Pressure

Doesn't pressure make you
learn things about yourself
that you never before knew

I didn't know that
I could be alone
without a man
if I had to
I could survive
not only survive but
actually be content
despite lonely nights

I didn't know that
I had other options
other potentials
others offering support
financial
emotional
physical

I didn't know that
me myself and I
provided fine company
entertaining amusement
creative inspiration

the things I learned
on my own
a woman changed
expanded outside the box
becuase of life's changes
cruel ultimatums
and strong internal will

pressure crushed my circumstance
destroyed my world
but reformed me
into something so much better
so much more pure
more than I ever thought I could be

The Believer

It is a rare opportunity
to go for a dream
to risk it all
to pursue what is in your heart

Most people quit
search for an excuse
a reason
an alternative
to give up

Because success is hard
painful
long and exhausting
life, by its very nature
is designed with
booby traps and stumbling blocks
to dishearten the spirit and
smash dreams

But you, you are perservering
believing
continuing and pushing
toward that dream
that goal
that belief
despite what you have given up
despite what you have had to go through
despite what life has dealt
despite hate envious souls have flung your way
and I
I am so very proud of you

Eight Years Old

"you stupid bitch"
the woman uttered
the evil words
whipping across eight year old ears
tears
pouring down her young face
as she grasped her homework
and hoped if she remained quiet
she could ride out another storm

"i hate your stupid self"
a mother said
and a daughter
internalized it
already knowing she was worthless
her father had long ago proven that

but now her mother
in a routine vent
imprinted it on her brain
her tears staining the math work
her heart unraveling into shreds
because now she finally understood
her mother's anger
was justified
and was all her fault
since she was nothing more
than a stupid bitch

Share Memories

What do you do
when your memories
cause so much daily pain
when, after tears and prayer
the enormity still presses
against your chest
eliminating
your ability to breathe

when revealing the truth
will embarrass the perpetrator
but keeping it concealed
will only harm you
and sharing your experience
may give hope
to so many others
who also suffer
silently

what do you do?

Simply Inspirational

Inspiration
I find you inspiring
amazing
driven
focused
sure
definite
solidly enhancing

inspiration
you are my inspiration
without agenda
or ulterior motive
no obligation
or awkward appeal
no malintent
or untoward purpose
I simply find you inspiring
simply inspirational

Ethiopian God

My hair wasn't done
sweat suited up
running through the rain
lookin rough
Paid for the gas already
but wanted some Bubbleyum

Yeah, I still chew Bubbleyum

Mulled over the flavors
decided on watermelon, of course
threw the dollar on the tray
under the thick glass plating
looking up for the first time

He was an Ethiopian God
stunned I glanced back down
avoiding his eyes
cuz mine always give me away
he smiled
held my change with his fingertips
instead of throwing it into the tray
I smiled in response
while he laid the money in my hand
met his eyes again
we both chuckled
both playin this flirting game
I lost though, looking away first
his eyes contained rivers of possibilities
so I only glanced back once
enjoying the warm feeling of attraction
in the pit of my stomach

amazed, cuz it never fails,
that I seem to get
more male attention
when I think I am
looking my worst..

A Choice

Listen carefully
peace is a decision
contentment takes effort
choosing to be happy
must be the only choice

I will savor each moment
that I am in
regardless of
my circumstance
I will participate in my life
and in others
I refuse to miss
any more firsts, lasts or
once in a lifetimes

It took years
but I found a measure of peace
a span of contentment
an inner joy
and I have promised
to hold into it
no matter what

The Hickey

"A hickey"
she pointed at my neck
I shook my head no
trying to remember when
but adamently denying it
"Yeah, I noticed it too"
another one chimed in
embarassment flooding my face
cause I'm in my early thirties
walking around with
passion marks on my neck
sportin collarless shirts
clueless
wondering how long I'd had it
who all had seen it
how big was it and
and how much evidence
of my sex life
had I unknowingly exposed
to my small world

Glad Its Over

With a busted lip
a tired spirit
an aching body
a hurting soul

my son came home

after breathing football
bleeding sport
ravaging yardage and
splaying out talents
passing
receiving
tackling
blocking
defending
running
diving
intercepting

three stitches
the bloodied lip
an aching hip
sore legs
championship dreams
once again demolished
playoff pursuits
coming to an end

must admit
i am glad it is over
glad that he will no longer
give all that he has
to a program that thinks him minimal
undermines him in both the media and to future coaches
thinks nothing of his sacrifice
of his education beyond this level
of the lifelong dreams residing deep inside
of his love of the game
of his loyalty
of his ability

So, I am sorry for the loss
sorry for his busted lip
sorry for his teammates tears

But I am glad its over....

Understanding

Learned my lesson
I guess
saw another side
a different view point
an alternative glance
when he met my eyes

this man that I
purposed in my heart
to hate

But he studied me
with measured carefulness
his eyes inquiring
how two people
could be so similar
and have common goals
but adamantly deny
the possibility of working together

I learned my lesson
when my anger dissipated
dissolved
disintegrated
leaving shames residue
leaving understandings patience
I cannot judge
I wouldn't walk a mile in his shoes
Don't envy his position
so glad I don't have to make his decisions

and who am I
to judge, anyway

Physical Reaction

My tongue tingles
cheeks quiver
rivers of adrenaline
flow throw my being
because you chose
to be with me
talk with me
smile at me
share a secret
with me

My breath is short
I smile but
bite my cheek to
stop from grinning
too hard
trying to limit the obvious
and remove the easiness

As you step closer
your voice is drowned out
by the pounding of my heart
and throbbing of my
inner woman
identifying you
longing for you
wide open
for you

My physical reaction
to your spiritual being
your inherent manness
your perfect oneness

To Football

Who do you think
you are
what part of this
do you not understand
how dare you drop in
this late in the game
thinking you can
influence life decisions
weigh in on
future contemplations
damn you
for being the gate
through which we have to pass
the portal
by which all media communicates
the mouthpiece for where
our child may attend
or be interested
and where you think
you can influence him to go

It is close to hate
the lens through which
I view you
because you are playing
with my most precious
affecting my most innocent
and undermining
my most sincere

maybe i should check you now
step to you
and blow up your world
but he has asked me
not to
so I will just wait
and bide my time
secure his future
and move on with mine

but you better know
that our paths shouldn't cross
in the future
cross the street and
look the other way
because without the maternal leash
I will remind you
of exactly who and what
I think you are...

New York

Im feeling like
New York City
on a
romantic night
remember my birthday trip
our lovers dip
into the fast paced lane
immersing ourselves
between the layers of its
sweet vibe and
never ending energy

I want to escape
to New York City
just for a day
or two
you know how we do
laughing and flirting
wining and dining
living and loving
every single time

its in my blood
in my mind
i gotta craving
a delectable desire
a single solitary itch
you know the cure
I am in need of some
New York City shine

Feelin you

I'm feeling you
with your
easy smile and
sexy way
your face
masks all emotion
but I can
make you look
make you wonder
see your eyebrow lift
your chin slightly rise

your my type of man
never pressed
always smooth
always real
always easy
powerful
I'm feelin you,
but you already know

What happens

What happens
when I can't grasp onto that energy
that is floating around me
springing just past me
beckoning me to
scribe it
give it physical form
transform it into peotry

but i can't quite
captuee it
grasp it
hold on to the string
and pull tightly
unraveling the spiritual mystery
that will pour down the
mysterious words
and create a
rhytmic
peice

what happens when
the words dry up
and I
find myself empty
what do I do
then

Luv?

Wasn't sure
whether I should feel
flattered or offended
when he said it
a silent thrill overtook me
but then
I got scared
because the look in his eyes
removed the beauty of it
the pureness of it
and revealed
a protective insanity
a veiled ultimatum
a quiet challenge
when he said it
I knew that he loved me
but wondered whether I wanted
his love
because
it no longer
felt safe

Unsure how to respond
when he looked at
me
and whispered
"don't you ever
try to leave me..."

Destruction

a million pieces
like shards of glass
splintered and sharp
the slightest touch
drawing the
deepest red
exposing liquid life

a thousand pieces
like a ripe fruit
tossed from a
fifty story window
juices scattering across
broken remains and
shattered seeds
forever wasted
against the black top
of my life

a hundred peices
like the torn paper
from a child's scissors
snipping and cutting
trimming and hedging
always going too far
slaughtering the
beauty of the creation
for the thrill of the cut
the joy of power and domain
of control over something's destiny

freeze dried
so that the crash
would be more devastating
more damaging
undeniably permanent
that is what it is
the destruction of my soul

redeemed

and just like that
it disappeared
the emotion
that has been dwelling
unwanted
in the center of my core
taking over my mind
invading my thoughts
making me
question my sanity and
bow my head in shame
the thought of you
the memory of you
the mere suggestion
of us

just like that
I have been released
from your tantalizing spell
your wicked stronghold
your luscious promises

just like that
I have been
redeemed

My Oasis

On a oasis
we sit
me and you
you and I
isolated and alone
linked but unsure
together yet quietly apart

you smile
lips part and
sunshine invades my mind
overtakes my spirit
your spoken word
the dew that rests upon
my chest
the fountain that springs forth
from my womb

the maddening sound of life
rushing forth
growing and blooming
thick and lush
like the carpeted swath of grass
beneath my feet
beneath my head
beneath my back
staring up at you

My oasis
turning dust
into life

Like a Fool

Lie a lost child
I wander into
the lion's den
stumbled upon
the lone enemy
a savage
a madman

Like a young fool
I fell for the
image
the idea
ignoring the obvious and
reasoning away the predictable
I could change him
I could make him mine

Like the class dunce
I wonder how
everyone understood the
street slang but me
read in between the lines and
deciphered the code
but me
knoew to stay far away
and leave him alone
but me

Like a fool
I am trapped in the
tangle of my own design
a trap
of my own setting
because I
loved him
more than me