and then...

and then...
he smiled
and my heart responded
before my brain could deny
as my lips
slowly turned up
dimples slowly pressed in
my heart reclaimed its hum
my essence discovered
a more melodic flow
and then...
his arms
encapsulated me
and my soul
found home

So Small

I dreamt my life so big
yet, it has turned out
so small
Saw a bigger platform
saw me soaring high
instead I am chained to
my decisions
forever linked to
my forfeitures
bumping painfully against
my sacrifices

I clipped my own wings
I never took flight

I sowed
what was meant for me
into disbelieving others
freely gave
what was destined for me
to those who perpetrated love

so desperate was I
so needy for love

I fashioned their horizons
sculpted their climactic peak
and once they eclipsed their heights
they lain eyes on me
in disdain
now, I am nothing more than baggage
the last obstacle
before they can paint themselves
golden

I dreamt my life so large
and inadvertently trapped me
into something
so small

The Mirror (Repost)

The mirror
told of your pain
spoke of my confusion
whispered volumes of confessions
thundered words of truth
reflected us beautiful
proved us scarred
showed us raw
exposed us vulnerable

She Had You (Repost)

I know now
she just verified it
made sure to look
deep in my eyes
make her meaning clear

she had you
enjoyed you
helped herself to a
nice sized portion
of the man I thought
was only mine

her eyes have laid claim
letting me know
that it will continue
she is open
for your every entry
available, at your
beck and call

and what can I do
how am I to stop this
there is nothing for me to say
nowhere for me to go

while my heart bleeds
and my pride evaporates
I stand here stuck
plastic smile masking devastating pain
embarrassment pouring over me
like boiling water
anger erupting deep in my pit
disgusted that you would
do this to me again

she had you.

The Takers

There is not one moment
of one day
when someone is not
draining me
taking from me
expecting of me
anticipating of me
siphoning off me
relying on me
shoving their own dreams
onto my mounting piles
of "hoping to dos" and
"when can I accomplish?"

Amazing that they
take so eagerly
so willingly
so freely
without shame of obligation
to feed in
to replace the energy they have absorbed
to replenish the resource they have used

Every second of every day
someone is taking from me
but it has been years
years
and only one or two
who have taken a moment
to take note
invest energy
and seek to pour into the
draining pool
shallowly existing
within me
since the mind recalls

The Itch

the itch is bothering me
it won't be stopped, can't be soothed
it's tearing at me
curiosity rearing it's head and
and taking my mind to down new paths
unexplored terrain
thrill creeping up my spine but
caution holding me back
tugging and my arms and
grasping at my legs
begging me to
be still
stop
be careful

But I got this itch
this central nagging that
can't be cured
there is no balm
no thick cream
no tingling soother
other than
closing my eyes and
jumping over this cliff
floating, falling, diving into
the unthinkable
giving myself over
to these new longings
these new discoveries
and carrying whatever cross
such indulgence
will make me bear

I've got this itch
and I am taking the cure
caution be damned

True Writer Me

I asked Him for a chance
a remote opportunity
a unique opening
I asked Him to send a guide
who would understand my concept
lead my development
shape its encouragement
structure its enlightenment

For 18 months
there was no answer

Then He stepped forward
tempered my heart
prepared my mind
provided clarity
past projects I had forgotten
tumbled forth like dusty pebbles
translucent marbles
gems written in purity
for the simple love of the Word
the simple dream of authorship
the simple memory of life endured

He stepped forward

Do I have the courage
to open my hand
grasp His
step out on faith
follow Him back to
my predestined path
go against the norm
destroy the fake dynasty that I built
remove each brick
with one solid blast
and be the real writer
I was called to be

I asked Him for a chance
and He stepped forward

The Stench

Just like the stench
of rotting men, waiting men
hopeless men
like the sting of love loss and
gaping open wound
like the deep ache of
essence's call ignored
faith disassembled and
belief trodden upon
the pain pushes upon me
shoves within me
where unspeakable memories
lay claim, unfold
padlock my mind
dragging me
down unthinkable pathetic path

Just like the instability of life
sadness pools around my heart
clogs my core
a simple whirlwind of pain
stealing my strength
sapping my fight
my energy stolen
my last breath
extinguished

just like the stench
of rotting men
despair is impenetrable and
loneliness is
inescapable

Love's Fizzle

Love's fizzle
deflating slowly like
air leaking from expanded rubber

this love
originally inflated
expanded
stretched beyond its boundaries, waiting
for the decisive pin
the pinpoint prick
to explode its magnetic shell
erupt into something
deliciously forbidden, sinfully luscious
thickly addictive

Instead, it was forced to wait
at its pinnacle
it was required to languish
to wonder aimlessly, searching for relief
release
praying for an
euphoric emission
which never came

Now, to survive
to maintain
to release and remain whole
inflated love instead fizzles
and seeps through
it's expanded shell
seeping slowly and loudly
fading down to nothing
but a sad longing
and rusty realization
of what magnificence
could have been....

The Real Me

You are my conflict
my greatest inspiration and my
deepest sorrow
my purest love and my
deep seeded doubt

You give me pause
recognizing that I am loving
what I want you to be
ignoring
what your soul reveals
what your tongue tells
and how callous your heart
really is

What is wrong with me that
loving you makes me needy
I avoid truth
ducking its eyes
and
shielding my soul from
its inevitable release
its freeing truth

That you only love the me
I have let you see
and the real me
you don' t know at all
and
I am loving the you
I want you to be
and the real you
I can't stomach at all...

Free

When I finally opened my eyes,
His Word gave me Hope,
His Hope granted me Joy,
His Joy found me Peace,
His Peace set me free.

Just Listen

Lean forward and listen
hear what I am
trying to say
don't guess
misinterpret
assume
be ill informed or
easily misguided
Listen
press your fingertips against
the softness of my chest
and listen
connect
and listen
learn me
understand the erratic rhythm
the strong vibration bass
the powerful sensual buzz
listen, to me
to mine
to all
just listen

Poetic Promise

I haven't been faithful
and now she knows
now I reveal
and spill
my heart

The shine of authordom
caught my eye
and I turned my back
on my poetic muse
casting her aside
in the sea of
discarded wishes and
disappointed dreams

My blessed poetry
I haven't been faithful
neglecting you and using you
tapping in
when I need a release
but forgetting to feed your spirit
nourish your soul

I am an unfaithful lover
a neglectful host
Poetry, I am not worthy

Pure Love

How could I
forget you
ever
How could I
release you
ever
ever
A meeting of minds
a matching of souls
my comfort in the dark
your confidante in the light

i love you

truer words were never uttered
never more believed
never before so intoxicating
each time so breath taking

and i won't forget
how could I
ever
ever forget
the purity
of us

It Hurts

it hurts
a little
a lot
are you coming back
or have you had enough
are you frustrated or
disappointed
how did fun
become confusion
how did easy
become complicated
why would you pull the plug
without warning
without hesitation
without emotion
without pause

how did something transpire
and i remained clueless
how was some line crossed
and i was left unaware
how were you offended
and i remained in loves heaven

it hurts
just a little
a helluva lot

The Word

For I was hungry
and you gave me meat
I was thirsty
and you gave me drink
I was a stranger
and you took me in
I was naked
and you clothed me
I was sick and you visited me
I was imprisoned
and you came to me...

Matthew 25:35-36

The Word, the perfect expression
the perfect meaning

Teenage Discovery

teenagers
playing adults
curiosity overtaking shyness
desire swallowing all the rules
he and I

we sat there
parked
my heart beating
his eyes staring
my mind wanting more
my hands refusing to move
playing the good girl
until the very end
until giving over to
love in its purest form

he was love
and i was need
he was calm
and i was wanting
he was guiding
and i was the blind
he held my hand
while i finally exhaled

he was beautiful
i was fulfilled

Inundated

Full
You filled me up
noticed that my vat sat
dangerously low
damn near empty
pushing out fumes and
sputtering dry sparks
and you poured in you
kindness and
love
appreciation
and love
gentleness
and love
got me saturated and glowing
full and comfy
you filled me up
inundated by your love

Love Tide

The truth is
i love you
although I cannot say it
and i adore you
although the words
remain trapped in my throat

You possess a rare
kindness
that lets me breathe
allows me to expand and explore
test and try
experiment and love

you don't betray me with
judgment
ridicule
withdrawal
cold neglect

and i want to nestle in
the sweet savory comfort of you
burrow in the confident maleness of you
and allow your love
to completely cover me

the truth is
i love you
that I am
swept away
overwhelmed by your
loving tide

Missing Link

Like a missing link I
I search for you

long for you
mourn for you
trying to fill
this inner void
this missing me
so empty
it makes me nauseous
threatening to
turn inside out
flip my inner turmoil
into my outer shell
render me putrid and ugly
riddled with angst

the emptiness within me

remember this chasm opened
tore away at the edges and
stretched so thin
my cover
imploded
my security
disappeared
You left me alone

forever searching
looking
seeking you
and what piece of me
came from you
and what part of me
still resides with you
how did it escape me
how did you
abscond with me
with that vital missing link
without which
every day
is a struggle

I Just Can't

Of course I think about him
during those quiet moments
when the soul can't evade the mind
and noise can't filter out old memories

and I worry
what life behind bars
does to him
to anyone
how he is affected and disconnected
how we are unattached and unaffiliated
how all it takes
is one call
or a letter
a simple postcard

to let him know I care
that he is on my mind
in my thoughts
stirring around my memory

But I can't
holding the pen over blank paper
I can't write and
holding the phone over
vast dial tone
I can't dial and
driving up to the penitentiary
I cant peel myself
from the car

I can't
I just can't

Its weird
or crazy
frustrating or psychotic
because I am not mad
don't regret and no longer resent
I just can't
the memories no longer torment
the absence no longer burns
but still
I can't

and I pray to God that one day I will
Find the strength to
disrupt this cocoon
tear through the malignant state
and be a daughter
despite all the things
my father never was
but right now
I just can't

Whatever I Like

Can I really have
whatever I like?
even if that
means you
totally
or at least
without she
temporarily

If that's what I want
is that what you'll give
and if that's what you'd give
will you be satisfied
with that in receipt
with me
temporarily
without he
but never permanently
cuz my life
and my time
and certainly my love
don't totally belong to me

So can you handle it
can you give me
whatever I like
when my like
fancies you and me
me and you
he and I
in our own
private dance
for a limited time
without obligation and
minus love permutations
or emotion complications
just mind blowing physical expressions

can you give me that
if you are giving me
whatever I like

Peace

Peace
evades me
skirting my mind and
delving into hidden corners
avoiding
turmoil and
anxiety
stress and pressure
repelling any semblance of
calm that
I once had

Peace
disappoints me
because I need it
so desperately
tonight
I need to feel connected and
drawn in
loved and
linked to
instead of
floating aimlessly
wonderingly mindlessly
unable to
feel normal
in my skin

Peace
is tormenting me
having allowed me to
taste his lips and
touch his skin
having stared
deep in my eyes and
shown me fire
having united with
my soul and devoured
my body
now he leaves
me
now I am
alone
needing peace

needing peace

Peace
got the best of me
the strong rushing of
emotion
drowning out his call
roaring past his promises
and I feel so lost
so purposely
so lonely
without
peace

Needing

Melting, your heat
softens me
weakens me
pliable, I become too flexible
so amenable
to anything you want
anything you need
anything I can be
for you

So, vulnerable
lost in the maze of
your passion
lighting at the
tip of your tongue
following a trail of steam
to the center core
of me

Your lips
ignite memories and
future wishes
knowing where I hope they
touch
linger
press
kiss

Insatiable, molding into
the turn of you
the still of you
your low hips
pressing perfectly
reminding me
trying me
pushing me into
frenzied longing and
stuttered whispers

I am weak and
needing the
simple sweet melody
of you

Crush

Is it
simply a crush
a misunderstood rhythm
an erratic soul beat
is that what we feel
when eyes interlock
just a thrumming
misunderstanding
a thickening concoction of
innocent admiration
rolled into one

Is that what this is
an overstated crush?

Love Hard

Got to
love you hard
like tomorrow isn't promised
and yesterday will
surely fade

Got to remember
to be thankful
you are here
every night
you're still here
where you have been
year after year after year

Got to
love you hard
for being true to your word
being real with yourself
being nourishment
to my soul

So blessed
to have you
SO lucky
to know you
So rare, to have
someone like you
in my sphere
in my life
in my soul
binded to you
for an eternity

Got to
love you hard
fresh, clean
pure
heavy
serenly
freely
letting you
spread your wings
because you have
always come back
always landed
right here
within me

Got to love you hard
during this finite life
making sure each utterance
and every act
lets you know
I am completely smitten
so absolutey
in love

Call to Me

Call to me
you
resonate with an internal chord
pulling
magetized and suctioned

I am helpless
hopeless
hearing my name
with no sound
my essence responds
triggered
aware of
uniquely you

Call to me
you
demanding and
irresistable I answer each and every
plea
request
fulfillment,
your pleasure
my only goal

Call to me

Making Love

I love
to make love
by the rays
of the sun
where your masculinesque is
on display
with all its perfections and
all its flaws

Love the feel of the day
when lovemaking is
timeless
neverending
open and free
crisp and refreshing
as perfect
as warm
as genuine as a summer day

Love
making love
to you
without pretense
no candlelight silhouettes
or dark shadows
no covers
no place to hide

Just loving
each and every bit
of each other
open and without shame
in the magnificent brilliance
of the wonderful sun

MAd At Me

Trying to forgive me
for letting me
gain weight
lose control
fail to care

Now its difficult to
reinvent and regenerate
reclaim the sexier shell
within which
protection and comfort came with ease

But now the fat
has me exposed
reveals my weakness
my loss of control

I am mad
at me
for hiding behind the cloak of flesh
covering me in older women's unwanted weight
and for letting the lovely me
go

Your Name

Your name
resonates within the quiet pond
secluded emotion, like a small echo
bounces, growing
magnifies, blossoming
erupts
so much passionate wonder
the memory released
just by the mention
of your name

Your Flame Never Burns

Your fire
doesn't burn me
have you noticed?
It nips at me
flashes of heat
fan over me
I relax and enjoy
your flames, they
circle around me
the perfect elongated leaf,
burning white at its core
blue at its edges
red as its lips
stretch out for me
engulf me
manifest in me
a smoldering lust

Your Fire
never burns me
haven't you wondered why?
because its flames
simply merge with mine
its heat simple melts into
the roar of my furnace
its core is nothing more
than the twin within my pilot

That's why you feel it
when your flame touches mine
that's why you jump and
I flinch
but we both hold still
enjoying the flames
allowing our unique heat
our inextinguishable fire
to become one

Defeated, Finally

Simply defeated
finally
the fight is gone
emptiness remains

the joke
has been on me
real love eludes me
or runs from me
either way
it has proven itself scarce
and my belief in it
useless

It took
three people-
the abandoner
the hater, and
the neglecter
but they have finally won
and I
finally
surrender

Less Faith

It was more than an urge
that compelled
my small frame forward

the pastor beckoned
in his robes, pomp and circumstance
calling the lost to
come to the Lamb
but my ears heard a different Voice
the comforting Voice
that protected me when
my mother went on a rampage
or my father stared into the fire
for months
at a time

the Voice that
assured me it was alright
promised I would make it through
whispered that the nightmares
would end
eventually
if I just
held on

Didn't everyone have one?
there own small Voice
the constant unseen Comforter

so when It said
to step forward,
proclaim my love, and
declare my God
I moved without hesitation
ambling pleasantly down the aisle
obediently doing what I knew
would please
my Lord

I wish
I still had that simplicity
still knew when and how to listen
desperately want to hear Him on
such a regular basis

Wish that I
didn't have to strain, to plead
to beg for His guidance

I wonder at the courage
of the six year old me
who had the faith of giants
with a life so short
knowledge so lacking
experiences so few
yet, my spiritual core was
so much more developed
refined
exquisitely in tune

than it is now

God, please grant me the Faith
of the six year old me

The Mirror

The mirror
told of your pain
spoke of my confusion
whispered volumes of confessions
thundered words of truth
reflected us beautiful
proved us scarred
showed us raw
exposed us vulnerable

Understand

When you avoid me
I understand
sympathize
wish that I too could be free
that this longing didn't invade
overwhelm
complicate what should be
so easy

When I avoid you
you watch me, follow me
mark my desperate efforts
to leave you be
to allow you choice
space to navigate
to avoid me
and the tangled web of
my life

When you avoid me
I understand,
but still
find me sad

Cook For U

This energy
seems to be spreading
invading
overpowering and controlling

seeping
from you

to me

and I
I
I think I wanna
cook for you
create for you
demonstrate the inner god
that you so gingerly inspire
so delicately
enliven

I need to demonstrate
how our union
creates fantastical reality
making barriers evaporate into
translucent visions that I
step through with ease

Reaching for you
focused on you

that deepseeded urge to try
becomes a pounding demand to
tackle and complete
to step foward
without fear
to wrap my hands around nothing
and manifest
everything

May I
cook for you
dance for you
lay back and perform my
ritual just for you
can I write to you
or
sing to you
play a simple melody
reflecting my vibe for you
or should I
center my energies
here, and
simply be
for you
for you
for you

I need to breathe
for you

He Was Magnifiscent

Trying to be clever
I desperately stumbled
all over myself,
stuttering out my
preplanned line
the one sure to seduce
tumbling off my lips
like awkward boulders and shame burning my neck as
the words bounced around in that
awkward silence
like bricks tossed against rubber

Embarrassment
shrouded around the
once clear air
making breath
impossible
sensuality a misnomer
and seduction a
never ending joke

That's what he did to me
ya'll
by a mere glance
a shy smile
a patient pregnant pause
he had me
stuttering foolish words
stammering silly innuendos
suffering heat flashes and
cold phases
body tingles
by simply swimming in
the pool of his eyes
wishing I could
maintain some composure
as I gazed upon
magnificence's reflection

I Wish

I wish
I knew how to touch you
what to say
what to reveal

I wish
I could bottle up my emotion
and pour it into your
cupped hands
let you feel it
spread gently across your fingertips
until your cup runnteh over

I wish
I had you
in another time and
another place
and I could show you
how we could be

I think about it often
oh, how I wish...

Felt You

I felt you
before I saw you
and the feeling was sooooo
real
that it shocked me
then shamed me
because
out of sight, out of mind
was the solution I had been praying for
hoping for
waiting for

Yet, I felt you
before I saw you
proving distance, space, time and absence
created absolutely no interruption at all
my heart
still drummed heavily
my breathing
still quickened rapidly
my body still tried to push forward
responding
while my mind desperately fought to
hold me back

confusion, once again
blinding my spirit and
binding my tongue
tailspinning my control
into a tornado
of fragmented lust

you see,
the fact remains
that I still felt you
before I saw you

The Future

Your purpose
was the beacon to my life
for so long
the mantle was placed on you
the crown befitting your head
the honor stitched carefully
into your spirit

It was you

the reason I was formed
the momentum of my life
the curvature of your father's growth
the experiences of his enriched youth

It was all for you
and the next ones
Our children
Our seed
Our future generation

We understand the principles
know that sins of the father
fall on the heads of the son
that wickedness in the present
manifests into
death in our future

So we have lived clean
have stepped carefully
have let go and released
desires
dreams
unrealized potentials
to bring you to this point

Our lives
were designed
for the maturation
of you

Generations back
generations forward
the belief of tomorrow
the promise of today

It was always
for you

Everything

He told me
that I would forget him
my life would mean something
and what we shared had to
fade away

He told me
that I was amazing and talented
special
because I saw the good in him
whispered love in his ear
muttered hope into his dreams

He told me
that our time together
would mean eveything to him
and
nothing to me
in the future
in the distant oasis of
unlimited possibilities and
unconquered dreams waiting
waiting
at least for me

But he was wrong
underestimating his own power
his affirming intimacies
became the glue to my essence
the sensual piece to my puzzle
despite words and space
years and time
and his sullen prediction
he is still
my everything

Soul Cry

The lover
of my soul
you are

my heart's reason
for throbbing
you know me
well
so well

so you must know I love you
without it
ever being said

your silence
making my mind
ache
and my
essence cry

You are
the lover of my soul
the healer of my heart
and you know
that I love you
without it
ever needing
to be said

I miss you

Reliance

I turned to him for comfort
I received coldness
I turned to him for love
I received judgement
I turned to him for clarity
I received disdain
I turned to him for salvation
I received emptiness

I turned to her for acceptance
she called me ugly
I looked to her for advice
she called me fool
I called on her for support
she called me failure
I reached for her acknowledgement
she named me pathetic

I waited for something whole
but my soul was tattered and torn
I waited for an exit
but met a constant dead end
I waited for a break
and instead fell down life's merciless pit

Foolishly Forever

Forever
I promised forever
always
I meant it
foolishly

now unable to
route me
can't establish the link
to seductive betrayal
can't force my footstep
outside the box
for fulfillment

I bound myself
forever
and love changed
but I'm here
forever
and this noose
is slowly
strangling me...

TRIBUTE: SOFTEN MY SOUL

Tribute: Soften My Soul

I sat on the edge of the tub, waiting. This cannot happen to me. Not now. I had managed to make it through high school, undergrad, 2 years of work and law school without so much as a slipup. A month ago, I signed my contract of employment with the law firm, which contained the six figure salary that would be the key to my future. At 26, I already earned triple my parents salary. Now, when things were finally falling into place and the life I had dreamt of was within my grasp, I was possibly pregnant. This just cannot happen to me.

But the past two weeks had been a blur of cramps and nausea. When I wasn’t vomiting, I experienced hot flashes, cold flashes and embarrassing mood swings. Just that afternoon, I had cried at the firm’s lunch conference, frustrated that my coworker nabbed the last brownie.

So I bought the home pregnancy test and locked myself in my bathroom, praying that my good fortune hadn’t come to an end. I finally gathered my nerve and glanced at the window indicator. With two clear stripes of pink, my worst fears were confirmed.

What am I going to do? Simple. I have to hide it. Relying on my own flawed understanding, hiding it became the most logical conclusion in the world. Except for my husband, I just wouldn’t tell anyone. Never mind that I would eventually begin to show. Or that it was ludicrous for a professional married woman to hide a pregnancy. I only had one clear thought: there was no way I would let the firm know that they had just invested six figures in an attorney who would be taking maternity leave in 9 months.

I walked around with my little secret, ignoring the cause of my sudden unrelenting illness. Two weeks later, while sitting at my desk, I became overwhelmed with cramps. Worried, I rushed to the restroom. In the stall, I doubled over in pain, but clenched my teeth, determined to get through it. When the pain finally subsided, I noticed the spots. Blood. Oh no. Oh, God, no.

I ran back to my office, grabbed my purse and cell phone, mumbled something to my secretary, and left the building. In the car, I called the doctor.

“Doctor’s office. May I help you?”

“Yes. I am spotting. Pregnant. I need to see someone, now.”

“Where are you?”

“D.C.” The lights were taking forever to turn green. The people wouldn’t get out of the crosswalk. MOVE. Something is wrong with my baby.

“Go to our satellite office. It’s closer. I will phone ahead and tell them you’re coming.”

She gave me the directions. I tore through the city, my heart beating faster and my breath becoming shallow. I can’t lose my baby. It had never occurred to me that something bad could happen or that the baby wouldn’t make it. During that car ride, the “it” that had invaded my body, that I had barely spoken about and had tried to ignore with all my might, became my baby.

When I arrived at the office, the nurses escorted me to the back room for a sonogram. The head nurse arrived. It will be alright. It has to. She attempted to make small talk, but I didn’t hear a word. I prayed silently that I hadn’t neglected my poor child before she was ever given a chance.

“Mrs. Moore, you can get dressed.”

“Huh? You said the doctor would see me.”

“Yes, I did. But I don’t think he will need to perform a follow up sono, after all. He would like to talk with you in his office instead.

I nodded. He will just tell me that I need rest. I never get bad news at the doctor’s office, except for the stupid weigh in. It will be alright.

I pulled on my clothes and followed the nurse down the hall.

“Mrs. Moore, please have a seat.”

I glanced at the pleasant looking man before me and wondered how long this would take. I hope this is quick. I need to get back to work.

“Mrs. Moore, I am sorry to tell you this, but the fetus does not have a heart beat.”

A loud clap filled me ears, followed by the sound of cloth tearing. I shut my eyes and shook my head to clear my hearing. I couldn’t have heard him right. “I’m sorry,” I said with a little smile, scoffing at myself, “For some reason, I thought you said… I mean, I couldn’t really hear you. What did you say?

“Mrs. Moore, your fetus. There is no heartbeat.”

“What? No, that’s not right.”

“Yes, Mrs. Moore, we have the pictures of the sonogram right here. See the mass? There.” He tapped the circle at the bottom of the swirl of black and white. “I am afraid that is the fetus. It does not have a heartbeat. You will need to schedule an emergency D&C.”

“A what?”

His lips continued to move, as he carefully used technical words like fetus, mass and removal. My heart had stopped beating. My baby is dead. I had ignored her, had been ashamed of her. I had chosen the six figure salary over my precious baby. She wasn’t just a fetus or a mass. She was my child and I had lost her. I had cruelly neglected her very existence.

I felt my mouth open. I heard his stream of words abruptly halt. The cry from my soul must have shocked him, because he sat with his mouth open and eyes wide, while I loudly sobbed. The head nurse quickly entered the room and handed me tissue. I stood up to exit, my cries echoing through the office. As we walked past the other nurses and patients, they bent their heads together and whispered, their faces full of pity. I never felt more alone.

That evening I talked to my husband. We prayed. I called my girlfriends. We prayed. They formed a prayer circle and prayed. In the midst of prayer, someone suggested a second opinion. A few phone calls later revealed that a radiologist had an opening the following Monday. God please grant my baby a second chance. Please, God, grant me a second chance.

This time, my husband went with me. After a long wait, the moment finally arrived. If my child had passed away, at least I would get one last chance to see her, one last chance to apologize. The radiologist glanced through my chart and then began her search for the baby. Finally, we spotted her, a tiny tadpole shaped being.

“Do you see the red spot that keeps blinking?” asked the radiologist, a huge smile covering her face.

I nodded.

“That’s the baby’s heartbeat. She is fine.”

My husband bowed his head in relief. My child had been spared from a horrible mistake or granted a second chance at life. I will never know which. But I learned that my baby was a rare and precious gift, one that I would never again take for granted.

Bio:

Aisha K. Moore, Esq., pseudonym a.Kai, is a published poet and novelist who enjoys writing inspirational, fantasy, sci fi (speculative fiction), commercial and adult fiction. Her Discover Kai Poetry Collection is an intimate monthly log of experiences, emotions and reflection that consists of six published collections, including Cherished Beginnings, Intimate Musings, Internal Indulgences and Peaceful Resolution. She is a contributing poet to Step Up to the Mic: A Poetic Explosion (Poetic Press). Her poetry has been recognized in a number of magazines, book clubs and literary circles and is posted on a number of websites and blogs.

Her inspirational short story, Second Chance, has been published in True: Vol. 2 and her short story, The Marks, was published by The Writer’s Cafe’ Press in the anthology Light at the Edge of Darkness. A third short story, Mikki’s Anniversary, is included in the anthology If It Ain’t One Thing, It’s Another. She is a guest reviewer for RAWSISTAZ Book Club.

A wife and mother of five, Aisha graduated from Georgetown University Law Center and is licensed to practice in both Washington D.C. and Maryland. She is employed by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) where she works in employment discrimination matters. For more information, visit her at www.discoverkai.com, www.discoverkai.blogspot.com or www.myspace.com/discoverkai.

Tribute To Mothers

My Grandmother:

Soft Hands

Time has surrounded me
encumbered me
binding and strapping me
restricting my reach to memories

I cannot bring back the past
Oh, how I want to,
just to experience as
many of those moments of you
as I can

I am bound to the magnetic tunnel of time
unable to crack it
forward motion never stopping, never releasing me
I cannot get extra
cannot stretch out this second, moment, minute
see?
it is already gone

I just want to see her again.
Just one more time
hear the tinkling laugh
the gentle voice
hold the soft hand that felt like
the bottom of a newborns foot
The hands that would place me in her lap,
rub my back, pray over me and
cover me with love
God inspired protection

Annie Ophelia
I miss you, but I understand
you have been released and
the pain is finally gone

But every now and then, in my dreams
I am that little girl again
in endless love with
her beautiful grandmother
holding onto your soft, soft hand....


My Daughters:

Achieve, Little Girl

You can achieve the unlimited
Capable of dreams and imaginings
unthinkable to
generations past

Soar, little girl, soar
I see you and I know you
only self doubt and deception
can steal your love and being
stand in your way
only you can stop you

Fight through it, little girl, please
Press, press, press forward
to the promised destiny
fulfilling generations of prayers
tied supernaturally to divine faith

It's yours, little girl
it belongs to you
step into it with
inherent entitlement
grasp and hold on through
certain controversy and
designed distraction

Be blessed, little girl
be blessed
knowing it is not impossible
rather, it is predetermined and
very necessary for you to
fulfill that dream
achieve unlimited heights
clear paths for future legacy.

I love you, little girl, I do.

My Baby Girl

You are filled with a unique essence
you exude deep loves joy
your being rhythmically inspired and musically imbued
I am simply amazed by your very existence

Baby girl, in my womb you twisted and turned
rocked to inner dimensions clear vibrations
molding your natural melody and
developing intellectual prowess
your internal beat and flow
so different yet so perfect

Now I watch you
dance and spin
bounce and hop
twirl and tumble
climb and fall
nod your head and close your young eyes
rocking to the precious savory personal tune
He has instilled within your spirit

Your phenomenal radiation
simply unspeakable
a pure cosmically manifested essence
you are my life

On Being A Mother:

A Mother

I am a mother
Can you imagine that?
unbelievable

I still find myself amazed that
in His infinite wisdom
He chose me
looked upon me and smiled
decided to bless
with morsels of His light
that shine golden
spread brilliant
reflect lovely

I am a mother
so undeserving yet
so completely thankful
reaping joy in each accomplishment
mending my heart, strengthening my soul
trying to encourage
behind each and every disappointment

This love is indescribable
breathtaking and sincere
all consuming
I will give my life
my heart
my mind
my essence
my all
to mold these phenomenal spirits
into the unique vessels
they were destined to be

I am a mother

To My Eldest, who is leaving for college:

My Young Black Man

An entire future is
waiting for you
breathless with anticipation
hoping, praying, pleading
for you to stay on track

My young black man

The boy in you is
growing up, maturing
changing and expanding
discovering talents
developing skills

You were purposely
hidden in the shadows
your gifts apparent
your uniqueness so identifiable
I hid you in the depths of my heart
for protection
minimizing exposure
keeping your world small
to allow you to
plant roots and
grow firm

Maybe it wasn't right
but it was the best I could do

Now you emerge
split through the timid form
stepping forth a man
exuding strength and character
calm and love
fulfillment and destiny
just a stones throw away

Hang on, my young black man
please follow your path
be careful with your life
treat your being with respect
remain prayerfully diligent
that your way is lighted,
path predetermined
success guaranteed


My Baby Boy:

Baby Jordan

10 months of peace and calm

This special baby
residing in me
caused my spirit to
be still
turmoil to subside
he brought me
peace

It nestled into my essence
contaminated every fiber
consumed all ill will
confusion and mistrust

I had never experienced it before

Did not know that life could be quiet
that joy existed in each ray of sunlight
trickling through a sparkling window
Contentment presented itself in the
regularity of morning, noon and night
calm emerged as a blanket of safety and
cloak of security

This special baby

like the sprinkling of cool waters
in the midst of a fierce sun
and the calm lapping of lakes
against overflowing banks
Jordan,
my unique deliverer of peace

Breathed You

Your exhale
became my inhale
my intake
my access to your
very essence
adoring you inner core
so in love
I simply
breathed you

The Test

He tested the waters
dipped a finger in to
judge the level of my heat
the clarity of my response
the solidness of my answers

But, no more tests for me
deciding I am ready
for all that he has to offer
if he is ready
to accept me on my terms
meaning
he can never have
all of me
what I can carve out and
steal away
is all that I can offer

He threw out the bait
to see if I would bite
Instead I grabbed hold of the line
wrapped the cord around my body
and hoped when he felt my tug
he would reel up my entirety

He didn't
the tug too strong
the obvious too apparent
he took a taste test
but when my desire stung his tongue
he spit me out
and turned his back

Believe Me Weak

too safe
my love has been
patient
trying to understand
desperately wanting to communicate
to receive back one fraction of
the undisputed support
I've poured out

But you assume me weak

Because I forgave
repented to keep the peace
struggled to learn
in hope of pleasing
in hope of satiating
choosing you
over me

You think me weak

Its a mistake
to not recognize my power
the innate strength that has kept me alive
despite you
despite them
despite it all
that inexplicable thing that still lets me love
despite you
despite them
despite it all

my love has been too easy
and you assume I will always be here
forgetting that
at the root of it all
I am a woman
I am a woman
I am a woman

and while your rude neglect
and passive aggressive attacks
silent attempts to harm
devious actions to undermine
may seem to keep you on top
in power
and
victorious
because you think me confused

weak and easy

my love is twofold
my needs will be met
my desires will be fulfilled
my dreams will be accomplished
my body will receive the wanted touch
my fllame will always burn

while you believe me weak

Slow to Speak

So much I wanted to tell him
so much I needed to say
in all that time the
words wouldn't come
because of shyness
of anticipated rejection
or just complete denial that I was
absorbed in loves grip

I wanted to tell him
I thought him beautiful
and uniquely special
worthy and so genuinely entitled
i hoped his future would
open an oasis of dreams realized
and his life
would be a painted canvas of rich hues and
colorful inspirations


I wanted to admit that I loved him and
always would
that his eyes on me
melted my inner core
turned solid rock into thick churning lava
made the pounding of my breath a mere echo
of the deep current flowing through me

I wanted to whisper that he was forever mine
or I was forever his
forever what he needed me to be
forever willing to
renew me
respin this
restyle us
just to see his shy grin and
quiet smile
just to have him focused on me
i would hand over the world
for him

But I never said it
because i never thought
I would run out of time
I didn't know that
the seconds move forward and
you can't reach back
rewind
recapture those tender moments and
lovely spaces and
memorialize them anywhere other
than the chamber of my heart
from which I now speak

So much I wanted to tell him
but, suddenly, one day
we were in different hemispheres
life abruptly switched tracks and
redirected our focus
and every word unspoken
hidden within my hesitant soul
had already found
its eternal resting place

damnit,
I had so much
I wanted to tell him

Stay Away

You are forbidden
off limits and
unacceptable
yet you radiate such a
raw heat
a wanting desire
an unharnessed sensual energy
it loudly summons me
calls to me
distracts my perceptions and
interferes with my logic

I am scared of you
afraid of you
of I
of what I would do
of what we could do
be
where we would begin
the drowning satisfaction that
would lead to
what end?
how explosive this
infusion would be
until
stretching and morphing
and imploding into
something disastrous
painful
terrible
hateful

Lust like this
doesn't lead to healthy
or sane
it leads to tears and
threats
heartburn and
fights
painful words and
verbal lashings
paranoia and stalking
never getting enough
always needing more
hating the longing
but addicted
so addicted

I know me
how addicted to you
I would be

so please stay away
keep your forbidden self
as far from me
as possible
give me a chance
at clarity
at reality
at the mundane boring stability
of normal love and normal life
just promise
to keep your white hot
insatiable flame
away from me

Still Linger

Is it possible
that after all the woman
all the forbidden kisses and
unmentionable rendevous
after all the broken promises and
callous lies
the conquered quests and
intimate encounters

After all that you have tasted
touched
savored
and marinated in

After all the lust

I still linger in your mind

Is that really possible?

Celebrate

I want to celebrate you
want to wrap my arms
around your fullness and
bury my head in your chest
my heart in your spirit
my mind in your knowledge
my soul in your wonder

I want to celebrate with dignity
covering our weak spots
by glorifying the strong stretches
the links that bond
the bridge
that is you
crossing into peace and prosperity
wealth measured in
bountifulness and expansion
seedlings and future
you have made me
rich

I want to celebrate
loving you
wanting you
needing you
rejoicing in you

I want to celebrate you

Dim

Like black spots
by the dazzling sun
stinging to stare directly
torturing to take on its blaze
but unable to turn away

I was so in love
with you
that even now it
blows my mind
amazes me
dazzles me
that I could be so open
and fascinated
certain and
taken...

blinded,
looking away when love
damaged the retina and
forever blurred my sight
but, compared to your
magnificent love
everything else after you
seemed so
dim-

For You

This kiss
is for you
riding on the wind
of my love
on the spirit of my hope
my belief
my dream
of the perfection of you

This kiss
is everything
I have
that I am
that I will be
Within this kiss
I have wrapped my essence
your magnifiscence
my amazement
your sincerity
my distraction

I am enamored by you
enthralled by you
enraptured by you
breathing in the
intimate scent of you
tasting the
masculine wonder of you

I can't explain it
can't express it
no words to put to it
no rhythm that quite captures it

but this kiss
this kiss is for you

Depression

Filled with the inexplicable sadness
that flows from the spirit
when something is wrong
but you can't quite locate it
acknowledge it
figure out what is making you so
empty
void
black

Feeling unprotected and
unimportant
unworthy and
unattractive

Suddenly sad
so very sad
wanting to protect my family and
be what they need
but so sure i will fail
have failed
have dipped my finger into
the delectable vat of sin
and swirled
enjoyed its taste
marinated in its
luscious thickness
and now the resiude
forever stains me

I am feeling lost
but this time,
I know this trap
recognize this space
clawing desperately to
break free
from depressions neverending trap.

Won't

A choice
I guess that's what it was
to write
or to be ____
filling in the blank
still left little choices
still left me empty

while he says the opposite
the message is clear
to receive love, my talents
cannot be on display
my visions must be silenced
my dark form
must only be his shadow

the price for love is not
plainly stated
its made clear in the
lack of acknowledgement
failure to respond
hesitance to support
refusal to read

so the proposal has been made
a choice obviously necessary
but i won't silence my heart
won't close up my mind
won't tuck away the blossoming me
to save this love

I won't

Resigning calm

Resignation
with resignation comes
calm, even contemplation
the remains of a
tired soul
a spent muse
energy bounded together and
neatly packaged, perfectly formed
removing the frayed edges
which are emotion:
heartache, love, confusion and hope

I no longer hope
no longer wait for change or
dare to believe that there is difference
every word brings us back
forming a tight circle,
a strangling noose
a spiral of pain resurfacing, never changing

because you focus blame on me

but resignation brings
a strange sort of calm
a powerful detachment
now I'm redirecting my energies
my love
toward rivers
that run to beautiful oceans
sparkling and crisp
full of life and eternal wonders
instead of pooling lifelessly
uselessly
in the dark marshy swamp
that is your heart

This Life of Mine

I need a new plan
a new strategy
for this life that I'm living
this plank that I'm walking

The people i love
knife me repeatedly
spit in my face
kick at my soul

and i excuse them
tiptoe around them
knowing that the fault is mine
because my existence is repugnant
my being, simply repulsive

But, unlovable though I feel
its no longer an excuse
no longer a viable option
to swallow the pain and press on
to forgive the unthinkable
to keep the peace

because pure love flows through me
manifests from me
creates something distinct
lovely and memorable within me
births creation and destiny
from me

Making me worth
at least a little something
deserving of
a little more
so I am claiming it
praying for it
seeking a better way
another option
a new plan
for this life of mine.

Simply You

It was you
and I just realized it

You
who disturbed
the stillness of my life
tore through my dull serenity
like a throbbing hunger
a potent implosion


You
generating a magnetic pull
a deep spiritual tug
buried in the back of my mind
waiting for its
calling, its inevitable wakening

You
reminding me of love
of soft touch
of secret delight

You
sending chills up my spine
and quiet grins of anticipation
promise of physical freedom
exhilaration
creating goosebumps and
longing promise of
caresses through the night

It took one look
into the deep swell of your eyes
the hesitant pause
that overwhelmed us both
captured us both and
I finally put my finger on it
the cause is you
Simply you.

All Yours

What if I told you
I thought you beautiful
statuesque
heavenly
godly

What it I wanted to
touch your hair
rub your scalp
massage your head
the back of your neck

What if I admitted
that your smile made my heart stop
made my breathe short
that I looked for you
each and every day
laying eyes on you
reset me
realigned me
righted me

What if I confessed that
I so desperately wanted to tell you
to talk to you
to hear your raspy voice
one more time
speaking to me
in friendly tones and loving words

What if I told you
I was all yours.

Nothing At All

He thought I was playing games
I see that now
Thought I wanted to have my cake
and devour it too
He saw my indecision
as manipulating
playing
teasing
designed to lure in more than one
engage with more than one
enjoy much more than one

But it wasn't

I didn't know where he stood
the signs floating past me
like fog in the wind and I
was afraid to let go
to try, to challenge
to believe in him
because
who believes in them?

I wasn't disingenuous
but thought my love was
too free, too open, so dangerous
so I reserved some piece of me
in the fun of it all
in the thrill of the chase

but when he found out
he seemed betrayed
and suddenly demanding all
he chose nothing at all.

Finally Living

It was so hard
then
difficult
impossible to breathe
to smile
to laugh
to relax
to enjoy
to live

Nightmares flooding my mind
panic crowding my thoughts
no exercise in fatih
no understanding of peace

My young life
seemed so painful
somewhat hopeless
then

It is easier
now
simpler now
savoring each moment
stretching each minute
thinking back without regret
longing without shame
loving without harm
reminscing without scars
dreaming without doubt
pursuing without fear
hungry for the future
living
living
I'm finally living

It is so much easier
now

Mean Something

I was about to die.
The truth blew threw me
in an uncomplicated way
no fear, no panic
just disappointment
that this was how my life
would end

The explosion of
mangled metal tore through the air
but with the realization of death
came silence
as my body lifted out of the seat
time stood still
a million thoughts, memories
experiences
flooded my mind
I would never get to college
my mother would never forgive me
I hadn't forgiven my father
how would my grandmother
survive the news
why hadn't i put on a seatbelt
what had my 17 years meant
to anyone?

Dear God. Please God. I need more time...

There was no pain
as time replaced itself
and my airborne seconds ended
when my head
crashed into an unseen barrier
Everything went black

But, eventually, my eyes opened
I was still here
He had given me
another chance
to make this life
mean something...

Unfulfilled

Can't you tell
I miss you
don't I
feel dry, withdrawn
isn't my space less cozy
my air less vibrant
my muse less sensual

I didn't make the connection
until sandpaper poured from my pen
scratched across my surface
and presented itself
in another dry poem

You
I miss you
you have left me
moved on or perhaps
forgotten
but the raw energy
you inspire in me
causes my fingertips to quiver as
bountiful sensuality
oozes from my pen
stimulates my mind and
enthralls my being

But without you
without the simple sight of you
I have retreated to dry
boring and
unfulfilled
my spark is gone

Loose Lips

He loosely drops
a hundred words
a minute
letting them carelessly
flow
from his lips
without measure
restraint or thought
he talks to hear himself
impress himself
convince himself that the
timid little boy within has
finally been destroyed and
the braggadocio, older version of him
is better
stronger
more likable

But I used to love the boy
took comfort in his quiet
in his determination
in that unsteady confidence gained from
being alone and
knowing its alrite

Now I stand here
grimacing
looking for an exit
a polite way to disappear
and remove myself
from this man
this mirror of his former self
with loose lips
spewing a continuous stream of
nonsensical wordage
in an attempt
to deflect speculation
from himself

An Old Soul

An old soul
or a wizened spirit
either way
her knowledge runs deep
like the rivers of ancient lands
her eyes sweep over me
and determine my anguish
understand my pain
her hands gently stroke my arm
as she seeks to calm me
to sympathize with me
this ageless soul
residing in such
a petite body
a tiny frame

I look down
meet her eyes
and see me
the me I used to be
when I had hope
and truly understood love
before abandonment painted me
pessimistic
and death taught me
callous truth

she is beautiful
such an old soul
such a heavy spirit
my special daughter
infusing purity into
my whirlwind reality

I wonder if she is
my protector
my encourager
if He knew I needed a reason
to keep trudging
to keep trying
and delivered this beautiful gift
to keep me aware
alive
encouraged
inspired

If I Let You Go

If i let you go
will you come back to me
think on what we are
and long to have it near
hold me close
reminisce on romantic bliss
and seek creative ways to recreate
our passion
our lust
our love

Or, if i let you go
will you get caught up
ride the sway of the wind
following wherever it may lead
distracted by the fluttering of
every beautiful butterfly
every soft feminine scent
round firm touch
delicate luring promise

Do I really have you
Or are you just resting here
appeasing a permanent need
with the temporary seduction of me

What happens when i let you go?

Simply Sexin

Making
Love
Intimately
So different from
simply sexin
something you
never seemed to understand
but he got it right
the first time

That the act
could be so much more
Sensual
Seductive
Stimulating
Not just
obligatory kisses
expected gropes
before premature thrusts

What took us minutes
stretched into
thrilling hours
feather light strokes and
perfectly positioned massages
listening to my breathing
understanding the deep inhales and
responding perfectly to
the quick gasps
holding me close
eyes open
lips near
on
around...

teaching me a
never forgotten lesson
a cherished soulful experience
making love intimately
is so different
from simple sexin...
a lesson i am sure
you will never truly learn

The Gossip...

Its the gossip
Im sure of it
thats what is
bringing me down
slowing my vibe
making me feel lost
stranded
homeless and
clueless

Allergic to it
I have finally realized
as hate pours from others lips
and fills my ears
tickles my tongue
I initially savor it
taken in by its shock value
the delicious wrongness of it
feeling sinfully right

But inevitably
it fills my belly
like soggy bread
making me feel bloated
uncomfortable
disgusted and disappointed
for failing to maintain my diet
of nurturing speak
of verbal life and
word refreshment
instead of
poisoning my mind
my soul
my being
with all this
negative lingo

Its the gossip,
thats whats got me
sitting here reevaluating
and reacting
bowing my head
in shame

Free?

Who are we
and what have we become
is love transcending
stretching
growin us?
or testing, aggravataing
destroying us?

Does loving of you
mean the sacrifice
of me
the denial of me
the rejection of me

Does loving me
mean the change of you
the loss of you
the disrespect of you

Who are we
now
is this what
we wanted to become?
or is desertion
from this love
this relationship
this tiring, taxing thing
the only way
to truly be free

Hostage

She held me hostage
captive
two nights before
freedom
Trunks full and car packed
well wisher's presents
scattered about the house

She said no.
Simply no.

She would not take me
to college
did not care about my
new Home by the Sea
full tuition scholarship
be damned
I wasn't ready
she wasn't ready
and
I wasn't worthy anyway.

48 hours of tears
pleading and begging
her final choke hold
my last chance at salvation

finally, tears dried
I accepted my fate
I would never escape
would never enjoy that
long anticipated exhale

that's when he loaded my things
silently placed me in the car
and drove me away
from my captured cell

Without Shame

I bes that
pimps daughter
the Vietnam Vets seed
the culmination of
loves failed attempt to
restore the soul
of normalcy
desperately trying to recover
from reality

I bes that
good girls first born
but subsequently
her one and only
teaching and trying
struggling and praying
believing that
love was the
key to completeness
but heartache
ripped
a brand new chasm
falling into
depressions permanent despair

I bes that
raw mans sister
those street hustlers cousin
that gang bangers neice

the middle woman to
two separate worlds

my other peoples
my southern roots
all educated
all financially achieved
all politically correct
and socially tapped in

making me that
Delta's daughter
those many Que's neice
the Eastern Star Legacy
the Masonic Brothers relation

I bes that
all that I am
without shame

Must Be Still

Still
Be still
my spirit is vexed
nervous and frustrated
promises made
that I have yet to keep
good intentions roping me
past financial constraints and
marital obligations

I must be still
Still
I must be still

Worried about my seed and
the vast plain that is his future
the sun rising, gently
but harsh elements
motivated by envy and hate
swirl against him
seek to undermine him, sabotage him
destroy him on a
national playing field
to vindicate their own
insecurities
and I am scared for him

Still
I must be still
Still

My spirit requests it
counsels it
demands it
I must be still
and allow Him
to clear my path
and lead my way.

The Front Door

In seven months
despite livin
lovin
pleasurin
pleasin
workin and strivin

he hadn't kissed her

How could it be
that in seven months
he hadn't slowly wrapped his arms around her
tucked her safely within
his masculine haven
and rested his lips
gently against hers

In seven months
intimacy departed
sensuality vacated
relationship simply became
business as usual

Seven months

that's when her eyes
began to focus
on the front door...

The Gap

She missed him
adored him
but there were no more words
once he moved on
changed direction
found a new path

So easy, it seemed at first
she planned to say something
to try something
to make him chuckle, nod, embrace her
in his heart

but, as time passed
his chin grew firmer
neck seemed stiffer
eyes grew colder
he stared, without blinking
and she lost her nerve

the chasm between them
widened with silence

And she wouldn't do it
couldn't cross the narrow rotten bridge
winding across that spiritual gap
couldn't bring the words to her lips
to explain herself
to beg forgiveness
to let him know that
he was her future
and her love was rare enough
genuine enough
that he should take the chance

Although she longed
to touch him
be held by him
mean something, anything, to him

She simply stood there
bowing her head in defeat
listening to the deafening crack
of her spirit

Sacrifice?

Did I miss life
living too safe in the bubble
staying protected in the pocket
avoiding pain and humiliation
by avoiding
growth and adventure

Is it possible
that I hid to protect my heart,
heal my spirit
but instead I thwarted opportunity
shunned inquisitiveness
discouraged creativity

Did life pass me by
while I played it safe?
choosing the comfort of the shadows
instead of the brazenness of the spotlight
shrinking back
retreating from battle
when I should have
worn my crown
stood my ground
and fought this fight

Was I so shaken
by my troubled childhood
that I gave away my life
to cling to some semblance
of peace and quiet

The Fool

So, its by any means necessary?
by any throat slit
by any vein cut
you are draining us
deluding us
willing to destroy us all
if you can't have your way

Politics as usual

how dare you transform
an historic event
into a trial by fire
after they nailed you to the stake
crucified your marriage
raped your credibility
smeared your every accomplishment
against the vile canvas of hypocrisy

Now you want to
play hard ball

You've lost me
my loyalty seeping
down the drains of mistrust
disgust and deep seeded resentment
because I once believed in you
supported you
stood by you
and fought for you

Now you make me the fool
with every attempt to discredit
every false claim of religion
every veiled mention of race
every insinuation of inexperience
every announcement of plagiarism
every promotion of McCain
every attack on the man's life

You have now made me the fool,
Mr. and Mrs. Clinton,
for all those years
I believed in you

This Emotion

It was running away with me
this lust
this admiration
this thought of
me and you

It started to consume me
flooding my mind with
the softness of your lips
the pressure of your touch
the sensuous tone of your voice

It began to take over
causing me to blush
for no reason
sigh during random moments
giggle softly at
inappropriate times

It ran away from me
out of control
I rode this wave of emotions
spinning and bubbling
throbbing and vibing
allowing you to
have all of me

The Ugly Duckling

She would stare at the mirror
without blinking
sighing
frustrated
uttering words of hate
at the reflection glaring back at her

The lips just too big
the skin way too dark
"why did God make me this way
how can I go out like this"
her cries confused me

To me
she was simply lovely
but each day her words
chipped away at her beauty
distorted my minds eye
making full lips
a source of shame
high cheekbones
a source of pity
dark skin
a mask of pain

I listened
as self hate
oozed from her lips
like neverending venom
and, as I grew
my reflection
became so similar to hers
I barely glanced at the mirror
my heart broken by
the hideous creature
the unloveable monster
the fat, ugly duckling
that stared back at me

wondering why
God had made me this way
cursed me with this face
jinxed me with this skin...

Withdrawal

I'm running
Fleeing from you
from this
Escaping this
mental trap
of love twisted
unending adoration
lust covered
veiled infatuation

Im running

Stop chasing me
reappearing
reminding me
receiving me
swallowing me
drowning me

Im saying no
Im stopping and shouting
drawing the line in the sand
throwing the salt
over my shoulder
Claiming my escape
my release
salvaging whats left of me
in a desperate attempt
to withdraw
from you

Good Enough

What if
I'm not good enough
Not real enough
not found worthy enough
nor intellectual enough

What if the
vulnerability
deep within me
is split open and dug out
spread out and
examined
and determined
to be lacking
overrated and
disappointing

What if
I simply don't have it
despite all my energies
all my dreams
this deep seeded desire
this love of the written word

What if the gift
is only a light dusting of talent
a mere sprinkling of ingenius
what would I be then
could I swallow the
aching loss
the fractured belief
my splintered essence

Tell me
what if?

SImply Do You

Just do you
Be you
standing soundly on
what you are and
who you want to be

you are prepared
for this moment
for this challenge
designed for this
uniquely rare opportunity

Nothing occurs by accident
there is no happenstance
the turmoil and anguish
were purposely thrown your way
to test you
to strengthen you
to ready you
for this day

No pressure
No stress
Just breathe in
look around
enjoy it, remember it
recall the dream
revel in the excitement
recognize your platform
then
simply do you

Sorry

Im sorry
If I caused you confusion
If you wondered into my life
right at a turning point
a questionable junction

I'm sorry
if somehow I poured into you
something that was
too much
too deep
too heavy
for you to understand
for you to enjoy

I'm sorry
that I let my imagination
get the best of me
let my desires
run away with me
that I gave you a glimpse
of what a woman really is
or really can be

I'm sorry if
this encounter
maimed your spirit
or marked your soul
I hope, instead
that you found joy
in my simplicity
in my honesty
in my breaking apart
every little piece of me

Fiyah

It's the
turn of the head
the strut of a king
confidence oozing out of
every pour
brash and raw
that's what makes him
fiyah

Its the direct stare
with the hint of a smile
the sexy head nod
the perfected stance
lingering long enough
for sensual dreams to
unravel in your mind
thats what makes him
fiyah

It's not physical perfection
cuz that would make him
too pretty
too prissy
Naw, its
the flawed, the rough
the real, the true
whose eyes tell you
he can run the world
or at least rule your heart
if you let him
trust me,
you should let him
there's nothin like a taste of
fiyah

Understand

He refused to look at me
I was too young to understand
we were cool
friendly
but I had to speak first
reach out with a smile and a hug
or he
would stare over my head
pretend I didn't exist

I didn't understand

I quit
wanted to see
how long he could ignore me
how long he would look at me
when my head was turned
and walk away
when I faced him

But the days became weeks
became months became years
and my little boycott
turned into a
insurmountable canyon
of unspoken words
avoided eye contact
dismissed acknowledge

Now, years later
there is nothing to say
life moved on and
our time is past
Still, we stand here
watching each other
across the yard
still we don't speak
we don't blink
we don't cross that vat of
emptiness

Only now, do I really see you
do I finally understand
is it obvious that you
had feelings for me
thought of me
the irony is
I wanted you too
but neither of us
had the courage to say anything

Now, years later,
I finally understand

Everything?

We could be everything
you and I
we can have it
the dream
the idea
the belief
why can't we be it?

If you would just concentrate
on me, on us
instead of your dreams
instead of your hopes
then we can make it

If I simply dilute down
the best of me
the spark that makes me unique
to fit you
fit your idea
of wifely perfection

Then wouldn't we be perfect
with our shiny cars and
big house
lovely kids and
successful careers
wouldn't we be wonderful

If we both
figure out how
to drown out
the overwhelming stench
of disappointment
the unforgiving funk of
talent wasted
and silence the whispering cry
from deep within our souls
begging us to remember
our spiritual gifts
feed our starving souls
allow
our effervescence to bloom

Then, wouldn't we be perfect?

Despair

Lonely
the echo of my mind
reverberating
replaying regretful utterances
admissions
reflections
of loneliness

Bored
lingering so restless
without purpose
without focus
disseminating in all directions
convinced of
no internal purpose
boredom stirring the
depths of my being
rumbling my
spiritual anxiety

Losing will
drowning in
loneliness' despair

What Would You Say

What would you say
if I told you the truth
If I admitted that I avoid your eyes and
maintain my distance
because your being calls to me
loudly
uncontrollably

What would you say
If I admitted
my heart loudly pounds near you
my calm fades away around you
you inspire me to be
woman
insatiable woman
in every conceivable way

What would you say
if I told you the truth
that I enjoy staring at your profile
love to get lost in your smile
in the sea of depth
that flows in your eyes

That you already have me
you've won this battle
without even trying
the minutia of dignity I maintain
comes in pretending

pretending that laying eyes on you
doesn't ignite my imagination
doesn't create fantasy's overflow
doesn't begin a whirlwind of passion

I won't say it
if I did, there would be nothing left to say
don't you agree
Tell me
What would you say?

My Poison

Clinging desperately to the
obvious flaws
the blatant fouls
the ridiculous mistakes

Hanging on each blunder
as if they provide oxygen
as if their discovery gives enlightenment
nourishment
fulfillment

But I can't hold on
can't hang on
feeling like I am breathing
toxic air
invading the deepest chamber of me
poisoning my well
from which I must drink
killing my desire,
tearing at my spirit
slowing my drive

With each incident, you point
and repeat
but your words land on my ears
invade my mind
stick to me like
undiluted glue
attracting more negativity, more pessimissm
more doubt

Somehow you
are becoming
my poision

Thick

Your love
So deep and thick
covering me
like
sweet molasses
honey
I luxuriate in its
richness
close my eyes as
each dribble
slowly pours
against my lips
runs down
to my chin

and you stare
watching your love
slowly spread
across the bare surface
of me


tasting the sweetness
enjoying the pureness
wondering about the
thick concentrated oneness
of your love

So Empty

This space
my space
feels so empty tonight
so lonely and strange
because I don't have you
can't find you

Ive lost to the
expectations of this world
the boundaries of defined love
pushing us out
labeling us unfit and underserving
unrealistic

So I let go
and sit here
in this space
so empty, so heavy
unable to syphon off a little peace
to rest my mind or
close my eyes
in every pregnant pause
there is you
us
we
I need you
to be complete
but I can't find you
anymore
you have faded away
left
bowed your head and
thrown in the towel
and my space
feels so empty

The Traitor

They called me a traitor
to my face
said that I sided with their men
the only girlfriend who
knew all the dirt and didn't tell

They said I had a duty
to warn them, forewarn them
sabotage their boyfriends
extracurricular love affairs
protect their stake and claim
bond with the girlfriends
for the sake of womanhood

I thought they were crazy

They were gettting dogged, no doubt
but I wasn't their boyfriends god and
none of those men had to answer me

additionally, none of the "girlfriend crew"
attempted to befriend me until
they realized I was tighter with their men
than they were
I was more trusted by their men
than they were and
I was faithful to my man who
gave loving right back to me

I nodded, listened, gave them the respect of being heard
then I walked away
and let them judge me, hate me
label me foul
I didn't owe them
anything

Free

I wanted him to say sorry
to beg and plead
for his daughter's redemption
he owed me, I deserved it

I finally went to see him
after so many years
But the sight of him
surprisingly shook me
I missed my daddy
this huge defining piece of me

And he was who he was
true to him, if no one else
unapologetic, understanding on a different level
a deeper zone
either I accepted him, or I moved on
simple
life hadn't apologized to him
hadn't restored him a chance at a true childhood
at young adult life without three tours of duty in Vietnam
no one had held his hand and
made it all better
kissed away the booboos

So he had been all he could be
the only person he knew how to be
a black man, used by his country
discarded soon after
street logic and survival
the only real code
how much room
did that leave a baby girl?

I had to accept it
understand it
swallow it
and complete me
the knowledge freeing me
in a more substantial way
than any apology ever could

Call Me Home

He was my best friend
that's the truth of it
even in the silence, all those dark years
that's why the door never completely closed
why, despite my devastation,
I still couldn't be without him

With only him
I revealed my soul
shared my heart
gave my mind
relinquished my entire body
discovered me new
stretched me thin
fell so so so hard
acted out so badly

With only him

He was my best friend
sewn into the intimate pattern of me
stitched into my
delicate fiber
my defined rhythm
making it impossible
to completely rinse him out
to successfully bleach away the
indelible stain
our love, our life, our intertwined existence
had manifested

He was my best friend
which is why
he could always
call me home

Wild

He was wild
just how I liked them
untrained and street submerged
a new transfer to my high school
the girls flirted and whispered
I simply smiled, keeping my secret to myself

I knew him from before
From middle school
from secret notes he slid in my locker
from scraps of paper he placed in my hand
from his touch, which sent shockwaves through me
but also terrified me
from his kisses, as each became more intimate
and each touch became more forbidden

But I was a good girl
in theory, in practice
I held him off, so he backed away
then
but there he stood
two years later, in my highschool
a foot taller
20 pounds broader
his eyes gleaming wilder than ever before

Classmates hung everywhere
girls watched him and giggled
He leaned against the wall
I walked slowly past
our eyes locked, my smile slightly hidden
his latest note
tucked safely into
the palm of my hand

I've Lost You

I need to hear you say it
confirm it
prove it
do you still love me

I doubt it
I no longer inspire you
to stare at me for
hours at a time
rubbing my cheek
caressing my leg
wondering out loud
how we got here and
who knew loving felt this good

You haven't whispered my name
held me close
called in the middle of the day
just to hear my voice
just to feel the thrill
of wild untamed love
so deep - overwhelming
so raw - inexplicable
what we had

We function on a schedule now
life feels so mundane
responsiblities have sapped our creativity
shifted our focus
sucked us out of the island of joy
that was you and I

I've lost you
to life
I know it
I feel it
I long to hear you say it
do you still love me?

The Toy

He was surprised
apparently
that he wasn't the only one
that I had no intentions of being bound
tied up and
tangled in
love with him

He seemed flabbergasted
when I suggested
we take some time
add in a little space
explore other options
seek out other things

He acted shocked
when I said
he wasn't enough
I expected more
needed more
I wasn't happy

But the gaping void in my soul
felt wider
when I was
in his presence
proving he wasn't
my sought after emotional bandaid
and since self examination
was too painful
another man
another lover
another toy
had to be the answer...

Emotions

Do emotions make me weak
confuse me, frustrate me
do they lessen me
ruin the person I want to be
invading me with doubt and
fear
second guessing and quesitoning
lonely and of no importance

Some days
I am plagued by
emotions
wanting to run from them
bag them up with
the painful memories
and free myself from their grasp

Am I the only one
caught in this tangled web
silently suffering while
trying to stay healthy
happy
wishing I could simply focus
on the light
simply cling to the belief that I can
exist normally
find saftey
and live easily
uncomplicated
free
released from the strangling bond
of emotion

Valentine's Day - My Words

My words
can seduce
enrapture and contain you
delight you
I can
pen you a secret message
to gently stroke your heart
massage your mind
stimulate your soul

These words
will drop from my lips
landing like morning dew
in the crevice of your spirit
tracing a lighted path
across your thighs
along your abs
against your perfectly low hips

My pen
will draft for you a poem
a perfect melody
our sensual harmony
humming guiltily in your ear
strumming softly on your chest
kissing your fingertips
caressing your lobes
making my desire for you
clear
sparkling and special
reminding you that
you got me
uniquely, and only for you
I will spin these words
my words
of love

No Small Miracle

There is no such thing
as a small miracle
as a minor work or
a miniscule blessing
an oxymoron, at best
a euphamism, at worse

How can a miracle be small
a blessing, any less than wondrous
a work, any less than brilliant

the spare change that
feeds a family
the act of kindness
that purges the soul
the kind stranger
who lends an unrequested hand
when no other help
was possible

that small breath
when you nearly suffocated
is a miracle
is a blessing
is a spiritual work
so huge, so monumental
so overwhelming, so victorious
how magnifiscent
how magnanimous
there is no such thing
as a small blessing

Kiss Konfusion

His kiss
tasted like chocolate
with a hint
of mint
light tingle
quivering against the
sides of my
inner cheek

Separating
We both looked around
I tried to still my heart
silence the loud pounding
of blood surging through my veins

Emotions, denied
reaction, ignored
Anger: why does it feel so right

He grabbed
I sighed

At some point we would
have to deal with
the kiss that
never should have happened

My Muse

I've missed you
my muse
Missed staring at your face
experiencing that thrill you bring
allowing my mind to expand
and explore
as I inhale
your wondrous sscent

I've missed you
my muse
your magnifiscent will brought
reems of inspiration
your determination mounted
racks of creativity

I've missed you
my muse
in your absence I've discovered you
uncovered how much you really mean
to me
realizing how I need you
enjoy you
love you
in that creative, kindred sort of way

I've missed you
my muse
I've missed you

Failure's Freedom

Wouldn't failure feel good
freeing
how easy it would be
to stop caring, to not give a damn
to inhale failure's delicious scent
lose myself in its formless freedom

If I failed, wouldn't mean that I had won
wouldn't it shatter all the boundaries
because I would have ignored them
refused to be defined by them
released me from the ridiculous expectations
unconcerned with being
a magnifiscent loser

But failures freedom
although euphoric, would only last a moment
before my self love kicked in
before my pride punished me
before my drive pushed me
painting my allowed failures shameful
reigning my loss on
my generation's seed

But sometimes I wish
I could care less
revel in failures' freedom
and thumb my nose at the world
but that just ain't me
it just
ain't me

Doubt

Doubt is crowding me
creeping along the edges of my mind
stretching its tenacle across me
Doubt is expanding within me
making me question
what I thought was right
was real
was certain
Turning my definites
into my maybes
my musts
into my possibles

I despise doubt
yet, I am not
strong enough to fight it
want to fight it
I doubt me
what I am about
who I am
what I can accomplish
why I should even try

It is fear,
this doubt
these quiet mumblings of defeat
it is simply fear, but it is controlling
numbing, blinding
deafening
this doubt
sometimes it is simply too much
this doubt