Sleeping with the enemy

Whether in the same house
same room or
same bed
I have slept with the enemy
all my life

Lying on my side,
facing the door
keeping one eye open for
hallway light to cast that shadow
forewarn me of her imminent entry
through kicked door
my hand resting lightly on the
knife that permanently resided under pillow
through adolescent and teen years

Something always kept her back
insults and hate shouted at me
accusations more appropriate for a mate
or spouse
tossed my way
floated across air, messing up my head
but something, something
kept her from crossing that threshold and
laying hands on me
shaking and hitting, making me feel helpless
hopeless
like before I sought solution
in a weapon

I eventually escaped
able to finally sleep, rest
fully relax, my bedroom no longer
a fortress or stronghold for my
last stand and safety
and then you,
you brought peace and comfort
entered my tiny valley and poured in sunlight

Until life inevitably tested you
changed the variables forcing
growth and maturity
difficulty and indecision
Then I became the fault, the blame
the reason for failed ideas and broken dreams
despite the other obvious variables that
you still refuse to consider

So now I am back
to facing the door while
lying on one side
knife within easy reach, just in case
ensuring my protection
guarding my life for just one more day
through one more night
because I am once again
sleeping with the enemy