I Just Can't

Of course I think about him
during those quiet moments
when the soul can't evade the mind
and noise can't filter out old memories

and I worry
what life behind bars
does to him
to anyone
how he is affected and disconnected
how we are unattached and unaffiliated
how all it takes
is one call
or a letter
a simple postcard

to let him know I care
that he is on my mind
in my thoughts
stirring around my memory

But I can't
holding the pen over blank paper
I can't write and
holding the phone over
vast dial tone
I can't dial and
driving up to the penitentiary
I cant peel myself
from the car

I can't
I just can't

Its weird
or crazy
frustrating or psychotic
because I am not mad
don't regret and no longer resent
I just can't
the memories no longer torment
the absence no longer burns
but still
I can't

and I pray to God that one day I will
Find the strength to
disrupt this cocoon
tear through the malignant state
and be a daughter
despite all the things
my father never was
but right now
I just can't