Defeated, Finally

Simply defeated
finally
the fight is gone
emptiness remains

the joke
has been on me
real love eludes me
or runs from me
either way
it has proven itself scarce
and my belief in it
useless

It took
three people-
the abandoner
the hater, and
the neglecter
but they have finally won
and I
finally
surrender

Less Faith

It was more than an urge
that compelled
my small frame forward

the pastor beckoned
in his robes, pomp and circumstance
calling the lost to
come to the Lamb
but my ears heard a different Voice
the comforting Voice
that protected me when
my mother went on a rampage
or my father stared into the fire
for months
at a time

the Voice that
assured me it was alright
promised I would make it through
whispered that the nightmares
would end
eventually
if I just
held on

Didn't everyone have one?
there own small Voice
the constant unseen Comforter

so when It said
to step forward,
proclaim my love, and
declare my God
I moved without hesitation
ambling pleasantly down the aisle
obediently doing what I knew
would please
my Lord

I wish
I still had that simplicity
still knew when and how to listen
desperately want to hear Him on
such a regular basis

Wish that I
didn't have to strain, to plead
to beg for His guidance

I wonder at the courage
of the six year old me
who had the faith of giants
with a life so short
knowledge so lacking
experiences so few
yet, my spiritual core was
so much more developed
refined
exquisitely in tune

than it is now

God, please grant me the Faith
of the six year old me

The Mirror

The mirror
told of your pain
spoke of my confusion
whispered volumes of confessions
thundered words of truth
reflected us beautiful
proved us scarred
showed us raw
exposed us vulnerable

Understand

When you avoid me
I understand
sympathize
wish that I too could be free
that this longing didn't invade
overwhelm
complicate what should be
so easy

When I avoid you
you watch me, follow me
mark my desperate efforts
to leave you be
to allow you choice
space to navigate
to avoid me
and the tangled web of
my life

When you avoid me
I understand,
but still
find me sad

Cook For U

This energy
seems to be spreading
invading
overpowering and controlling

seeping
from you

to me

and I
I
I think I wanna
cook for you
create for you
demonstrate the inner god
that you so gingerly inspire
so delicately
enliven

I need to demonstrate
how our union
creates fantastical reality
making barriers evaporate into
translucent visions that I
step through with ease

Reaching for you
focused on you

that deepseeded urge to try
becomes a pounding demand to
tackle and complete
to step foward
without fear
to wrap my hands around nothing
and manifest
everything

May I
cook for you
dance for you
lay back and perform my
ritual just for you
can I write to you
or
sing to you
play a simple melody
reflecting my vibe for you
or should I
center my energies
here, and
simply be
for you
for you
for you

I need to breathe
for you

He Was Magnifiscent

Trying to be clever
I desperately stumbled
all over myself,
stuttering out my
preplanned line
the one sure to seduce
tumbling off my lips
like awkward boulders and shame burning my neck as
the words bounced around in that
awkward silence
like bricks tossed against rubber

Embarrassment
shrouded around the
once clear air
making breath
impossible
sensuality a misnomer
and seduction a
never ending joke

That's what he did to me
ya'll
by a mere glance
a shy smile
a patient pregnant pause
he had me
stuttering foolish words
stammering silly innuendos
suffering heat flashes and
cold phases
body tingles
by simply swimming in
the pool of his eyes
wishing I could
maintain some composure
as I gazed upon
magnificence's reflection

I Wish

I wish
I knew how to touch you
what to say
what to reveal

I wish
I could bottle up my emotion
and pour it into your
cupped hands
let you feel it
spread gently across your fingertips
until your cup runnteh over

I wish
I had you
in another time and
another place
and I could show you
how we could be

I think about it often
oh, how I wish...

Felt You

I felt you
before I saw you
and the feeling was sooooo
real
that it shocked me
then shamed me
because
out of sight, out of mind
was the solution I had been praying for
hoping for
waiting for

Yet, I felt you
before I saw you
proving distance, space, time and absence
created absolutely no interruption at all
my heart
still drummed heavily
my breathing
still quickened rapidly
my body still tried to push forward
responding
while my mind desperately fought to
hold me back

confusion, once again
blinding my spirit and
binding my tongue
tailspinning my control
into a tornado
of fragmented lust

you see,
the fact remains
that I still felt you
before I saw you

The Future

Your purpose
was the beacon to my life
for so long
the mantle was placed on you
the crown befitting your head
the honor stitched carefully
into your spirit

It was you

the reason I was formed
the momentum of my life
the curvature of your father's growth
the experiences of his enriched youth

It was all for you
and the next ones
Our children
Our seed
Our future generation

We understand the principles
know that sins of the father
fall on the heads of the son
that wickedness in the present
manifests into
death in our future

So we have lived clean
have stepped carefully
have let go and released
desires
dreams
unrealized potentials
to bring you to this point

Our lives
were designed
for the maturation
of you

Generations back
generations forward
the belief of tomorrow
the promise of today

It was always
for you

Everything

He told me
that I would forget him
my life would mean something
and what we shared had to
fade away

He told me
that I was amazing and talented
special
because I saw the good in him
whispered love in his ear
muttered hope into his dreams

He told me
that our time together
would mean eveything to him
and
nothing to me
in the future
in the distant oasis of
unlimited possibilities and
unconquered dreams waiting
waiting
at least for me

But he was wrong
underestimating his own power
his affirming intimacies
became the glue to my essence
the sensual piece to my puzzle
despite words and space
years and time
and his sullen prediction
he is still
my everything