MAd At Me

Trying to forgive me
for letting me
gain weight
lose control
fail to care

Now its difficult to
reinvent and regenerate
reclaim the sexier shell
within which
protection and comfort came with ease

But now the fat
has me exposed
reveals my weakness
my loss of control

I am mad
at me
for hiding behind the cloak of flesh
covering me in older women's unwanted weight
and for letting the lovely me
go

Your Name

Your name
resonates within the quiet pond
secluded emotion, like a small echo
bounces, growing
magnifies, blossoming
erupts
so much passionate wonder
the memory released
just by the mention
of your name

Your Flame Never Burns

Your fire
doesn't burn me
have you noticed?
It nips at me
flashes of heat
fan over me
I relax and enjoy
your flames, they
circle around me
the perfect elongated leaf,
burning white at its core
blue at its edges
red as its lips
stretch out for me
engulf me
manifest in me
a smoldering lust

Your Fire
never burns me
haven't you wondered why?
because its flames
simply merge with mine
its heat simple melts into
the roar of my furnace
its core is nothing more
than the twin within my pilot

That's why you feel it
when your flame touches mine
that's why you jump and
I flinch
but we both hold still
enjoying the flames
allowing our unique heat
our inextinguishable fire
to become one

Defeated, Finally

Simply defeated
finally
the fight is gone
emptiness remains

the joke
has been on me
real love eludes me
or runs from me
either way
it has proven itself scarce
and my belief in it
useless

It took
three people-
the abandoner
the hater, and
the neglecter
but they have finally won
and I
finally
surrender

Less Faith

It was more than an urge
that compelled
my small frame forward

the pastor beckoned
in his robes, pomp and circumstance
calling the lost to
come to the Lamb
but my ears heard a different Voice
the comforting Voice
that protected me when
my mother went on a rampage
or my father stared into the fire
for months
at a time

the Voice that
assured me it was alright
promised I would make it through
whispered that the nightmares
would end
eventually
if I just
held on

Didn't everyone have one?
there own small Voice
the constant unseen Comforter

so when It said
to step forward,
proclaim my love, and
declare my God
I moved without hesitation
ambling pleasantly down the aisle
obediently doing what I knew
would please
my Lord

I wish
I still had that simplicity
still knew when and how to listen
desperately want to hear Him on
such a regular basis

Wish that I
didn't have to strain, to plead
to beg for His guidance

I wonder at the courage
of the six year old me
who had the faith of giants
with a life so short
knowledge so lacking
experiences so few
yet, my spiritual core was
so much more developed
refined
exquisitely in tune

than it is now

God, please grant me the Faith
of the six year old me

The Mirror

The mirror
told of your pain
spoke of my confusion
whispered volumes of confessions
thundered words of truth
reflected us beautiful
proved us scarred
showed us raw
exposed us vulnerable

Understand

When you avoid me
I understand
sympathize
wish that I too could be free
that this longing didn't invade
overwhelm
complicate what should be
so easy

When I avoid you
you watch me, follow me
mark my desperate efforts
to leave you be
to allow you choice
space to navigate
to avoid me
and the tangled web of
my life

When you avoid me
I understand,
but still
find me sad

Cook For U

This energy
seems to be spreading
invading
overpowering and controlling

seeping
from you

to me

and I
I
I think I wanna
cook for you
create for you
demonstrate the inner god
that you so gingerly inspire
so delicately
enliven

I need to demonstrate
how our union
creates fantastical reality
making barriers evaporate into
translucent visions that I
step through with ease

Reaching for you
focused on you

that deepseeded urge to try
becomes a pounding demand to
tackle and complete
to step foward
without fear
to wrap my hands around nothing
and manifest
everything

May I
cook for you
dance for you
lay back and perform my
ritual just for you
can I write to you
or
sing to you
play a simple melody
reflecting my vibe for you
or should I
center my energies
here, and
simply be
for you
for you
for you

I need to breathe
for you

He Was Magnifiscent

Trying to be clever
I desperately stumbled
all over myself,
stuttering out my
preplanned line
the one sure to seduce
tumbling off my lips
like awkward boulders and shame burning my neck as
the words bounced around in that
awkward silence
like bricks tossed against rubber

Embarrassment
shrouded around the
once clear air
making breath
impossible
sensuality a misnomer
and seduction a
never ending joke

That's what he did to me
ya'll
by a mere glance
a shy smile
a patient pregnant pause
he had me
stuttering foolish words
stammering silly innuendos
suffering heat flashes and
cold phases
body tingles
by simply swimming in
the pool of his eyes
wishing I could
maintain some composure
as I gazed upon
magnificence's reflection

I Wish

I wish
I knew how to touch you
what to say
what to reveal

I wish
I could bottle up my emotion
and pour it into your
cupped hands
let you feel it
spread gently across your fingertips
until your cup runnteh over

I wish
I had you
in another time and
another place
and I could show you
how we could be

I think about it often
oh, how I wish...

Felt You

I felt you
before I saw you
and the feeling was sooooo
real
that it shocked me
then shamed me
because
out of sight, out of mind
was the solution I had been praying for
hoping for
waiting for

Yet, I felt you
before I saw you
proving distance, space, time and absence
created absolutely no interruption at all
my heart
still drummed heavily
my breathing
still quickened rapidly
my body still tried to push forward
responding
while my mind desperately fought to
hold me back

confusion, once again
blinding my spirit and
binding my tongue
tailspinning my control
into a tornado
of fragmented lust

you see,
the fact remains
that I still felt you
before I saw you

The Future

Your purpose
was the beacon to my life
for so long
the mantle was placed on you
the crown befitting your head
the honor stitched carefully
into your spirit

It was you

the reason I was formed
the momentum of my life
the curvature of your father's growth
the experiences of his enriched youth

It was all for you
and the next ones
Our children
Our seed
Our future generation

We understand the principles
know that sins of the father
fall on the heads of the son
that wickedness in the present
manifests into
death in our future

So we have lived clean
have stepped carefully
have let go and released
desires
dreams
unrealized potentials
to bring you to this point

Our lives
were designed
for the maturation
of you

Generations back
generations forward
the belief of tomorrow
the promise of today

It was always
for you

Everything

He told me
that I would forget him
my life would mean something
and what we shared had to
fade away

He told me
that I was amazing and talented
special
because I saw the good in him
whispered love in his ear
muttered hope into his dreams

He told me
that our time together
would mean eveything to him
and
nothing to me
in the future
in the distant oasis of
unlimited possibilities and
unconquered dreams waiting
waiting
at least for me

But he was wrong
underestimating his own power
his affirming intimacies
became the glue to my essence
the sensual piece to my puzzle
despite words and space
years and time
and his sullen prediction
he is still
my everything

Soul Cry

The lover
of my soul
you are

my heart's reason
for throbbing
you know me
well
so well

so you must know I love you
without it
ever being said

your silence
making my mind
ache
and my
essence cry

You are
the lover of my soul
the healer of my heart
and you know
that I love you
without it
ever needing
to be said

I miss you

Reliance

I turned to him for comfort
I received coldness
I turned to him for love
I received judgement
I turned to him for clarity
I received disdain
I turned to him for salvation
I received emptiness

I turned to her for acceptance
she called me ugly
I looked to her for advice
she called me fool
I called on her for support
she called me failure
I reached for her acknowledgement
she named me pathetic

I waited for something whole
but my soul was tattered and torn
I waited for an exit
but met a constant dead end
I waited for a break
and instead fell down life's merciless pit

Foolishly Forever

Forever
I promised forever
always
I meant it
foolishly

now unable to
route me
can't establish the link
to seductive betrayal
can't force my footstep
outside the box
for fulfillment

I bound myself
forever
and love changed
but I'm here
forever
and this noose
is slowly
strangling me...

TRIBUTE: SOFTEN MY SOUL

Tribute: Soften My Soul

I sat on the edge of the tub, waiting. This cannot happen to me. Not now. I had managed to make it through high school, undergrad, 2 years of work and law school without so much as a slipup. A month ago, I signed my contract of employment with the law firm, which contained the six figure salary that would be the key to my future. At 26, I already earned triple my parents salary. Now, when things were finally falling into place and the life I had dreamt of was within my grasp, I was possibly pregnant. This just cannot happen to me.

But the past two weeks had been a blur of cramps and nausea. When I wasn’t vomiting, I experienced hot flashes, cold flashes and embarrassing mood swings. Just that afternoon, I had cried at the firm’s lunch conference, frustrated that my coworker nabbed the last brownie.

So I bought the home pregnancy test and locked myself in my bathroom, praying that my good fortune hadn’t come to an end. I finally gathered my nerve and glanced at the window indicator. With two clear stripes of pink, my worst fears were confirmed.

What am I going to do? Simple. I have to hide it. Relying on my own flawed understanding, hiding it became the most logical conclusion in the world. Except for my husband, I just wouldn’t tell anyone. Never mind that I would eventually begin to show. Or that it was ludicrous for a professional married woman to hide a pregnancy. I only had one clear thought: there was no way I would let the firm know that they had just invested six figures in an attorney who would be taking maternity leave in 9 months.

I walked around with my little secret, ignoring the cause of my sudden unrelenting illness. Two weeks later, while sitting at my desk, I became overwhelmed with cramps. Worried, I rushed to the restroom. In the stall, I doubled over in pain, but clenched my teeth, determined to get through it. When the pain finally subsided, I noticed the spots. Blood. Oh no. Oh, God, no.

I ran back to my office, grabbed my purse and cell phone, mumbled something to my secretary, and left the building. In the car, I called the doctor.

“Doctor’s office. May I help you?”

“Yes. I am spotting. Pregnant. I need to see someone, now.”

“Where are you?”

“D.C.” The lights were taking forever to turn green. The people wouldn’t get out of the crosswalk. MOVE. Something is wrong with my baby.

“Go to our satellite office. It’s closer. I will phone ahead and tell them you’re coming.”

She gave me the directions. I tore through the city, my heart beating faster and my breath becoming shallow. I can’t lose my baby. It had never occurred to me that something bad could happen or that the baby wouldn’t make it. During that car ride, the “it” that had invaded my body, that I had barely spoken about and had tried to ignore with all my might, became my baby.

When I arrived at the office, the nurses escorted me to the back room for a sonogram. The head nurse arrived. It will be alright. It has to. She attempted to make small talk, but I didn’t hear a word. I prayed silently that I hadn’t neglected my poor child before she was ever given a chance.

“Mrs. Moore, you can get dressed.”

“Huh? You said the doctor would see me.”

“Yes, I did. But I don’t think he will need to perform a follow up sono, after all. He would like to talk with you in his office instead.

I nodded. He will just tell me that I need rest. I never get bad news at the doctor’s office, except for the stupid weigh in. It will be alright.

I pulled on my clothes and followed the nurse down the hall.

“Mrs. Moore, please have a seat.”

I glanced at the pleasant looking man before me and wondered how long this would take. I hope this is quick. I need to get back to work.

“Mrs. Moore, I am sorry to tell you this, but the fetus does not have a heart beat.”

A loud clap filled me ears, followed by the sound of cloth tearing. I shut my eyes and shook my head to clear my hearing. I couldn’t have heard him right. “I’m sorry,” I said with a little smile, scoffing at myself, “For some reason, I thought you said… I mean, I couldn’t really hear you. What did you say?

“Mrs. Moore, your fetus. There is no heartbeat.”

“What? No, that’s not right.”

“Yes, Mrs. Moore, we have the pictures of the sonogram right here. See the mass? There.” He tapped the circle at the bottom of the swirl of black and white. “I am afraid that is the fetus. It does not have a heartbeat. You will need to schedule an emergency D&C.”

“A what?”

His lips continued to move, as he carefully used technical words like fetus, mass and removal. My heart had stopped beating. My baby is dead. I had ignored her, had been ashamed of her. I had chosen the six figure salary over my precious baby. She wasn’t just a fetus or a mass. She was my child and I had lost her. I had cruelly neglected her very existence.

I felt my mouth open. I heard his stream of words abruptly halt. The cry from my soul must have shocked him, because he sat with his mouth open and eyes wide, while I loudly sobbed. The head nurse quickly entered the room and handed me tissue. I stood up to exit, my cries echoing through the office. As we walked past the other nurses and patients, they bent their heads together and whispered, their faces full of pity. I never felt more alone.

That evening I talked to my husband. We prayed. I called my girlfriends. We prayed. They formed a prayer circle and prayed. In the midst of prayer, someone suggested a second opinion. A few phone calls later revealed that a radiologist had an opening the following Monday. God please grant my baby a second chance. Please, God, grant me a second chance.

This time, my husband went with me. After a long wait, the moment finally arrived. If my child had passed away, at least I would get one last chance to see her, one last chance to apologize. The radiologist glanced through my chart and then began her search for the baby. Finally, we spotted her, a tiny tadpole shaped being.

“Do you see the red spot that keeps blinking?” asked the radiologist, a huge smile covering her face.

I nodded.

“That’s the baby’s heartbeat. She is fine.”

My husband bowed his head in relief. My child had been spared from a horrible mistake or granted a second chance at life. I will never know which. But I learned that my baby was a rare and precious gift, one that I would never again take for granted.

Bio:

Aisha K. Moore, Esq., pseudonym a.Kai, is a published poet and novelist who enjoys writing inspirational, fantasy, sci fi (speculative fiction), commercial and adult fiction. Her Discover Kai Poetry Collection is an intimate monthly log of experiences, emotions and reflection that consists of six published collections, including Cherished Beginnings, Intimate Musings, Internal Indulgences and Peaceful Resolution. She is a contributing poet to Step Up to the Mic: A Poetic Explosion (Poetic Press). Her poetry has been recognized in a number of magazines, book clubs and literary circles and is posted on a number of websites and blogs.

Her inspirational short story, Second Chance, has been published in True: Vol. 2 and her short story, The Marks, was published by The Writer’s Cafe’ Press in the anthology Light at the Edge of Darkness. A third short story, Mikki’s Anniversary, is included in the anthology If It Ain’t One Thing, It’s Another. She is a guest reviewer for RAWSISTAZ Book Club.

A wife and mother of five, Aisha graduated from Georgetown University Law Center and is licensed to practice in both Washington D.C. and Maryland. She is employed by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) where she works in employment discrimination matters. For more information, visit her at www.discoverkai.com, www.discoverkai.blogspot.com or www.myspace.com/discoverkai.

Tribute To Mothers

My Grandmother:

Soft Hands

Time has surrounded me
encumbered me
binding and strapping me
restricting my reach to memories

I cannot bring back the past
Oh, how I want to,
just to experience as
many of those moments of you
as I can

I am bound to the magnetic tunnel of time
unable to crack it
forward motion never stopping, never releasing me
I cannot get extra
cannot stretch out this second, moment, minute
see?
it is already gone

I just want to see her again.
Just one more time
hear the tinkling laugh
the gentle voice
hold the soft hand that felt like
the bottom of a newborns foot
The hands that would place me in her lap,
rub my back, pray over me and
cover me with love
God inspired protection

Annie Ophelia
I miss you, but I understand
you have been released and
the pain is finally gone

But every now and then, in my dreams
I am that little girl again
in endless love with
her beautiful grandmother
holding onto your soft, soft hand....


My Daughters:

Achieve, Little Girl

You can achieve the unlimited
Capable of dreams and imaginings
unthinkable to
generations past

Soar, little girl, soar
I see you and I know you
only self doubt and deception
can steal your love and being
stand in your way
only you can stop you

Fight through it, little girl, please
Press, press, press forward
to the promised destiny
fulfilling generations of prayers
tied supernaturally to divine faith

It's yours, little girl
it belongs to you
step into it with
inherent entitlement
grasp and hold on through
certain controversy and
designed distraction

Be blessed, little girl
be blessed
knowing it is not impossible
rather, it is predetermined and
very necessary for you to
fulfill that dream
achieve unlimited heights
clear paths for future legacy.

I love you, little girl, I do.

My Baby Girl

You are filled with a unique essence
you exude deep loves joy
your being rhythmically inspired and musically imbued
I am simply amazed by your very existence

Baby girl, in my womb you twisted and turned
rocked to inner dimensions clear vibrations
molding your natural melody and
developing intellectual prowess
your internal beat and flow
so different yet so perfect

Now I watch you
dance and spin
bounce and hop
twirl and tumble
climb and fall
nod your head and close your young eyes
rocking to the precious savory personal tune
He has instilled within your spirit

Your phenomenal radiation
simply unspeakable
a pure cosmically manifested essence
you are my life

On Being A Mother:

A Mother

I am a mother
Can you imagine that?
unbelievable

I still find myself amazed that
in His infinite wisdom
He chose me
looked upon me and smiled
decided to bless
with morsels of His light
that shine golden
spread brilliant
reflect lovely

I am a mother
so undeserving yet
so completely thankful
reaping joy in each accomplishment
mending my heart, strengthening my soul
trying to encourage
behind each and every disappointment

This love is indescribable
breathtaking and sincere
all consuming
I will give my life
my heart
my mind
my essence
my all
to mold these phenomenal spirits
into the unique vessels
they were destined to be

I am a mother

To My Eldest, who is leaving for college:

My Young Black Man

An entire future is
waiting for you
breathless with anticipation
hoping, praying, pleading
for you to stay on track

My young black man

The boy in you is
growing up, maturing
changing and expanding
discovering talents
developing skills

You were purposely
hidden in the shadows
your gifts apparent
your uniqueness so identifiable
I hid you in the depths of my heart
for protection
minimizing exposure
keeping your world small
to allow you to
plant roots and
grow firm

Maybe it wasn't right
but it was the best I could do

Now you emerge
split through the timid form
stepping forth a man
exuding strength and character
calm and love
fulfillment and destiny
just a stones throw away

Hang on, my young black man
please follow your path
be careful with your life
treat your being with respect
remain prayerfully diligent
that your way is lighted,
path predetermined
success guaranteed


My Baby Boy:

Baby Jordan

10 months of peace and calm

This special baby
residing in me
caused my spirit to
be still
turmoil to subside
he brought me
peace

It nestled into my essence
contaminated every fiber
consumed all ill will
confusion and mistrust

I had never experienced it before

Did not know that life could be quiet
that joy existed in each ray of sunlight
trickling through a sparkling window
Contentment presented itself in the
regularity of morning, noon and night
calm emerged as a blanket of safety and
cloak of security

This special baby

like the sprinkling of cool waters
in the midst of a fierce sun
and the calm lapping of lakes
against overflowing banks
Jordan,
my unique deliverer of peace

Breathed You

Your exhale
became my inhale
my intake
my access to your
very essence
adoring you inner core
so in love
I simply
breathed you

The Test

He tested the waters
dipped a finger in to
judge the level of my heat
the clarity of my response
the solidness of my answers

But, no more tests for me
deciding I am ready
for all that he has to offer
if he is ready
to accept me on my terms
meaning
he can never have
all of me
what I can carve out and
steal away
is all that I can offer

He threw out the bait
to see if I would bite
Instead I grabbed hold of the line
wrapped the cord around my body
and hoped when he felt my tug
he would reel up my entirety

He didn't
the tug too strong
the obvious too apparent
he took a taste test
but when my desire stung his tongue
he spit me out
and turned his back