Unfulfilled

Can't you tell
I miss you
don't I
feel dry, withdrawn
isn't my space less cozy
my air less vibrant
my muse less sensual

I didn't make the connection
until sandpaper poured from my pen
scratched across my surface
and presented itself
in another dry poem

You
I miss you
you have left me
moved on or perhaps
forgotten
but the raw energy
you inspire in me
causes my fingertips to quiver as
bountiful sensuality
oozes from my pen
stimulates my mind and
enthralls my being

But without you
without the simple sight of you
I have retreated to dry
boring and
unfulfilled
my spark is gone

Loose Lips

He loosely drops
a hundred words
a minute
letting them carelessly
flow
from his lips
without measure
restraint or thought
he talks to hear himself
impress himself
convince himself that the
timid little boy within has
finally been destroyed and
the braggadocio, older version of him
is better
stronger
more likable

But I used to love the boy
took comfort in his quiet
in his determination
in that unsteady confidence gained from
being alone and
knowing its alrite

Now I stand here
grimacing
looking for an exit
a polite way to disappear
and remove myself
from this man
this mirror of his former self
with loose lips
spewing a continuous stream of
nonsensical wordage
in an attempt
to deflect speculation
from himself

An Old Soul

An old soul
or a wizened spirit
either way
her knowledge runs deep
like the rivers of ancient lands
her eyes sweep over me
and determine my anguish
understand my pain
her hands gently stroke my arm
as she seeks to calm me
to sympathize with me
this ageless soul
residing in such
a petite body
a tiny frame

I look down
meet her eyes
and see me
the me I used to be
when I had hope
and truly understood love
before abandonment painted me
pessimistic
and death taught me
callous truth

she is beautiful
such an old soul
such a heavy spirit
my special daughter
infusing purity into
my whirlwind reality

I wonder if she is
my protector
my encourager
if He knew I needed a reason
to keep trudging
to keep trying
and delivered this beautiful gift
to keep me aware
alive
encouraged
inspired

If I Let You Go

If i let you go
will you come back to me
think on what we are
and long to have it near
hold me close
reminisce on romantic bliss
and seek creative ways to recreate
our passion
our lust
our love

Or, if i let you go
will you get caught up
ride the sway of the wind
following wherever it may lead
distracted by the fluttering of
every beautiful butterfly
every soft feminine scent
round firm touch
delicate luring promise

Do I really have you
Or are you just resting here
appeasing a permanent need
with the temporary seduction of me

What happens when i let you go?

Simply Sexin

Making
Love
Intimately
So different from
simply sexin
something you
never seemed to understand
but he got it right
the first time

That the act
could be so much more
Sensual
Seductive
Stimulating
Not just
obligatory kisses
expected gropes
before premature thrusts

What took us minutes
stretched into
thrilling hours
feather light strokes and
perfectly positioned massages
listening to my breathing
understanding the deep inhales and
responding perfectly to
the quick gasps
holding me close
eyes open
lips near
on
around...

teaching me a
never forgotten lesson
a cherished soulful experience
making love intimately
is so different
from simple sexin...
a lesson i am sure
you will never truly learn

The Gossip...

Its the gossip
Im sure of it
thats what is
bringing me down
slowing my vibe
making me feel lost
stranded
homeless and
clueless

Allergic to it
I have finally realized
as hate pours from others lips
and fills my ears
tickles my tongue
I initially savor it
taken in by its shock value
the delicious wrongness of it
feeling sinfully right

But inevitably
it fills my belly
like soggy bread
making me feel bloated
uncomfortable
disgusted and disappointed
for failing to maintain my diet
of nurturing speak
of verbal life and
word refreshment
instead of
poisoning my mind
my soul
my being
with all this
negative lingo

Its the gossip,
thats whats got me
sitting here reevaluating
and reacting
bowing my head
in shame

Free?

Who are we
and what have we become
is love transcending
stretching
growin us?
or testing, aggravataing
destroying us?

Does loving of you
mean the sacrifice
of me
the denial of me
the rejection of me

Does loving me
mean the change of you
the loss of you
the disrespect of you

Who are we
now
is this what
we wanted to become?
or is desertion
from this love
this relationship
this tiring, taxing thing
the only way
to truly be free

Hostage

She held me hostage
captive
two nights before
freedom
Trunks full and car packed
well wisher's presents
scattered about the house

She said no.
Simply no.

She would not take me
to college
did not care about my
new Home by the Sea
full tuition scholarship
be damned
I wasn't ready
she wasn't ready
and
I wasn't worthy anyway.

48 hours of tears
pleading and begging
her final choke hold
my last chance at salvation

finally, tears dried
I accepted my fate
I would never escape
would never enjoy that
long anticipated exhale

that's when he loaded my things
silently placed me in the car
and drove me away
from my captured cell

Without Shame

I bes that
pimps daughter
the Vietnam Vets seed
the culmination of
loves failed attempt to
restore the soul
of normalcy
desperately trying to recover
from reality

I bes that
good girls first born
but subsequently
her one and only
teaching and trying
struggling and praying
believing that
love was the
key to completeness
but heartache
ripped
a brand new chasm
falling into
depressions permanent despair

I bes that
raw mans sister
those street hustlers cousin
that gang bangers neice

the middle woman to
two separate worlds

my other peoples
my southern roots
all educated
all financially achieved
all politically correct
and socially tapped in

making me that
Delta's daughter
those many Que's neice
the Eastern Star Legacy
the Masonic Brothers relation

I bes that
all that I am
without shame

Must Be Still

Still
Be still
my spirit is vexed
nervous and frustrated
promises made
that I have yet to keep
good intentions roping me
past financial constraints and
marital obligations

I must be still
Still
I must be still

Worried about my seed and
the vast plain that is his future
the sun rising, gently
but harsh elements
motivated by envy and hate
swirl against him
seek to undermine him, sabotage him
destroy him on a
national playing field
to vindicate their own
insecurities
and I am scared for him

Still
I must be still
Still

My spirit requests it
counsels it
demands it
I must be still
and allow Him
to clear my path
and lead my way.

The Front Door

In seven months
despite livin
lovin
pleasurin
pleasin
workin and strivin

he hadn't kissed her

How could it be
that in seven months
he hadn't slowly wrapped his arms around her
tucked her safely within
his masculine haven
and rested his lips
gently against hers

In seven months
intimacy departed
sensuality vacated
relationship simply became
business as usual

Seven months

that's when her eyes
began to focus
on the front door...

The Gap

She missed him
adored him
but there were no more words
once he moved on
changed direction
found a new path

So easy, it seemed at first
she planned to say something
to try something
to make him chuckle, nod, embrace her
in his heart

but, as time passed
his chin grew firmer
neck seemed stiffer
eyes grew colder
he stared, without blinking
and she lost her nerve

the chasm between them
widened with silence

And she wouldn't do it
couldn't cross the narrow rotten bridge
winding across that spiritual gap
couldn't bring the words to her lips
to explain herself
to beg forgiveness
to let him know that
he was her future
and her love was rare enough
genuine enough
that he should take the chance

Although she longed
to touch him
be held by him
mean something, anything, to him

She simply stood there
bowing her head in defeat
listening to the deafening crack
of her spirit

Sacrifice?

Did I miss life
living too safe in the bubble
staying protected in the pocket
avoiding pain and humiliation
by avoiding
growth and adventure

Is it possible
that I hid to protect my heart,
heal my spirit
but instead I thwarted opportunity
shunned inquisitiveness
discouraged creativity

Did life pass me by
while I played it safe?
choosing the comfort of the shadows
instead of the brazenness of the spotlight
shrinking back
retreating from battle
when I should have
worn my crown
stood my ground
and fought this fight

Was I so shaken
by my troubled childhood
that I gave away my life
to cling to some semblance
of peace and quiet

The Fool

So, its by any means necessary?
by any throat slit
by any vein cut
you are draining us
deluding us
willing to destroy us all
if you can't have your way

Politics as usual

how dare you transform
an historic event
into a trial by fire
after they nailed you to the stake
crucified your marriage
raped your credibility
smeared your every accomplishment
against the vile canvas of hypocrisy

Now you want to
play hard ball

You've lost me
my loyalty seeping
down the drains of mistrust
disgust and deep seeded resentment
because I once believed in you
supported you
stood by you
and fought for you

Now you make me the fool
with every attempt to discredit
every false claim of religion
every veiled mention of race
every insinuation of inexperience
every announcement of plagiarism
every promotion of McCain
every attack on the man's life

You have now made me the fool,
Mr. and Mrs. Clinton,
for all those years
I believed in you

This Emotion

It was running away with me
this lust
this admiration
this thought of
me and you

It started to consume me
flooding my mind with
the softness of your lips
the pressure of your touch
the sensuous tone of your voice

It began to take over
causing me to blush
for no reason
sigh during random moments
giggle softly at
inappropriate times

It ran away from me
out of control
I rode this wave of emotions
spinning and bubbling
throbbing and vibing
allowing you to
have all of me

The Ugly Duckling

She would stare at the mirror
without blinking
sighing
frustrated
uttering words of hate
at the reflection glaring back at her

The lips just too big
the skin way too dark
"why did God make me this way
how can I go out like this"
her cries confused me

To me
she was simply lovely
but each day her words
chipped away at her beauty
distorted my minds eye
making full lips
a source of shame
high cheekbones
a source of pity
dark skin
a mask of pain

I listened
as self hate
oozed from her lips
like neverending venom
and, as I grew
my reflection
became so similar to hers
I barely glanced at the mirror
my heart broken by
the hideous creature
the unloveable monster
the fat, ugly duckling
that stared back at me

wondering why
God had made me this way
cursed me with this face
jinxed me with this skin...

Withdrawal

I'm running
Fleeing from you
from this
Escaping this
mental trap
of love twisted
unending adoration
lust covered
veiled infatuation

Im running

Stop chasing me
reappearing
reminding me
receiving me
swallowing me
drowning me

Im saying no
Im stopping and shouting
drawing the line in the sand
throwing the salt
over my shoulder
Claiming my escape
my release
salvaging whats left of me
in a desperate attempt
to withdraw
from you

Good Enough

What if
I'm not good enough
Not real enough
not found worthy enough
nor intellectual enough

What if the
vulnerability
deep within me
is split open and dug out
spread out and
examined
and determined
to be lacking
overrated and
disappointing

What if
I simply don't have it
despite all my energies
all my dreams
this deep seeded desire
this love of the written word

What if the gift
is only a light dusting of talent
a mere sprinkling of ingenius
what would I be then
could I swallow the
aching loss
the fractured belief
my splintered essence

Tell me
what if?

SImply Do You

Just do you
Be you
standing soundly on
what you are and
who you want to be

you are prepared
for this moment
for this challenge
designed for this
uniquely rare opportunity

Nothing occurs by accident
there is no happenstance
the turmoil and anguish
were purposely thrown your way
to test you
to strengthen you
to ready you
for this day

No pressure
No stress
Just breathe in
look around
enjoy it, remember it
recall the dream
revel in the excitement
recognize your platform
then
simply do you

Sorry

Im sorry
If I caused you confusion
If you wondered into my life
right at a turning point
a questionable junction

I'm sorry
if somehow I poured into you
something that was
too much
too deep
too heavy
for you to understand
for you to enjoy

I'm sorry
that I let my imagination
get the best of me
let my desires
run away with me
that I gave you a glimpse
of what a woman really is
or really can be

I'm sorry if
this encounter
maimed your spirit
or marked your soul
I hope, instead
that you found joy
in my simplicity
in my honesty
in my breaking apart
every little piece of me

Fiyah

It's the
turn of the head
the strut of a king
confidence oozing out of
every pour
brash and raw
that's what makes him
fiyah

Its the direct stare
with the hint of a smile
the sexy head nod
the perfected stance
lingering long enough
for sensual dreams to
unravel in your mind
thats what makes him
fiyah

It's not physical perfection
cuz that would make him
too pretty
too prissy
Naw, its
the flawed, the rough
the real, the true
whose eyes tell you
he can run the world
or at least rule your heart
if you let him
trust me,
you should let him
there's nothin like a taste of
fiyah

Understand

He refused to look at me
I was too young to understand
we were cool
friendly
but I had to speak first
reach out with a smile and a hug
or he
would stare over my head
pretend I didn't exist

I didn't understand

I quit
wanted to see
how long he could ignore me
how long he would look at me
when my head was turned
and walk away
when I faced him

But the days became weeks
became months became years
and my little boycott
turned into a
insurmountable canyon
of unspoken words
avoided eye contact
dismissed acknowledge

Now, years later
there is nothing to say
life moved on and
our time is past
Still, we stand here
watching each other
across the yard
still we don't speak
we don't blink
we don't cross that vat of
emptiness

Only now, do I really see you
do I finally understand
is it obvious that you
had feelings for me
thought of me
the irony is
I wanted you too
but neither of us
had the courage to say anything

Now, years later,
I finally understand

Everything?

We could be everything
you and I
we can have it
the dream
the idea
the belief
why can't we be it?

If you would just concentrate
on me, on us
instead of your dreams
instead of your hopes
then we can make it

If I simply dilute down
the best of me
the spark that makes me unique
to fit you
fit your idea
of wifely perfection

Then wouldn't we be perfect
with our shiny cars and
big house
lovely kids and
successful careers
wouldn't we be wonderful

If we both
figure out how
to drown out
the overwhelming stench
of disappointment
the unforgiving funk of
talent wasted
and silence the whispering cry
from deep within our souls
begging us to remember
our spiritual gifts
feed our starving souls
allow
our effervescence to bloom

Then, wouldn't we be perfect?

Despair

Lonely
the echo of my mind
reverberating
replaying regretful utterances
admissions
reflections
of loneliness

Bored
lingering so restless
without purpose
without focus
disseminating in all directions
convinced of
no internal purpose
boredom stirring the
depths of my being
rumbling my
spiritual anxiety

Losing will
drowning in
loneliness' despair

What Would You Say

What would you say
if I told you the truth
If I admitted that I avoid your eyes and
maintain my distance
because your being calls to me
loudly
uncontrollably

What would you say
If I admitted
my heart loudly pounds near you
my calm fades away around you
you inspire me to be
woman
insatiable woman
in every conceivable way

What would you say
if I told you the truth
that I enjoy staring at your profile
love to get lost in your smile
in the sea of depth
that flows in your eyes

That you already have me
you've won this battle
without even trying
the minutia of dignity I maintain
comes in pretending

pretending that laying eyes on you
doesn't ignite my imagination
doesn't create fantasy's overflow
doesn't begin a whirlwind of passion

I won't say it
if I did, there would be nothing left to say
don't you agree
Tell me
What would you say?

My Poison

Clinging desperately to the
obvious flaws
the blatant fouls
the ridiculous mistakes

Hanging on each blunder
as if they provide oxygen
as if their discovery gives enlightenment
nourishment
fulfillment

But I can't hold on
can't hang on
feeling like I am breathing
toxic air
invading the deepest chamber of me
poisoning my well
from which I must drink
killing my desire,
tearing at my spirit
slowing my drive

With each incident, you point
and repeat
but your words land on my ears
invade my mind
stick to me like
undiluted glue
attracting more negativity, more pessimissm
more doubt

Somehow you
are becoming
my poision

Thick

Your love
So deep and thick
covering me
like
sweet molasses
honey
I luxuriate in its
richness
close my eyes as
each dribble
slowly pours
against my lips
runs down
to my chin

and you stare
watching your love
slowly spread
across the bare surface
of me


tasting the sweetness
enjoying the pureness
wondering about the
thick concentrated oneness
of your love

So Empty

This space
my space
feels so empty tonight
so lonely and strange
because I don't have you
can't find you

Ive lost to the
expectations of this world
the boundaries of defined love
pushing us out
labeling us unfit and underserving
unrealistic

So I let go
and sit here
in this space
so empty, so heavy
unable to syphon off a little peace
to rest my mind or
close my eyes
in every pregnant pause
there is you
us
we
I need you
to be complete
but I can't find you
anymore
you have faded away
left
bowed your head and
thrown in the towel
and my space
feels so empty

The Traitor

They called me a traitor
to my face
said that I sided with their men
the only girlfriend who
knew all the dirt and didn't tell

They said I had a duty
to warn them, forewarn them
sabotage their boyfriends
extracurricular love affairs
protect their stake and claim
bond with the girlfriends
for the sake of womanhood

I thought they were crazy

They were gettting dogged, no doubt
but I wasn't their boyfriends god and
none of those men had to answer me

additionally, none of the "girlfriend crew"
attempted to befriend me until
they realized I was tighter with their men
than they were
I was more trusted by their men
than they were and
I was faithful to my man who
gave loving right back to me

I nodded, listened, gave them the respect of being heard
then I walked away
and let them judge me, hate me
label me foul
I didn't owe them
anything

Free

I wanted him to say sorry
to beg and plead
for his daughter's redemption
he owed me, I deserved it

I finally went to see him
after so many years
But the sight of him
surprisingly shook me
I missed my daddy
this huge defining piece of me

And he was who he was
true to him, if no one else
unapologetic, understanding on a different level
a deeper zone
either I accepted him, or I moved on
simple
life hadn't apologized to him
hadn't restored him a chance at a true childhood
at young adult life without three tours of duty in Vietnam
no one had held his hand and
made it all better
kissed away the booboos

So he had been all he could be
the only person he knew how to be
a black man, used by his country
discarded soon after
street logic and survival
the only real code
how much room
did that leave a baby girl?

I had to accept it
understand it
swallow it
and complete me
the knowledge freeing me
in a more substantial way
than any apology ever could

Call Me Home

He was my best friend
that's the truth of it
even in the silence, all those dark years
that's why the door never completely closed
why, despite my devastation,
I still couldn't be without him

With only him
I revealed my soul
shared my heart
gave my mind
relinquished my entire body
discovered me new
stretched me thin
fell so so so hard
acted out so badly

With only him

He was my best friend
sewn into the intimate pattern of me
stitched into my
delicate fiber
my defined rhythm
making it impossible
to completely rinse him out
to successfully bleach away the
indelible stain
our love, our life, our intertwined existence
had manifested

He was my best friend
which is why
he could always
call me home

Wild

He was wild
just how I liked them
untrained and street submerged
a new transfer to my high school
the girls flirted and whispered
I simply smiled, keeping my secret to myself

I knew him from before
From middle school
from secret notes he slid in my locker
from scraps of paper he placed in my hand
from his touch, which sent shockwaves through me
but also terrified me
from his kisses, as each became more intimate
and each touch became more forbidden

But I was a good girl
in theory, in practice
I held him off, so he backed away
then
but there he stood
two years later, in my highschool
a foot taller
20 pounds broader
his eyes gleaming wilder than ever before

Classmates hung everywhere
girls watched him and giggled
He leaned against the wall
I walked slowly past
our eyes locked, my smile slightly hidden
his latest note
tucked safely into
the palm of my hand

I've Lost You

I need to hear you say it
confirm it
prove it
do you still love me

I doubt it
I no longer inspire you
to stare at me for
hours at a time
rubbing my cheek
caressing my leg
wondering out loud
how we got here and
who knew loving felt this good

You haven't whispered my name
held me close
called in the middle of the day
just to hear my voice
just to feel the thrill
of wild untamed love
so deep - overwhelming
so raw - inexplicable
what we had

We function on a schedule now
life feels so mundane
responsiblities have sapped our creativity
shifted our focus
sucked us out of the island of joy
that was you and I

I've lost you
to life
I know it
I feel it
I long to hear you say it
do you still love me?

The Toy

He was surprised
apparently
that he wasn't the only one
that I had no intentions of being bound
tied up and
tangled in
love with him

He seemed flabbergasted
when I suggested
we take some time
add in a little space
explore other options
seek out other things

He acted shocked
when I said
he wasn't enough
I expected more
needed more
I wasn't happy

But the gaping void in my soul
felt wider
when I was
in his presence
proving he wasn't
my sought after emotional bandaid
and since self examination
was too painful
another man
another lover
another toy
had to be the answer...

Emotions

Do emotions make me weak
confuse me, frustrate me
do they lessen me
ruin the person I want to be
invading me with doubt and
fear
second guessing and quesitoning
lonely and of no importance

Some days
I am plagued by
emotions
wanting to run from them
bag them up with
the painful memories
and free myself from their grasp

Am I the only one
caught in this tangled web
silently suffering while
trying to stay healthy
happy
wishing I could simply focus
on the light
simply cling to the belief that I can
exist normally
find saftey
and live easily
uncomplicated
free
released from the strangling bond
of emotion

Valentine's Day - My Words

My words
can seduce
enrapture and contain you
delight you
I can
pen you a secret message
to gently stroke your heart
massage your mind
stimulate your soul

These words
will drop from my lips
landing like morning dew
in the crevice of your spirit
tracing a lighted path
across your thighs
along your abs
against your perfectly low hips

My pen
will draft for you a poem
a perfect melody
our sensual harmony
humming guiltily in your ear
strumming softly on your chest
kissing your fingertips
caressing your lobes
making my desire for you
clear
sparkling and special
reminding you that
you got me
uniquely, and only for you
I will spin these words
my words
of love

No Small Miracle

There is no such thing
as a small miracle
as a minor work or
a miniscule blessing
an oxymoron, at best
a euphamism, at worse

How can a miracle be small
a blessing, any less than wondrous
a work, any less than brilliant

the spare change that
feeds a family
the act of kindness
that purges the soul
the kind stranger
who lends an unrequested hand
when no other help
was possible

that small breath
when you nearly suffocated
is a miracle
is a blessing
is a spiritual work
so huge, so monumental
so overwhelming, so victorious
how magnifiscent
how magnanimous
there is no such thing
as a small blessing

Kiss Konfusion

His kiss
tasted like chocolate
with a hint
of mint
light tingle
quivering against the
sides of my
inner cheek

Separating
We both looked around
I tried to still my heart
silence the loud pounding
of blood surging through my veins

Emotions, denied
reaction, ignored
Anger: why does it feel so right

He grabbed
I sighed

At some point we would
have to deal with
the kiss that
never should have happened

My Muse

I've missed you
my muse
Missed staring at your face
experiencing that thrill you bring
allowing my mind to expand
and explore
as I inhale
your wondrous sscent

I've missed you
my muse
your magnifiscent will brought
reems of inspiration
your determination mounted
racks of creativity

I've missed you
my muse
in your absence I've discovered you
uncovered how much you really mean
to me
realizing how I need you
enjoy you
love you
in that creative, kindred sort of way

I've missed you
my muse
I've missed you

Failure's Freedom

Wouldn't failure feel good
freeing
how easy it would be
to stop caring, to not give a damn
to inhale failure's delicious scent
lose myself in its formless freedom

If I failed, wouldn't mean that I had won
wouldn't it shatter all the boundaries
because I would have ignored them
refused to be defined by them
released me from the ridiculous expectations
unconcerned with being
a magnifiscent loser

But failures freedom
although euphoric, would only last a moment
before my self love kicked in
before my pride punished me
before my drive pushed me
painting my allowed failures shameful
reigning my loss on
my generation's seed

But sometimes I wish
I could care less
revel in failures' freedom
and thumb my nose at the world
but that just ain't me
it just
ain't me

Doubt

Doubt is crowding me
creeping along the edges of my mind
stretching its tenacle across me
Doubt is expanding within me
making me question
what I thought was right
was real
was certain
Turning my definites
into my maybes
my musts
into my possibles

I despise doubt
yet, I am not
strong enough to fight it
want to fight it
I doubt me
what I am about
who I am
what I can accomplish
why I should even try

It is fear,
this doubt
these quiet mumblings of defeat
it is simply fear, but it is controlling
numbing, blinding
deafening
this doubt
sometimes it is simply too much
this doubt

Sensual Display

I tried to hug him and retreat
but, I got distracted
by his soft earlobe
resting gently by my lips
and he held on
longer than I anticipated
hugging me
closer than I expected

I didn't mind
I didn't care

So, my plans to retreat
were quickly devastated
as my lips slowly tasted
his earlobe
and my words
were whispered softly
only for him to hear
while his lips
brushed gently against my neck
his fingers
tightly gripped my body


Instead of separating
he nodded
to my simple request
shuddered at my
whispered word
smiled at what
I promised to do
joined me
for a sensual display

Looking Forward

Looking forward
wanting more
striving hard
pressing on

Trying to be
the ideal woman
want to be proud of me
want to be unashamed of me
need to know that my life
meant something
to somebody
need to know that my fight
was worth everything
in the end

I am looking forward
or upward
but never back
the future
will not
let me down

Need to Heal

I left you
for a little while
to find something new
to discover something better
to see if the world
would still open his hands
and allow me
to crawl in
if the ocean would
form a sea of protection
all around me

I left you
for a little while
because I needed something
of my own
a place undefiled and
uncontained
comfortable and cozy but
reflecting me
just for once

I left you
for a little while
becauseI needed to grow
to free my heart
and begin to heal

Scent

He inhaled
and smiled
grinned, then nodded
ever so slightly
my scent
pleased him

He held me close
whispered gently
that he loved
my smell
natural
perfumed
me

He enclosed me
in his arms
and inhaled deeply
I floated away
lost in the
plush cushion
of his adoration
lost in the
wonder of
the power
of scent

he inhaled
my scent
pleased him

Alone

Have you ever felt
unimportant
irrelevant
as if no one would notice
whether you had ever been here
whether you had ever existed
at all

Have you ever felt
uninspired
bored
the days dragging by in a
rythmless hum
course and dry
sad and alone

Sometimes
I feel so unimportant
irrelevant
my person too plain to
make the world see me
notice me
take interest in figuring
me out

And I wish
I had that sparkle
to draw in the inquisitive
attract the special and
inspire the talented

Sometimes, sometimes
I am all alone...

Inspire Me

I can be
everything you want me to be
whatever you need
how you need me
when you need me
where you need me
in the way you need me

I'll be that

at your request
I'll be everything
you want me to be
I can be that
I can do that
only for you
if you will just
inspire me...

Be Still

Something has happened
something has changed
something is distorted
somehow its manipulated
there is a shift, a difference
and things are not what they seem

But you are solid
tried and true
remember that
remember who you are
despite them, or because of them

Be still
and focus
Be still
and allow the vision to
come back into view
Be still
and see how the supernatural
reveals the truth
how your path will be lighted
how you will know
where to go and
what to do

don't be blinded be misplaced loyalty
don't be sidetracked by hurt feelings or
sideswiped by prides pathetic rant

just Be still
remember the dream
remember it, and hold true
the right move
will reveal itself to you

Private Promises

I lay my hands
flat
against your bare chest
my lips
brush softly
across your earlobe
I whisper
that it will be alright
that I want you
I need you

My hands
gently caress your neck
as you face me
my thumbs
along your hairline
my fingertips
grazing your throat
I don't move fast

I touch you slow

I have so much to tell you
to show you
to feel you
to learn you

I run my hands
along the ripple of your muscle
the strong rise
just over your hip bone
the wide expanse
of your beautiful chest
the gentle softnes
of your thick lips
I whisper in your ear
these private promises
of lust

Be Careful

It burns through
then it fades
the power of hate
it blazes so bright
so powerful
mesmerizing, like watching the
overture of fireworks
as confusion is stirred and
anguish is laid out
while someone is trying
to rectify a wrong
correct a mistake
lesson the intensity of
hate from your gaze

But, what if the person
no longer cares
that you hate them
the energy turns
changes
from something powerful to
something draining
pulling, eroding
while you claim hate
the person doesn't even
register your existence
and the emotion is somehow
reflected off them
and absorbed into your heart

Be careful with hate
cause you wield it as a
sharpened sword
and delight in its
pinpointed pain
but one day, no one will care
or try to soothe you or
appease you

and you will be alone
festering in your own hate

You Are

No more fights
I am battle weary
No more arguments
I am completely torn
No more silence
the quiet is killing me
No more neglect
my spirit is yearning nourishment

I need you to feed me
water me
give me warm
be my comforter
my lover
my deep dark quiet river
keeping me buoyant
afloat
be my air, an instinctive need
to take you in and
slowly release

No more uncertainty
I need substantial
No more indecision
I long for finality
You are my lifeline
my heartbeat
my soulclap
my thunder
my drumline

I need your warm

Bad Dreams

As a child
the images, the dreams
were so real
I would shiver, cry, scream
terrified
of a dream
only a dream

Life felt so uncertain then
a lightly balanced plank over a
deep dangerous precipice
I knew that I had to hold on
to win
to outlast my dream
if I were to open my eyes
and continue to be

I managed to stop them
to train my brain
to wake up, snap me out of
terrors realm
release me in
realities safety

But even now
I fight them
fight the dreams that
threaten to smother me
fight the images that
try to drown me
fight the despair
that seeks to overwhelm me

The Ugly Side

What I got
was a crocheted bag
after all the bickering
in fighting and degradation

As panic crawled up my spine
and released itself
in waterfalls down my face
costume jewelry and old clothes
picture albums and antique furniture
the sum of her near eighty years

and they fought
digging through the past
laying claim to what belonged to a family
to generation
with every fowl utterance
destroying memories and
desecrating love
disintegrating integrity
dehumanizing everything she was

I quietly returned the pictures
memorized her faint script and
redeposited her letters
removed the beloved pictures
and released any claim I had

I left with her crocheted bag
the only memento
of my grandmother's life

the only unwanted item
they allowed me.

The Reminder

a warning bell
a light sounding alarm
vibrated through my mind
as I watched him
watch her

I forgot
that he also had eyes
also had feelings
also had emotions
while my mind plays tricks
teases and flirts
languishes and lusts
he is still here,
but faced with so many...
options

She smiled at him
while I watched
he observed her flat stomach, her sculpted arms
a physique so similar
to my pre-mama one

but then, as i held my breathe
he looked away
his chin resolute
his eyes on
his children
my children
the recreation of us
splashing in the pool

I slowly exhaled
but that bell rang so sharply
reminding me
reminding me
to look at, to appreciate
what I have....

Walk Away?

What if I bit off
more than I can chew
Can I back out
say I quit
shrug my shoulders
shake my head
and start on a new path

What if life seemed
more simple than it has ever really been
Can I call time out
yell Freeze and
run for cover
can I spot Life these first 34 years
and try to recover with the rest

But that's just the problem
even if this is the wrong path
there is no guarantee of a future
all I have is a mark
a path
a record
of memories and past transactions
that is what ultimately defines who I am
and what I have done
so, if I don't develop that
take time to create or grow
the past nothing into something
then how can I possibly
walk away

Her Spinning Head

His words of affection
make her weak
breathless
speechless

he says she
reminds him of an angel
if only he knew the truth
if only he saw the visions
stretching themselves
along the screen of her mind
they all
include him
and angelic is the last word
used to describe them

She is determined to use restraint
for now
to bind her tongue and
stifle each moan
that collects in the back of her throat
when he holds her near
light touches her neck
sprinkles a kiss on her cheek
bestows a special smile
that lingers on his face
at the sight of her

He calls her an angel
but he knows
is intrigued
understands the magnitude of
her desire
fully comprehends that her spinning head
is the result of his
carefully orchestrated plan

Daddy Gap

This inner hole
I can't seem to fill it
cover it up or
block it
without the pain bubbling through
gurgling up
fizzing out every open pore
to my soul

You were worse
than absent
you were distant
cold
judgemental and
unbending
unblinking
your eyes searched my face
my body
listed out every flaw, systematically
Noting what I inherited
from them
pointing out every mistake
your mingled blood
created

I am you
yet you see no beauty in me
I am your daughter
yet I was worth nothing to you
I try to forget it
brush it off and wave it away
but the truth is
my self worth was
brushed away
piece by piece
demolished
particle by particle
during every forced encounter
with you

I Feel You

I feel you
its out there
waiting
watching
wondering whether I will
ever be bold enough
to step up
to lay claim

I feel you
your support
your energy
your strong hand
your solid frame
your inquistive mind
testing
responding
reaching out
solidifying
an idea, a desire

we are a match
so much alike
I need you
adore the
way you make me feel
the empowerment
your spirit provides
the strength your being
exudes
I feel you

Success

You remind me
of something unspeakable
inevitable
lonely
but driven
the pressure to perform
to uphold
to never disappoint
to always win

Its a burden
as much as it is a gift
there are rich rewards
but devastating costs
noone seems aware
of the price
of the heavy debt
excellence requires you pay

You remind me
of something
I carried, toted
on my back
in my heart
pushing and pushing
driving and crushing
when success is not just an option
but an expected outcome
and those all around demand it
yet remain oblivious to
the
real price
that only you pay

Mr. Smith

The little girl
knocked at the door
frazzled
burdened
her hair wild
her clothes mishapen
There was only so much
her little shoulders could carry
only so much
her strong mind could bear

He answered the door
overlooking her at first
but, glancing down, he read the
pain in her eyes
the hurt deep in her soul
he was the only one
who had any clue
who knew how much she suffered
who tried to ease her pain
without saying a word

20 years later
that little girl
sits here typing
remembering
admiring God's strategically placed angel
who offered comfort
when the world seemed so cold
who remained solid
when her own parents
ruptured the very ground
on which she stood

Even now,
20 years later
she remembers his smile
his dry humor
the comfort he offered
allowing her access
to the stability of his home
even now
20 years later
she thanks God that he
was in her life
even if only for a little while

One Mo Gain

I needed to see you
and you knew it
waited for it
confident that
I would come back
even for just a whiff
a light scent
a quick press
a lasting touch

I had to see you
look in your eyes
just one more time
see if
it was still there
if it was
as strong as it felt
as real as I
wanted it to be


I needed to see you
and you willingly
accommodated me
like you always do
always
in every little way
in every minute detail
in every unspoken way

I needed to see you
I have one more request
I know you won't deny me
you never do
just give me this
I need to get
lost in you
just
one mo gain...

Remain Quiet

afraid to say
i love you
afraid it might be
too little, too late
I have doubted it
every time it passed your lips
frowned my face
wondering how
wondering why
why would you
or anyone
love me

But I am ready
ready to believe me
loveable
ready to believe me worthy
ready to try to bestow upon you
an emotion
I barely have for me
can I love you
if I don't know how to love me

I am unsure
but I want to try
I want to say it
I want to utter those three words
that seems so easy
but feel like
stones passing through my
vocal chords
I love you
but, dammit
I just can't say it

i can't force it
maybe one day you will realize
but, then again, maybe you won't
either way
I just remain quiet.

The Perfect Christmas

The Perfect Christmas

The sunlight trickles
through the window shades
snow, so light
falling perfectly
a dizzying maze of
unique imprinted
icicles from heaven

you
here with me
complete
hugged tight
my eyes resting on the festival of lights
boldly flashing from our
tiny tabletop tree

The begining
the first one
the future laid out in front of us
like an immaculately spread, magnifiscently prepared
bountiful buffet
meager gifts ignored;
You have already taken all of me and
I received the most intimately hidden wonders

of you

we have forever
we have right now
we have shared dreams
we have everything
wrapped in each other's arms
watching heavens exquisite sprinkles
I close my eyes and
melt like those beautiful snowflakes
in the sincere warmth of your kiss

the perfect Christmas

I Owe You

I think I owe you
a little bit more
maybe not the truth
Im not ready to
go there yet
but more

My loyalty
for all you have been
to me
a beam of support
a strength through the night
your whispered tones
trailing a path
down my neck
along my
sides
tickling me so lightly
caressing so gently

My patience
for any perceived fault
ignoring any deserved slight
understanding that we
have dragged this thing on
without definition
and frustration makes us
reach out and
harm, hurt and maim
one another

My love
for the brilliant being
that dwells so humbly
within you
that you mask and cover
but allow me to
peep and
revel in your shine

I owe you something
a little bit more
not the truth
not yet
but certainly
every other bit
of me

Staring

Breathless
stunned and dazed
amazed
straddling your lap
sinking softly into your firmness
staring into your
light brown eyes
forehead pressed against yours
lips laid gently
upon yours
but not kissing
staring
with each rise
with each fall
staring
staring
staring
lost in this sea
your eyes
the wonder of your being

who is this person?
why does he inspire
beauty in me,
imagination and freedom
each whispered promise
singing like a gentle lullaby
soothing the crevices
of my soul
riding this ocean
slowly
so slowly
lifting and lowering with
each magnifiscent wave
my forehead against his
our eyes wide open, locked
united
lips touching, ever so softly
but parted, open
gasping
hypnotized
in love

do you remember?

The Truth

You want me to share you
but I don't want to
I am not ready to release
the fantasies of us
of the couple we could be
of the partnership we could have
of the lovin we could make
of the intimacies we could share

I am not ready
to relinquish all of that
to acknowledge this friendship
will never be romance
to announce to my heart
what my mind always suspected
I am nothin more
than your friend

Its selfish I know
immature, I admit
but the truth
is what it is
and I,
I am not ready
to let go

Avoidance

His eyes are on her
she can feel it
without looking
without confirming
becuase her heartbeat quickens
and her palms just got sweaty

He is watching her and
she is not sure why
it must be innocent,
his intentions
his wishes
although a million voltages
seem to pierce into her side
with each glance,
burning her mind
inflaming her imagination

She can't look back
not directly at him
she floats her eyes
over and around
under and beside
anything to avoid
his penetrating look
because the truth
is in her eyes
the wanting is drawn out
like a detailed portrait
and she can't control it
didn't ask for it
does not understand her primal response
her sexual magnetism
to his adoring stare


She looks everywhere
but not at him...

Soul Search

So tired of being alone
surrounded by people
but remaining companionless
interacting with so many
but being understood by
none

So tired of being alone
fighting back
empty, fending for myself
fighting for myself
defending my worth
my deserved love
trying to find a pocket in which
I finally fit
I am accepted
within which I can receive
unconditional love

Unconditional love
where he finds me delightful, just because
deserving, just because
irregardless of what things
I have done for him

Im tired
of the internal silence
invading my eardrums and
drowning out all other sound
while my soul searches
for its genuine mate

Im tired

She Took You Away

How did she
take you away from me?
tell me - i desperately need to know
Did she whisper in your ear
and affirm you masculine wonder
did she sprinkle you with affirmation
lightly oil you in excitement
in pure wonder
addicted to what you are
what you are capable of invoking?

Did she wield her pen
and scribe for you an intimate telling
a vision of the light that
shines in her innermost cavern,
of the candle you lit deep
deep, so deep within
by your unique scent
your pressured fingertips, and
the light tickle
from the tip of your perfect tongue?

Did she sing you a song
of lust
that out strummed my rhythm?
Did she dance for you
a sensuos overture that made you forget
how you made me sway
swing, dip, shake and vibrate
bellydancing my unique expression
for you?
Did she sit at the piano
stroking the melody that
your bountiful manness
automatically inspires
overplaying the many tunes
which poured from my hands?

Dont turn your back on me.
pleez, tell me
how did she
take you away from me?

Ole Me

Felt alluring
sexy
mischievous and
adventurous
enjoying flirting
light hearted teasing
seeing your response and
your intense reaction

but then
I spotted my reflection
and my facade
came tumbling down
instead of the
temptress
the femme fatale
I wanted to be
I spotted
plain ole brown me
just me

the energy drained out of me
the confidence seeped away
my insecurities weighed
like a brick
around my throat
I became
embarrassed, humiliated
I fell quiet
while you watched me, confused

But what had I been thinking
how had I fooled myself
how had I forgotten the basic truth
who would want
the plain brown ordinary
ole me

What If

What if
I have always loved you
really
What if
our first meeting
was destiny
a divine plan
a universal intervention

What if
we were supposed to
always know each other
be here for each other

What if
we messed it up
when you chose her
and I chose him
what if the choosing
swung us away from
what our fate had
already determined
aligning us only
in a friendship
in a supportship
instead of
a lifeship

Tell me the truth
Haven't you ever wondered
what if?

The Departing

I knew
it was the last time
I would see his face
my heart hurt
becuase there was
nothing I could do
no way I could
stop time
turn back fate
and make it different

My blessed grandfather
cried when he saw me
tears poured down his face
as I hugged him tight
I needed to see him
My soul told me to go
to make it happen
but I didn't realize
until the morning of my
return flight home
that I would
never see him
alive
again

I just knew
as he stood in the carport
and waved at me
blew kisses
his smooth dark face
wet with tears
a sudden fear
realization claimed my sense
clenched my insides
the desperate need to
vomit
overtook my brain
I couldn't stop the car
I couldn't turn back time
I didn't know the time or the date
but my soul
felt like a stone
dropping to the very pit of me

I never saw him
alive
again

Just Because

Just because
you haven't seen me latelty
doesn't mean
I haven't thought of you
wished you well
wondered about you
hoped the best for you

Just because I haven't
had time to cross your path
doesn't mean
I'm not still
amazed by you
so impressed by you
encouraging you
inspired by you

Just because you haven't
seen my face
met my eyes
heard my voice
doesn't mean
that the caring is
any less intense
the longing
any less real
the desire
any less acute

Just because our life's path
hasn't crossed again
doesn't mean I
don't hold you dear
hold you near

Just because...

Forever

The truth is
I want to make love to you

I want to wrap my arms
around you
I want to kiss you deeply
passionately
make the roof of your mouth
tingle

The truth is
I want to learn you
learn what you like
love
what makes you lose control
what makes you stare at me
watch me
with a mystified expression
as you feel new sensations
and learn love
on a deeper level

The truth is
I want to make love to you
to physically express all these emotions
that you stir up within me
until you shudder with delight
until you feel as special
as wanted
as adored
as loved
as you make me feel

The truth is
I could go on and on
forever

In Love

I think I
love you
as impossible as it sounds
as unlikely as
it may be
as simple as the concept is
it has confused every
aspect of me

This burning breathless
sensation
doesn't feel good
needing to see you
doesn't feel pleasant
I feel lik I am
running out of breath
water is rising rising
soon to cover my head
and drown me in the
thoughts of you

You got me panicked
not sure if you will stay
not wanting you to go
can't lay claim
can't figure out why

I, I think I am
in love with you
but I don't like
the feel of love
the aftertaste
clings to me
uncomfortable, this fit is
too tight
to uncertain and I am
entirely too
vulnerable

Run Away

I always retreat, huh?
when this becomes too close
too real
too open
me wide
that's when its time
for me to withdraw

You do it too
don't act like you don't
a deep conversation
a whispered reality
my dreams and fantasies
a forbidden visit
hours we will share
then, you
don't return a phone call
an email
a text
and we remain on mute
for months at a time

I retreat
You withdraw
we collide
by fate, by coincidence
another phone call
another conversation
another uniting
another blissful encounter
and we both run away
we both run away

Tore It Up

I wrote you a love letter
from the deepest regions of my heart
My pen bled my hidden secrets
how much I've loved you
for so long

But I tore it up.

I wrote you a truth
a simple truth
and in the writing I discovered
that you have always been a part of me
that we have always had a safe space
a special boundary
but I have always wanted more

I never realized it
until I read
my own writing
and
accepting reality
I tore it up.

I tore it up
because we have never
come close
and I will never be bold enough
to tell the truth
brave enough
to say what I feel
no matter how you will respond
making me weak
spineless
and leaving me with
nothing more
than tiny shreds of paper

I wrote the truth
but I tore it up.

Molten Lava

Like molten lava
deep ebony chocolate
surging smoothness of
definte perfected proportions
I finally really see you

speechless
wordless
my brain ceases communication
terminates background noise
cingularly directed
magnetized and focused

Like carmelized sugar
deeply enriched honey
a slight taste
overwhelms the sense
raising the pressure and igniting fantasies
leaving me longing
wishing
wanting for
another chance with you
another chance with
molten chocolate lava
burning a deep path
across my being...

Beautiful Soul

In the wee hours of the night
I see your eyes
watching
wanting
wishing
remembering
I am captivated
wishing I could read
the unspoken words
the untraced thoughts
the silent meaning
the havy longing

In the wee hours of the night
I feel you watching
I crack my lids
to silently meet you
reveal the mirrored emotion
stare into the windows
of your beautiful soul

Your Fingertips

Your fingertips
rested gently
against my lips
and the words
no longer needed to escape
your eyes
let me know
that you understood
my heart let me know
that you were the one
your fingertips
rested gently
against my lips...

Slow Down

It's happening too fast
this whirlwind of
excitement
this sudden avalanche
of emotion

where is my control

Don't you think
we are rushing things a bit
you were willing to wait
while I was special, but
now it is all we do
all we talk about
all each encounter is about

I feel my fascination with you
quickly fading
if this is all you have to add
to my life
there is so much more
so much more
than just this
there is so much more
so much more
that even this could be
if we take time
and learn each other
pay attention to each other
study each other

Let's slow down
I think we are worth it...

Repost: Tshirt and Sweatpants

***I am reposting one of my favorite writes - my inner bad girl enjoys this one***

He wore
tshirt and sweat pants
she watched while he
stood mellow and cool
the precision cut physique of beauty
covered
hidden
by
tshirt and sweat pants

Yet, she became warm
staring at the loose waist of those pants
knowing easy access required little effort
and realizing that the chiseled hip bone
was a simply an arms length away
the tight flat ridge of abdominal muscles
a mere brush of her hand a few inches higher
the tshirt laying perfectly about
broad shoulders
between which she fit
just right

Licking her lips she
pulled her eye away
lowered her head and
attempted to focus on all things that
would release the pressure steadily rising
causing a natural throbbing
at her womanly temple
simply by observing him
chillin
in tshirt and sweatpants

Wanting More

How could I ask
for anymore
than what he has
already given me

How could I yearn
for the unknown
when he has spread
miles of dreams
at my doorstep
years of hopes
within my seed

How could I long
for a simple illicit touch
a dangerous rendezvous
a delectable first kiss
when he has offered me his soul
his heart
his love
unconditionally

How could I crave
the one I can't have
while completely disinterested
in the one who wants me

How could I,
but isn't that
how it always is?

Reinvent Me

Remember when I wanted to
reinvent me
wishing God had
made me pretty
in that normal kinda way
made me special in that
easily recognizable way

wanted to be cheerleader cute
but, that just wasn't me
wanted to be suave girl fly
but never had the resources
or the permission
wished for
lighter skin
a thinner nose
straighter hair
wider hips
narrower torso
luscious curves
perfect lips
etc...etc...

But, in the end
i still had me
and no matter what
i still saw me
after time, patience
self examining and calm realization
the me I saw
didn't seem so bad
after all

Mr. Bethea

Your essence
is drenched across each page
As I study the notes
I recall the decade of lessons
you teaching me to
read music
feel music
understand music
the dignified respect of
gracing the piano

And now, years later
years after your funeral
years after the innocent me
was forced to mature
I open those books
the same books
with your careful script
your concise direction
I can hear your slight cough
your perfected reprimand

Now, as I teach my daughters
the hidden secret in music
its beautiful continuity
its unconditional acceptance
its melodic poetry
I hear your voice
and remember your way
your encouragement
I realize that I never told you
how much I adored you
how much I admired you
how much I held you in awe

through your notes, your script
your constant demand for perfection
through your lessons of music and life
I remember you and
your legacy certainly
lives on

Love Me

Love Me

It's dark
and I am all alone
wanting
yearning
needing
to connect with you

It's dark
and you are gone
hoping
wishing
needing
to stay far away from me

You said
my love
suffocates
expects
depends
encompasses and then
traps

You said
you needed space
peace
quiet
to think
of a reason
any reason
to stay with me

It's dark
and in the shadows
I search my mind
recall my flaws
over and over again
I am so embarassed
I am so alone
I want you to love me
as much
as I love you

This is the time

We told our son
to enjoy his youth
his life
live responsible
but free

Current girlfriends
will probably not be future wives
so current relationships
should not feel like obligatory binds
rather they must be
mutual friendships and united interaction
with girls who
have their own plans,dreams, expectations and goals

It is a time
to learn yourself
your likes, wants and desires
your needs
It is a time
to learn about others
interacting, discussing, encouraging
discovering how to be
a true and loyal friend
It is a time
to learn about women
the many personalities
the sane and the crazy
the wild and the robust
the ones who are keepers
and the ones who are not
learning to decipher the distance
and examine beyond the
beautiful physique
to identify
rare gold

Maybe he wants
a deep relationship
maybe he seeks
a solid companion
maybe monogamy is
his much needed stabilizer
but, maybe not

We told our son
that this is the time
to learn
to love
to live
to live
to live...

Perfect Hugs

He gives
the most perfect hugs

almost inexplicable
how the world
fades away
and a steady comforting
encompasses you
enclosed in his arms like
a dense fortress
his chest
pressed tight against you
leaving no doubt
that he is copping a feel
ironic because his body
is so perfect
and little does he know
you are getting a thrill
right back

built like an adonis
there is always
a whispered word
a slight groan
a muttered breath
layed gently in your ear
as you remain press fitted into
his perfect little world
if his hugs feel this good
then anything more is
unimaginable
xrated
and tantrically blissful

i'm telling you
he gives the most perfect hugs...

Only Friends?

My friend
my homeboy
whom I shared
all my secrets with
who told me
all of his
elicit escapades
we were bonded
on the strength of friends

Then, over lunch
he made the proposition
were we mature enough
strong enough
solid enough
to do a little bit more
even though we were friends

and we could still
keep it friendly like
finding physical comfort
in each other
without stretching the mental component
past friendship

Because we knew each other
so well
knew things about the other
that even our partners
could never know
so how could we not
please one another
not benefit from
sex without obligation
and remain friends

I thought on it
we both did
but in the end
we digressed because
our union would
only create pain
for so many others
in our world

we both knew
that once we joined
there was no way
we would remain only friends

His Kiss

His lips

I want the dream to
go past his lips
hoping the fantasy
will show me more
delve further along
the strong jaw line
the wide thick neck
the broad shoulders and
the carved torso

But the fantasy ends
at his lips
repeatedly
thats where I linger
where my mind finds fascination
where I can feel the softness of his touch
the warmth of his breath
the searching of his tongue
the euphoria of my mind
turning a simple kiss
into the most intoxicating experience
into the most sensual expression
leaving me wanting
nothing more
than
his kiss

Pressure

Doesn't pressure make you
learn things about yourself
that you never before knew

I didn't know that
I could be alone
without a man
if I had to
I could survive
not only survive but
actually be content
despite lonely nights

I didn't know that
I had other options
other potentials
others offering support
financial
emotional
physical

I didn't know that
me myself and I
provided fine company
entertaining amusement
creative inspiration

the things I learned
on my own
a woman changed
expanded outside the box
becuase of life's changes
cruel ultimatums
and strong internal will

pressure crushed my circumstance
destroyed my world
but reformed me
into something so much better
so much more pure
more than I ever thought I could be

The Believer

It is a rare opportunity
to go for a dream
to risk it all
to pursue what is in your heart

Most people quit
search for an excuse
a reason
an alternative
to give up

Because success is hard
painful
long and exhausting
life, by its very nature
is designed with
booby traps and stumbling blocks
to dishearten the spirit and
smash dreams

But you, you are perservering
believing
continuing and pushing
toward that dream
that goal
that belief
despite what you have given up
despite what you have had to go through
despite what life has dealt
despite hate envious souls have flung your way
and I
I am so very proud of you

Eight Years Old

"you stupid bitch"
the woman uttered
the evil words
whipping across eight year old ears
tears
pouring down her young face
as she grasped her homework
and hoped if she remained quiet
she could ride out another storm

"i hate your stupid self"
a mother said
and a daughter
internalized it
already knowing she was worthless
her father had long ago proven that

but now her mother
in a routine vent
imprinted it on her brain
her tears staining the math work
her heart unraveling into shreds
because now she finally understood
her mother's anger
was justified
and was all her fault
since she was nothing more
than a stupid bitch

Share Memories

What do you do
when your memories
cause so much daily pain
when, after tears and prayer
the enormity still presses
against your chest
eliminating
your ability to breathe

when revealing the truth
will embarrass the perpetrator
but keeping it concealed
will only harm you
and sharing your experience
may give hope
to so many others
who also suffer
silently

what do you do?

Simply Inspirational

Inspiration
I find you inspiring
amazing
driven
focused
sure
definite
solidly enhancing

inspiration
you are my inspiration
without agenda
or ulterior motive
no obligation
or awkward appeal
no malintent
or untoward purpose
I simply find you inspiring
simply inspirational

Ethiopian God

My hair wasn't done
sweat suited up
running through the rain
lookin rough
Paid for the gas already
but wanted some Bubbleyum

Yeah, I still chew Bubbleyum

Mulled over the flavors
decided on watermelon, of course
threw the dollar on the tray
under the thick glass plating
looking up for the first time

He was an Ethiopian God
stunned I glanced back down
avoiding his eyes
cuz mine always give me away
he smiled
held my change with his fingertips
instead of throwing it into the tray
I smiled in response
while he laid the money in my hand
met his eyes again
we both chuckled
both playin this flirting game
I lost though, looking away first
his eyes contained rivers of possibilities
so I only glanced back once
enjoying the warm feeling of attraction
in the pit of my stomach

amazed, cuz it never fails,
that I seem to get
more male attention
when I think I am
looking my worst..

A Choice

Listen carefully
peace is a decision
contentment takes effort
choosing to be happy
must be the only choice

I will savor each moment
that I am in
regardless of
my circumstance
I will participate in my life
and in others
I refuse to miss
any more firsts, lasts or
once in a lifetimes

It took years
but I found a measure of peace
a span of contentment
an inner joy
and I have promised
to hold into it
no matter what

The Hickey

"A hickey"
she pointed at my neck
I shook my head no
trying to remember when
but adamently denying it
"Yeah, I noticed it too"
another one chimed in
embarassment flooding my face
cause I'm in my early thirties
walking around with
passion marks on my neck
sportin collarless shirts
clueless
wondering how long I'd had it
who all had seen it
how big was it and
and how much evidence
of my sex life
had I unknowingly exposed
to my small world

Glad Its Over

With a busted lip
a tired spirit
an aching body
a hurting soul

my son came home

after breathing football
bleeding sport
ravaging yardage and
splaying out talents
passing
receiving
tackling
blocking
defending
running
diving
intercepting

three stitches
the bloodied lip
an aching hip
sore legs
championship dreams
once again demolished
playoff pursuits
coming to an end

must admit
i am glad it is over
glad that he will no longer
give all that he has
to a program that thinks him minimal
undermines him in both the media and to future coaches
thinks nothing of his sacrifice
of his education beyond this level
of the lifelong dreams residing deep inside
of his love of the game
of his loyalty
of his ability

So, I am sorry for the loss
sorry for his busted lip
sorry for his teammates tears

But I am glad its over....

Understanding

Learned my lesson
I guess
saw another side
a different view point
an alternative glance
when he met my eyes

this man that I
purposed in my heart
to hate

But he studied me
with measured carefulness
his eyes inquiring
how two people
could be so similar
and have common goals
but adamantly deny
the possibility of working together

I learned my lesson
when my anger dissipated
dissolved
disintegrated
leaving shames residue
leaving understandings patience
I cannot judge
I wouldn't walk a mile in his shoes
Don't envy his position
so glad I don't have to make his decisions

and who am I
to judge, anyway