Soul Destruction

a million pieces
like shards of glass
splintered and sharp
the slightest touch
drawing the deepest red
exposing liquid life

a thousand pieces
like a ripe fruit
tossed from a
fifty story window
juices scattering across
broken remains and
shattered seeds
forever wasted
against the black top
of my life

a hundred peices
like the torn paper
from a child's scissors
snipping and cutting
trimming and hedging
always going too fars
laughtering the beauty of the creation
for the thrill of the cut
the joy of power and domain
of control over something's destiny

freeze dried so that the crash
would be more devastating
more damaging
undeniably permanent
that is what it is
the destruction of my soul

*repost

You Don't Know

you don't know me
after all this time, after all these words
after dreams shared
fears revealed
weakness displayed

you don't know me

was I the only one listening?
the only one studying
the only believer
the only understander

were you simply talking
pontificating
placating and time filling
plugging up your own void
by swallowing down my time
soothing your own itch
by devouring my need

how is it that months, weeks, days
hours, minutes, seconds later
you actually don't know me

you don't know me
and I, like a fool, studied all of you

and then

and then...
he smiled
and my heart responded
before my brain could deny
as my lips
slowly turned up
dimples slowly pressed in
my heart reclaimed its hum
my essence discovered
a more melodic flow

and then...
his arms
encapsulated me
his hip
pressed against mine
his palms
kneaded out a new rhythm
his lips
whispered a sincere promise
and my soul
found home

*repost

Envy's Child

What makes your lenses turn such an envious color rose
convincing you that my grass is greener
although you stood at the center of my fields
when they were brown and dry

How dare you have the audacity to judge me
roll your eyes and suck your teeth
behind my back
believing my current life
is some rare trophy
to which you are more entitled

You don't know my pain
can't begin to comprehend my strife
haven't suffered my misfortune and
insanity has not caved in your
delicately constructed walls of cards
maiming you through parental tools

Yet, you envy me
judge the external nonsense you think you see
denounce and refute all evidence that
the Most High has bestowed peace upon me
restoration for years
of pain and torment

So, I laugh at your spite
relishing in His perfect resolution
thankful that He, at least, is completely true
and gave my spirit the follow revelation:
you are nothing more
than envy's child

*repost

Remain Quiet

Remain Quiet
afraid to say
i love you
afraid it might be
too little, too late
I have doubted it
every time it passed your lips
frowned my face wondering how
wondering why
why would you
or anyone else
love me

But I am ready
ready to believe me loveable
ready to believe me worthy
ready to try to bestow upon you
an emotion
I barely have for me

can I love you
if I don't know how to love me?
I want to try
I want to say it
I want to utter those three words
that seems so easy
but feel like stones passing through
myvocal chords
I love you but, dammit, I just can't say it
i can't force it

maybe one day you will realize but,
then again,
maybe you won't
either way
I just remain quiet.

*repost

No Comparison

He dismisses
while you study and watch
focus in from afar and
notice my secret emotion
observe bubbling well overflowing
longing to lap up the sweet water
knowing only you can
keep my well from running dry

He ignores
while you tap in
creating conversation
light and easy butdeep and thick
underlying want and tension
raising the small hairs on the
nape of my neck
your intention
laid out and clearly spelled
your eyes promising joys unmentionable
and adventures unforetold

He takes for granted
while you raise up high
glorifying and praising clear
womanhood
identifying lushful bloom and
buzzing near like
bee sipping nectar
storing and protecting
fiercely and selfishly
guarding natures sweetest honey

He wallows in self pity
while you find future in
the curve of my hip
the swell of my breasts
the sway of my lower back
the ridge of my inner thigh
present, no time for
lost hopes or dreams
you achieved and attained it all
leaving blame at the door
funneling time and energy and
desire for manifestation
into a clearly and highly wanted
perfect solution

(*repost)

Push

If I push
will you return
will you come back
from that dead space of
insecurity
apathy
confusion?

If I push
can I have you back
will you remember
will you transform
will you recall
when my arms
gave you comfort
my mind
gave you love
my soul
gave you home

If I push
I know you will run
further hide
burrow deeper
shielding from feeling
so pain can't destroy you

But I must push
force myself to you
propel myself forward in love
cocoon within the magic
of us

i must push

need

i need you
in the most
unrecognizable way
you reflect me
insatiable and reaching
longing and striving
realizing want bears no wrong
acceptance reflect reality
truth
you mesmerize me
capture me
stun me with
articulate clarity
i need you
like the match to my spirit
your voice warms my heart
your thoughts fill my soul
i need you

Remind Me

remind me
of love
bring it back to me
like a clear picture
a static free recording
let me touch it
taste it
savor its wonder
swirl in its pureness

remind me of love
give it to me
freely
unconditionally
a cherished gift
a magnificent prize

remind me of its sound
light and free
deep and guttural
absorbed and overwhelmed

i lost it
or it escaped me
but you bring it back
you make my body recall
my brain reconfigure
my life make sense
you bring it back to me
stay with me
please
remind me

Damn Me

how does one
purge the mind
spit out the mistake
regurgitate the garbage
douche away the disgusting residue

why is there no
clear cut way
of mental flushing
no membrane dialysis
no spiritual antiseptic
or memory diuretic

if i could i would
throw you up
shit you out
pass you throw
gurgle you up and
spit you away

if i could i would
scrub away
any layer you touched
any space that took in your sight
any membrane that absorbed your sound
or fell victim to your lying touch

I would discard every aspect of me
that was contaminated by you
surely the cleaner pieces are worth more
than the sum total of me, contaminated by you
but I can't figure out how
to cleanse me
to disinfect me
to decontaminate me
without
destroying me

I can't figure out how
to save me,
but damn me
for exposing my all
to you

Never Lost Me

i lost sight of you
somehow
through the haze
the incredible need
the wanting bigger, better
searching
for grass that was green
taste more fantastic
touch more sensual
thirst more flagrant
longing more erotic

i lost you
lost sight of you
my head turned and
you easily faded
lost in my peripheral
lingered too long
in my damned blind spot
lounged to lazily
in our cursed comfort zone

i lost you
i reached out
stretched
inhaled deeply
letting waves overtake me
ripples run through me
currents lap around me
searching
until i drowned
overwhelmed
weight tying me down
guilt splashing my mind
flapping my spirit
testing your
impenetrable calm
and without blinking
you pulled me back
brought my head above water

you saved me

i lost sight of you
but your eyes
never left me

and then...

and then...
he smiled
and my heart responded
before my brain could deny
as my lips
slowly turned up
dimples slowly pressed in
my heart reclaimed its hum
my essence discovered
a more melodic flow
and then...
his arms
encapsulated me
and my soul
found home

So Small

I dreamt my life so big
yet, it has turned out
so small
Saw a bigger platform
saw me soaring high
instead I am chained to
my decisions
forever linked to
my forfeitures
bumping painfully against
my sacrifices

I clipped my own wings
I never took flight

I sowed
what was meant for me
into disbelieving others
freely gave
what was destined for me
to those who perpetrated love

so desperate was I
so needy for love

I fashioned their horizons
sculpted their climactic peak
and once they eclipsed their heights
they lain eyes on me
in disdain
now, I am nothing more than baggage
the last obstacle
before they can paint themselves
golden

I dreamt my life so large
and inadvertently trapped me
into something
so small

The Mirror (Repost)

The mirror
told of your pain
spoke of my confusion
whispered volumes of confessions
thundered words of truth
reflected us beautiful
proved us scarred
showed us raw
exposed us vulnerable

She Had You (Repost)

I know now
she just verified it
made sure to look
deep in my eyes
make her meaning clear

she had you
enjoyed you
helped herself to a
nice sized portion
of the man I thought
was only mine

her eyes have laid claim
letting me know
that it will continue
she is open
for your every entry
available, at your
beck and call

and what can I do
how am I to stop this
there is nothing for me to say
nowhere for me to go

while my heart bleeds
and my pride evaporates
I stand here stuck
plastic smile masking devastating pain
embarrassment pouring over me
like boiling water
anger erupting deep in my pit
disgusted that you would
do this to me again

she had you.

The Takers

There is not one moment
of one day
when someone is not
draining me
taking from me
expecting of me
anticipating of me
siphoning off me
relying on me
shoving their own dreams
onto my mounting piles
of "hoping to dos" and
"when can I accomplish?"

Amazing that they
take so eagerly
so willingly
so freely
without shame of obligation
to feed in
to replace the energy they have absorbed
to replenish the resource they have used

Every second of every day
someone is taking from me
but it has been years
years
and only one or two
who have taken a moment
to take note
invest energy
and seek to pour into the
draining pool
shallowly existing
within me
since the mind recalls

The Itch

the itch is bothering me
it won't be stopped, can't be soothed
it's tearing at me
curiosity rearing it's head and
and taking my mind to down new paths
unexplored terrain
thrill creeping up my spine but
caution holding me back
tugging and my arms and
grasping at my legs
begging me to
be still
stop
be careful

But I got this itch
this central nagging that
can't be cured
there is no balm
no thick cream
no tingling soother
other than
closing my eyes and
jumping over this cliff
floating, falling, diving into
the unthinkable
giving myself over
to these new longings
these new discoveries
and carrying whatever cross
such indulgence
will make me bear

I've got this itch
and I am taking the cure
caution be damned

True Writer Me

I asked Him for a chance
a remote opportunity
a unique opening
I asked Him to send a guide
who would understand my concept
lead my development
shape its encouragement
structure its enlightenment

For 18 months
there was no answer

Then He stepped forward
tempered my heart
prepared my mind
provided clarity
past projects I had forgotten
tumbled forth like dusty pebbles
translucent marbles
gems written in purity
for the simple love of the Word
the simple dream of authorship
the simple memory of life endured

He stepped forward

Do I have the courage
to open my hand
grasp His
step out on faith
follow Him back to
my predestined path
go against the norm
destroy the fake dynasty that I built
remove each brick
with one solid blast
and be the real writer
I was called to be

I asked Him for a chance
and He stepped forward

The Stench

Just like the stench
of rotting men, waiting men
hopeless men
like the sting of love loss and
gaping open wound
like the deep ache of
essence's call ignored
faith disassembled and
belief trodden upon
the pain pushes upon me
shoves within me
where unspeakable memories
lay claim, unfold
padlock my mind
dragging me
down unthinkable pathetic path

Just like the instability of life
sadness pools around my heart
clogs my core
a simple whirlwind of pain
stealing my strength
sapping my fight
my energy stolen
my last breath
extinguished

just like the stench
of rotting men
despair is impenetrable and
loneliness is
inescapable

Love's Fizzle

Love's fizzle
deflating slowly like
air leaking from expanded rubber

this love
originally inflated
expanded
stretched beyond its boundaries, waiting
for the decisive pin
the pinpoint prick
to explode its magnetic shell
erupt into something
deliciously forbidden, sinfully luscious
thickly addictive

Instead, it was forced to wait
at its pinnacle
it was required to languish
to wonder aimlessly, searching for relief
release
praying for an
euphoric emission
which never came

Now, to survive
to maintain
to release and remain whole
inflated love instead fizzles
and seeps through
it's expanded shell
seeping slowly and loudly
fading down to nothing
but a sad longing
and rusty realization
of what magnificence
could have been....