Forgiveness' Throne

Where is forgiveness
and why does he elude me
avoid me
try me with hopes of peace and
possible redemption, insinuating a resolution
for long desired completeness

Like a wild horse he
bucks me, throws me
I grasp with both hands,
desperately throttled and thrown
while forgiveness seeks to dethrone and deflate
challenging me for daring to rein him in
daring to tame him
foolishly trying to contain him

But I need forgiveness
on bended knee, I plead for him
cause he has giving me a taste, a hit
like the drug of a fiend
I want more, need more
can't bare the thought of life without him
willing to turn over every stone until
he is found
fight ever battle, until I die or
he succumbs

So many times I think I have him
sealed and suctioned
lured and steady and
knowing how to manipulate him
I attempt to ride him to my kingdom and
boast of my greatness because of him

But the truth is
forgiveness resides around my heart,
but not quite within it, and
try as I might
somethings he simply has not given me
the key to accept nor
the plan to move on
the ability to swallow without responding
to recall without judging
so, for right now
while I desperately need what he chooses to keep
I am at his command