To See You

I wanted to see you
today
wanted to rest my eyes on you
and feel my heart
skip a beat
my mind go suddenly blank
my breath intake sharply
my smile light up my face

I wanted to see you
although
there was no real time when
no real place where
no real situation how

But I wanted to see you
to steal the tiny pleasure
of basking in you
even when you are not aware
just because you crossed my mind
and your intensity
enriches my soul

I wanted to see you and
there can't possibly
be any harm
in the wanting...

No Pain

Maybe, its just a test
to learn your reaction
anticipate your sensitivity
determine your boiling point
locate your weak link

Its an induction
a painful passing through fire
to purify you
purge past thinking and
complete independence
reconstruct reliance on the unit
fluid motion of the whole

So, take each little comment
tongue in cheek
every minor criticism
worth a grain of salt
remembering that
your entry was wanted
hoped for, longed for
future dreams rest
between the palm of your hands

uttered words
are not meant
to cause you pain
rather to learn you
improve you
take you to
another plateau

Hiding From Negativity

I can't take on your
negativity
can't incorporate your
bitterness
into my soul
can't answer for the
many gifts or blessings
you seem to believe
I receive
or justify the emptiness
resting at the mouth of
your valley


There has been a lifetime of pain
a gaping chasm
in each brick of my
foundation
now the holes are being filled
each miraculous blessing
a caulk along the
cracked seam
a reward for faithfully
focusing on Him

So I can't turn sideways
and lay witness to your hate
provide vindication for your
cruelty
turn blind eye to your
callousness
I can't take on
your negativity

Will Not Scream

I will not scream
and I won't cry
damn sure can't yell

I don't have the energy
nor the where-with-all
to act a fool
give you the grand production
the verification you seek
the determination of how far I will go
or how sprung I really am

I won't say a word
as she rises from my sheets
and you wrap towel
around your waist
waiting, shifting
eyes watching
hoping that I break down
engage you in battle
create the confusion necessary
for you to spin this around and
somehow point the finger
at me

No, I won't scream
won't chase her or curse you
silence is my deadliest weapon
and to you
I have nothing more to say

Explore

Are you willing to
explore with me
quiet down reason and
logical explanation
and discover with me

I am able
wanting to try
longing to risk
desiring to step on the border
teeter totter on the brink
for the mere opportunity
the thrill
the illogical rush that
invades my brain
overtakes my being
reaching and longing
for a unique fulfillment
the missing peice
to this puzzle
for adventure of you

are you willing
to explore with me?

The Moon Kissed Me

The moon kissed me
and told me to
go to sleep
The moon kissed me
and the sky wrapped around me
comforting, hugging
as my name whispered over and over again
stretched across the vast canvas
riding on the tail
of a shooting star

But the moon kissed me
the lunar eclipse of my soul
smothered darkness in that second
in that moment
a brilliant explosion of
pure magnificence
surged from within
as I felt him
arms wrapped around my torso
legs intertwined from behind
held, during this elliptical ride
during this celestial spree
when he kissed me

Splintered Soul

He doesn't love me anymore

That's not what he said
but, it's what I heard
His mouth said that
he couldn't stay here
couldn't stand to be here, with me
another second
I was driving him crazy
making him feel breathless
this wasn't the life he signed on for
not the responsibilities he wanted

Actually, he said
I had ruined his dreams
caused him to throw away his future
he'd wasted all his time
running in behind me

and I sat there stumped
because my future was shattered
balled up and discarded
trying to be the wind
beneath his wings

So that is it
and for all the years
the time and the tears
the effort and the love
the fortitude and encouragement
for all the swallowed disappointments
I get nothing
but blame and resentment
and the splintering
of my soul

Struggle

I watched your lips
while you talked
I couldn't help myself
your words fell on deaf ears
while I imagined the taste of those
luscious lips
the length of that
pure tongue
the heat of
your moist breathe
my eyes remained
locked on your lips

You spoke
I blinked
you smiled
I squinted
you continued to talk
I bit my own lip
felt my heart race and
my temperature rise but
I missed all the conversational cues
even skipped over being embarrassed
lost in the thought
of those lips
that mouth
those eyes
your hands
low waist
thick legs
look up, look up
focus, girl please, focus
just keep your eyes
above the neck

So I watched your lips
while you talked
engaged in a conversation
all my own...

Gain Back Me

I think we should
take a break
No, really
I am serious

I think I have had enough and
you don't seem to understand
we are missing each other
screaming and shouting
but no communicating
two straight arrows
floating parallel
intersecting with nothing
only piercing thin air

Aren't your tired?
cuz my soul is aching
I need some space
I want to learn how to
breathe again
laugh again
think about absolutely nothing
again

Instead of being consumed by
this pain.
Yes. You cause me pain
You can shout at me
it changes nothing
I will take the blame
I will be the bitch, if that's how you
have to put it
I'll be that
I'll be whatever I have to be
to buy back peace
to gain back me...

Transform

My first crush
was my best friends cousin
well, the first crush I acted on
the first time I moved forward
He would pick us up and
drop us off
all me efforts to look cute
were for those
15 minute rides

He didn't get it
cuz, to his credit,
he only saw a child
while he focused on women
I purposely bumped against his arm
rubbed against his back
dropped anything I could
to lean over and catch his eye

so pathetic!!
and we laughed,
but I still tried
until other boys caught my attention
became the target of my desire
and I forgot all about
my first crush

Years later
sittin in the Chicken Coop
waiting for my wings
he and his boys pulled up
with that weed inspired hunger
I thought I was grown then,
driving and switching

he walked in, ordered
surveyed his surroundings
spotted me

With a wink of the eye
a sly smile
extended arms and
much street vibe
I became that silly little girl again
shy but wanting
wrapped in a loose hug
accepting a warm kiss
watching his subtle reaction
as I transformed
from baby to woman
before his very eyes....

Worthy?

In the dream
you said you loved me
you did
I swear
and dreams can be real
they can forecast the future
they can predict what's to come

can't they?
so you must
you must love me and
just don't know it
haven't figured it out
unable to realize that
I am your destiny

How long will you take
and what is wrong with me
if I actually wait
why is your love
the defining force
that will convince
this air is worth breathing
my being is worth observing
that a beauty exists in me
that, after all, I am possibly
worthy

She Had You

I know now
she just verified it
made sure to look
deep in my eyes
make her meaning clear

she had you
enjoyed you
helped herself to a
nice sized portion
of the man I thought
was only mine

her eyes have laid claim
letting me know
that it will continue
she is open
for your every entry
available, at your
beck and call

and what can I do
how am I to stop this
there is nothing for me to say
nowhere for me to go

while my heart bleeds
and my pride evaporates
I stand here stuck
plastic smile masking devastating pain
embarrassment pouring over me
like boiling water
anger erupting deep in my pit
disgusted that you would
do this to me again

she had you.

Memory Pocket

All these years
and you still remember
I find it incredible
unthinkable
the unmentionable
still lingers on your tongue
with a light smile and
bright eyes
the deeper meaning
still clear
still there

After all these years
and you still remember
although life has
changed us
molded and manipulated us
between all your relationships
and new love
within your new life
you left a space in your heart
for me
a pocket in your mind
to fold in our memory

Adorable
loving
after all these years
we can pick up
right where we
left off
never missing a beat
as we
reseal this phenomenal
connection
and turn past memory
into present reality

For Real

This love affair
was supposed to produce
comfort
like a cozy down blanket of
peace
like the smell of of rain
lingering on the cool winds

This experience
was supposed to give me a glimpse
into another type of love
another sort of experience
another opportunity to reclaim me
and indulge me

Instead, this thing turned into
something wild
out of control
sizzling and smoking
leaving us both
burnt and singed

And this thing
is so painful
rendering me unable to breath
to think
frantic of what you might do
who you might tell
how you might respond
because you didn't understand

that for me
this thing
was never meant to be
real

Use This Time

I thought I could rule the world
didn't know I was the wrong color
the wrong gender
don't misunderstand
I still tried
Fearless, I immersed myself
in this male dominated game
only to discover that
morals and scruples
didn't belong
painting me
young and dumb
and an easy target

I foolishly thought
I could be somebody
make a difference
leave a definitive mark
didn't know that short money
made survival the most important thing
leaving philanthropic efforts
and lofty dreams
something to achieve
later, if at all

I didn't realize
how quickly time escapes us
forever marching forward
not giving us a break, a second chance
a momentary rewind
and I missed my exit
slid right past my entry point
ran just beyond that narrow strip
that led to my oasis

So please, please
make use of this time
of now
live in it
enjoy it
harness it and
control it
Utilize this time
and your future
won't mirror
my past

Cost of You

I lost friends
because I wouldn't walk away
wouldn't give up on you
refused to label you a dog
fought to see you clear

I lost people
who were gently in my world
until they saw my life
from the inside out
the long days and nights of loneliness
and no interaction
while you barely spoke
lost in your own melodic world
the weeks and months
with barely a kiss
my dreams of lovemaking
my thoughts of passion
the only satisfaction
through your periods of distraction

And male friends
inevitably became mad
upset with me
for not seeing me
the way they did
not knowing myself
nor believing me worthy
deserving of other options
that shined so clearly in my face
cuz they
smiled when I talked
offered to care for me
when I needed support
wrapped arms around me
whenever you made me cry
whispered the world in my ear
as I cradled against their neck

I lost so many
after a while they all left me
dismissed me
issued ultimatums and threats
purge my past for a new future
their friendship or my relationship

I lost so many
a potential mate
an intimate lover
the unspoken promise of
sensual fulfillment
I shook my head no
and vowed to
ride by your side
while you remained clueless
to my many friends
your love has cost

Admit It

You're cute
yeah, kinda sexy
smooth
a bit cocky, but
I luv that

I see you
even when you think
I am not watching
don't really have to look
cause your vibe radiates
directs me
makes me chuckle

hmmm, I can't help it
yeah, you're alright
there, I said it
you sorta got it goin on
OK, I give in
what more do you want?
You know I think
you're fine as hell

The Closet

I sat in the back of the closet
knees drawn to my chest
arms folded around me tight
no one would rescue me
no one would stop this
no one would lift the dreaded fear
that resided in me daily
whenever depression ruled over her
turning her sweet humble persona into a
boiling raging attacker

So I sat
on the floor
in the back of my closet
on top of vinyl records, my mini typewriter
old doll boxes, amidst shoes
and prayed that one day
He would free me from the
uncertainty of childhood
the instability of reliance
the danger of subordinance, where
my body, spirit, mind and soul
were under attack
just because I was
the only one there for her to pick on
and, since I was merely a child
an only child
whose father didn't care, and
whose family looked the other way
I could not fight back
I could not escape

I sat on my closet floor
while tears splashed against my knees
and prayed to my God
for blessed freedom

Want, Desire, Love

Would it be wrong
to leave you a trail of crumbs
a secret set of clues
a hidden diagram
a concealed map
directing you to
the treasure chest
of my want
of my desire
of my love

Would it be wrong
to wait for you to
ascertain,
think on it and become sure
to let you approach me
when the time is right
allow you access when you have
linked together the various hints
rewarding your diligence, boldness
with my want
with my desire
with my love

Would it be wrong
to wait, in the meantime
with hooded eyes and
cloaked heart
disguising my feelings and
barricading my essence
ignoring the piece of me
that desperately wants you to
search for me
to claim me as yours
to hungrily pursue and immerse in
my want
my desire
my love

My Loves Love

My Love
has a love all its own
a desire over which
I have no control
an insatiable lust
to which
I am merely a slave

My brain determines that
my love is in danger
is being misused or abused
ignored or rejected
and I try to
shut it down
walk away
detach and move on

But at times,
like now
my love has a spirit all its own
a mind unto itself
leading my body back here
to the warmth of you
the smooth comfort of your bed
your body's firm wonderland
my pride evaporates
and my brain shuts down
I acquiesce to your enigmatic vibe
allowing my loves
love
to completely submerge
in every aspect of you