seeped away
my insecurities weighed
like a brick
around my throat
I became
embarrassed, humiliated
I fell quiet
while you watched me, confused

But what had I been thinking
how had I fooled myself
how had I forgotten the basic truth
who would want
the plain brown ordinary
ole me

What If

What if
I have always loved you
really
What if
our first meeting
was destiny
a divine plan
a universal intervention

What if
we were supposed to
always know each other
be here for each other

What if
we messed it up
when you chose her
and I chose him
what if the choosing
swung us away from
what our fate had
already determined
aligning us only
in a friendship
in a supportship
instead of
a lifeship

Tell me the truth
Haven't you ever wondered
what if?

The Departing

I knew
it was the last time
I would see his face
my heart hurt
becuase there was
nothing I could do
no way I could
stop time
turn back fate
and make it different

My blessed grandfather
cried when he saw me
tears poured down his face
as I hugged him tight
I needed to see him
My soul told me to go
to make it happen
but I didn't realize
until the morning of my
return flight home
that I would
never see him
alive
again

I just knew
as he stood in the carport
and waved at me
blew kisses
his smooth dark face
wet with tears
a sudden fear
realization claimed my sense
clenched my insides
the desperate need to
vomit
overtook my brain
I couldn't stop the car
I couldn't turn back time
I didn't know the time or the date
but my soul
felt like a stone
dropping to the very pit of me

I never saw him
alive
again

Just Because

Just because
you haven't seen me latelty
doesn't mean
I haven't thought of you
wished you well
wondered about you
hoped the best for you

Just because I haven't
had time to cross your path
doesn't mean
I'm not still
amazed by you
so impressed by you
encouraging you
inspired by you

Just because you haven't
seen my face
met my eyes
heard my voice
doesn't mean
that the caring is
any less intense
the longing
any less real
the desire
any less acute

Just because our life's path
hasn't crossed again
doesn't mean I
don't hold you dear
hold you near

Just because...

Forever

The truth is
I want to make love to you

I want to wrap my arms
around you
I want to kiss you deeply
passionately
make the roof of your mouth
tingle

The truth is
I want to learn you
learn what you like
love
what makes you lose control
what makes you stare at me
watch me
with a mystified expression
as you feel new sensations
and learn love
on a deeper level

The truth is
I want to make love to you
to physically express all these emotions
that you stir up within me
until you shudder with delight
until you feel as special
as wanted
as adored
as loved
as you make me feel

The truth is
I could go on and on
forever

In Love

I think I
love you
as impossible as it sounds
as unlikely as
it may be
as simple as the concept is
it has confused every
aspect of me

This burning breathless
sensation
doesn't feel good
needing to see you
doesn't feel pleasant
I feel lik I am
running out of breath
water is rising rising
soon to cover my head
and drown me in the
thoughts of you

You got me panicked
not sure if you will stay
not wanting you to go
can't lay claim
can't figure out why

I, I think I am
in love with you
but I don't like
the feel of love
the aftertaste
clings to me
uncomfortable, this fit is
too tight
to uncertain and I am
entirely too
vulnerable

Run Away

I always retreat, huh?
when this becomes too close
too real
too open
me wide
that's when its time
for me to withdraw

You do it too
don't act like you don't
a deep conversation
a whispered reality
my dreams and fantasies
a forbidden visit
hours we will share
then, you
don't return a phone call
an email
a text
and we remain on mute
for months at a time

I retreat
You withdraw
we collide
by fate, by coincidence
another phone call
another conversation
another uniting
another blissful encounter
and we both run away
we both run away

Tore It Up

I wrote you a love letter
from the deepest regions of my heart
My pen bled my hidden secrets
how much I've loved you
for so long

But I tore it up.

I wrote you a truth
a simple truth
and in the writing I discovered
that you have always been a part of me
that we have always had a safe space
a special boundary
but I have always wanted more

I never realized it
until I read
my own writing
and
accepting reality
I tore it up.

I tore it up
because we have never
come close
and I will never be bold enough
to tell the truth
brave enough
to say what I feel
no matter how you will respond
making me weak
spineless
and leaving me with
nothing more
than tiny shreds of paper

I wrote the truth
but I tore it up.

Molten Lava

Like molten lava
deep ebony chocolate
surging smoothness of
definte perfected proportions
I finally really see you

speechless
wordless
my brain ceases communication
terminates background noise
cingularly directed
magnetized and focused

Like carmelized sugar
deeply enriched honey
a slight taste
overwhelms the sense
raising the pressure and igniting fantasies
leaving me longing
wishing
wanting for
another chance with you
another chance with
molten chocolate lava
burning a deep path
across my being...

Beautiful Soul

In the wee hours of the night
I see your eyes
watching
wanting
wishing
remembering
I am captivated
wishing I could read
the unspoken words
the untraced thoughts
the silent meaning
the havy longing

In the wee hours of the night
I feel you watching
I crack my lids
to silently meet you
reveal the mirrored emotion
stare into the windows
of your beautiful soul

Your Fingertips

Your fingertips
rested gently
against my lips
and the words
no longer needed to escape
your eyes
let me know
that you understood
my heart let me know
that you were the one
your fingertips
rested gently
against my lips...

Slow Down

It's happening too fast
this whirlwind of
excitement
this sudden avalanche
of emotion

where is my control

Don't you think
we are rushing things a bit
you were willing to wait
while I was special, but
now it is all we do
all we talk about
all each encounter is about

I feel my fascination with you
quickly fading
if this is all you have to add
to my life
there is so much more
so much more
than just this
there is so much more
so much more
that even this could be
if we take time
and learn each other
pay attention to each other
study each other

Let's slow down
I think we are worth it...

Repost: Tshirt and Sweatpants

***I am reposting one of my favorite writes - my inner bad girl enjoys this one***

He wore
tshirt and sweat pants
she watched while he
stood mellow and cool
the precision cut physique of beauty
covered
hidden
by
tshirt and sweat pants

Yet, she became warm
staring at the loose waist of those pants
knowing easy access required little effort
and realizing that the chiseled hip bone
was a simply an arms length away
the tight flat ridge of abdominal muscles
a mere brush of her hand a few inches higher
the tshirt laying perfectly about
broad shoulders
between which she fit
just right

Licking her lips she
pulled her eye away
lowered her head and
attempted to focus on all things that
would release the pressure steadily rising
causing a natural throbbing
at her womanly temple
simply by observing him
chillin
in tshirt and sweatpants

Wanting More

How could I ask
for anymore
than what he has
already given me

How could I yearn
for the unknown
when he has spread
miles of dreams
at my doorstep
years of hopes
within my seed

How could I long
for a simple illicit touch
a dangerous rendezvous
a delectable first kiss
when he has offered me his soul
his heart
his love
unconditionally

How could I crave
the one I can't have
while completely disinterested
in the one who wants me

How could I,
but isn't that
how it always is?

Reinvent Me

Remember when I wanted to
reinvent me
wishing God had
made me pretty
in that normal kinda way
made me special in that
easily recognizable way

wanted to be cheerleader cute
but, that just wasn't me
wanted to be suave girl fly
but never had the resources
or the permission
wished for
lighter skin
a thinner nose
straighter hair
wider hips
narrower torso
luscious curves
perfect lips
etc...etc...

But, in the end
i still had me
and no matter what
i still saw me
after time, patience
self examining and calm realization
the me I saw
didn't seem so bad
after all

Mr. Bethea

Your essence
is drenched across each page
As I study the notes
I recall the decade of lessons
you teaching me to
read music
feel music
understand music
the dignified respect of
gracing the piano

And now, years later
years after your funeral
years after the innocent me
was forced to mature
I open those books
the same books
with your careful script
your concise direction
I can hear your slight cough
your perfected reprimand

Now, as I teach my daughters
the hidden secret in music
its beautiful continuity
its unconditional acceptance
its melodic poetry
I hear your voice
and remember your way
your encouragement
I realize that I never told you
how much I adored you
how much I admired you
how much I held you in awe

through your notes, your script
your constant demand for perfection
through your lessons of music and life
I remember you and
your legacy certainly
lives on

Love Me

Love Me

It's dark
and I am all alone
wanting
yearning
needing
to connect with you

It's dark
and you are gone
hoping
wishing
needing
to stay far away from me

You said
my love
suffocates
expects
depends
encompasses and then
traps

You said
you needed space
peace
quiet
to think
of a reason
any reason
to stay with me

It's dark
and in the shadows
I search my mind
recall my flaws
over and over again
I am so embarassed
I am so alone
I want you to love me
as much
as I love you

This is the time

We told our son
to enjoy his youth
his life
live responsible
but free

Current girlfriends
will probably not be future wives
so current relationships
should not feel like obligatory binds
rather they must be
mutual friendships and united interaction
with girls who
have their own plans,dreams, expectations and goals

It is a time
to learn yourself
your likes, wants and desires
your needs
It is a time
to learn about others
interacting, discussing, encouraging
discovering how to be
a true and loyal friend
It is a time
to learn about women
the many personalities
the sane and the crazy
the wild and the robust
the ones who are keepers
and the ones who are not
learning to decipher the distance
and examine beyond the
beautiful physique
to identify
rare gold

Maybe he wants
a deep relationship
maybe he seeks
a solid companion
maybe monogamy is
his much needed stabilizer
but, maybe not

We told our son
that this is the time
to learn
to love
to live
to live
to live...

Perfect Hugs

He gives
the most perfect hugs

almost inexplicable
how the world
fades away
and a steady comforting
encompasses you
enclosed in his arms like
a dense fortress
his chest
pressed tight against you
leaving no doubt
that he is copping a feel
ironic because his body
is so perfect
and little does he know
you are getting a thrill
right back

built like an adonis
there is always
a whispered word
a slight groan
a muttered breath
layed gently in your ear
as you remain press fitted into
his perfect little world
if his hugs feel this good
then anything more is
unimaginable
xrated
and tantrically blissful

i'm telling you
he gives the most perfect hugs...

Only Friends?

My friend
my homeboy
whom I shared
all my secrets with
who told me
all of his
elicit escapades
we were bonded
on the strength of friends

Then, over lunch
he made the proposition
were we mature enough
strong enough
solid enough
to do a little bit more
even though we were friends

and we could still
keep it friendly like
finding physical comfort
in each other
without stretching the mental component
past friendship

Because we knew each other
so well
knew things about the other
that even our partners
could never know
so how could we not
please one another
not benefit from
sex without obligation
and remain friends

I thought on it
we both did
but in the end
we digressed because
our union would
only create pain
for so many others
in our world

we both knew
that once we joined
there was no way
we would remain only friends

His Kiss

His lips

I want the dream to
go past his lips
hoping the fantasy
will show me more
delve further along
the strong jaw line
the wide thick neck
the broad shoulders and
the carved torso

But the fantasy ends
at his lips
repeatedly
thats where I linger
where my mind finds fascination
where I can feel the softness of his touch
the warmth of his breath
the searching of his tongue
the euphoria of my mind
turning a simple kiss
into the most intoxicating experience
into the most sensual expression
leaving me wanting
nothing more
than
his kiss

Pressure

Doesn't pressure make you
learn things about yourself
that you never before knew

I didn't know that
I could be alone
without a man
if I had to
I could survive
not only survive but
actually be content
despite lonely nights

I didn't know that
I had other options
other potentials
others offering support
financial
emotional
physical

I didn't know that
me myself and I
provided fine company
entertaining amusement
creative inspiration

the things I learned
on my own
a woman changed
expanded outside the box
becuase of life's changes
cruel ultimatums
and strong internal will

pressure crushed my circumstance
destroyed my world
but reformed me
into something so much better
so much more pure
more than I ever thought I could be

The Believer

It is a rare opportunity
to go for a dream
to risk it all
to pursue what is in your heart

Most people quit
search for an excuse
a reason
an alternative
to give up

Because success is hard
painful
long and exhausting
life, by its very nature
is designed with
booby traps and stumbling blocks
to dishearten the spirit and
smash dreams

But you, you are perservering
believing
continuing and pushing
toward that dream
that goal
that belief
despite what you have given up
despite what you have had to go through
despite what life has dealt
despite hate envious souls have flung your way
and I
I am so very proud of you

Eight Years Old

"you stupid bitch"
the woman uttered
the evil words
whipping across eight year old ears
tears
pouring down her young face
as she grasped her homework
and hoped if she remained quiet
she could ride out another storm

"i hate your stupid self"
a mother said
and a daughter
internalized it
already knowing she was worthless
her father had long ago proven that

but now her mother
in a routine vent
imprinted it on her brain
her tears staining the math work
her heart unraveling into shreds
because now she finally understood
her mother's anger
was justified
and was all her fault
since she was nothing more
than a stupid bitch

Share Memories

What do you do
when your memories
cause so much daily pain
when, after tears and prayer
the enormity still presses
against your chest
eliminating
your ability to breathe

when revealing the truth
will embarrass the perpetrator
but keeping it concealed
will only harm you
and sharing your experience
may give hope
to so many others
who also suffer
silently

what do you do?

Simply Inspirational

Inspiration
I find you inspiring
amazing
driven
focused
sure
definite
solidly enhancing

inspiration
you are my inspiration
without agenda
or ulterior motive
no obligation
or awkward appeal
no malintent
or untoward purpose
I simply find you inspiring
simply inspirational

Ethiopian God

My hair wasn't done
sweat suited up
running through the rain
lookin rough
Paid for the gas already
but wanted some Bubbleyum

Yeah, I still chew Bubbleyum

Mulled over the flavors
decided on watermelon, of course
threw the dollar on the tray
under the thick glass plating
looking up for the first time

He was an Ethiopian God
stunned I glanced back down
avoiding his eyes
cuz mine always give me away
he smiled
held my change with his fingertips
instead of throwing it into the tray
I smiled in response
while he laid the money in my hand
met his eyes again
we both chuckled
both playin this flirting game
I lost though, looking away first
his eyes contained rivers of possibilities
so I only glanced back once
enjoying the warm feeling of attraction
in the pit of my stomach

amazed, cuz it never fails,
that I seem to get
more male attention
when I think I am
looking my worst..

A Choice

Listen carefully
peace is a decision
contentment takes effort
choosing to be happy
must be the only choice

I will savor each moment
that I am in
regardless of
my circumstance
I will participate in my life
and in others
I refuse to miss
any more firsts, lasts or
once in a lifetimes

It took years
but I found a measure of peace
a span of contentment
an inner joy
and I have promised
to hold into it
no matter what

The Hickey

"A hickey"
she pointed at my neck
I shook my head no
trying to remember when
but adamently denying it
"Yeah, I noticed it too"
another one chimed in
embarassment flooding my face
cause I'm in my early thirties
walking around with
passion marks on my neck
sportin collarless shirts
clueless
wondering how long I'd had it
who all had seen it
how big was it and
and how much evidence
of my sex life
had I unknowingly exposed
to my small world

Glad Its Over

With a busted lip
a tired spirit
an aching body
a hurting soul

my son came home

after breathing football
bleeding sport
ravaging yardage and
splaying out talents
passing
receiving
tackling
blocking
defending
running
diving
intercepting

three stitches
the bloodied lip
an aching hip
sore legs
championship dreams
once again demolished
playoff pursuits
coming to an end

must admit
i am glad it is over
glad that he will no longer
give all that he has
to a program that thinks him minimal
undermines him in both the media and to future coaches
thinks nothing of his sacrifice
of his education beyond this level
of the lifelong dreams residing deep inside
of his love of the game
of his loyalty
of his ability

So, I am sorry for the loss
sorry for his busted lip
sorry for his teammates tears

But I am glad its over....

Understanding

Learned my lesson
I guess
saw another side
a different view point
an alternative glance
when he met my eyes

this man that I
purposed in my heart
to hate

But he studied me
with measured carefulness
his eyes inquiring
how two people
could be so similar
and have common goals
but adamantly deny
the possibility of working together

I learned my lesson
when my anger dissipated
dissolved
disintegrated
leaving shames residue
leaving understandings patience
I cannot judge
I wouldn't walk a mile in his shoes
Don't envy his position
so glad I don't have to make his decisions

and who am I
to judge, anyway

Physical Reaction

My tongue tingles
cheeks quiver
rivers of adrenaline
flow throw my being
because you chose
to be with me
talk with me
smile at me
share a secret
with me

My breath is short
I smile but
bite my cheek to
stop from grinning
too hard
trying to limit the obvious
and remove the easiness

As you step closer
your voice is drowned out
by the pounding of my heart
and throbbing of my
inner woman
identifying you
longing for you
wide open
for you

My physical reaction
to your spiritual being
your inherent manness
your perfect oneness

To Football

Who do you think
you are
what part of this
do you not understand
how dare you drop in
this late in the game
thinking you can
influence life decisions
weigh in on
future contemplations
damn you
for being the gate
through which we have to pass
the portal
by which all media communicates
the mouthpiece for where
our child may attend
or be interested
and where you think
you can influence him to go

It is close to hate
the lens through which
I view you
because you are playing
with my most precious
affecting my most innocent
and undermining
my most sincere

maybe i should check you now
step to you
and blow up your world
but he has asked me
not to
so I will just wait
and bide my time
secure his future
and move on with mine

but you better know
that our paths shouldn't cross
in the future
cross the street and
look the other way
because without the maternal leash
I will remind you
of exactly who and what
I think you are...

New York

Im feeling like
New York City
on a
romantic night
remember my birthday trip
our lovers dip
into the fast paced lane
immersing ourselves
between the layers of its
sweet vibe and
never ending energy

I want to escape
to New York City
just for a day
or two
you know how we do
laughing and flirting
wining and dining
living and loving
every single time

its in my blood
in my mind
i gotta craving
a delectable desire
a single solitary itch
you know the cure
I am in need of some
New York City shine

Feelin you

I'm feeling you
with your
easy smile and
sexy way
your face
masks all emotion
but I can
make you look
make you wonder
see your eyebrow lift
your chin slightly rise

your my type of man
never pressed
always smooth
always real
always easy
powerful
I'm feelin you,
but you already know

What happens

What happens
when I can't grasp onto that energy
that is floating around me
springing just past me
beckoning me to
scribe it
give it physical form
transform it into peotry

but i can't quite
captuee it
grasp it
hold on to the string
and pull tightly
unraveling the spiritual mystery
that will pour down the
mysterious words
and create a
rhytmic
peice

what happens when
the words dry up
and I
find myself empty
what do I do
then

Luv?

Wasn't sure
whether I should feel
flattered or offended
when he said it
a silent thrill overtook me
but then
I got scared
because the look in his eyes
removed the beauty of it
the pureness of it
and revealed
a protective insanity
a veiled ultimatum
a quiet challenge
when he said it
I knew that he loved me
but wondered whether I wanted
his love
because
it no longer
felt safe

Unsure how to respond
when he looked at
me
and whispered
"don't you ever
try to leave me..."

Destruction

a million pieces
like shards of glass
splintered and sharp
the slightest touch
drawing the
deepest red
exposing liquid life

a thousand pieces
like a ripe fruit
tossed from a
fifty story window
juices scattering across
broken remains and
shattered seeds
forever wasted
against the black top
of my life

a hundred peices
like the torn paper
from a child's scissors
snipping and cutting
trimming and hedging
always going too far
slaughtering the
beauty of the creation
for the thrill of the cut
the joy of power and domain
of control over something's destiny

freeze dried
so that the crash
would be more devastating
more damaging
undeniably permanent
that is what it is
the destruction of my soul

redeemed

and just like that
it disappeared
the emotion
that has been dwelling
unwanted
in the center of my core
taking over my mind
invading my thoughts
making me
question my sanity and
bow my head in shame
the thought of you
the memory of you
the mere suggestion
of us

just like that
I have been released
from your tantalizing spell
your wicked stronghold
your luscious promises

just like that
I have been
redeemed

My Oasis

On a oasis
we sit
me and you
you and I
isolated and alone
linked but unsure
together yet quietly apart

you smile
lips part and
sunshine invades my mind
overtakes my spirit
your spoken word
the dew that rests upon
my chest
the fountain that springs forth
from my womb

the maddening sound of life
rushing forth
growing and blooming
thick and lush
like the carpeted swath of grass
beneath my feet
beneath my head
beneath my back
staring up at you

My oasis
turning dust
into life

Like a Fool

Lie a lost child
I wander into
the lion's den
stumbled upon
the lone enemy
a savage
a madman

Like a young fool
I fell for the
image
the idea
ignoring the obvious and
reasoning away the predictable
I could change him
I could make him mine

Like the class dunce
I wonder how
everyone understood the
street slang but me
read in between the lines and
deciphered the code
but me
knoew to stay far away
and leave him alone
but me

Like a fool
I am trapped in the
tangle of my own design
a trap
of my own setting
because I
loved him
more than me

Still Here

You know, don't you?
that I am still hear
that you are still
on my mind
in my thoughts
invading my body
distorting my focus

did you think
I would fade
give in
move on or
lose interest
don't you know
that I am still here?

The Lost Ones

They asked me
to write a story
about the lost ones
the ones past
those who have crossed over
and faded into that other dimension

and their images
came back to me
in a forceful flurry
as if the faucet had been
turned on
and those ignored
finally received redemption

how can so many loved ones
be lost
how could they have
left me
abondoned me

Why should I think about them
when the mere memory
makes my heart hurt
turmoil and pain
bubble to the surface and
the realization that they are forever gone
leaves me empty

They asked me to write
about the lost ones
and my mind wrapped itself
into a cocoon
of grief

The Natural Reaction

You bring a whirlwind
of emotion
the spring of the sea
so fresh
so gentle
the breeze of your voice
the brush of your hand

You cause a sweeping rise
the quiet hush
the still night
the perfect moment
a starry sky
the chill of snow
the rhythm of nature
the rise of a woman

You
you cause
the natural reaction
of me

Reminisce

We discussed
childhood
at work the other day
reminiscing on childish schemes and
innocent pranks
parents punishment
and beatings masked as discipline

As we talked
the stories became
more and more cruel
the techniques utilized
seemed evil and inhumane
our smiles and laughs of light reminscing
covering
the intense pain
the devastating loss of innocence

WE refused to acknowledge that
we were abused
we suffered harm
our souls were scarred
our minds were battered
with extension cords
switches
leather belts
and shoes
One said a knife
the other was bitten
What in the world
was wrong with our parents
What in the world
is wrong with this world
and why is love
barely covered
by deep seeded hate?
why are children
forced to absorb
adult self loathing
and so much pain?

Once I Win

The more you attempt to resist
the harder i must try
the more you hold back
the stronger i must pull
the more you resist
the simpler my apprach becomes

I will win
although you have yet
to acknowledge
impending defeat

The more you think you can fight it
the more certain I am
that I can
make you mine

I have mastered this
taking the heart
of the most hardcore
the ones that think they can
melt within loves core
and withdraw intact
its not so simple

I will win your heart
you will call my name
your eyes will see only me
The problem is
once I win
I will no longer
want you

It's Been So Long

I haven't seen you
in so long
feeling so dry
parched
without inspiration
without love

I haven't seen you
in so long
trying desperately to recall
the skip of the heart
the heating of my core
the thrill that invades my person
at your mere smile
I can't bring it back
can't fake it
can't recreate it
I miss you

I haven't seen you
in so long
will it be the same
can you still
make my fountain
runneth over
can you still make
my imagintaion
overflow
can you still bring color
to my dry dull world
are you still the same
are you still mine

Its been so long...

Manipulator of love

how are you doin
now that
we are in
the past

i see you have
easily moved on
while I gained
20 pounds
my hairlooks thin
and I cry myself to sleep
at night

You stand here
with your new princess
barely acknowledging me
aware that you have the upperhand

I am embarassed
because my world has shattered
while yours kept on spinning
my wekaness is displayed
while your coat of armor
has a new shine
I am simply a fool
and you
are a manipulator of love

i chose you

i chose you
becuase you had a center of gravity
a stillness
a quiet

I needed to
reachout my finger
my hand
and clamp onto the
lid of your
calm

The whirlwind of my life
left my head spinning
left me breathless in
pain
cunfusion
my spirit continued to swing to and fro
and each person I met
brought their
own confusion
panic
chaos
into my small circumference
until I was
choking
suffocating
hyperventilating
screaming silently in despair

and then i met you
that is the answer
although you
may not understand
we didn't just fall in love
i chose you
i chose you...

He was Upset

He was upset
when he said it
when he mumbled hate
and turned a deep red
anger
had control
life in wrecked shambles
logic in fragmented peices
the only one left to cut
was me
with words
adjectives
sharpened daggers
breathtaking blows

should I excuse it
just because
he was angry?
he was upset...

Life

Life is changing
curving and flowing
growing nad blossoming
fading and thinning
she has her own seasons
like the air and the breath
of the world around us

Life
is her own entity
she scares me
I can't control her
can't manipulate what she will do
can't seem to guess her next strategy
her next target for success
her next devastating blow

She is changing
and I can feel it
like a soft breeze against
my cheek
a subtle shift
like the shifting of storm clouds
moving past so slowly

I pray that I have
found her in a good mood
operating under good will
that the change she sends my way
will abound in good things
will grant us growth
and not drought
prosperity
and not suffering
love
and not death

I pray that Life
will be kind
to me and mine
because we have already
seen her at her worse

Must be Still

Still
Be still
my spirit is vexed
nervous and frustrated
promises made
that I have yet to keep
good intentions roping me
past financial constraints and
marital obligations

I must be still
Still
I must be still

Worried about my seed and
the vast plain that is his future
the sun rising, gently
but harsh elements
motivated by envy and hate
swirl against him
seek to undermine him, sabotage him
destroy him on a
national playing field
to vindicate their own
insecurities
and I am scared for him

Still
I must be still
Still

My spirit requests it
counsells it
demands it
I must be still
and allow Him
to clear my path
and lead my way.

Anything More Beautiful

Is there anything
more beautiful
than a brotha with a purpose
a man with a mission
a person with a clue
about his essence
his essential nature
the need for his existence
the importance of his being

Is there anything more mesmerizing
than the fire
in that black man's eyes
when the dream that has played
continuously
in his mind during every still moment
comes to fruition

Don't you get chills
in the presence of that
wonderful king
when he has set his eyes on the mission
and cannot be deterred by
societal none sense and
momentary fads
because he can do it
and he knows it
and you know it
and that alone
will change the karma
constructing the future's infrastructure
changing lives of those
still to come


Is there anything more beautiful

Touch the World

Touch the world
watch it shine
see some love
feel a shimmer
a tremor
a pulse
a rhythm

the massive heartbeat
the collective
a congruent energy
wrapped around this
sphere
inhaling together
holding their breath during
the few seconds
you touch the world
amazed
enraptured
held captive

and in that second
life's pain fades
stress a distant memory
worries on hold for another moment
hope that, for just a brief moment
exhilaration can
ride the clouds
and reign in the sunshine

transcending logic
just because you
touched the world

Just Us

Picture Us
in a private place
a small space
with no distraction and,
more importantly
no witnesses

Just Us

We would be quiet
silence, at first
a possible uncomfortable hesitation
But, your eyes have already proven
that you are not afraid
possibly the only one bold enough
to conquer my unstated challenge
delighting me, cuz
I get another glimpse
at the fire burning in your soul

Close your eyes
Picture Us, tell me what you see
How does it play out?
What is it that we actually do?
Now, look at me
lead me to our
Private place

Just Us

Indestructible Splendor

Just be you
do you
allow you to
believe in you

then I can
feel you
touch you
learn you
adore you

Your comfort with you
translates into
sexiness
manness
confidence
that inexplicable "it."

Be you
and I can watch you
enjoy you
revel in the
indestructable splendor of you

then I can
feel you

Always Remember

He grabbed my hand
as I walked down the hall
I wanted to grin,
but instead yanked away

Undeterred
His hands resting lightly
on my hips
pulling me back
quickly
until I was flush
against his hard surface
safe within his
lean frame

I sighed
pretending I wanted him
to let go
but secretly thrilled
that he was willing to fight
to struggle
to remain persistent
to make sure he kept me

Interesting
how he knew the secret
the magic remedy
to dispel my fight
just a press of his lips
in the right spot
the gentle warm breeze
of his simple words
brushing against my ear
ended the confusion
and to this day
I don't remember
why I was mad
in the first place

But I remember his hands
I remember his fingertips
I remember that sly smile
I remember those gentle lips

He recently asked me
if I ever thought about him
anymore
and I denied it
but, despite the lie
my smile confirmed
what he really wanted to know

of course
I will always
remember

Maybe

Maybe I should stay away
remain demure and hidden
secret and questioning
treading lightly and
moving forward carefully
make sure not to step on
any toes

maybe I should be more bold
become aggressive
leave caution in the past
make my curiousity the baseline
of forward movement
and jump in
without hesitation

he is confusing me

The signals are crossed
the codes are faded
the sign is blurred
the unspoken barely suggested

does he want me to
come forward?
would he prefer we
maintain the question?

either way I turn
the resulting pain is imminent
the thrill can only be
momentary
maybe the easiest solution
is to just
walk away
maybe...

You Love Me?

You love me?

how could you
have any idea what that means
how complex a proposition
that actually is
how painful a process
that could be

how do you love me?
You don't know me
not really
you know the me that
I allow you to see
the me that I one day
aspire to be

Can you really love me?
and accept my flaws, all the
obvious imperfections
can you fix your lips to
blow wind
beneath my wings
and watch with pride
while I
attempt to fly
haven't you noticed
that my spirit is free
my soul is wide open
and I simply cannot be contained
restrained
suffocated

do you still think
you can love me?

Proud

I'm proud of you
for seeing past current circumstance
fighting through
past disappointment
releasing all obvious
past pain

You are a rare gem
a diamond amongst
shards of gold
In my eyes
you sparkle
your sheer will
glows
because I watched you
hold onto a belief
in yourself and in your future
when it seemed that
all hope was lost
and I recognize that drive
and hope you one day realize
all the wonderful achievements
and the bountiful future
you so richly deserve

Needed Self Control

Stop
staring at his mouth
when he talks
reign it in
get some control
have some
self respect

Raise your eyes
try to
listen to the words
focus on the
spot between his eyes

Don't look in those eyes
because then you might smile
might let them linger
let your pressure rise
let your heartbeat increase
feel that slight burn
in the pit of your stomach
at the possibility
of what
the two of you can be
if you both let go
just once

No
You have to focus
come on, what did he just say?
now you have no answer
and he is waiting
smiling
politely wondering
what you were standing here thinking
while your head
was nodding and you
tugged at your skirt
your eyes hovering around
those thick lips

come on, girl
get some self control...

Quiet Love

I love your quiet
I do
Knowing that only I
can make you talk
sigh
reveal your dreams
admit your wants

So tell me, do you want me?
Still?
Are you happy
with where we are?
what we are?
who we are?

I know the answer
when you finally speak
when you finally talk
because you don't waste your words
don't violate your quiet
your comfort
your stability
rests in your quiet
and my comfort
my stability
my wonder at your
masculine perfection
rests in your quiet

I love your quiet

Childish Politics

Its hard
to not react
to not strike out and harm
the one that is
hurtuing mine
to bite my tongue
and count it all joy
believe it will all
work out
in my child's best interest
for my child's peace of mind

It is hard
not to run on the field
cursing and acting a fool
or going to the office
and revealing all the secrets
all the discrepancies
all of the
bullshit
that I know
to make your faults
public
and your inadequacies
common knowledge

But then
I would be no better
than every irate one
and my son
would be left to the
irrational devices of
retaliation

So I sit quietly
pray
and cheer
but
it is hard...

Sickle Cell

I have lost three woman
to sickle cell
so far
I can't claim ownership
because the woman were
no more than my friends
my inspiration
my demonstration of courage
of love
of living life
and savoring each moment

I was not the family
that had to bury them
the child that would never know her mother
the fiancee
that could never make one her wife
the husband
that would never plant his seed
I was spared
from the excruciating pain
of watching the light of life
flicker and fade
witness the inevitable distruction
of an impossible fate

But I still lost
three remarkable woman
to sickle cell
watching them bounce in and out
of hospitals
bandaged joints and
paining limbs
But while they were here
each one of them was
magnifiscent
glowing beauty
unstoppable brilliance and
impenetrable strength

each one of them
defeated it
in their own way

Believing

Believing
that all things happen for a reason
all things, but
most certainly the bad
the pain
the trauma and the struggle

Believing
in His Word
and His promise
and the past record of proof
which is my life
and my pain
and my bridge over
troubled waters
my protective armor through
pestilence and pain

Believing
that it will be
all good
all right
all safe
all true
this world, a mere training ground
to stretch and develop my soul
teach and mature me
into who He would have me to be

giving thanks
for unshakable faith
a learned response
a stronger belief

I'm believing....

Mirror

You eyes
are the mirror
to my soul
the reflection
of my life
the receipt
of love deposited

Your eyes
lock on mine
I have no more words
and my mind goes blank
wondering
wondering
wondering

how can your eyes
be the mirror
to my soul?

Scandalous

She doesn’t like me
And I know it
Enjoy it
Revel in it
Gain from it

Her eye roll and
Tongue smack
Tell me more
Than you can ever say
I am more of a threat
Than I ever imagined
Your heart belongs more to me
Than I ever knew

Because she knows it
Feels it
Sees it every time
You glance at me
Every time I smile at you
Every time our gentle interactions
Are a bit too close
Last a bit too long
Hint of a deeper intimacy
Suggest a thicker meaning

I have to give it to her
She’s wiser than I thought
She should be wary
Worried
Annoyed and
On the watch
Because I do want you
And I will claim you
When I am ready
When you are sure
When I know that
The time is right

She doesn’t like me
And I am glad to know it
She has told me more
Than you could ever say
And I will soon step forward
To claim my prize

Happy Birthday

Wishing me a
happy birthday
today
September 11
a day that has often passed
uncelebrated
unnoticed
a card left on the table
a kind motherly word

a father who never knew the date
a mother who couldn't afford to celebrate it
monies had to be spent to
entertain the selfish uncle
on his annual visits to our
meager homeland
two weeks before my birthday
every single year

happy birthday to me

a day that makes me sad
causes that sick lonely feeling of
a child trying to swallow her own need
her own emotions
to appease the nagging conscience of
the adults around her or
excuse the blatant neglect
of a father to his only daughter

happy birthday to me

thankful to be alive
but desperately struggling to maintain
mental calm through this
24 hour period
in which memories drown me
like a thick suffocating gel and
sadness fills my vessel
remembering the little girl
who truly believed
that her birthday didn't really matter
to anyone but her

happy birthday to me

Handsome Face

Handsome face
you have such a handsome face
kindness and trueness
rest in the manly lines
high cheekbones
clear expressive eyes
perfect lips

perfect lips

handsome face
you have such a handsome face
I enjoy each and every smile
that comes when those
beautful eyes are
focused on me
savoring the smile as
a unique and rare a gift
a hesitant and precious expression
an inquisitive and perfect
discovery
into what you might possibly be thinking
or what emotion I might invoke
a mirror of exactly
how I feel.
Is that possible?

handsome face
you have such a handsome face
and I struggle not to
run my finger along your cheek or
plant my lips softly
on your forehead
trace the path of your lips with my tongue
gently line your narrow cheeks with
light kisses
staring at your
handsome face

you have such a handsome face

What You Get

Despite the arguing
followed by never ending silence
the intense pain
followed by grueling neglect

Despite the illogical conclusions
and presumed actions of guilt
ridiculous insinuations and
simple miscalculations

I adored you

You had me
completely
although you will never really
know what that means

Not now.
Not when the most intimate of me
is tucked away, hidden
searching for fulfillment
in future love
And you receive
what remains
what survived the tragedy
what continued to exist
after the departing
the devastation
the intense heartbreak

What you get now
is merely a shell
of what you had...

Telling the Truth

Telling the truth
would be admitting that you
enthrall me
satisfy me
overwhelm me
excite me

Telling the truth
would be releasing power
revealing weakness
placing trust in you
to not take advantage
not discover my weakness
and completely help yourself

Telling the truth
terrifies me
because sometimes the truth
is better left unsaid
the obvious, better left unspoken
the love, better left undiscovered

Telling the truth
in not an option
demonstrating my true feelings
can never happen
not if I want you to remain
interested in me

Dedicated

Dedicated to
the future of us
the future encounter
the unforeseen result
the anticipated explosion
the unique heartache
the impenetrable lust
overtaking us while we
look toward
some other date
some other definition
some other possibility

because the present
does not belong to us

Dedicated
to that future day
that awaited hour
that delicious minute
that finite moment
when the bonding shall ensue
when loving shall intertwine
and our every dream
shall come true

Yes

Yes
is all I can say
to you
to any request
uttered through
your perfect lips

Yes
again and
again and
again
your whispered suggestion
your clearly desired wish
yes, I will
yes, for you
if you want me to
yes

yes,
I will say your name
louder and louder
yes,
I will release and let go
is this
how you want it
how it should be
your knowing smile
causing my heart to bounce
my essence to ache
leaving me only one option
to simply say
yes

I Cannot (Tribute to Katrina)

I can't
I simply cannot
participate in your meaningless mourning
glancing at video memorials and
television remembrances
dishonest sympathy, abysmal pity
disdainful judgement
trumped up entertainment to
pacify your moral double standards

You left us to die
starve
dehydrate
fester
decay
drown
die

You labelled us refugees
reflected us as looting criminals
displayed the ignorance of some
as the blanket justification
for the dehumanization of thousands

While you 'spread justice'
throughout the world
over 48 hours
you couldn't provide
decent shelter
water
food
sustenance or
a faint hope

Letting our babies die
wither and melt away
life fading like a used light bulb
old people dying on the curb
dignity stripped, all hope lost
their last remembrance is that
this country didn't stray from its disgusting past
and in the end
what is a black or poor life worth
anyway?

I cannot watch your fake tears
your politically inspired words of hope
I cannot,
I cannot
I know the truth
you let us die....

Well Wishes

Amazing
your image crosses my mind
more than I
ever thought possible
wondering where you are
what you are doing
if life is offering you
sweet shade and cool protection
or forcing a raw sunburn
against your beautiful bronze skin

Wishing the best
for you and yours
yes, its possible
to love and live
move on and wish well
remember fondly and
selectively redact
those parts that we
just couldn't get right

I am wishing you the best
hoping that when our paths meet again
life and maturity
and lessons learned
will allow us the friendship
we skipped over
and never quite developed...

Deflated

Deflated
the wind so easily
sucked from my gills
the air so thick
I can't grasp it
simply gasping
for a mere chance
at life

Deflated
tired
all my efforts
seem futile
turning slowly in this
360 degree bypass
leading me back to
0

Deflated
wanting more out of life
than the stepping stones
I have crossed
wonder when my bridge to salvation
will link its way
to my path

Deflated
not for long
but for now
simply have had
enough

Ugliness Inside

The ugliness inside
can only hide for so long
can only be contained
for a limited period
can only remain covered
for a finite space

until it decays
rots
spreads and destroys
the outter covering
the fabricated protection
the loosely maintained
front

Your ugliness is exposed
spreading out through forked tongue
hurling against truths nature
a lying serpeant
slapping us
directly in the face

Your ugliness is exposed
your fake exterior is demolished
and those around who loved you
retract and withdraw
shy away and disappear
protecting themselves and their loved ones
from the pain and havoc
your evil nature
will surely reek

Not Enough?

If you felt my heart beat
would you know I was sincere
truthful
honest
free?
If you laid your hand
flat on my chest
and watched my eyes flutter
heard my breath quicken
lips part
whispered words
would you believe me
then?

What do you need to hear
to know that I am
only with you
only for you
only wanting you
only needing you,
What exactly should I say?

There is no proof that I can think of
no promise that would not seem
meaningless
no words that carry real weight
no tears that wash away past guilt

I promise you that I am here
with you
right now
why isn't that enough?

Are You Sure

Do you think you are prepared
for this
prepared for how your world changes
melts in your hands
and evaporates into
thin air

Are you ready
for the nonstop isolation
the intense paranoia
sure that everyone knows your business
has heard about your plight and
in some time, at some way
you will have to answer questions

Are you sure
it is worth the change to the kids
the financial uproar
the miscellaneous heat
Are you sure
that you are leaving me
for the right reasons
for the reasons that will make all this pain
go away.

Bittersweet

Bittersweet
a simple bite
a small taste
incredibly delectable
the senses peaked
mind instantly cleared
consumed by the tangy flavor
overwhelmed by the striking sensation
eyes closed
entranced
longing for another small sample
another whiff
you are Bittersweet

Alone and Isolation

Alone and in isolation
I find my focus
a meaning
a determination
a desire
a reason to
press forward
steel my nerves
commit to the grind

Alone and in isolation
I obtain clarity
relevancy
a final purpose
silence
an end to the confusion
a singular comfort
in the true spirit of me
when alone and
in isolation

Tshirt and Sweatpants

He wore
tshirt and sweat pants
she watched while he
stood mellow and cool
the precision cut physique of beauty
covered
hidden
by
tshirt and sweat pants

Yet, she became warm
staring at the loose waist of those pants
knowing easy access required little effort
and realizing that the chiseled hip bone
was a simply an arms length away
the tight flat ridge of abdominal muscles
a mere brush of her hand a few inches higher
the tshirt laying perfectly about
broad shoulders
between which she fit
just right

Licking her lips she
pulled her eye away
lowered her head and
attempted to focus on all things that
would release the pressure steadily rising
causing a natural throbbing
at her womanly temple
simply by observing him
chillin
in tshirt and sweatpants

Sensual Woman

You sparked the sensual woman
in me
with every locked eye
every side glance
every licked lip
every hinted whisperer
every light stroke

A magnet
drawing me in
your insatiable desire
I bet I can match
lure you with
this driven lust
an inquisitive appetite
thirsting to taste the delectable delicious
forbidden parts of you

You awoke the sensual woman in me
released her from her matronly cage
setting her free to indulge in
erotica's perfect unity

I Waited

I waited for you
you had to know
waited for you to make that move
turn those late night whispers into
early morning confidences
I was alone and
your voice comforted me
I had been decimated and you
strengthened me
and encouraged me
I had been stripped
you soaked me in kindness
immersed me in your world

And I was ready to move forward
discard past life and flattened memories
and create new ones
with you

So I waited
but your move came after hope dissipated
I capitulated
and the disappointment in your eyes
will always tear at my soul

Yeahhh

Trust me
I just want you to trust me
touch me
place your hand in mine and
relax
breathe
breathe
want to feel your chest
rise
linger near, press against
mounted pressure
pushing against the throne
while I stare in your eyes
yeahhhh
I see that smile
do you trust me?

The Liar

You are a liar
speaking through forked tongue
convincing counterparts of
dreamt weakness and
superficial ailments

You are a liar
wishing ill will on me
in an attempt to absorb
that which is mine
that which you don't support
that which you don't love

How many lies will you tell
how much political support will you gain
how many times will I have to dispute
the idea and image of me
because your forked tongue
slithered around the truth

Easy Scapegoat

Heartbroken
again
the familial bonds tearing at my soul
ripping me to shreds
causing more destruction than
any lover
ever has
ever could

Desperate
again
longing for demonstrated love
calm and steady acceptance
resolution of all this pain
unconditional and
nonjudgmental

Distraught
again
finding myself apologizing for
manipulated pity imposed on me
childish guilt riddling my center
tingling my soul
again
again

Disappointed
again
another wish for family ties
gone up in smoke
another explanation
painting me bad
the easy scapegoat

Consumed

You got my mind locked
tripping and
confused
sweatin and grippin
Leading me to desperate decisions and
inaccurate conclusions
obsessed with what you do and
where you go
wanting, no needing
to be the only one
to receive your powerful love
You got my mind
twisted and jacked
consumed
want you to be all mine

The Best Man...

Haven't said
"i love you"
in so long
haven't remembered to hug you
kiss your neck
rub your torso
let you know
that my heart, mind and soul
are under your authority
my gift is
under your calling
my essence
is under your definition

Haven't told you that
I know your sacrifice
realize your loss
your patience
your complete devotion
to the growth and development
the future and the unseen
the building of lives
the spreading of seeds

Haven't I told you
that I think you are
wonderful
incredible
mind boggling
sincere
clean
Clean
the rarest description
of a black man
but my
highest term of flattery
I would eat from your lips
kiss the bottom of your feet
revel in the pureness of your kind nature
enjoy the uniqueness of
your cleverness
the first one to
really make me smile

you are the best man
I've ever known

Temporary Turmoil

Lost my way
again
looking for recognition and
succumbing to comparative success
I threw myself in the midst
of this battle
hurled myself into the
center of this fight
but I no longer want to
be a contender
no
I forgot that this search
this life journey was certainly for
peace
calm
they have been the innermost desire
the single most craving
and I am grasping to them
with my full might
riding this wave
cozily through eternal storm

I can see it
I lost my way
but then temporary turmoil
set me straight

Comfort Zone

He opened the door
and I knew he'd been expecting me
but he didn't smile
or make a face
that made me feel bad or guilty
he just seemed
patient
so patient
after all the brush offs and dismissals
broken promises and snide little remarks
Here he stood, in the middle of the night
His Pj bottoms the perfect background
to his beautiful chest
"Are you alright" he said
rubbing a hand through soft hair
his eyes focused on me
I shook my head no
bit my lip to absorb future tears
felt his arms enclose around me
sealing me inside my new precious comfort zone

Armor Bearer

Maybe I should guard me better
protect me more
place a barrier and a shield
blocking me eyes and dimming
the world from my sight

You are full of simmering judgment
bubbling resentment
I can taste it in the air
feel it against my neck
and it is bothering me
scaring me
because your despair
may have no limits
no recourse
but to hurt
and take your loved ones
with you

So I have to step back
get me an armor bearer
mount my shield
you will not be
the destruction of me

Just Us

Do you think
we can have that life
of manicured yards and
luxury cars
sprawling suburban mansions
and perfectly laid stone
Can we have it

What is the price
Do I want it more than you
Do you want it more than we
Are you willing to sacrifice family, love and duty
to accumulate the proper bling bling

Or is this life
limited by responsibility and
attaining average mediocrity
all we can achieve
without losing us, ours, we
because
I don't want to pay the cost
for wealths cover

Summertime

Summertime
we spent entire days
in the street
not the corner the actual street
doggin in kickball
doubledutching to the
rythm of
little brown girls tapping feet
singing rhymes
and twirling rope
"but you double handed"
shouted whenever I twirled
I was only good for
jumping
but couldn't nobody
beat me at that
while lil boy friends
who we wanted to be
boyfriends
fed Now and Laters to
ants, watching them pour out of
concrete in droves
Uncle Man
turn on the hydrant
some teen sitting on top
redirecting the strong stream
spraying us all
filling water ballons and
lightin each other up
exhausted
throughin jacks on sidewalk
mastering hopscotch
crossing rope and ankles
undefeated at fivesies
on that chinese jump rope
let me hoola hoop
while Joey is
lookin my way

playing
hide and go seek
truth or dare
touch and go get it
lil fast girls
having fun
life feeling limitless
throwing back heads and
laughing out loud
free
free

while pop rocks
sizzled inside of cheeks
and penny candy stuck to teeth
street lights
slowing popping on
as sunlight
fades to the horizon
gotto get home
grabbing my good wire ropes
jumping on that shiny boy ten speed
making my way home to
wash, eat rest
wanting nothing more
than to
return again tomorrow

My Comfort

vibrant hum
poetic thought
delightful scent
cozy warm
like a toasty blanket
on a chilly night
or the cool ice
against the
sweating thigh
whip cream
swirled gently in my sundae
so sweet
the bitter lemon
stinging my delicate tea
so sour
contrasting perfection

you are comfort

You Knew

I lost my cool
for just a second
on just one day

I still don't know how
can't quite comprehend
what happened
but as I turned
your eye caught mine
and a deep tug
yanked across my insides
shocking my senses and
alerting each and every one
to the male effervescence
that you display

Leaving me caught
goofy and grinning
my mind making love
to your every aspect
my body caught between reality
and imagination
my common sense embarrassed while
my woman soul
took control

I lost my cool
and by the smile on your face
I guess you knew

Wanting More

Are you prepared
for just one night
You say yes
but I don't believe you
don't think your ready
surely, you don't understand

I really don't want any more
nothing deeper
I am a different breed of woman
attachment beyond tonight is
unnecessary
your loving
can never define me

So can you do it?
can you switch positions and
spread your romance on someone
who can absorb it
marinate in it
and walk away while it
clings to her skin
without so much as a blink

Or will you become upset
feeling that your manhood was used
emasculated, deflated
because I play the game just like you
and this time
you will be the one
wanting more?

If I Didn't Know...

If I didn't know better
I would think you
loved me
would mistake your
whispered words for truth
adoration
promises
of a life bound between
your everlasting arms
permanence nestled
between the luxurious
curve of your thigh
forever linger
just at the touched of your palm

If I didn't know

If I didn't know better
I would think that
smile was reserved for me
that magnetic pull of your
wondrous eye was
magnified by your
desire of me
want for only me
dreams of having me

If I didn't know better
but I do
so I enjoy it all
allow myself to wallow in
your perfection, your physique
your magnifiscent being
for just tonight
prepared to seal up my soul
in the morning

Life Long Fight

Keeping you safe has been a
life long fight
but how could you know?
you were too young
to remember the battles I waged
the wars I won
the rampages I went on
to insure your safety
your security
steady your reality
create for you a family

God touched my heart
when my eyes caught sight of you
adorable, but kinda unruly
pleasant way of saying
sweet, yet michievous
but He showed me a future
a world that could be yours
if I followed his will
sacrificed my definite plans
made room for your growth and development

But please know
that the raising of you
has been unparalleled
by any other joy
the light of you
is a rare miraculous flame
and the beauty of your soul
has touched my heart
lingering in my essence
eternal

Without Thought

My best is never enough
what I give to you
is pulled and twisted
distorted and turned
manipulated into something
unrecognizable
easily dismissable
lightly regarded


But when I gave it
it was my all
my everything
it meant something
some small irreplaceable peice of me
went into it
a gift from my heart
delivered straight to you

Why is my all
never enough
and your greed so thick
your willingness to take so complete
that you can destroy my humble gift
without thought
without flinching?

A poem

An energy
tingling in my chest and
crawling up my spine
shifting, I get uncomfortable
cause this energy is forming into
a thought
without shape
without words
and it is resting
so heavy
against my chest
I am clawing, reaching, scratching
for relief
for an answer
but it does not disintegrate
then I reach
for my pen
began to scratch against that
flattened tree
pressing hard onto the lead
as if each deep scratch
tears away at this invisible invader
and all of the pressure,
mounted against it will release it

it eases back
slowly ebbs away
like a solemn pond of wonder
a swirl of memory
a sprinkling of thought
my pen saves me
as it absorbs that thing
that unspoken emotion
and defines it
reveals it
gives it an identity
blossoms it into a poem

Two Years Later

Two years later
the man was hers
or, at least his baby
certainly was
he hadn't crossed my mind
I am sure I never entered his

but she insisted
made it conditional on
his access to the baby
if he wanted to spend time with his family
they had to come to me
to put the child in my face
to insure that I viewed her
the victor
that I witnessed
her dominion

stunned at the ridiculousness
I agreed to his whispered request
welcomed them with open arms
hugged them both
but while her back was turned
I shot him questioning looks

he shrugged sheepishly, helplessly
we were both muppets in her production
thought out over two years
two years
then I felt sorry for her
sorry that this was all life amounted to
I was in college
highschool things seemed so distant
hadn't realized our love thing
had caused her this much pain
this much embarassment
so much poison needed to be released
and she craved verification

So I sat there
grinned and beared it
and reminscied over my past actions
my light dismissal, my failed acknowledgement
of other girls feelings
when it involved a male
I wanted

I owed her
I had to make penance
so I gave her the moment
she had thought on
anticipated
needed
and I gracefully affirmed her victory
while I internally absorbed anguish
at having caused her so much pain...

Life

Lifes got my hands tied and
my options limited
trying to run this rat race
but keep trippin
and feeling trampled
trying to resist
detract
reflect
all this painful confusion and
remain focused on the
meaningful things
health
love
life
freedom
sound mind
natural delights
but life has got my hands tied
my mouth muffled
my feet bound and shackled
each movement an awkward jerk
each attempt to fly
a failed spiral collision
life
I am bound up
in this game
life

Ending it

Its a game to you
I see
I understand, now
while she and I
scream and act fool
you rest in the center
amused at the chaos
enlivened by the negativity

I have been a fool
A mere fool
relinquishing my dignity
to romp and roll in
bullshit's bed and
cry and scream at
loser's loss

Yes, loser
you are and I was
but I will be no more
cause I am watching you and
seeing the game
I.D.ing the pattern
recognizing this foolishness and
how much enjoyment
you gain

and this is where I choose
to step off.

My Blessing

I find you
perfect
delectable
delightful
miraculous
I stare in your face and wonder
what I did for Him to bless me so
what part of my spirit
did he find clean enough
whole enough
worthy enough
to grace your presence

I find you
wonderful
beautiful
wondrously unique
lovely
loving
pure
magnificent
your smile the
blinding light of pure joy
spun into gold
you are a blessing

The Lonelies

Do the lonelies ever
come against you
threaten to
undermine the peace you have
fought for
the quiet you have finally achieved
Do the lonelies linger
in the back of your mind
making you question
your goals
your desires
your aim and your focus

Do the lonelies ever
whisper doubts
attempt to consume your calm
convince you that
you cannot accomplish
success or completion
your efforts are in vain
because your very nature
is marked by failure

Am I the only one
fighting the lonelies?

Wrapped Within

So, I don't deserve love?
because my frame is no longer small
stomach no longer flat and
weight has been allowed to collect
that is reason enough
to deny me access
remove my pass
prohibit me from the list of
worthy candidates?

You mean, I really shouldn't be loved?
because my skin isn't light
couldn't pass that paper bag test
in the middle of winter
the brown of me is
offensive to you
my nubian chocolate brother?
the mirror reflection of your own complexion
is not beautiful, not worthy
not also deserving of love?

So, I really won't be loved?
because of the exterior
my failure to stun your senses
with magnificent beauty
makes my normalcy
offensive and somehow
ugly
and in my ugliness,
I am now doomed to loneliness
because your idea of my exterior
so much more important
than the beauty, the love
the hope and the faith
wrapped within me, huh?

So, I shouldn't be loved?

Common Tribute

Went to Chi-town
saw the spots that made you
carved and created you
recognized where that
mellow flow and
confident strum developed
that charismatic charm and
visible third eye flow
finally understood
the rhythm of you

Visited Chi-town
and figured out why
you possess deepness
a centered root upon which
your lyrical majesty sprouts
Sort of a midwest
CL Smooth
words creating memories of
family gatherings and backyard BBQ's
stolen kisses and forbidden hugs
street parties and corner store candies
plastic lined sofas and frozen summer julips
merging my memories into your melodies
teaching me how its done
Chi-town style

Visited Chi-town and
had to admit that we weren't
the only ones
finally verified
Chi-town revels in real hip hop
and you definitely
used to love her...

Mind Loving

Took a moment
and wondered why
you fill my mind
at all moments, of all time
imagination taking us to
unexplored territory
deeply desired frontiers
my soul aching to
touch you and
explore who you are and
what it do

Got to figure out why
why its you that is
branded into the ethereal circumference
of my mental
why it is your
unique vibrant mass
that consumes all fanciful thought

Believed that I could
feel you
although you
weren't in the room

For a moment, thought I could
taste you although
your person is
on the other side of the sphere

Briefly allowed me to
marinate in you
until I realized that
you were not here and
I was simply alone

My mind is stretched past reason
longing has manipulated all decency
I can't figure out why
I can't release mind loving you

Hide With Me

Let's hide
today
send them on the normal schedule
dress like we are going to work
briefcase in hand
suits on back
we can detour
make a different stop
and hide
hide away
me and you

Let's hide today
have a rendezvous
you know, like we used to do
disappearing for entire weekends
a small hotel
a large room
just you and me
the television never gets turned on
the phone remains off the hook
we consume each others
complete attention

Please,
come hide with me
today.
Please....

Self Defeat

sometime during puberty
doubt planted its firm root
dug deep into the soil of my heart
constricted my freedom to express

there was no fear
before that
I would perform concerto's
at the baby grand
the only lil inner city black girl
outperforming the sea of privileged
I would step on stage
tapping away or
stretching and contorting to
the rythm of jazz
Won literary contests and
performed poetic pieces
I ran around the track
strong and sure, confident
without doubt I was meant to win

but then something, some little thing
whispered in my ear that
I was ugly, fat
unworthy, untalented
repeatedly, magnifying my flaws and
blocking site of talent

and I believed
shut down and relinquished my gifts
to that hum
the liar's greatest weapon
ruin by self defeat

My Friend

My friend I
never paid much attention
as you waited for me
at my back door
and walked me to and from
school

You were simply my friend

No matter how cold the morning
I knew
you'd be standing there
waiting
smiling
No matter how long the walk
I knew you'd get me home
quiet and true

You were my friend

I took you for granted
years later
the face and body had
greatly changed
so handsome
a heat overwhelming me
upon sight
until your smile struck
a familiar chord with my spirit
and your eyes revealed the
soul mate I had lost
and I rejoiced because
I had finally found you
my spirit so desperately missed you

and you were still
my friend

He Loved Me

I knew he loved me
months before he said it
weeks before he realized
nights before we
ever engaged
moments before we
bodily exhaled

I knew he loved me
I could tell by the
soft glint in his eyes
whenever he looked my way
the way his eyes followed:
my lips as they spoke
my smile as I laughed
my hips as I danced
my body as we'd grind

Ironically, his love
wasn't a requirement or expectation
to fulfill my longing
to be offered my all
I simply wanted to feel him
on that next level
understand him from a
different way
experience him, so that
I would never forget

But, it was love
that made him turn me down
required me to hold on
to wait
until I was truly ready
and in love,
he guided me steadily to
womanhood
lovingly to tenderness
and taught me about me
in ways I could never have learned
alone

Before he ever uttered it
I knew
I knew
I knew
he loved me

Your Poetic Spirit

You have a poetic spirit

There is a deeper level to you
a wild river crashing and foaming
against the rocks
hard boulders
protecting your soul from
the spoken words, sharp daggers
slicing you as they tumble from
malicious tongue
and you continue to stand
absorbing each stab
without faltering

but that foaming river flows
following a stone path, down to
a lake of pure gold
that lies within your private core
still and quiet
peaceful
resilient and magnificsent


You let me see it
I glimpsed the wide bank of
clear sand, nestled against
the golden waves, spraying me gently
lapping over the firm rim of your soul
you looked into my eyes
and I stood in awe
gazing your poetic spirit

Messed Up

Falling apart
releasing and relenting
breathless
airless
senses garbled
mind foggy

you were never supposed to phase me

not like this
i dictate the rules of this game
the limits and the boundaries
the whispers and the light touches
harmless flirting and intimate inhales
rubbing you softly, gently
giggling fake apologies
while continuing to cop a feel

you twisted it

now I am confused
wondering how to erect a fence
back you up
limit your access

but my mind
strips you down
imagines
my arms and legs
intertwined with yours
my heart
feeling the pounding
of your heart
against my chest
my entire person tingling
as it envelopes
your perfect frame
press fits gently against
your narrow waist...

you messed me up

Copyright 2007 Chloe R
www.chloewrites.com

Ready...

Do you want to build
a world with me
a future
a plan?

Are you able to let go
create a life with me
with discoveries
adventures
thrills?

Will you have my back
wanting to protect me
from harm
pain
sadness?

Can you accept my love
without question
believe in it
in us
as one?

Are you ready...

A Second of Glee

Didn't want to find glee
in your confusion or your disappointment
but I must admit
a little giggle formed
at the center of my core
transforming into a slight smile
a wide grin
a blatant laugh

Because I was angry at you
for hurting my child, bruising his pride
for banking on the new and untried
instead of demonstrating faith
in the steady and true

Now they are leaving
Because that was always their M.O.
and you were simply used
a mere platform to showcase
for another institution to benefit
so, for a second, it felt good
to see your throne in disrepair
your future plans in shambles
your misplaced trust, discarded
but only for a second
only for a second