Hard To Love

It could be that I am just
hard to love
Maybe, all along
it's just been me
something inherently repugnant in my
presentation or visceral image
some spiritual flaw that radiates and
signals to others internal beacons
sending warning signals to
withdraw and retreat
remove and save themselves

It could be that I am
hard to love

Carrying so many bags and
empty memories strapped to my chest
fixed on my shoulders
pulling at me, tugging my thick frame
laughing and giggling
tormenting me
a gigantic monkey on my back

Like the silent
pink elephant in the room
that we try to ignore
The pain is there, and
as I try to release hurt
more memories strap themselves on
hurl at me out of
despair's pit
refusing to release me, free me
lighten my load, just leave me be

While I fight and struggle
pushing and clawing
tearing them from my very spirit
those that I love
stand too close and
catch an elbow
a blackened eye
a busted lip
a swollen jaw
caught in the cross blows between
me and my pain

It is easier to just walk away
to quit
to honestly waive that white flag
and surrender
accepting peace and
leaving me in the process

Cause I just may be
too hard to love.

I Musta Forgot

I musta forgot
sat up here and let go
let myself loose
released necessary inhibitions and
opened wide
uncorked the vacuum seal to my
scented essence
handing it over to you

What was I thinking
entrusting my most secret self
in your careless hands
my most intimate being given
to your arrogant person

True to your core you
took note, inventory, stock of
who I am and what matters to me
absorbed whispered secrets
during the height of intimacy
like an eager sponge that, with manic delight,
you now squeeze and wring
until the soft flesh
tears and rips
dripping poison
into these open festering wounds
etched into my skin like
swollen welts with each
disillusioned realization stinging like salt from your tongue
hurled at me
aimed to destroy me

I shoulda known, but
I musta forgot

If Only

If only I could
let go and release
turn myself out
completely
allow my mind to
absorb all the possibilities
become agile and flexible
willing and yearning
for new experiences

If only I could
shut the door on
past mistakes and
create an eraser to
wipe memories away
pretend I didn't trip
hadn't fallen
laid splayed out on my back
for all to see

If only I could
recreate me
add in more courage
sprinkle in a bit of strength
a dose of forgiveness
a little bit of faith
belief that my
root won't eventually rot and
my cornerstone will not crack

If only I could
be sure
force myself to believe that
my foundation will not
eventually crumble

If only

Peace Offering

Confused
I find myself
wanting you
although I am not
in the least bit
attracted to you

This is bizarre or
kinda ridiculous because
my desire to envelope you
is irrational at best,
illogical and inexplicable....

**The remainder of this poem, and all other poems for October, are available in Discover Kai Poetry Intimate Musings, or contact a.Kai at discoverkai@hotmail.com for copies or permission to use. If you don't receive a response to email within 2 days, please resend. Thanks**