Everything?

We could be everything
you and I
we can have it
the dream
the idea
the belief
why can't we be it?

If you would just concentrate
on me, on us
instead of your dreams
instead of your hopes
then we can make it

If I simply dilute down
the best of me
the spark that makes me unique
to fit you
fit your idea
of wifely perfection

Then wouldn't we be perfect
with our shiny cars and
big house
lovely kids and
successful careers
wouldn't we be wonderful

If we both
figure out how
to drown out
the overwhelming stench
of disappointment
the unforgiving funk of
talent wasted
and silence the whispering cry
from deep within our souls
begging us to remember
our spiritual gifts
feed our starving souls
allow
our effervescence to bloom

Then, wouldn't we be perfect?

Despair

Lonely
the echo of my mind
reverberating
replaying regretful utterances
admissions
reflections
of loneliness

Bored
lingering so restless
without purpose
without focus
disseminating in all directions
convinced of
no internal purpose
boredom stirring the
depths of my being
rumbling my
spiritual anxiety

Losing will
drowning in
loneliness' despair

What Would You Say

What would you say
if I told you the truth
If I admitted that I avoid your eyes and
maintain my distance
because your being calls to me
loudly
uncontrollably

What would you say
If I admitted
my heart loudly pounds near you
my calm fades away around you
you inspire me to be
woman
insatiable woman
in every conceivable way

What would you say
if I told you the truth
that I enjoy staring at your profile
love to get lost in your smile
in the sea of depth
that flows in your eyes

That you already have me
you've won this battle
without even trying
the minutia of dignity I maintain
comes in pretending

pretending that laying eyes on you
doesn't ignite my imagination
doesn't create fantasy's overflow
doesn't begin a whirlwind of passion

I won't say it
if I did, there would be nothing left to say
don't you agree
Tell me
What would you say?

My Poison

Clinging desperately to the
obvious flaws
the blatant fouls
the ridiculous mistakes

Hanging on each blunder
as if they provide oxygen
as if their discovery gives enlightenment
nourishment
fulfillment

But I can't hold on
can't hang on
feeling like I am breathing
toxic air
invading the deepest chamber of me
poisoning my well
from which I must drink
killing my desire,
tearing at my spirit
slowing my drive

With each incident, you point
and repeat
but your words land on my ears
invade my mind
stick to me like
undiluted glue
attracting more negativity, more pessimissm
more doubt

Somehow you
are becoming
my poision

Thick

Your love
So deep and thick
covering me
like
sweet molasses
honey
I luxuriate in its
richness
close my eyes as
each dribble
slowly pours
against my lips
runs down
to my chin

and you stare
watching your love
slowly spread
across the bare surface
of me


tasting the sweetness
enjoying the pureness
wondering about the
thick concentrated oneness
of your love

So Empty

This space
my space
feels so empty tonight
so lonely and strange
because I don't have you
can't find you

Ive lost to the
expectations of this world
the boundaries of defined love
pushing us out
labeling us unfit and underserving
unrealistic

So I let go
and sit here
in this space
so empty, so heavy
unable to syphon off a little peace
to rest my mind or
close my eyes
in every pregnant pause
there is you
us
we
I need you
to be complete
but I can't find you
anymore
you have faded away
left
bowed your head and
thrown in the towel
and my space
feels so empty

The Traitor

They called me a traitor
to my face
said that I sided with their men
the only girlfriend who
knew all the dirt and didn't tell

They said I had a duty
to warn them, forewarn them
sabotage their boyfriends
extracurricular love affairs
protect their stake and claim
bond with the girlfriends
for the sake of womanhood

I thought they were crazy

They were gettting dogged, no doubt
but I wasn't their boyfriends god and
none of those men had to answer me

additionally, none of the "girlfriend crew"
attempted to befriend me until
they realized I was tighter with their men
than they were
I was more trusted by their men
than they were and
I was faithful to my man who
gave loving right back to me

I nodded, listened, gave them the respect of being heard
then I walked away
and let them judge me, hate me
label me foul
I didn't owe them
anything

Free

I wanted him to say sorry
to beg and plead
for his daughter's redemption
he owed me, I deserved it

I finally went to see him
after so many years
But the sight of him
surprisingly shook me
I missed my daddy
this huge defining piece of me

And he was who he was
true to him, if no one else
unapologetic, understanding on a different level
a deeper zone
either I accepted him, or I moved on
simple
life hadn't apologized to him
hadn't restored him a chance at a true childhood
at young adult life without three tours of duty in Vietnam
no one had held his hand and
made it all better
kissed away the booboos

So he had been all he could be
the only person he knew how to be
a black man, used by his country
discarded soon after
street logic and survival
the only real code
how much room
did that leave a baby girl?

I had to accept it
understand it
swallow it
and complete me
the knowledge freeing me
in a more substantial way
than any apology ever could

Call Me Home

He was my best friend
that's the truth of it
even in the silence, all those dark years
that's why the door never completely closed
why, despite my devastation,
I still couldn't be without him

With only him
I revealed my soul
shared my heart
gave my mind
relinquished my entire body
discovered me new
stretched me thin
fell so so so hard
acted out so badly

With only him

He was my best friend
sewn into the intimate pattern of me
stitched into my
delicate fiber
my defined rhythm
making it impossible
to completely rinse him out
to successfully bleach away the
indelible stain
our love, our life, our intertwined existence
had manifested

He was my best friend
which is why
he could always
call me home

Wild

He was wild
just how I liked them
untrained and street submerged
a new transfer to my high school
the girls flirted and whispered
I simply smiled, keeping my secret to myself

I knew him from before
From middle school
from secret notes he slid in my locker
from scraps of paper he placed in my hand
from his touch, which sent shockwaves through me
but also terrified me
from his kisses, as each became more intimate
and each touch became more forbidden

But I was a good girl
in theory, in practice
I held him off, so he backed away
then
but there he stood
two years later, in my highschool
a foot taller
20 pounds broader
his eyes gleaming wilder than ever before

Classmates hung everywhere
girls watched him and giggled
He leaned against the wall
I walked slowly past
our eyes locked, my smile slightly hidden
his latest note
tucked safely into
the palm of my hand

I've Lost You

I need to hear you say it
confirm it
prove it
do you still love me

I doubt it
I no longer inspire you
to stare at me for
hours at a time
rubbing my cheek
caressing my leg
wondering out loud
how we got here and
who knew loving felt this good

You haven't whispered my name
held me close
called in the middle of the day
just to hear my voice
just to feel the thrill
of wild untamed love
so deep - overwhelming
so raw - inexplicable
what we had

We function on a schedule now
life feels so mundane
responsiblities have sapped our creativity
shifted our focus
sucked us out of the island of joy
that was you and I

I've lost you
to life
I know it
I feel it
I long to hear you say it
do you still love me?

The Toy

He was surprised
apparently
that he wasn't the only one
that I had no intentions of being bound
tied up and
tangled in
love with him

He seemed flabbergasted
when I suggested
we take some time
add in a little space
explore other options
seek out other things

He acted shocked
when I said
he wasn't enough
I expected more
needed more
I wasn't happy

But the gaping void in my soul
felt wider
when I was
in his presence
proving he wasn't
my sought after emotional bandaid
and since self examination
was too painful
another man
another lover
another toy
had to be the answer...

Emotions

Do emotions make me weak
confuse me, frustrate me
do they lessen me
ruin the person I want to be
invading me with doubt and
fear
second guessing and quesitoning
lonely and of no importance

Some days
I am plagued by
emotions
wanting to run from them
bag them up with
the painful memories
and free myself from their grasp

Am I the only one
caught in this tangled web
silently suffering while
trying to stay healthy
happy
wishing I could simply focus
on the light
simply cling to the belief that I can
exist normally
find saftey
and live easily
uncomplicated
free
released from the strangling bond
of emotion

Valentine's Day - My Words

My words
can seduce
enrapture and contain you
delight you
I can
pen you a secret message
to gently stroke your heart
massage your mind
stimulate your soul

These words
will drop from my lips
landing like morning dew
in the crevice of your spirit
tracing a lighted path
across your thighs
along your abs
against your perfectly low hips

My pen
will draft for you a poem
a perfect melody
our sensual harmony
humming guiltily in your ear
strumming softly on your chest
kissing your fingertips
caressing your lobes
making my desire for you
clear
sparkling and special
reminding you that
you got me
uniquely, and only for you
I will spin these words
my words
of love

No Small Miracle

There is no such thing
as a small miracle
as a minor work or
a miniscule blessing
an oxymoron, at best
a euphamism, at worse

How can a miracle be small
a blessing, any less than wondrous
a work, any less than brilliant

the spare change that
feeds a family
the act of kindness
that purges the soul
the kind stranger
who lends an unrequested hand
when no other help
was possible

that small breath
when you nearly suffocated
is a miracle
is a blessing
is a spiritual work
so huge, so monumental
so overwhelming, so victorious
how magnifiscent
how magnanimous
there is no such thing
as a small blessing

Kiss Konfusion

His kiss
tasted like chocolate
with a hint
of mint
light tingle
quivering against the
sides of my
inner cheek

Separating
We both looked around
I tried to still my heart
silence the loud pounding
of blood surging through my veins

Emotions, denied
reaction, ignored
Anger: why does it feel so right

He grabbed
I sighed

At some point we would
have to deal with
the kiss that
never should have happened

My Muse

I've missed you
my muse
Missed staring at your face
experiencing that thrill you bring
allowing my mind to expand
and explore
as I inhale
your wondrous sscent

I've missed you
my muse
your magnifiscent will brought
reems of inspiration
your determination mounted
racks of creativity

I've missed you
my muse
in your absence I've discovered you
uncovered how much you really mean
to me
realizing how I need you
enjoy you
love you
in that creative, kindred sort of way

I've missed you
my muse
I've missed you

Failure's Freedom

Wouldn't failure feel good
freeing
how easy it would be
to stop caring, to not give a damn
to inhale failure's delicious scent
lose myself in its formless freedom

If I failed, wouldn't mean that I had won
wouldn't it shatter all the boundaries
because I would have ignored them
refused to be defined by them
released me from the ridiculous expectations
unconcerned with being
a magnifiscent loser

But failures freedom
although euphoric, would only last a moment
before my self love kicked in
before my pride punished me
before my drive pushed me
painting my allowed failures shameful
reigning my loss on
my generation's seed

But sometimes I wish
I could care less
revel in failures' freedom
and thumb my nose at the world
but that just ain't me
it just
ain't me

Doubt

Doubt is crowding me
creeping along the edges of my mind
stretching its tenacle across me
Doubt is expanding within me
making me question
what I thought was right
was real
was certain
Turning my definites
into my maybes
my musts
into my possibles

I despise doubt
yet, I am not
strong enough to fight it
want to fight it
I doubt me
what I am about
who I am
what I can accomplish
why I should even try

It is fear,
this doubt
these quiet mumblings of defeat
it is simply fear, but it is controlling
numbing, blinding
deafening
this doubt
sometimes it is simply too much
this doubt

Sensual Display

I tried to hug him and retreat
but, I got distracted
by his soft earlobe
resting gently by my lips
and he held on
longer than I anticipated
hugging me
closer than I expected

I didn't mind
I didn't care

So, my plans to retreat
were quickly devastated
as my lips slowly tasted
his earlobe
and my words
were whispered softly
only for him to hear
while his lips
brushed gently against my neck
his fingers
tightly gripped my body


Instead of separating
he nodded
to my simple request
shuddered at my
whispered word
smiled at what
I promised to do
joined me
for a sensual display

Looking Forward

Looking forward
wanting more
striving hard
pressing on

Trying to be
the ideal woman
want to be proud of me
want to be unashamed of me
need to know that my life
meant something
to somebody
need to know that my fight
was worth everything
in the end

I am looking forward
or upward
but never back
the future
will not
let me down

Need to Heal

I left you
for a little while
to find something new
to discover something better
to see if the world
would still open his hands
and allow me
to crawl in
if the ocean would
form a sea of protection
all around me

I left you
for a little while
because I needed something
of my own
a place undefiled and
uncontained
comfortable and cozy but
reflecting me
just for once

I left you
for a little while
becauseI needed to grow
to free my heart
and begin to heal