She Had You (Repost)

I know now
she just verified it
made sure to look
deep in my eyes
make her meaning clear

she had you
enjoyed you
helped herself to a
nice sized portion
of the man I thought
was only mine

her eyes have laid claim
letting me know
that it will continue
she is open
for your every entry
available, at your
beck and call

and what can I do
how am I to stop this
there is nothing for me to say
nowhere for me to go

while my heart bleeds
and my pride evaporates
I stand here stuck
plastic smile masking devastating pain
embarrassment pouring over me
like boiling water
anger erupting deep in my pit
disgusted that you would
do this to me again

she had you.

The Takers

There is not one moment
of one day
when someone is not
draining me
taking from me
expecting of me
anticipating of me
siphoning off me
relying on me
shoving their own dreams
onto my mounting piles
of "hoping to dos" and
"when can I accomplish?"

Amazing that they
take so eagerly
so willingly
so freely
without shame of obligation
to feed in
to replace the energy they have absorbed
to replenish the resource they have used

Every second of every day
someone is taking from me
but it has been years
years
and only one or two
who have taken a moment
to take note
invest energy
and seek to pour into the
draining pool
shallowly existing
within me
since the mind recalls

The Itch

the itch is bothering me
it won't be stopped, can't be soothed
it's tearing at me
curiosity rearing it's head and
and taking my mind to down new paths
unexplored terrain
thrill creeping up my spine but
caution holding me back
tugging and my arms and
grasping at my legs
begging me to
be still
stop
be careful

But I got this itch
this central nagging that
can't be cured
there is no balm
no thick cream
no tingling soother
other than
closing my eyes and
jumping over this cliff
floating, falling, diving into
the unthinkable
giving myself over
to these new longings
these new discoveries
and carrying whatever cross
such indulgence
will make me bear

I've got this itch
and I am taking the cure
caution be damned

True Writer Me

I asked Him for a chance
a remote opportunity
a unique opening
I asked Him to send a guide
who would understand my concept
lead my development
shape its encouragement
structure its enlightenment

For 18 months
there was no answer

Then He stepped forward
tempered my heart
prepared my mind
provided clarity
past projects I had forgotten
tumbled forth like dusty pebbles
translucent marbles
gems written in purity
for the simple love of the Word
the simple dream of authorship
the simple memory of life endured

He stepped forward

Do I have the courage
to open my hand
grasp His
step out on faith
follow Him back to
my predestined path
go against the norm
destroy the fake dynasty that I built
remove each brick
with one solid blast
and be the real writer
I was called to be

I asked Him for a chance
and He stepped forward

The Stench

Just like the stench
of rotting men, waiting men
hopeless men
like the sting of love loss and
gaping open wound
like the deep ache of
essence's call ignored
faith disassembled and
belief trodden upon
the pain pushes upon me
shoves within me
where unspeakable memories
lay claim, unfold
padlock my mind
dragging me
down unthinkable pathetic path

Just like the instability of life
sadness pools around my heart
clogs my core
a simple whirlwind of pain
stealing my strength
sapping my fight
my energy stolen
my last breath
extinguished

just like the stench
of rotting men
despair is impenetrable and
loneliness is
inescapable

Love's Fizzle

Love's fizzle
deflating slowly like
air leaking from expanded rubber

this love
originally inflated
expanded
stretched beyond its boundaries, waiting
for the decisive pin
the pinpoint prick
to explode its magnetic shell
erupt into something
deliciously forbidden, sinfully luscious
thickly addictive

Instead, it was forced to wait
at its pinnacle
it was required to languish
to wonder aimlessly, searching for relief
release
praying for an
euphoric emission
which never came

Now, to survive
to maintain
to release and remain whole
inflated love instead fizzles
and seeps through
it's expanded shell
seeping slowly and loudly
fading down to nothing
but a sad longing
and rusty realization
of what magnificence
could have been....

The Real Me

You are my conflict
my greatest inspiration and my
deepest sorrow
my purest love and my
deep seeded doubt

You give me pause
recognizing that I am loving
what I want you to be
ignoring
what your soul reveals
what your tongue tells
and how callous your heart
really is

What is wrong with me that
loving you makes me needy
I avoid truth
ducking its eyes
and
shielding my soul from
its inevitable release
its freeing truth

That you only love the me
I have let you see
and the real me
you don' t know at all
and
I am loving the you
I want you to be
and the real you
I can't stomach at all...

Free

When I finally opened my eyes,
His Word gave me Hope,
His Hope granted me Joy,
His Joy found me Peace,
His Peace set me free.

Just Listen

Lean forward and listen
hear what I am
trying to say
don't guess
misinterpret
assume
be ill informed or
easily misguided
Listen
press your fingertips against
the softness of my chest
and listen
connect
and listen
learn me
understand the erratic rhythm
the strong vibration bass
the powerful sensual buzz
listen, to me
to mine
to all
just listen

Poetic Promise

I haven't been faithful
and now she knows
now I reveal
and spill
my heart

The shine of authordom
caught my eye
and I turned my back
on my poetic muse
casting her aside
in the sea of
discarded wishes and
disappointed dreams

My blessed poetry
I haven't been faithful
neglecting you and using you
tapping in
when I need a release
but forgetting to feed your spirit
nourish your soul

I am an unfaithful lover
a neglectful host
Poetry, I am not worthy

Pure Love

How could I
forget you
ever
How could I
release you
ever
ever
A meeting of minds
a matching of souls
my comfort in the dark
your confidante in the light

i love you

truer words were never uttered
never more believed
never before so intoxicating
each time so breath taking

and i won't forget
how could I
ever
ever forget
the purity
of us

It Hurts

it hurts
a little
a lot
are you coming back
or have you had enough
are you frustrated or
disappointed
how did fun
become confusion
how did easy
become complicated
why would you pull the plug
without warning
without hesitation
without emotion
without pause

how did something transpire
and i remained clueless
how was some line crossed
and i was left unaware
how were you offended
and i remained in loves heaven

it hurts
just a little
a helluva lot

The Word

For I was hungry
and you gave me meat
I was thirsty
and you gave me drink
I was a stranger
and you took me in
I was naked
and you clothed me
I was sick and you visited me
I was imprisoned
and you came to me...

Matthew 25:35-36

The Word, the perfect expression
the perfect meaning

Teenage Discovery

teenagers
playing adults
curiosity overtaking shyness
desire swallowing all the rules
he and I

we sat there
parked
my heart beating
his eyes staring
my mind wanting more
my hands refusing to move
playing the good girl
until the very end
until giving over to
love in its purest form

he was love
and i was need
he was calm
and i was wanting
he was guiding
and i was the blind
he held my hand
while i finally exhaled

he was beautiful
i was fulfilled

Inundated

Full
You filled me up
noticed that my vat sat
dangerously low
damn near empty
pushing out fumes and
sputtering dry sparks
and you poured in you
kindness and
love
appreciation
and love
gentleness
and love
got me saturated and glowing
full and comfy
you filled me up
inundated by your love

Love Tide

The truth is
i love you
although I cannot say it
and i adore you
although the words
remain trapped in my throat

You possess a rare
kindness
that lets me breathe
allows me to expand and explore
test and try
experiment and love

you don't betray me with
judgment
ridicule
withdrawal
cold neglect

and i want to nestle in
the sweet savory comfort of you
burrow in the confident maleness of you
and allow your love
to completely cover me

the truth is
i love you
that I am
swept away
overwhelmed by your
loving tide

Missing Link

Like a missing link I
I search for you

long for you
mourn for you
trying to fill
this inner void
this missing me
so empty
it makes me nauseous
threatening to
turn inside out
flip my inner turmoil
into my outer shell
render me putrid and ugly
riddled with angst

the emptiness within me

remember this chasm opened
tore away at the edges and
stretched so thin
my cover
imploded
my security
disappeared
You left me alone

forever searching
looking
seeking you
and what piece of me
came from you
and what part of me
still resides with you
how did it escape me
how did you
abscond with me
with that vital missing link
without which
every day
is a struggle

I Just Can't

Of course I think about him
during those quiet moments
when the soul can't evade the mind
and noise can't filter out old memories

and I worry
what life behind bars
does to him
to anyone
how he is affected and disconnected
how we are unattached and unaffiliated
how all it takes
is one call
or a letter
a simple postcard

to let him know I care
that he is on my mind
in my thoughts
stirring around my memory

But I can't
holding the pen over blank paper
I can't write and
holding the phone over
vast dial tone
I can't dial and
driving up to the penitentiary
I cant peel myself
from the car

I can't
I just can't

Its weird
or crazy
frustrating or psychotic
because I am not mad
don't regret and no longer resent
I just can't
the memories no longer torment
the absence no longer burns
but still
I can't

and I pray to God that one day I will
Find the strength to
disrupt this cocoon
tear through the malignant state
and be a daughter
despite all the things
my father never was
but right now
I just can't

Whatever I Like

Can I really have
whatever I like?
even if that
means you
totally
or at least
without she
temporarily

If that's what I want
is that what you'll give
and if that's what you'd give
will you be satisfied
with that in receipt
with me
temporarily
without he
but never permanently
cuz my life
and my time
and certainly my love
don't totally belong to me

So can you handle it
can you give me
whatever I like
when my like
fancies you and me
me and you
he and I
in our own
private dance
for a limited time
without obligation and
minus love permutations
or emotion complications
just mind blowing physical expressions

can you give me that
if you are giving me
whatever I like

Peace

Peace
evades me
skirting my mind and
delving into hidden corners
avoiding
turmoil and
anxiety
stress and pressure
repelling any semblance of
calm that
I once had

Peace
disappoints me
because I need it
so desperately
tonight
I need to feel connected and
drawn in
loved and
linked to
instead of
floating aimlessly
wonderingly mindlessly
unable to
feel normal
in my skin

Peace
is tormenting me
having allowed me to
taste his lips and
touch his skin
having stared
deep in my eyes and
shown me fire
having united with
my soul and devoured
my body
now he leaves
me
now I am
alone
needing peace

needing peace

Peace
got the best of me
the strong rushing of
emotion
drowning out his call
roaring past his promises
and I feel so lost
so purposely
so lonely
without
peace