Forever
I promised forever
always
I meant it
foolishly
now unable to
route me
can't establish the link
to seductive betrayal
can't force my footstep
outside the box
for fulfillment
I bound myself
forever
and love changed
but I'm here
forever
and this noose
is slowly
strangling me...
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
TRIBUTE: SOFTEN MY SOUL
Tribute: Soften My Soul
I sat on the edge of the tub, waiting. This cannot happen to me. Not now. I had managed to make it through high school, undergrad, 2 years of work and law school without so much as a slipup. A month ago, I signed my contract of employment with the law firm, which contained the six figure salary that would be the key to my future. At 26, I already earned triple my parents salary. Now, when things were finally falling into place and the life I had dreamt of was within my grasp, I was possibly pregnant. This just cannot happen to me.
But the past two weeks had been a blur of cramps and nausea. When I wasn’t vomiting, I experienced hot flashes, cold flashes and embarrassing mood swings. Just that afternoon, I had cried at the firm’s lunch conference, frustrated that my coworker nabbed the last brownie.
So I bought the home pregnancy test and locked myself in my bathroom, praying that my good fortune hadn’t come to an end. I finally gathered my nerve and glanced at the window indicator. With two clear stripes of pink, my worst fears were confirmed.
What am I going to do? Simple. I have to hide it. Relying on my own flawed understanding, hiding it became the most logical conclusion in the world. Except for my husband, I just wouldn’t tell anyone. Never mind that I would eventually begin to show. Or that it was ludicrous for a professional married woman to hide a pregnancy. I only had one clear thought: there was no way I would let the firm know that they had just invested six figures in an attorney who would be taking maternity leave in 9 months.
I walked around with my little secret, ignoring the cause of my sudden unrelenting illness. Two weeks later, while sitting at my desk, I became overwhelmed with cramps. Worried, I rushed to the restroom. In the stall, I doubled over in pain, but clenched my teeth, determined to get through it. When the pain finally subsided, I noticed the spots. Blood. Oh no. Oh, God, no.
I ran back to my office, grabbed my purse and cell phone, mumbled something to my secretary, and left the building. In the car, I called the doctor.
“Doctor’s office. May I help you?”
“Yes. I am spotting. Pregnant. I need to see someone, now.”
“Where are you?”
“D.C.” The lights were taking forever to turn green. The people wouldn’t get out of the crosswalk. MOVE. Something is wrong with my baby.
“Go to our satellite office. It’s closer. I will phone ahead and tell them you’re coming.”
She gave me the directions. I tore through the city, my heart beating faster and my breath becoming shallow. I can’t lose my baby. It had never occurred to me that something bad could happen or that the baby wouldn’t make it. During that car ride, the “it” that had invaded my body, that I had barely spoken about and had tried to ignore with all my might, became my baby.
When I arrived at the office, the nurses escorted me to the back room for a sonogram. The head nurse arrived. It will be alright. It has to. She attempted to make small talk, but I didn’t hear a word. I prayed silently that I hadn’t neglected my poor child before she was ever given a chance.
“Mrs. Moore, you can get dressed.”
“Huh? You said the doctor would see me.”
“Yes, I did. But I don’t think he will need to perform a follow up sono, after all. He would like to talk with you in his office instead.
I nodded. He will just tell me that I need rest. I never get bad news at the doctor’s office, except for the stupid weigh in. It will be alright.
I pulled on my clothes and followed the nurse down the hall.
“Mrs. Moore, please have a seat.”
I glanced at the pleasant looking man before me and wondered how long this would take. I hope this is quick. I need to get back to work.
“Mrs. Moore, I am sorry to tell you this, but the fetus does not have a heart beat.”
A loud clap filled me ears, followed by the sound of cloth tearing. I shut my eyes and shook my head to clear my hearing. I couldn’t have heard him right. “I’m sorry,” I said with a little smile, scoffing at myself, “For some reason, I thought you said… I mean, I couldn’t really hear you. What did you say?
“Mrs. Moore, your fetus. There is no heartbeat.”
“What? No, that’s not right.”
“Yes, Mrs. Moore, we have the pictures of the sonogram right here. See the mass? There.” He tapped the circle at the bottom of the swirl of black and white. “I am afraid that is the fetus. It does not have a heartbeat. You will need to schedule an emergency D&C.”
“A what?”
His lips continued to move, as he carefully used technical words like fetus, mass and removal. My heart had stopped beating. My baby is dead. I had ignored her, had been ashamed of her. I had chosen the six figure salary over my precious baby. She wasn’t just a fetus or a mass. She was my child and I had lost her. I had cruelly neglected her very existence.
I felt my mouth open. I heard his stream of words abruptly halt. The cry from my soul must have shocked him, because he sat with his mouth open and eyes wide, while I loudly sobbed. The head nurse quickly entered the room and handed me tissue. I stood up to exit, my cries echoing through the office. As we walked past the other nurses and patients, they bent their heads together and whispered, their faces full of pity. I never felt more alone.
That evening I talked to my husband. We prayed. I called my girlfriends. We prayed. They formed a prayer circle and prayed. In the midst of prayer, someone suggested a second opinion. A few phone calls later revealed that a radiologist had an opening the following Monday. God please grant my baby a second chance. Please, God, grant me a second chance.
This time, my husband went with me. After a long wait, the moment finally arrived. If my child had passed away, at least I would get one last chance to see her, one last chance to apologize. The radiologist glanced through my chart and then began her search for the baby. Finally, we spotted her, a tiny tadpole shaped being.
“Do you see the red spot that keeps blinking?” asked the radiologist, a huge smile covering her face.
I nodded.
“That’s the baby’s heartbeat. She is fine.”
My husband bowed his head in relief. My child had been spared from a horrible mistake or granted a second chance at life. I will never know which. But I learned that my baby was a rare and precious gift, one that I would never again take for granted.
Bio:
Aisha K. Moore, Esq., pseudonym a.Kai, is a published poet and novelist who enjoys writing inspirational, fantasy, sci fi (speculative fiction), commercial and adult fiction. Her Discover Kai Poetry Collection is an intimate monthly log of experiences, emotions and reflection that consists of six published collections, including Cherished Beginnings, Intimate Musings, Internal Indulgences and Peaceful Resolution. She is a contributing poet to Step Up to the Mic: A Poetic Explosion (Poetic Press). Her poetry has been recognized in a number of magazines, book clubs and literary circles and is posted on a number of websites and blogs.
Her inspirational short story, Second Chance, has been published in True: Vol. 2 and her short story, The Marks, was published by The Writer’s Cafe’ Press in the anthology Light at the Edge of Darkness. A third short story, Mikki’s Anniversary, is included in the anthology If It Ain’t One Thing, It’s Another. She is a guest reviewer for RAWSISTAZ Book Club.
A wife and mother of five, Aisha graduated from Georgetown University Law Center and is licensed to practice in both Washington D.C. and Maryland. She is employed by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) where she works in employment discrimination matters. For more information, visit her at www.discoverkai.com, www.discoverkai.blogspot.com or www.myspace.com/discoverkai.
I sat on the edge of the tub, waiting. This cannot happen to me. Not now. I had managed to make it through high school, undergrad, 2 years of work and law school without so much as a slipup. A month ago, I signed my contract of employment with the law firm, which contained the six figure salary that would be the key to my future. At 26, I already earned triple my parents salary. Now, when things were finally falling into place and the life I had dreamt of was within my grasp, I was possibly pregnant. This just cannot happen to me.
But the past two weeks had been a blur of cramps and nausea. When I wasn’t vomiting, I experienced hot flashes, cold flashes and embarrassing mood swings. Just that afternoon, I had cried at the firm’s lunch conference, frustrated that my coworker nabbed the last brownie.
So I bought the home pregnancy test and locked myself in my bathroom, praying that my good fortune hadn’t come to an end. I finally gathered my nerve and glanced at the window indicator. With two clear stripes of pink, my worst fears were confirmed.
What am I going to do? Simple. I have to hide it. Relying on my own flawed understanding, hiding it became the most logical conclusion in the world. Except for my husband, I just wouldn’t tell anyone. Never mind that I would eventually begin to show. Or that it was ludicrous for a professional married woman to hide a pregnancy. I only had one clear thought: there was no way I would let the firm know that they had just invested six figures in an attorney who would be taking maternity leave in 9 months.
I walked around with my little secret, ignoring the cause of my sudden unrelenting illness. Two weeks later, while sitting at my desk, I became overwhelmed with cramps. Worried, I rushed to the restroom. In the stall, I doubled over in pain, but clenched my teeth, determined to get through it. When the pain finally subsided, I noticed the spots. Blood. Oh no. Oh, God, no.
I ran back to my office, grabbed my purse and cell phone, mumbled something to my secretary, and left the building. In the car, I called the doctor.
“Doctor’s office. May I help you?”
“Yes. I am spotting. Pregnant. I need to see someone, now.”
“Where are you?”
“D.C.” The lights were taking forever to turn green. The people wouldn’t get out of the crosswalk. MOVE. Something is wrong with my baby.
“Go to our satellite office. It’s closer. I will phone ahead and tell them you’re coming.”
She gave me the directions. I tore through the city, my heart beating faster and my breath becoming shallow. I can’t lose my baby. It had never occurred to me that something bad could happen or that the baby wouldn’t make it. During that car ride, the “it” that had invaded my body, that I had barely spoken about and had tried to ignore with all my might, became my baby.
When I arrived at the office, the nurses escorted me to the back room for a sonogram. The head nurse arrived. It will be alright. It has to. She attempted to make small talk, but I didn’t hear a word. I prayed silently that I hadn’t neglected my poor child before she was ever given a chance.
“Mrs. Moore, you can get dressed.”
“Huh? You said the doctor would see me.”
“Yes, I did. But I don’t think he will need to perform a follow up sono, after all. He would like to talk with you in his office instead.
I nodded. He will just tell me that I need rest. I never get bad news at the doctor’s office, except for the stupid weigh in. It will be alright.
I pulled on my clothes and followed the nurse down the hall.
“Mrs. Moore, please have a seat.”
I glanced at the pleasant looking man before me and wondered how long this would take. I hope this is quick. I need to get back to work.
“Mrs. Moore, I am sorry to tell you this, but the fetus does not have a heart beat.”
A loud clap filled me ears, followed by the sound of cloth tearing. I shut my eyes and shook my head to clear my hearing. I couldn’t have heard him right. “I’m sorry,” I said with a little smile, scoffing at myself, “For some reason, I thought you said… I mean, I couldn’t really hear you. What did you say?
“Mrs. Moore, your fetus. There is no heartbeat.”
“What? No, that’s not right.”
“Yes, Mrs. Moore, we have the pictures of the sonogram right here. See the mass? There.” He tapped the circle at the bottom of the swirl of black and white. “I am afraid that is the fetus. It does not have a heartbeat. You will need to schedule an emergency D&C.”
“A what?”
His lips continued to move, as he carefully used technical words like fetus, mass and removal. My heart had stopped beating. My baby is dead. I had ignored her, had been ashamed of her. I had chosen the six figure salary over my precious baby. She wasn’t just a fetus or a mass. She was my child and I had lost her. I had cruelly neglected her very existence.
I felt my mouth open. I heard his stream of words abruptly halt. The cry from my soul must have shocked him, because he sat with his mouth open and eyes wide, while I loudly sobbed. The head nurse quickly entered the room and handed me tissue. I stood up to exit, my cries echoing through the office. As we walked past the other nurses and patients, they bent their heads together and whispered, their faces full of pity. I never felt more alone.
That evening I talked to my husband. We prayed. I called my girlfriends. We prayed. They formed a prayer circle and prayed. In the midst of prayer, someone suggested a second opinion. A few phone calls later revealed that a radiologist had an opening the following Monday. God please grant my baby a second chance. Please, God, grant me a second chance.
This time, my husband went with me. After a long wait, the moment finally arrived. If my child had passed away, at least I would get one last chance to see her, one last chance to apologize. The radiologist glanced through my chart and then began her search for the baby. Finally, we spotted her, a tiny tadpole shaped being.
“Do you see the red spot that keeps blinking?” asked the radiologist, a huge smile covering her face.
I nodded.
“That’s the baby’s heartbeat. She is fine.”
My husband bowed his head in relief. My child had been spared from a horrible mistake or granted a second chance at life. I will never know which. But I learned that my baby was a rare and precious gift, one that I would never again take for granted.
Bio:
Aisha K. Moore, Esq., pseudonym a.Kai, is a published poet and novelist who enjoys writing inspirational, fantasy, sci fi (speculative fiction), commercial and adult fiction. Her Discover Kai Poetry Collection is an intimate monthly log of experiences, emotions and reflection that consists of six published collections, including Cherished Beginnings, Intimate Musings, Internal Indulgences and Peaceful Resolution. She is a contributing poet to Step Up to the Mic: A Poetic Explosion (Poetic Press). Her poetry has been recognized in a number of magazines, book clubs and literary circles and is posted on a number of websites and blogs.
Her inspirational short story, Second Chance, has been published in True: Vol. 2 and her short story, The Marks, was published by The Writer’s Cafe’ Press in the anthology Light at the Edge of Darkness. A third short story, Mikki’s Anniversary, is included in the anthology If It Ain’t One Thing, It’s Another. She is a guest reviewer for RAWSISTAZ Book Club.
A wife and mother of five, Aisha graduated from Georgetown University Law Center and is licensed to practice in both Washington D.C. and Maryland. She is employed by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) where she works in employment discrimination matters. For more information, visit her at www.discoverkai.com, www.discoverkai.blogspot.com or www.myspace.com/discoverkai.
Tribute To Mothers
My Grandmother:
Soft Hands
Time has surrounded me
encumbered me
binding and strapping me
restricting my reach to memories
I cannot bring back the past
Oh, how I want to,
just to experience as
many of those moments of you
as I can
I am bound to the magnetic tunnel of time
unable to crack it
forward motion never stopping, never releasing me
I cannot get extra
cannot stretch out this second, moment, minute
see?
it is already gone
I just want to see her again.
Just one more time
hear the tinkling laugh
the gentle voice
hold the soft hand that felt like
the bottom of a newborns foot
The hands that would place me in her lap,
rub my back, pray over me and
cover me with love
God inspired protection
Annie Ophelia
I miss you, but I understand
you have been released and
the pain is finally gone
But every now and then, in my dreams
I am that little girl again
in endless love with
her beautiful grandmother
holding onto your soft, soft hand....
My Daughters:
Achieve, Little Girl
You can achieve the unlimited
Capable of dreams and imaginings
unthinkable to
generations past
Soar, little girl, soar
I see you and I know you
only self doubt and deception
can steal your love and being
stand in your way
only you can stop you
Fight through it, little girl, please
Press, press, press forward
to the promised destiny
fulfilling generations of prayers
tied supernaturally to divine faith
It's yours, little girl
it belongs to you
step into it with
inherent entitlement
grasp and hold on through
certain controversy and
designed distraction
Be blessed, little girl
be blessed
knowing it is not impossible
rather, it is predetermined and
very necessary for you to
fulfill that dream
achieve unlimited heights
clear paths for future legacy.
I love you, little girl, I do.
My Baby Girl
You are filled with a unique essence
you exude deep loves joy
your being rhythmically inspired and musically imbued
I am simply amazed by your very existence
Baby girl, in my womb you twisted and turned
rocked to inner dimensions clear vibrations
molding your natural melody and
developing intellectual prowess
your internal beat and flow
so different yet so perfect
Now I watch you
dance and spin
bounce and hop
twirl and tumble
climb and fall
nod your head and close your young eyes
rocking to the precious savory personal tune
He has instilled within your spirit
Your phenomenal radiation
simply unspeakable
a pure cosmically manifested essence
you are my life
On Being A Mother:
A Mother
I am a mother
Can you imagine that?
unbelievable
I still find myself amazed that
in His infinite wisdom
He chose me
looked upon me and smiled
decided to bless
with morsels of His light
that shine golden
spread brilliant
reflect lovely
I am a mother
so undeserving yet
so completely thankful
reaping joy in each accomplishment
mending my heart, strengthening my soul
trying to encourage
behind each and every disappointment
This love is indescribable
breathtaking and sincere
all consuming
I will give my life
my heart
my mind
my essence
my all
to mold these phenomenal spirits
into the unique vessels
they were destined to be
I am a mother
To My Eldest, who is leaving for college:
My Young Black Man
An entire future is
waiting for you
breathless with anticipation
hoping, praying, pleading
for you to stay on track
My young black man
The boy in you is
growing up, maturing
changing and expanding
discovering talents
developing skills
You were purposely
hidden in the shadows
your gifts apparent
your uniqueness so identifiable
I hid you in the depths of my heart
for protection
minimizing exposure
keeping your world small
to allow you to
plant roots and
grow firm
Maybe it wasn't right
but it was the best I could do
Now you emerge
split through the timid form
stepping forth a man
exuding strength and character
calm and love
fulfillment and destiny
just a stones throw away
Hang on, my young black man
please follow your path
be careful with your life
treat your being with respect
remain prayerfully diligent
that your way is lighted,
path predetermined
success guaranteed
My Baby Boy:
Baby Jordan
10 months of peace and calm
This special baby
residing in me
caused my spirit to
be still
turmoil to subside
he brought me
peace
It nestled into my essence
contaminated every fiber
consumed all ill will
confusion and mistrust
I had never experienced it before
Did not know that life could be quiet
that joy existed in each ray of sunlight
trickling through a sparkling window
Contentment presented itself in the
regularity of morning, noon and night
calm emerged as a blanket of safety and
cloak of security
This special baby
like the sprinkling of cool waters
in the midst of a fierce sun
and the calm lapping of lakes
against overflowing banks
Jordan,
my unique deliverer of peace
Soft Hands
Time has surrounded me
encumbered me
binding and strapping me
restricting my reach to memories
I cannot bring back the past
Oh, how I want to,
just to experience as
many of those moments of you
as I can
I am bound to the magnetic tunnel of time
unable to crack it
forward motion never stopping, never releasing me
I cannot get extra
cannot stretch out this second, moment, minute
see?
it is already gone
I just want to see her again.
Just one more time
hear the tinkling laugh
the gentle voice
hold the soft hand that felt like
the bottom of a newborns foot
The hands that would place me in her lap,
rub my back, pray over me and
cover me with love
God inspired protection
Annie Ophelia
I miss you, but I understand
you have been released and
the pain is finally gone
But every now and then, in my dreams
I am that little girl again
in endless love with
her beautiful grandmother
holding onto your soft, soft hand....
My Daughters:
Achieve, Little Girl
You can achieve the unlimited
Capable of dreams and imaginings
unthinkable to
generations past
Soar, little girl, soar
I see you and I know you
only self doubt and deception
can steal your love and being
stand in your way
only you can stop you
Fight through it, little girl, please
Press, press, press forward
to the promised destiny
fulfilling generations of prayers
tied supernaturally to divine faith
It's yours, little girl
it belongs to you
step into it with
inherent entitlement
grasp and hold on through
certain controversy and
designed distraction
Be blessed, little girl
be blessed
knowing it is not impossible
rather, it is predetermined and
very necessary for you to
fulfill that dream
achieve unlimited heights
clear paths for future legacy.
I love you, little girl, I do.
My Baby Girl
You are filled with a unique essence
you exude deep loves joy
your being rhythmically inspired and musically imbued
I am simply amazed by your very existence
Baby girl, in my womb you twisted and turned
rocked to inner dimensions clear vibrations
molding your natural melody and
developing intellectual prowess
your internal beat and flow
so different yet so perfect
Now I watch you
dance and spin
bounce and hop
twirl and tumble
climb and fall
nod your head and close your young eyes
rocking to the precious savory personal tune
He has instilled within your spirit
Your phenomenal radiation
simply unspeakable
a pure cosmically manifested essence
you are my life
On Being A Mother:
A Mother
I am a mother
Can you imagine that?
unbelievable
I still find myself amazed that
in His infinite wisdom
He chose me
looked upon me and smiled
decided to bless
with morsels of His light
that shine golden
spread brilliant
reflect lovely
I am a mother
so undeserving yet
so completely thankful
reaping joy in each accomplishment
mending my heart, strengthening my soul
trying to encourage
behind each and every disappointment
This love is indescribable
breathtaking and sincere
all consuming
I will give my life
my heart
my mind
my essence
my all
to mold these phenomenal spirits
into the unique vessels
they were destined to be
I am a mother
To My Eldest, who is leaving for college:
My Young Black Man
An entire future is
waiting for you
breathless with anticipation
hoping, praying, pleading
for you to stay on track
My young black man
The boy in you is
growing up, maturing
changing and expanding
discovering talents
developing skills
You were purposely
hidden in the shadows
your gifts apparent
your uniqueness so identifiable
I hid you in the depths of my heart
for protection
minimizing exposure
keeping your world small
to allow you to
plant roots and
grow firm
Maybe it wasn't right
but it was the best I could do
Now you emerge
split through the timid form
stepping forth a man
exuding strength and character
calm and love
fulfillment and destiny
just a stones throw away
Hang on, my young black man
please follow your path
be careful with your life
treat your being with respect
remain prayerfully diligent
that your way is lighted,
path predetermined
success guaranteed
My Baby Boy:
Baby Jordan
10 months of peace and calm
This special baby
residing in me
caused my spirit to
be still
turmoil to subside
he brought me
peace
It nestled into my essence
contaminated every fiber
consumed all ill will
confusion and mistrust
I had never experienced it before
Did not know that life could be quiet
that joy existed in each ray of sunlight
trickling through a sparkling window
Contentment presented itself in the
regularity of morning, noon and night
calm emerged as a blanket of safety and
cloak of security
This special baby
like the sprinkling of cool waters
in the midst of a fierce sun
and the calm lapping of lakes
against overflowing banks
Jordan,
my unique deliverer of peace
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Breathed You
Your exhale
became my inhale
my intake
my access to your
very essence
adoring you inner core
so in love
I simply
breathed you
became my inhale
my intake
my access to your
very essence
adoring you inner core
so in love
I simply
breathed you
Monday, May 12, 2008
The Test
He tested the waters
dipped a finger in to
judge the level of my heat
the clarity of my response
the solidness of my answers
But, no more tests for me
deciding I am ready
for all that he has to offer
if he is ready
to accept me on my terms
meaning
he can never have
all of me
what I can carve out and
steal away
is all that I can offer
He threw out the bait
to see if I would bite
Instead I grabbed hold of the line
wrapped the cord around my body
and hoped when he felt my tug
he would reel up my entirety
He didn't
the tug too strong
the obvious too apparent
he took a taste test
but when my desire stung his tongue
he spit me out
and turned his back
dipped a finger in to
judge the level of my heat
the clarity of my response
the solidness of my answers
But, no more tests for me
deciding I am ready
for all that he has to offer
if he is ready
to accept me on my terms
meaning
he can never have
all of me
what I can carve out and
steal away
is all that I can offer
He threw out the bait
to see if I would bite
Instead I grabbed hold of the line
wrapped the cord around my body
and hoped when he felt my tug
he would reel up my entirety
He didn't
the tug too strong
the obvious too apparent
he took a taste test
but when my desire stung his tongue
he spit me out
and turned his back
Friday, May 09, 2008
Believe Me Weak
too safe
my love has been
patient
trying to understand
desperately wanting to communicate
to receive back one fraction of
the undisputed support
I've poured out
But you assume me weak
Because I forgave
repented to keep the peace
struggled to learn
in hope of pleasing
in hope of satiating
choosing you
over me
You think me weak
Its a mistake
to not recognize my power
the innate strength that has kept me alive
despite you
despite them
despite it all
that inexplicable thing that still lets me love
despite you
despite them
despite it all
my love has been too easy
and you assume I will always be here
forgetting that
at the root of it all
I am a woman
I am a woman
I am a woman
and while your rude neglect
and passive aggressive attacks
silent attempts to harm
devious actions to undermine
may seem to keep you on top
in power
and
victorious
because you think me confused
weak and easy
my love is twofold
my needs will be met
my desires will be fulfilled
my dreams will be accomplished
my body will receive the wanted touch
my fllame will always burn
while you believe me weak
my love has been
patient
trying to understand
desperately wanting to communicate
to receive back one fraction of
the undisputed support
I've poured out
But you assume me weak
Because I forgave
repented to keep the peace
struggled to learn
in hope of pleasing
in hope of satiating
choosing you
over me
You think me weak
Its a mistake
to not recognize my power
the innate strength that has kept me alive
despite you
despite them
despite it all
that inexplicable thing that still lets me love
despite you
despite them
despite it all
my love has been too easy
and you assume I will always be here
forgetting that
at the root of it all
I am a woman
I am a woman
I am a woman
and while your rude neglect
and passive aggressive attacks
silent attempts to harm
devious actions to undermine
may seem to keep you on top
in power
and
victorious
because you think me confused
weak and easy
my love is twofold
my needs will be met
my desires will be fulfilled
my dreams will be accomplished
my body will receive the wanted touch
my fllame will always burn
while you believe me weak
Monday, May 05, 2008
Slow to Speak
So much I wanted to tell him
so much I needed to say
in all that time the
words wouldn't come
because of shyness
of anticipated rejection
or just complete denial that I was
absorbed in loves grip
I wanted to tell him
I thought him beautiful
and uniquely special
worthy and so genuinely entitled
i hoped his future would
open an oasis of dreams realized
and his life
would be a painted canvas of rich hues and
colorful inspirations
I wanted to admit that I loved him and
always would
that his eyes on me
melted my inner core
turned solid rock into thick churning lava
made the pounding of my breath a mere echo
of the deep current flowing through me
I wanted to whisper that he was forever mine
or I was forever his
forever what he needed me to be
forever willing to
renew me
respin this
restyle us
just to see his shy grin and
quiet smile
just to have him focused on me
i would hand over the world
for him
But I never said it
because i never thought
I would run out of time
I didn't know that
the seconds move forward and
you can't reach back
rewind
recapture those tender moments and
lovely spaces and
memorialize them anywhere other
than the chamber of my heart
from which I now speak
So much I wanted to tell him
but, suddenly, one day
we were in different hemispheres
life abruptly switched tracks and
redirected our focus
and every word unspoken
hidden within my hesitant soul
had already found
its eternal resting place
damnit,
I had so much
I wanted to tell him
so much I needed to say
in all that time the
words wouldn't come
because of shyness
of anticipated rejection
or just complete denial that I was
absorbed in loves grip
I wanted to tell him
I thought him beautiful
and uniquely special
worthy and so genuinely entitled
i hoped his future would
open an oasis of dreams realized
and his life
would be a painted canvas of rich hues and
colorful inspirations
I wanted to admit that I loved him and
always would
that his eyes on me
melted my inner core
turned solid rock into thick churning lava
made the pounding of my breath a mere echo
of the deep current flowing through me
I wanted to whisper that he was forever mine
or I was forever his
forever what he needed me to be
forever willing to
renew me
respin this
restyle us
just to see his shy grin and
quiet smile
just to have him focused on me
i would hand over the world
for him
But I never said it
because i never thought
I would run out of time
I didn't know that
the seconds move forward and
you can't reach back
rewind
recapture those tender moments and
lovely spaces and
memorialize them anywhere other
than the chamber of my heart
from which I now speak
So much I wanted to tell him
but, suddenly, one day
we were in different hemispheres
life abruptly switched tracks and
redirected our focus
and every word unspoken
hidden within my hesitant soul
had already found
its eternal resting place
damnit,
I had so much
I wanted to tell him
Stay Away
You are forbidden
off limits and
unacceptable
yet you radiate such a
raw heat
a wanting desire
an unharnessed sensual energy
it loudly summons me
calls to me
distracts my perceptions and
interferes with my logic
I am scared of you
afraid of you
of I
of what I would do
of what we could do
be
where we would begin
the drowning satisfaction that
would lead to
what end?
how explosive this
infusion would be
until
stretching and morphing
and imploding into
something disastrous
painful
terrible
hateful
Lust like this
doesn't lead to healthy
or sane
it leads to tears and
threats
heartburn and
fights
painful words and
verbal lashings
paranoia and stalking
never getting enough
always needing more
hating the longing
but addicted
so addicted
I know me
how addicted to you
I would be
so please stay away
keep your forbidden self
as far from me
as possible
give me a chance
at clarity
at reality
at the mundane boring stability
of normal love and normal life
just promise
to keep your white hot
insatiable flame
away from me
off limits and
unacceptable
yet you radiate such a
raw heat
a wanting desire
an unharnessed sensual energy
it loudly summons me
calls to me
distracts my perceptions and
interferes with my logic
I am scared of you
afraid of you
of I
of what I would do
of what we could do
be
where we would begin
the drowning satisfaction that
would lead to
what end?
how explosive this
infusion would be
until
stretching and morphing
and imploding into
something disastrous
painful
terrible
hateful
Lust like this
doesn't lead to healthy
or sane
it leads to tears and
threats
heartburn and
fights
painful words and
verbal lashings
paranoia and stalking
never getting enough
always needing more
hating the longing
but addicted
so addicted
I know me
how addicted to you
I would be
so please stay away
keep your forbidden self
as far from me
as possible
give me a chance
at clarity
at reality
at the mundane boring stability
of normal love and normal life
just promise
to keep your white hot
insatiable flame
away from me
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Still Linger
Is it possible
that after all the woman
all the forbidden kisses and
unmentionable rendevous
after all the broken promises and
callous lies
the conquered quests and
intimate encounters
After all that you have tasted
touched
savored
and marinated in
After all the lust
I still linger in your mind
Is that really possible?
that after all the woman
all the forbidden kisses and
unmentionable rendevous
after all the broken promises and
callous lies
the conquered quests and
intimate encounters
After all that you have tasted
touched
savored
and marinated in
After all the lust
I still linger in your mind
Is that really possible?
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Celebrate
I want to celebrate you
want to wrap my arms
around your fullness and
bury my head in your chest
my heart in your spirit
my mind in your knowledge
my soul in your wonder
I want to celebrate with dignity
covering our weak spots
by glorifying the strong stretches
the links that bond
the bridge
that is you
crossing into peace and prosperity
wealth measured in
bountifulness and expansion
seedlings and future
you have made me
rich
I want to celebrate
loving you
wanting you
needing you
rejoicing in you
I want to celebrate you
want to wrap my arms
around your fullness and
bury my head in your chest
my heart in your spirit
my mind in your knowledge
my soul in your wonder
I want to celebrate with dignity
covering our weak spots
by glorifying the strong stretches
the links that bond
the bridge
that is you
crossing into peace and prosperity
wealth measured in
bountifulness and expansion
seedlings and future
you have made me
rich
I want to celebrate
loving you
wanting you
needing you
rejoicing in you
I want to celebrate you
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Dim
Like black spots
by the dazzling sun
stinging to stare directly
torturing to take on its blaze
but unable to turn away
I was so in love
with you
that even now it
blows my mind
amazes me
dazzles me
that I could be so open
and fascinated
certain and
taken...
blinded,
looking away when love
damaged the retina and
forever blurred my sight
but, compared to your
magnificent love
everything else after you
seemed so
dim-
by the dazzling sun
stinging to stare directly
torturing to take on its blaze
but unable to turn away
I was so in love
with you
that even now it
blows my mind
amazes me
dazzles me
that I could be so open
and fascinated
certain and
taken...
blinded,
looking away when love
damaged the retina and
forever blurred my sight
but, compared to your
magnificent love
everything else after you
seemed so
dim-
Monday, April 21, 2008
For You
This kiss
is for you
riding on the wind
of my love
on the spirit of my hope
my belief
my dream
of the perfection of you
This kiss
is everything
I have
that I am
that I will be
Within this kiss
I have wrapped my essence
your magnifiscence
my amazement
your sincerity
my distraction
I am enamored by you
enthralled by you
enraptured by you
breathing in the
intimate scent of you
tasting the
masculine wonder of you
I can't explain it
can't express it
no words to put to it
no rhythm that quite captures it
but this kiss
this kiss is for you
is for you
riding on the wind
of my love
on the spirit of my hope
my belief
my dream
of the perfection of you
This kiss
is everything
I have
that I am
that I will be
Within this kiss
I have wrapped my essence
your magnifiscence
my amazement
your sincerity
my distraction
I am enamored by you
enthralled by you
enraptured by you
breathing in the
intimate scent of you
tasting the
masculine wonder of you
I can't explain it
can't express it
no words to put to it
no rhythm that quite captures it
but this kiss
this kiss is for you
Depression
Filled with the inexplicable sadness
that flows from the spirit
when something is wrong
but you can't quite locate it
acknowledge it
figure out what is making you so
empty
void
black
Feeling unprotected and
unimportant
unworthy and
unattractive
Suddenly sad
so very sad
wanting to protect my family and
be what they need
but so sure i will fail
have failed
have dipped my finger into
the delectable vat of sin
and swirled
enjoyed its taste
marinated in its
luscious thickness
and now the resiude
forever stains me
I am feeling lost
but this time,
I know this trap
recognize this space
clawing desperately to
break free
from depressions neverending trap.
that flows from the spirit
when something is wrong
but you can't quite locate it
acknowledge it
figure out what is making you so
empty
void
black
Feeling unprotected and
unimportant
unworthy and
unattractive
Suddenly sad
so very sad
wanting to protect my family and
be what they need
but so sure i will fail
have failed
have dipped my finger into
the delectable vat of sin
and swirled
enjoyed its taste
marinated in its
luscious thickness
and now the resiude
forever stains me
I am feeling lost
but this time,
I know this trap
recognize this space
clawing desperately to
break free
from depressions neverending trap.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Won't
A choice
I guess that's what it was
to write
or to be ____
filling in the blank
still left little choices
still left me empty
while he says the opposite
the message is clear
to receive love, my talents
cannot be on display
my visions must be silenced
my dark form
must only be his shadow
the price for love is not
plainly stated
its made clear in the
lack of acknowledgement
failure to respond
hesitance to support
refusal to read
so the proposal has been made
a choice obviously necessary
but i won't silence my heart
won't close up my mind
won't tuck away the blossoming me
to save this love
I won't
I guess that's what it was
to write
or to be ____
filling in the blank
still left little choices
still left me empty
while he says the opposite
the message is clear
to receive love, my talents
cannot be on display
my visions must be silenced
my dark form
must only be his shadow
the price for love is not
plainly stated
its made clear in the
lack of acknowledgement
failure to respond
hesitance to support
refusal to read
so the proposal has been made
a choice obviously necessary
but i won't silence my heart
won't close up my mind
won't tuck away the blossoming me
to save this love
I won't
Resigning calm
Resignation
with resignation comes
calm, even contemplation
the remains of a
tired soul
a spent muse
energy bounded together and
neatly packaged, perfectly formed
removing the frayed edges
which are emotion:
heartache, love, confusion and hope
I no longer hope
no longer wait for change or
dare to believe that there is difference
every word brings us back
forming a tight circle,
a strangling noose
a spiral of pain resurfacing, never changing
because you focus blame on me
but resignation brings
a strange sort of calm
a powerful detachment
now I'm redirecting my energies
my love
toward rivers
that run to beautiful oceans
sparkling and crisp
full of life and eternal wonders
instead of pooling lifelessly
uselessly
in the dark marshy swamp
that is your heart
with resignation comes
calm, even contemplation
the remains of a
tired soul
a spent muse
energy bounded together and
neatly packaged, perfectly formed
removing the frayed edges
which are emotion:
heartache, love, confusion and hope
I no longer hope
no longer wait for change or
dare to believe that there is difference
every word brings us back
forming a tight circle,
a strangling noose
a spiral of pain resurfacing, never changing
because you focus blame on me
but resignation brings
a strange sort of calm
a powerful detachment
now I'm redirecting my energies
my love
toward rivers
that run to beautiful oceans
sparkling and crisp
full of life and eternal wonders
instead of pooling lifelessly
uselessly
in the dark marshy swamp
that is your heart
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
This Life of Mine
I need a new plan
a new strategy
for this life that I'm living
this plank that I'm walking
The people i love
knife me repeatedly
spit in my face
kick at my soul
and i excuse them
tiptoe around them
knowing that the fault is mine
because my existence is repugnant
my being, simply repulsive
But, unlovable though I feel
its no longer an excuse
no longer a viable option
to swallow the pain and press on
to forgive the unthinkable
to keep the peace
because pure love flows through me
manifests from me
creates something distinct
lovely and memorable within me
births creation and destiny
from me
Making me worth
at least a little something
deserving of
a little more
so I am claiming it
praying for it
seeking a better way
another option
a new plan
for this life of mine.
a new strategy
for this life that I'm living
this plank that I'm walking
The people i love
knife me repeatedly
spit in my face
kick at my soul
and i excuse them
tiptoe around them
knowing that the fault is mine
because my existence is repugnant
my being, simply repulsive
But, unlovable though I feel
its no longer an excuse
no longer a viable option
to swallow the pain and press on
to forgive the unthinkable
to keep the peace
because pure love flows through me
manifests from me
creates something distinct
lovely and memorable within me
births creation and destiny
from me
Making me worth
at least a little something
deserving of
a little more
so I am claiming it
praying for it
seeking a better way
another option
a new plan
for this life of mine.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Simply You
It was you
and I just realized it
You
who disturbed
the stillness of my life
tore through my dull serenity
like a throbbing hunger
a potent implosion
You
generating a magnetic pull
a deep spiritual tug
buried in the back of my mind
waiting for its
calling, its inevitable wakening
You
reminding me of love
of soft touch
of secret delight
You
sending chills up my spine
and quiet grins of anticipation
promise of physical freedom
exhilaration
creating goosebumps and
longing promise of
caresses through the night
It took one look
into the deep swell of your eyes
the hesitant pause
that overwhelmed us both
captured us both and
I finally put my finger on it
the cause is you
Simply you.
and I just realized it
You
who disturbed
the stillness of my life
tore through my dull serenity
like a throbbing hunger
a potent implosion
You
generating a magnetic pull
a deep spiritual tug
buried in the back of my mind
waiting for its
calling, its inevitable wakening
You
reminding me of love
of soft touch
of secret delight
You
sending chills up my spine
and quiet grins of anticipation
promise of physical freedom
exhilaration
creating goosebumps and
longing promise of
caresses through the night
It took one look
into the deep swell of your eyes
the hesitant pause
that overwhelmed us both
captured us both and
I finally put my finger on it
the cause is you
Simply you.
Friday, April 11, 2008
All Yours
What if I told you
I thought you beautiful
statuesque
heavenly
godly
What it I wanted to
touch your hair
rub your scalp
massage your head
the back of your neck
What if I admitted
that your smile made my heart stop
made my breathe short
that I looked for you
each and every day
laying eyes on you
reset me
realigned me
righted me
What if I confessed that
I so desperately wanted to tell you
to talk to you
to hear your raspy voice
one more time
speaking to me
in friendly tones and loving words
What if I told you
I was all yours.
I thought you beautiful
statuesque
heavenly
godly
What it I wanted to
touch your hair
rub your scalp
massage your head
the back of your neck
What if I admitted
that your smile made my heart stop
made my breathe short
that I looked for you
each and every day
laying eyes on you
reset me
realigned me
righted me
What if I confessed that
I so desperately wanted to tell you
to talk to you
to hear your raspy voice
one more time
speaking to me
in friendly tones and loving words
What if I told you
I was all yours.
Nothing At All
He thought I was playing games
I see that now
Thought I wanted to have my cake
and devour it too
He saw my indecision
as manipulating
playing
teasing
designed to lure in more than one
engage with more than one
enjoy much more than one
But it wasn't
I didn't know where he stood
the signs floating past me
like fog in the wind and I
was afraid to let go
to try, to challenge
to believe in him
because
who believes in them?
I wasn't disingenuous
but thought my love was
too free, too open, so dangerous
so I reserved some piece of me
in the fun of it all
in the thrill of the chase
but when he found out
he seemed betrayed
and suddenly demanding all
he chose nothing at all.
I see that now
Thought I wanted to have my cake
and devour it too
He saw my indecision
as manipulating
playing
teasing
designed to lure in more than one
engage with more than one
enjoy much more than one
But it wasn't
I didn't know where he stood
the signs floating past me
like fog in the wind and I
was afraid to let go
to try, to challenge
to believe in him
because
who believes in them?
I wasn't disingenuous
but thought my love was
too free, too open, so dangerous
so I reserved some piece of me
in the fun of it all
in the thrill of the chase
but when he found out
he seemed betrayed
and suddenly demanding all
he chose nothing at all.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Finally Living
It was so hard
then
difficult
impossible to breathe
to smile
to laugh
to relax
to enjoy
to live
Nightmares flooding my mind
panic crowding my thoughts
no exercise in fatih
no understanding of peace
My young life
seemed so painful
somewhat hopeless
then
It is easier
now
simpler now
savoring each moment
stretching each minute
thinking back without regret
longing without shame
loving without harm
reminscing without scars
dreaming without doubt
pursuing without fear
hungry for the future
living
living
I'm finally living
It is so much easier
now
then
difficult
impossible to breathe
to smile
to laugh
to relax
to enjoy
to live
Nightmares flooding my mind
panic crowding my thoughts
no exercise in fatih
no understanding of peace
My young life
seemed so painful
somewhat hopeless
then
It is easier
now
simpler now
savoring each moment
stretching each minute
thinking back without regret
longing without shame
loving without harm
reminscing without scars
dreaming without doubt
pursuing without fear
hungry for the future
living
living
I'm finally living
It is so much easier
now
Mean Something
I was about to die.
The truth blew threw me
in an uncomplicated way
no fear, no panic
just disappointment
that this was how my life
would end
The explosion of
mangled metal tore through the air
but with the realization of death
came silence
as my body lifted out of the seat
time stood still
a million thoughts, memories
experiences
flooded my mind
I would never get to college
my mother would never forgive me
I hadn't forgiven my father
how would my grandmother
survive the news
why hadn't i put on a seatbelt
what had my 17 years meant
to anyone?
Dear God. Please God. I need more time...
There was no pain
as time replaced itself
and my airborne seconds ended
when my head
crashed into an unseen barrier
Everything went black
But, eventually, my eyes opened
I was still here
He had given me
another chance
to make this life
mean something...
The truth blew threw me
in an uncomplicated way
no fear, no panic
just disappointment
that this was how my life
would end
The explosion of
mangled metal tore through the air
but with the realization of death
came silence
as my body lifted out of the seat
time stood still
a million thoughts, memories
experiences
flooded my mind
I would never get to college
my mother would never forgive me
I hadn't forgiven my father
how would my grandmother
survive the news
why hadn't i put on a seatbelt
what had my 17 years meant
to anyone?
Dear God. Please God. I need more time...
There was no pain
as time replaced itself
and my airborne seconds ended
when my head
crashed into an unseen barrier
Everything went black
But, eventually, my eyes opened
I was still here
He had given me
another chance
to make this life
mean something...
Friday, April 04, 2008
Unfulfilled
Can't you tell
I miss you
don't I
feel dry, withdrawn
isn't my space less cozy
my air less vibrant
my muse less sensual
I didn't make the connection
until sandpaper poured from my pen
scratched across my surface
and presented itself
in another dry poem
You
I miss you
you have left me
moved on or perhaps
forgotten
but the raw energy
you inspire in me
causes my fingertips to quiver as
bountiful sensuality
oozes from my pen
stimulates my mind and
enthralls my being
But without you
without the simple sight of you
I have retreated to dry
boring and
unfulfilled
my spark is gone
I miss you
don't I
feel dry, withdrawn
isn't my space less cozy
my air less vibrant
my muse less sensual
I didn't make the connection
until sandpaper poured from my pen
scratched across my surface
and presented itself
in another dry poem
You
I miss you
you have left me
moved on or perhaps
forgotten
but the raw energy
you inspire in me
causes my fingertips to quiver as
bountiful sensuality
oozes from my pen
stimulates my mind and
enthralls my being
But without you
without the simple sight of you
I have retreated to dry
boring and
unfulfilled
my spark is gone
Loose Lips
He loosely drops
a hundred words
a minute
letting them carelessly
flow
from his lips
without measure
restraint or thought
he talks to hear himself
impress himself
convince himself that the
timid little boy within has
finally been destroyed and
the braggadocio, older version of him
is better
stronger
more likable
But I used to love the boy
took comfort in his quiet
in his determination
in that unsteady confidence gained from
being alone and
knowing its alrite
Now I stand here
grimacing
looking for an exit
a polite way to disappear
and remove myself
from this man
this mirror of his former self
with loose lips
spewing a continuous stream of
nonsensical wordage
in an attempt
to deflect speculation
from himself
a hundred words
a minute
letting them carelessly
flow
from his lips
without measure
restraint or thought
he talks to hear himself
impress himself
convince himself that the
timid little boy within has
finally been destroyed and
the braggadocio, older version of him
is better
stronger
more likable
But I used to love the boy
took comfort in his quiet
in his determination
in that unsteady confidence gained from
being alone and
knowing its alrite
Now I stand here
grimacing
looking for an exit
a polite way to disappear
and remove myself
from this man
this mirror of his former self
with loose lips
spewing a continuous stream of
nonsensical wordage
in an attempt
to deflect speculation
from himself
Thursday, April 03, 2008
An Old Soul
An old soul
or a wizened spirit
either way
her knowledge runs deep
like the rivers of ancient lands
her eyes sweep over me
and determine my anguish
understand my pain
her hands gently stroke my arm
as she seeks to calm me
to sympathize with me
this ageless soul
residing in such
a petite body
a tiny frame
I look down
meet her eyes
and see me
the me I used to be
when I had hope
and truly understood love
before abandonment painted me
pessimistic
and death taught me
callous truth
she is beautiful
such an old soul
such a heavy spirit
my special daughter
infusing purity into
my whirlwind reality
I wonder if she is
my protector
my encourager
if He knew I needed a reason
to keep trudging
to keep trying
and delivered this beautiful gift
to keep me aware
alive
encouraged
inspired
or a wizened spirit
either way
her knowledge runs deep
like the rivers of ancient lands
her eyes sweep over me
and determine my anguish
understand my pain
her hands gently stroke my arm
as she seeks to calm me
to sympathize with me
this ageless soul
residing in such
a petite body
a tiny frame
I look down
meet her eyes
and see me
the me I used to be
when I had hope
and truly understood love
before abandonment painted me
pessimistic
and death taught me
callous truth
she is beautiful
such an old soul
such a heavy spirit
my special daughter
infusing purity into
my whirlwind reality
I wonder if she is
my protector
my encourager
if He knew I needed a reason
to keep trudging
to keep trying
and delivered this beautiful gift
to keep me aware
alive
encouraged
inspired
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
If I Let You Go
If i let you go
will you come back to me
think on what we are
and long to have it near
hold me close
reminisce on romantic bliss
and seek creative ways to recreate
our passion
our lust
our love
Or, if i let you go
will you get caught up
ride the sway of the wind
following wherever it may lead
distracted by the fluttering of
every beautiful butterfly
every soft feminine scent
round firm touch
delicate luring promise
Do I really have you
Or are you just resting here
appeasing a permanent need
with the temporary seduction of me
What happens when i let you go?
will you come back to me
think on what we are
and long to have it near
hold me close
reminisce on romantic bliss
and seek creative ways to recreate
our passion
our lust
our love
Or, if i let you go
will you get caught up
ride the sway of the wind
following wherever it may lead
distracted by the fluttering of
every beautiful butterfly
every soft feminine scent
round firm touch
delicate luring promise
Do I really have you
Or are you just resting here
appeasing a permanent need
with the temporary seduction of me
What happens when i let you go?
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Simply Sexin
Making
Love
Intimately
So different from
simply sexin
something you
never seemed to understand
but he got it right
the first time
That the act
could be so much more
Sensual
Seductive
Stimulating
Not just
obligatory kisses
expected gropes
before premature thrusts
What took us minutes
stretched into
thrilling hours
feather light strokes and
perfectly positioned massages
listening to my breathing
understanding the deep inhales and
responding perfectly to
the quick gasps
holding me close
eyes open
lips near
on
around...
teaching me a
never forgotten lesson
a cherished soulful experience
making love intimately
is so different
from simple sexin...
a lesson i am sure
you will never truly learn
Love
Intimately
So different from
simply sexin
something you
never seemed to understand
but he got it right
the first time
That the act
could be so much more
Sensual
Seductive
Stimulating
Not just
obligatory kisses
expected gropes
before premature thrusts
What took us minutes
stretched into
thrilling hours
feather light strokes and
perfectly positioned massages
listening to my breathing
understanding the deep inhales and
responding perfectly to
the quick gasps
holding me close
eyes open
lips near
on
around...
teaching me a
never forgotten lesson
a cherished soulful experience
making love intimately
is so different
from simple sexin...
a lesson i am sure
you will never truly learn
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
The Gossip...
Its the gossip
Im sure of it
thats what is
bringing me down
slowing my vibe
making me feel lost
stranded
homeless and
clueless
Allergic to it
I have finally realized
as hate pours from others lips
and fills my ears
tickles my tongue
I initially savor it
taken in by its shock value
the delicious wrongness of it
feeling sinfully right
But inevitably
it fills my belly
like soggy bread
making me feel bloated
uncomfortable
disgusted and disappointed
for failing to maintain my diet
of nurturing speak
of verbal life and
word refreshment
instead of
poisoning my mind
my soul
my being
with all this
negative lingo
Its the gossip,
thats whats got me
sitting here reevaluating
and reacting
bowing my head
in shame
Im sure of it
thats what is
bringing me down
slowing my vibe
making me feel lost
stranded
homeless and
clueless
Allergic to it
I have finally realized
as hate pours from others lips
and fills my ears
tickles my tongue
I initially savor it
taken in by its shock value
the delicious wrongness of it
feeling sinfully right
But inevitably
it fills my belly
like soggy bread
making me feel bloated
uncomfortable
disgusted and disappointed
for failing to maintain my diet
of nurturing speak
of verbal life and
word refreshment
instead of
poisoning my mind
my soul
my being
with all this
negative lingo
Its the gossip,
thats whats got me
sitting here reevaluating
and reacting
bowing my head
in shame
Free?
Who are we
and what have we become
is love transcending
stretching
growin us?
or testing, aggravataing
destroying us?
Does loving of you
mean the sacrifice
of me
the denial of me
the rejection of me
Does loving me
mean the change of you
the loss of you
the disrespect of you
Who are we
now
is this what
we wanted to become?
or is desertion
from this love
this relationship
this tiring, taxing thing
the only way
to truly be free
and what have we become
is love transcending
stretching
growin us?
or testing, aggravataing
destroying us?
Does loving of you
mean the sacrifice
of me
the denial of me
the rejection of me
Does loving me
mean the change of you
the loss of you
the disrespect of you
Who are we
now
is this what
we wanted to become?
or is desertion
from this love
this relationship
this tiring, taxing thing
the only way
to truly be free
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Hostage
She held me hostage
captive
two nights before
freedom
Trunks full and car packed
well wisher's presents
scattered about the house
She said no.
Simply no.
She would not take me
to college
did not care about my
new Home by the Sea
full tuition scholarship
be damned
I wasn't ready
she wasn't ready
and
I wasn't worthy anyway.
48 hours of tears
pleading and begging
her final choke hold
my last chance at salvation
finally, tears dried
I accepted my fate
I would never escape
would never enjoy that
long anticipated exhale
that's when he loaded my things
silently placed me in the car
and drove me away
from my captured cell
captive
two nights before
freedom
Trunks full and car packed
well wisher's presents
scattered about the house
She said no.
Simply no.
She would not take me
to college
did not care about my
new Home by the Sea
full tuition scholarship
be damned
I wasn't ready
she wasn't ready
and
I wasn't worthy anyway.
48 hours of tears
pleading and begging
her final choke hold
my last chance at salvation
finally, tears dried
I accepted my fate
I would never escape
would never enjoy that
long anticipated exhale
that's when he loaded my things
silently placed me in the car
and drove me away
from my captured cell
Without Shame
I bes that
pimps daughter
the Vietnam Vets seed
the culmination of
loves failed attempt to
restore the soul
of normalcy
desperately trying to recover
from reality
I bes that
good girls first born
but subsequently
her one and only
teaching and trying
struggling and praying
believing that
love was the
key to completeness
but heartache
ripped
a brand new chasm
falling into
depressions permanent despair
I bes that
raw mans sister
those street hustlers cousin
that gang bangers neice
the middle woman to
two separate worlds
my other peoples
my southern roots
all educated
all financially achieved
all politically correct
and socially tapped in
making me that
Delta's daughter
those many Que's neice
the Eastern Star Legacy
the Masonic Brothers relation
I bes that
all that I am
without shame
pimps daughter
the Vietnam Vets seed
the culmination of
loves failed attempt to
restore the soul
of normalcy
desperately trying to recover
from reality
I bes that
good girls first born
but subsequently
her one and only
teaching and trying
struggling and praying
believing that
love was the
key to completeness
but heartache
ripped
a brand new chasm
falling into
depressions permanent despair
I bes that
raw mans sister
those street hustlers cousin
that gang bangers neice
the middle woman to
two separate worlds
my other peoples
my southern roots
all educated
all financially achieved
all politically correct
and socially tapped in
making me that
Delta's daughter
those many Que's neice
the Eastern Star Legacy
the Masonic Brothers relation
I bes that
all that I am
without shame
Must Be Still
Still
Be still
my spirit is vexed
nervous and frustrated
promises made
that I have yet to keep
good intentions roping me
past financial constraints and
marital obligations
I must be still
Still
I must be still
Worried about my seed and
the vast plain that is his future
the sun rising, gently
but harsh elements
motivated by envy and hate
swirl against him
seek to undermine him, sabotage him
destroy him on a
national playing field
to vindicate their own
insecurities
and I am scared for him
Still
I must be still
Still
My spirit requests it
counsels it
demands it
I must be still
and allow Him
to clear my path
and lead my way.
Be still
my spirit is vexed
nervous and frustrated
promises made
that I have yet to keep
good intentions roping me
past financial constraints and
marital obligations
I must be still
Still
I must be still
Worried about my seed and
the vast plain that is his future
the sun rising, gently
but harsh elements
motivated by envy and hate
swirl against him
seek to undermine him, sabotage him
destroy him on a
national playing field
to vindicate their own
insecurities
and I am scared for him
Still
I must be still
Still
My spirit requests it
counsels it
demands it
I must be still
and allow Him
to clear my path
and lead my way.
Friday, March 21, 2008
The Front Door
In seven months
despite livin
lovin
pleasurin
pleasin
workin and strivin
he hadn't kissed her
How could it be
that in seven months
he hadn't slowly wrapped his arms around her
tucked her safely within
his masculine haven
and rested his lips
gently against hers
In seven months
intimacy departed
sensuality vacated
relationship simply became
business as usual
Seven months
that's when her eyes
began to focus
on the front door...
despite livin
lovin
pleasurin
pleasin
workin and strivin
he hadn't kissed her
How could it be
that in seven months
he hadn't slowly wrapped his arms around her
tucked her safely within
his masculine haven
and rested his lips
gently against hers
In seven months
intimacy departed
sensuality vacated
relationship simply became
business as usual
Seven months
that's when her eyes
began to focus
on the front door...
The Gap
She missed him
adored him
but there were no more words
once he moved on
changed direction
found a new path
So easy, it seemed at first
she planned to say something
to try something
to make him chuckle, nod, embrace her
in his heart
but, as time passed
his chin grew firmer
neck seemed stiffer
eyes grew colder
he stared, without blinking
and she lost her nerve
the chasm between them
widened with silence
And she wouldn't do it
couldn't cross the narrow rotten bridge
winding across that spiritual gap
couldn't bring the words to her lips
to explain herself
to beg forgiveness
to let him know that
he was her future
and her love was rare enough
genuine enough
that he should take the chance
Although she longed
to touch him
be held by him
mean something, anything, to him
She simply stood there
bowing her head in defeat
listening to the deafening crack
of her spirit
adored him
but there were no more words
once he moved on
changed direction
found a new path
So easy, it seemed at first
she planned to say something
to try something
to make him chuckle, nod, embrace her
in his heart
but, as time passed
his chin grew firmer
neck seemed stiffer
eyes grew colder
he stared, without blinking
and she lost her nerve
the chasm between them
widened with silence
And she wouldn't do it
couldn't cross the narrow rotten bridge
winding across that spiritual gap
couldn't bring the words to her lips
to explain herself
to beg forgiveness
to let him know that
he was her future
and her love was rare enough
genuine enough
that he should take the chance
Although she longed
to touch him
be held by him
mean something, anything, to him
She simply stood there
bowing her head in defeat
listening to the deafening crack
of her spirit
Sacrifice?
Did I miss life
living too safe in the bubble
staying protected in the pocket
avoiding pain and humiliation
by avoiding
growth and adventure
Is it possible
that I hid to protect my heart,
heal my spirit
but instead I thwarted opportunity
shunned inquisitiveness
discouraged creativity
Did life pass me by
while I played it safe?
choosing the comfort of the shadows
instead of the brazenness of the spotlight
shrinking back
retreating from battle
when I should have
worn my crown
stood my ground
and fought this fight
Was I so shaken
by my troubled childhood
that I gave away my life
to cling to some semblance
of peace and quiet
living too safe in the bubble
staying protected in the pocket
avoiding pain and humiliation
by avoiding
growth and adventure
Is it possible
that I hid to protect my heart,
heal my spirit
but instead I thwarted opportunity
shunned inquisitiveness
discouraged creativity
Did life pass me by
while I played it safe?
choosing the comfort of the shadows
instead of the brazenness of the spotlight
shrinking back
retreating from battle
when I should have
worn my crown
stood my ground
and fought this fight
Was I so shaken
by my troubled childhood
that I gave away my life
to cling to some semblance
of peace and quiet
Thursday, March 20, 2008
The Fool
So, its by any means necessary?
by any throat slit
by any vein cut
you are draining us
deluding us
willing to destroy us all
if you can't have your way
Politics as usual
how dare you transform
an historic event
into a trial by fire
after they nailed you to the stake
crucified your marriage
raped your credibility
smeared your every accomplishment
against the vile canvas of hypocrisy
Now you want to
play hard ball
You've lost me
my loyalty seeping
down the drains of mistrust
disgust and deep seeded resentment
because I once believed in you
supported you
stood by you
and fought for you
Now you make me the fool
with every attempt to discredit
every false claim of religion
every veiled mention of race
every insinuation of inexperience
every announcement of plagiarism
every promotion of McCain
every attack on the man's life
You have now made me the fool,
Mr. and Mrs. Clinton,
for all those years
I believed in you
by any throat slit
by any vein cut
you are draining us
deluding us
willing to destroy us all
if you can't have your way
Politics as usual
how dare you transform
an historic event
into a trial by fire
after they nailed you to the stake
crucified your marriage
raped your credibility
smeared your every accomplishment
against the vile canvas of hypocrisy
Now you want to
play hard ball
You've lost me
my loyalty seeping
down the drains of mistrust
disgust and deep seeded resentment
because I once believed in you
supported you
stood by you
and fought for you
Now you make me the fool
with every attempt to discredit
every false claim of religion
every veiled mention of race
every insinuation of inexperience
every announcement of plagiarism
every promotion of McCain
every attack on the man's life
You have now made me the fool,
Mr. and Mrs. Clinton,
for all those years
I believed in you
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
This Emotion
It was running away with me
this lust
this admiration
this thought of
me and you
It started to consume me
flooding my mind with
the softness of your lips
the pressure of your touch
the sensuous tone of your voice
It began to take over
causing me to blush
for no reason
sigh during random moments
giggle softly at
inappropriate times
It ran away from me
out of control
I rode this wave of emotions
spinning and bubbling
throbbing and vibing
allowing you to
have all of me
this lust
this admiration
this thought of
me and you
It started to consume me
flooding my mind with
the softness of your lips
the pressure of your touch
the sensuous tone of your voice
It began to take over
causing me to blush
for no reason
sigh during random moments
giggle softly at
inappropriate times
It ran away from me
out of control
I rode this wave of emotions
spinning and bubbling
throbbing and vibing
allowing you to
have all of me
Monday, March 17, 2008
The Ugly Duckling
She would stare at the mirror
without blinking
sighing
frustrated
uttering words of hate
at the reflection glaring back at her
The lips just too big
the skin way too dark
"why did God make me this way
how can I go out like this"
her cries confused me
To me
she was simply lovely
but each day her words
chipped away at her beauty
distorted my minds eye
making full lips
a source of shame
high cheekbones
a source of pity
dark skin
a mask of pain
I listened
as self hate
oozed from her lips
like neverending venom
and, as I grew
my reflection
became so similar to hers
I barely glanced at the mirror
my heart broken by
the hideous creature
the unloveable monster
the fat, ugly duckling
that stared back at me
wondering why
God had made me this way
cursed me with this face
jinxed me with this skin...
without blinking
sighing
frustrated
uttering words of hate
at the reflection glaring back at her
The lips just too big
the skin way too dark
"why did God make me this way
how can I go out like this"
her cries confused me
To me
she was simply lovely
but each day her words
chipped away at her beauty
distorted my minds eye
making full lips
a source of shame
high cheekbones
a source of pity
dark skin
a mask of pain
I listened
as self hate
oozed from her lips
like neverending venom
and, as I grew
my reflection
became so similar to hers
I barely glanced at the mirror
my heart broken by
the hideous creature
the unloveable monster
the fat, ugly duckling
that stared back at me
wondering why
God had made me this way
cursed me with this face
jinxed me with this skin...
Withdrawal
I'm running
Fleeing from you
from this
Escaping this
mental trap
of love twisted
unending adoration
lust covered
veiled infatuation
Im running
Stop chasing me
reappearing
reminding me
receiving me
swallowing me
drowning me
Im saying no
Im stopping and shouting
drawing the line in the sand
throwing the salt
over my shoulder
Claiming my escape
my release
salvaging whats left of me
in a desperate attempt
to withdraw
from you
Fleeing from you
from this
Escaping this
mental trap
of love twisted
unending adoration
lust covered
veiled infatuation
Im running
Stop chasing me
reappearing
reminding me
receiving me
swallowing me
drowning me
Im saying no
Im stopping and shouting
drawing the line in the sand
throwing the salt
over my shoulder
Claiming my escape
my release
salvaging whats left of me
in a desperate attempt
to withdraw
from you
Good Enough
What if
I'm not good enough
Not real enough
not found worthy enough
nor intellectual enough
What if the
vulnerability
deep within me
is split open and dug out
spread out and
examined
and determined
to be lacking
overrated and
disappointing
What if
I simply don't have it
despite all my energies
all my dreams
this deep seeded desire
this love of the written word
What if the gift
is only a light dusting of talent
a mere sprinkling of ingenius
what would I be then
could I swallow the
aching loss
the fractured belief
my splintered essence
Tell me
what if?
I'm not good enough
Not real enough
not found worthy enough
nor intellectual enough
What if the
vulnerability
deep within me
is split open and dug out
spread out and
examined
and determined
to be lacking
overrated and
disappointing
What if
I simply don't have it
despite all my energies
all my dreams
this deep seeded desire
this love of the written word
What if the gift
is only a light dusting of talent
a mere sprinkling of ingenius
what would I be then
could I swallow the
aching loss
the fractured belief
my splintered essence
Tell me
what if?
Thursday, March 13, 2008
SImply Do You
Just do you
Be you
standing soundly on
what you are and
who you want to be
you are prepared
for this moment
for this challenge
designed for this
uniquely rare opportunity
Nothing occurs by accident
there is no happenstance
the turmoil and anguish
were purposely thrown your way
to test you
to strengthen you
to ready you
for this day
No pressure
No stress
Just breathe in
look around
enjoy it, remember it
recall the dream
revel in the excitement
recognize your platform
then
simply do you
Be you
standing soundly on
what you are and
who you want to be
you are prepared
for this moment
for this challenge
designed for this
uniquely rare opportunity
Nothing occurs by accident
there is no happenstance
the turmoil and anguish
were purposely thrown your way
to test you
to strengthen you
to ready you
for this day
No pressure
No stress
Just breathe in
look around
enjoy it, remember it
recall the dream
revel in the excitement
recognize your platform
then
simply do you
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Sorry
Im sorry
If I caused you confusion
If you wondered into my life
right at a turning point
a questionable junction
I'm sorry
if somehow I poured into you
something that was
too much
too deep
too heavy
for you to understand
for you to enjoy
I'm sorry
that I let my imagination
get the best of me
let my desires
run away with me
that I gave you a glimpse
of what a woman really is
or really can be
I'm sorry if
this encounter
maimed your spirit
or marked your soul
I hope, instead
that you found joy
in my simplicity
in my honesty
in my breaking apart
every little piece of me
If I caused you confusion
If you wondered into my life
right at a turning point
a questionable junction
I'm sorry
if somehow I poured into you
something that was
too much
too deep
too heavy
for you to understand
for you to enjoy
I'm sorry
that I let my imagination
get the best of me
let my desires
run away with me
that I gave you a glimpse
of what a woman really is
or really can be
I'm sorry if
this encounter
maimed your spirit
or marked your soul
I hope, instead
that you found joy
in my simplicity
in my honesty
in my breaking apart
every little piece of me
Fiyah
It's the
turn of the head
the strut of a king
confidence oozing out of
every pour
brash and raw
that's what makes him
fiyah
Its the direct stare
with the hint of a smile
the sexy head nod
the perfected stance
lingering long enough
for sensual dreams to
unravel in your mind
thats what makes him
fiyah
It's not physical perfection
cuz that would make him
too pretty
too prissy
Naw, its
the flawed, the rough
the real, the true
whose eyes tell you
he can run the world
or at least rule your heart
if you let him
trust me,
you should let him
there's nothin like a taste of
fiyah
turn of the head
the strut of a king
confidence oozing out of
every pour
brash and raw
that's what makes him
fiyah
Its the direct stare
with the hint of a smile
the sexy head nod
the perfected stance
lingering long enough
for sensual dreams to
unravel in your mind
thats what makes him
fiyah
It's not physical perfection
cuz that would make him
too pretty
too prissy
Naw, its
the flawed, the rough
the real, the true
whose eyes tell you
he can run the world
or at least rule your heart
if you let him
trust me,
you should let him
there's nothin like a taste of
fiyah
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Understand
He refused to look at me
I was too young to understand
we were cool
friendly
but I had to speak first
reach out with a smile and a hug
or he
would stare over my head
pretend I didn't exist
I didn't understand
I quit
wanted to see
how long he could ignore me
how long he would look at me
when my head was turned
and walk away
when I faced him
But the days became weeks
became months became years
and my little boycott
turned into a
insurmountable canyon
of unspoken words
avoided eye contact
dismissed acknowledge
Now, years later
there is nothing to say
life moved on and
our time is past
Still, we stand here
watching each other
across the yard
still we don't speak
we don't blink
we don't cross that vat of
emptiness
Only now, do I really see you
do I finally understand
is it obvious that you
had feelings for me
thought of me
the irony is
I wanted you too
but neither of us
had the courage to say anything
Now, years later,
I finally understand
I was too young to understand
we were cool
friendly
but I had to speak first
reach out with a smile and a hug
or he
would stare over my head
pretend I didn't exist
I didn't understand
I quit
wanted to see
how long he could ignore me
how long he would look at me
when my head was turned
and walk away
when I faced him
But the days became weeks
became months became years
and my little boycott
turned into a
insurmountable canyon
of unspoken words
avoided eye contact
dismissed acknowledge
Now, years later
there is nothing to say
life moved on and
our time is past
Still, we stand here
watching each other
across the yard
still we don't speak
we don't blink
we don't cross that vat of
emptiness
Only now, do I really see you
do I finally understand
is it obvious that you
had feelings for me
thought of me
the irony is
I wanted you too
but neither of us
had the courage to say anything
Now, years later,
I finally understand
Friday, February 29, 2008
Everything?
We could be everything
you and I
we can have it
the dream
the idea
the belief
why can't we be it?
If you would just concentrate
on me, on us
instead of your dreams
instead of your hopes
then we can make it
If I simply dilute down
the best of me
the spark that makes me unique
to fit you
fit your idea
of wifely perfection
Then wouldn't we be perfect
with our shiny cars and
big house
lovely kids and
successful careers
wouldn't we be wonderful
If we both
figure out how
to drown out
the overwhelming stench
of disappointment
the unforgiving funk of
talent wasted
and silence the whispering cry
from deep within our souls
begging us to remember
our spiritual gifts
feed our starving souls
allow
our effervescence to bloom
Then, wouldn't we be perfect?
you and I
we can have it
the dream
the idea
the belief
why can't we be it?
If you would just concentrate
on me, on us
instead of your dreams
instead of your hopes
then we can make it
If I simply dilute down
the best of me
the spark that makes me unique
to fit you
fit your idea
of wifely perfection
Then wouldn't we be perfect
with our shiny cars and
big house
lovely kids and
successful careers
wouldn't we be wonderful
If we both
figure out how
to drown out
the overwhelming stench
of disappointment
the unforgiving funk of
talent wasted
and silence the whispering cry
from deep within our souls
begging us to remember
our spiritual gifts
feed our starving souls
allow
our effervescence to bloom
Then, wouldn't we be perfect?
Despair
Lonely
the echo of my mind
reverberating
replaying regretful utterances
admissions
reflections
of loneliness
Bored
lingering so restless
without purpose
without focus
disseminating in all directions
convinced of
no internal purpose
boredom stirring the
depths of my being
rumbling my
spiritual anxiety
Losing will
drowning in
loneliness' despair
the echo of my mind
reverberating
replaying regretful utterances
admissions
reflections
of loneliness
Bored
lingering so restless
without purpose
without focus
disseminating in all directions
convinced of
no internal purpose
boredom stirring the
depths of my being
rumbling my
spiritual anxiety
Losing will
drowning in
loneliness' despair
Thursday, February 28, 2008
What Would You Say
What would you say
if I told you the truth
If I admitted that I avoid your eyes and
maintain my distance
because your being calls to me
loudly
uncontrollably
What would you say
If I admitted
my heart loudly pounds near you
my calm fades away around you
you inspire me to be
woman
insatiable woman
in every conceivable way
What would you say
if I told you the truth
that I enjoy staring at your profile
love to get lost in your smile
in the sea of depth
that flows in your eyes
That you already have me
you've won this battle
without even trying
the minutia of dignity I maintain
comes in pretending
pretending that laying eyes on you
doesn't ignite my imagination
doesn't create fantasy's overflow
doesn't begin a whirlwind of passion
I won't say it
if I did, there would be nothing left to say
don't you agree
Tell me
What would you say?
if I told you the truth
If I admitted that I avoid your eyes and
maintain my distance
because your being calls to me
loudly
uncontrollably
What would you say
If I admitted
my heart loudly pounds near you
my calm fades away around you
you inspire me to be
woman
insatiable woman
in every conceivable way
What would you say
if I told you the truth
that I enjoy staring at your profile
love to get lost in your smile
in the sea of depth
that flows in your eyes
That you already have me
you've won this battle
without even trying
the minutia of dignity I maintain
comes in pretending
pretending that laying eyes on you
doesn't ignite my imagination
doesn't create fantasy's overflow
doesn't begin a whirlwind of passion
I won't say it
if I did, there would be nothing left to say
don't you agree
Tell me
What would you say?
My Poison
Clinging desperately to the
obvious flaws
the blatant fouls
the ridiculous mistakes
Hanging on each blunder
as if they provide oxygen
as if their discovery gives enlightenment
nourishment
fulfillment
But I can't hold on
can't hang on
feeling like I am breathing
toxic air
invading the deepest chamber of me
poisoning my well
from which I must drink
killing my desire,
tearing at my spirit
slowing my drive
With each incident, you point
and repeat
but your words land on my ears
invade my mind
stick to me like
undiluted glue
attracting more negativity, more pessimissm
more doubt
Somehow you
are becoming
my poision
obvious flaws
the blatant fouls
the ridiculous mistakes
Hanging on each blunder
as if they provide oxygen
as if their discovery gives enlightenment
nourishment
fulfillment
But I can't hold on
can't hang on
feeling like I am breathing
toxic air
invading the deepest chamber of me
poisoning my well
from which I must drink
killing my desire,
tearing at my spirit
slowing my drive
With each incident, you point
and repeat
but your words land on my ears
invade my mind
stick to me like
undiluted glue
attracting more negativity, more pessimissm
more doubt
Somehow you
are becoming
my poision
Monday, February 25, 2008
Thick
Your love
So deep and thick
covering me
like
sweet molasses
honey
I luxuriate in its
richness
close my eyes as
each dribble
slowly pours
against my lips
runs down
to my chin
and you stare
watching your love
slowly spread
across the bare surface
of me
tasting the sweetness
enjoying the pureness
wondering about the
thick concentrated oneness
of your love
So deep and thick
covering me
like
sweet molasses
honey
I luxuriate in its
richness
close my eyes as
each dribble
slowly pours
against my lips
runs down
to my chin
and you stare
watching your love
slowly spread
across the bare surface
of me
tasting the sweetness
enjoying the pureness
wondering about the
thick concentrated oneness
of your love
So Empty
This space
my space
feels so empty tonight
so lonely and strange
because I don't have you
can't find you
Ive lost to the
expectations of this world
the boundaries of defined love
pushing us out
labeling us unfit and underserving
unrealistic
So I let go
and sit here
in this space
so empty, so heavy
unable to syphon off a little peace
to rest my mind or
close my eyes
in every pregnant pause
there is you
us
we
I need you
to be complete
but I can't find you
anymore
you have faded away
left
bowed your head and
thrown in the towel
and my space
feels so empty
my space
feels so empty tonight
so lonely and strange
because I don't have you
can't find you
Ive lost to the
expectations of this world
the boundaries of defined love
pushing us out
labeling us unfit and underserving
unrealistic
So I let go
and sit here
in this space
so empty, so heavy
unable to syphon off a little peace
to rest my mind or
close my eyes
in every pregnant pause
there is you
us
we
I need you
to be complete
but I can't find you
anymore
you have faded away
left
bowed your head and
thrown in the towel
and my space
feels so empty
Sunday, February 24, 2008
The Traitor
They called me a traitor
to my face
said that I sided with their men
the only girlfriend who
knew all the dirt and didn't tell
They said I had a duty
to warn them, forewarn them
sabotage their boyfriends
extracurricular love affairs
protect their stake and claim
bond with the girlfriends
for the sake of womanhood
I thought they were crazy
They were gettting dogged, no doubt
but I wasn't their boyfriends god and
none of those men had to answer me
additionally, none of the "girlfriend crew"
attempted to befriend me until
they realized I was tighter with their men
than they were
I was more trusted by their men
than they were and
I was faithful to my man who
gave loving right back to me
I nodded, listened, gave them the respect of being heard
then I walked away
and let them judge me, hate me
label me foul
I didn't owe them
anything
to my face
said that I sided with their men
the only girlfriend who
knew all the dirt and didn't tell
They said I had a duty
to warn them, forewarn them
sabotage their boyfriends
extracurricular love affairs
protect their stake and claim
bond with the girlfriends
for the sake of womanhood
I thought they were crazy
They were gettting dogged, no doubt
but I wasn't their boyfriends god and
none of those men had to answer me
additionally, none of the "girlfriend crew"
attempted to befriend me until
they realized I was tighter with their men
than they were
I was more trusted by their men
than they were and
I was faithful to my man who
gave loving right back to me
I nodded, listened, gave them the respect of being heard
then I walked away
and let them judge me, hate me
label me foul
I didn't owe them
anything
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Free
I wanted him to say sorry
to beg and plead
for his daughter's redemption
he owed me, I deserved it
I finally went to see him
after so many years
But the sight of him
surprisingly shook me
I missed my daddy
this huge defining piece of me
And he was who he was
true to him, if no one else
unapologetic, understanding on a different level
a deeper zone
either I accepted him, or I moved on
simple
life hadn't apologized to him
hadn't restored him a chance at a true childhood
at young adult life without three tours of duty in Vietnam
no one had held his hand and
made it all better
kissed away the booboos
So he had been all he could be
the only person he knew how to be
a black man, used by his country
discarded soon after
street logic and survival
the only real code
how much room
did that leave a baby girl?
I had to accept it
understand it
swallow it
and complete me
the knowledge freeing me
in a more substantial way
than any apology ever could
to beg and plead
for his daughter's redemption
he owed me, I deserved it
I finally went to see him
after so many years
But the sight of him
surprisingly shook me
I missed my daddy
this huge defining piece of me
And he was who he was
true to him, if no one else
unapologetic, understanding on a different level
a deeper zone
either I accepted him, or I moved on
simple
life hadn't apologized to him
hadn't restored him a chance at a true childhood
at young adult life without three tours of duty in Vietnam
no one had held his hand and
made it all better
kissed away the booboos
So he had been all he could be
the only person he knew how to be
a black man, used by his country
discarded soon after
street logic and survival
the only real code
how much room
did that leave a baby girl?
I had to accept it
understand it
swallow it
and complete me
the knowledge freeing me
in a more substantial way
than any apology ever could
Call Me Home
He was my best friend
that's the truth of it
even in the silence, all those dark years
that's why the door never completely closed
why, despite my devastation,
I still couldn't be without him
With only him
I revealed my soul
shared my heart
gave my mind
relinquished my entire body
discovered me new
stretched me thin
fell so so so hard
acted out so badly
With only him
He was my best friend
sewn into the intimate pattern of me
stitched into my
delicate fiber
my defined rhythm
making it impossible
to completely rinse him out
to successfully bleach away the
indelible stain
our love, our life, our intertwined existence
had manifested
He was my best friend
which is why
he could always
call me home
that's the truth of it
even in the silence, all those dark years
that's why the door never completely closed
why, despite my devastation,
I still couldn't be without him
With only him
I revealed my soul
shared my heart
gave my mind
relinquished my entire body
discovered me new
stretched me thin
fell so so so hard
acted out so badly
With only him
He was my best friend
sewn into the intimate pattern of me
stitched into my
delicate fiber
my defined rhythm
making it impossible
to completely rinse him out
to successfully bleach away the
indelible stain
our love, our life, our intertwined existence
had manifested
He was my best friend
which is why
he could always
call me home
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Wild
He was wild
just how I liked them
untrained and street submerged
a new transfer to my high school
the girls flirted and whispered
I simply smiled, keeping my secret to myself
I knew him from before
From middle school
from secret notes he slid in my locker
from scraps of paper he placed in my hand
from his touch, which sent shockwaves through me
but also terrified me
from his kisses, as each became more intimate
and each touch became more forbidden
But I was a good girl
in theory, in practice
I held him off, so he backed away
then
but there he stood
two years later, in my highschool
a foot taller
20 pounds broader
his eyes gleaming wilder than ever before
Classmates hung everywhere
girls watched him and giggled
He leaned against the wall
I walked slowly past
our eyes locked, my smile slightly hidden
his latest note
tucked safely into
the palm of my hand
just how I liked them
untrained and street submerged
a new transfer to my high school
the girls flirted and whispered
I simply smiled, keeping my secret to myself
I knew him from before
From middle school
from secret notes he slid in my locker
from scraps of paper he placed in my hand
from his touch, which sent shockwaves through me
but also terrified me
from his kisses, as each became more intimate
and each touch became more forbidden
But I was a good girl
in theory, in practice
I held him off, so he backed away
then
but there he stood
two years later, in my highschool
a foot taller
20 pounds broader
his eyes gleaming wilder than ever before
Classmates hung everywhere
girls watched him and giggled
He leaned against the wall
I walked slowly past
our eyes locked, my smile slightly hidden
his latest note
tucked safely into
the palm of my hand
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
I've Lost You
I need to hear you say it
confirm it
prove it
do you still love me
I doubt it
I no longer inspire you
to stare at me for
hours at a time
rubbing my cheek
caressing my leg
wondering out loud
how we got here and
who knew loving felt this good
You haven't whispered my name
held me close
called in the middle of the day
just to hear my voice
just to feel the thrill
of wild untamed love
so deep - overwhelming
so raw - inexplicable
what we had
We function on a schedule now
life feels so mundane
responsiblities have sapped our creativity
shifted our focus
sucked us out of the island of joy
that was you and I
I've lost you
to life
I know it
I feel it
I long to hear you say it
do you still love me?
confirm it
prove it
do you still love me
I doubt it
I no longer inspire you
to stare at me for
hours at a time
rubbing my cheek
caressing my leg
wondering out loud
how we got here and
who knew loving felt this good
You haven't whispered my name
held me close
called in the middle of the day
just to hear my voice
just to feel the thrill
of wild untamed love
so deep - overwhelming
so raw - inexplicable
what we had
We function on a schedule now
life feels so mundane
responsiblities have sapped our creativity
shifted our focus
sucked us out of the island of joy
that was you and I
I've lost you
to life
I know it
I feel it
I long to hear you say it
do you still love me?
Sunday, February 17, 2008
The Toy
He was surprised
apparently
that he wasn't the only one
that I had no intentions of being bound
tied up and
tangled in
love with him
He seemed flabbergasted
when I suggested
we take some time
add in a little space
explore other options
seek out other things
He acted shocked
when I said
he wasn't enough
I expected more
needed more
I wasn't happy
But the gaping void in my soul
felt wider
when I was
in his presence
proving he wasn't
my sought after emotional bandaid
and since self examination
was too painful
another man
another lover
another toy
had to be the answer...
apparently
that he wasn't the only one
that I had no intentions of being bound
tied up and
tangled in
love with him
He seemed flabbergasted
when I suggested
we take some time
add in a little space
explore other options
seek out other things
He acted shocked
when I said
he wasn't enough
I expected more
needed more
I wasn't happy
But the gaping void in my soul
felt wider
when I was
in his presence
proving he wasn't
my sought after emotional bandaid
and since self examination
was too painful
another man
another lover
another toy
had to be the answer...
Emotions
Do emotions make me weak
confuse me, frustrate me
do they lessen me
ruin the person I want to be
invading me with doubt and
fear
second guessing and quesitoning
lonely and of no importance
Some days
I am plagued by
emotions
wanting to run from them
bag them up with
the painful memories
and free myself from their grasp
Am I the only one
caught in this tangled web
silently suffering while
trying to stay healthy
happy
wishing I could simply focus
on the light
simply cling to the belief that I can
exist normally
find saftey
and live easily
uncomplicated
free
released from the strangling bond
of emotion
confuse me, frustrate me
do they lessen me
ruin the person I want to be
invading me with doubt and
fear
second guessing and quesitoning
lonely and of no importance
Some days
I am plagued by
emotions
wanting to run from them
bag them up with
the painful memories
and free myself from their grasp
Am I the only one
caught in this tangled web
silently suffering while
trying to stay healthy
happy
wishing I could simply focus
on the light
simply cling to the belief that I can
exist normally
find saftey
and live easily
uncomplicated
free
released from the strangling bond
of emotion
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Valentine's Day - My Words
My words
can seduce
enrapture and contain you
delight you
I can
pen you a secret message
to gently stroke your heart
massage your mind
stimulate your soul
These words
will drop from my lips
landing like morning dew
in the crevice of your spirit
tracing a lighted path
across your thighs
along your abs
against your perfectly low hips
My pen
will draft for you a poem
a perfect melody
our sensual harmony
humming guiltily in your ear
strumming softly on your chest
kissing your fingertips
caressing your lobes
making my desire for you
clear
sparkling and special
reminding you that
you got me
uniquely, and only for you
I will spin these words
my words
of love
can seduce
enrapture and contain you
delight you
I can
pen you a secret message
to gently stroke your heart
massage your mind
stimulate your soul
These words
will drop from my lips
landing like morning dew
in the crevice of your spirit
tracing a lighted path
across your thighs
along your abs
against your perfectly low hips
My pen
will draft for you a poem
a perfect melody
our sensual harmony
humming guiltily in your ear
strumming softly on your chest
kissing your fingertips
caressing your lobes
making my desire for you
clear
sparkling and special
reminding you that
you got me
uniquely, and only for you
I will spin these words
my words
of love
No Small Miracle
There is no such thing
as a small miracle
as a minor work or
a miniscule blessing
an oxymoron, at best
a euphamism, at worse
How can a miracle be small
a blessing, any less than wondrous
a work, any less than brilliant
the spare change that
feeds a family
the act of kindness
that purges the soul
the kind stranger
who lends an unrequested hand
when no other help
was possible
that small breath
when you nearly suffocated
is a miracle
is a blessing
is a spiritual work
so huge, so monumental
so overwhelming, so victorious
how magnifiscent
how magnanimous
there is no such thing
as a small blessing
as a small miracle
as a minor work or
a miniscule blessing
an oxymoron, at best
a euphamism, at worse
How can a miracle be small
a blessing, any less than wondrous
a work, any less than brilliant
the spare change that
feeds a family
the act of kindness
that purges the soul
the kind stranger
who lends an unrequested hand
when no other help
was possible
that small breath
when you nearly suffocated
is a miracle
is a blessing
is a spiritual work
so huge, so monumental
so overwhelming, so victorious
how magnifiscent
how magnanimous
there is no such thing
as a small blessing
Kiss Konfusion
His kiss
tasted like chocolate
with a hint
of mint
light tingle
quivering against the
sides of my
inner cheek
Separating
We both looked around
I tried to still my heart
silence the loud pounding
of blood surging through my veins
Emotions, denied
reaction, ignored
Anger: why does it feel so right
He grabbed
I sighed
At some point we would
have to deal with
the kiss that
never should have happened
tasted like chocolate
with a hint
of mint
light tingle
quivering against the
sides of my
inner cheek
Separating
We both looked around
I tried to still my heart
silence the loud pounding
of blood surging through my veins
Emotions, denied
reaction, ignored
Anger: why does it feel so right
He grabbed
I sighed
At some point we would
have to deal with
the kiss that
never should have happened
My Muse
I've missed you
my muse
Missed staring at your face
experiencing that thrill you bring
allowing my mind to expand
and explore
as I inhale
your wondrous sscent
I've missed you
my muse
your magnifiscent will brought
reems of inspiration
your determination mounted
racks of creativity
I've missed you
my muse
in your absence I've discovered you
uncovered how much you really mean
to me
realizing how I need you
enjoy you
love you
in that creative, kindred sort of way
I've missed you
my muse
I've missed you
my muse
Missed staring at your face
experiencing that thrill you bring
allowing my mind to expand
and explore
as I inhale
your wondrous sscent
I've missed you
my muse
your magnifiscent will brought
reems of inspiration
your determination mounted
racks of creativity
I've missed you
my muse
in your absence I've discovered you
uncovered how much you really mean
to me
realizing how I need you
enjoy you
love you
in that creative, kindred sort of way
I've missed you
my muse
I've missed you
Failure's Freedom
Wouldn't failure feel good
freeing
how easy it would be
to stop caring, to not give a damn
to inhale failure's delicious scent
lose myself in its formless freedom
If I failed, wouldn't mean that I had won
wouldn't it shatter all the boundaries
because I would have ignored them
refused to be defined by them
released me from the ridiculous expectations
unconcerned with being
a magnifiscent loser
But failures freedom
although euphoric, would only last a moment
before my self love kicked in
before my pride punished me
before my drive pushed me
painting my allowed failures shameful
reigning my loss on
my generation's seed
But sometimes I wish
I could care less
revel in failures' freedom
and thumb my nose at the world
but that just ain't me
it just
ain't me
freeing
how easy it would be
to stop caring, to not give a damn
to inhale failure's delicious scent
lose myself in its formless freedom
If I failed, wouldn't mean that I had won
wouldn't it shatter all the boundaries
because I would have ignored them
refused to be defined by them
released me from the ridiculous expectations
unconcerned with being
a magnifiscent loser
But failures freedom
although euphoric, would only last a moment
before my self love kicked in
before my pride punished me
before my drive pushed me
painting my allowed failures shameful
reigning my loss on
my generation's seed
But sometimes I wish
I could care less
revel in failures' freedom
and thumb my nose at the world
but that just ain't me
it just
ain't me
Doubt
Doubt is crowding me
creeping along the edges of my mind
stretching its tenacle across me
Doubt is expanding within me
making me question
what I thought was right
was real
was certain
Turning my definites
into my maybes
my musts
into my possibles
I despise doubt
yet, I am not
strong enough to fight it
want to fight it
I doubt me
what I am about
who I am
what I can accomplish
why I should even try
It is fear,
this doubt
these quiet mumblings of defeat
it is simply fear, but it is controlling
numbing, blinding
deafening
this doubt
sometimes it is simply too much
this doubt
creeping along the edges of my mind
stretching its tenacle across me
Doubt is expanding within me
making me question
what I thought was right
was real
was certain
Turning my definites
into my maybes
my musts
into my possibles
I despise doubt
yet, I am not
strong enough to fight it
want to fight it
I doubt me
what I am about
who I am
what I can accomplish
why I should even try
It is fear,
this doubt
these quiet mumblings of defeat
it is simply fear, but it is controlling
numbing, blinding
deafening
this doubt
sometimes it is simply too much
this doubt
Saturday, February 02, 2008
Sensual Display
I tried to hug him and retreat
but, I got distracted
by his soft earlobe
resting gently by my lips
and he held on
longer than I anticipated
hugging me
closer than I expected
I didn't mind
I didn't care
So, my plans to retreat
were quickly devastated
as my lips slowly tasted
his earlobe
and my words
were whispered softly
only for him to hear
while his lips
brushed gently against my neck
his fingers
tightly gripped my body
Instead of separating
he nodded
to my simple request
shuddered at my
whispered word
smiled at what
I promised to do
joined me
for a sensual display
but, I got distracted
by his soft earlobe
resting gently by my lips
and he held on
longer than I anticipated
hugging me
closer than I expected
I didn't mind
I didn't care
So, my plans to retreat
were quickly devastated
as my lips slowly tasted
his earlobe
and my words
were whispered softly
only for him to hear
while his lips
brushed gently against my neck
his fingers
tightly gripped my body
Instead of separating
he nodded
to my simple request
shuddered at my
whispered word
smiled at what
I promised to do
joined me
for a sensual display
Friday, February 01, 2008
Looking Forward
Looking forward
wanting more
striving hard
pressing on
Trying to be
the ideal woman
want to be proud of me
want to be unashamed of me
need to know that my life
meant something
to somebody
need to know that my fight
was worth everything
in the end
I am looking forward
or upward
but never back
the future
will not
let me down
wanting more
striving hard
pressing on
Trying to be
the ideal woman
want to be proud of me
want to be unashamed of me
need to know that my life
meant something
to somebody
need to know that my fight
was worth everything
in the end
I am looking forward
or upward
but never back
the future
will not
let me down
Need to Heal
I left you
for a little while
to find something new
to discover something better
to see if the world
would still open his hands
and allow me
to crawl in
if the ocean would
form a sea of protection
all around me
I left you
for a little while
because I needed something
of my own
a place undefiled and
uncontained
comfortable and cozy but
reflecting me
just for once
I left you
for a little while
becauseI needed to grow
to free my heart
and begin to heal
for a little while
to find something new
to discover something better
to see if the world
would still open his hands
and allow me
to crawl in
if the ocean would
form a sea of protection
all around me
I left you
for a little while
because I needed something
of my own
a place undefiled and
uncontained
comfortable and cozy but
reflecting me
just for once
I left you
for a little while
becauseI needed to grow
to free my heart
and begin to heal
Monday, January 28, 2008
Scent
He inhaled
and smiled
grinned, then nodded
ever so slightly
my scent
pleased him
He held me close
whispered gently
that he loved
my smell
natural
perfumed
me
He enclosed me
in his arms
and inhaled deeply
I floated away
lost in the
plush cushion
of his adoration
lost in the
wonder of
the power
of scent
he inhaled
my scent
pleased him
and smiled
grinned, then nodded
ever so slightly
my scent
pleased him
He held me close
whispered gently
that he loved
my smell
natural
perfumed
me
He enclosed me
in his arms
and inhaled deeply
I floated away
lost in the
plush cushion
of his adoration
lost in the
wonder of
the power
of scent
he inhaled
my scent
pleased him
Alone
Have you ever felt
unimportant
irrelevant
as if no one would notice
whether you had ever been here
whether you had ever existed
at all
Have you ever felt
uninspired
bored
the days dragging by in a
rythmless hum
course and dry
sad and alone
Sometimes
I feel so unimportant
irrelevant
my person too plain to
make the world see me
notice me
take interest in figuring
me out
And I wish
I had that sparkle
to draw in the inquisitive
attract the special and
inspire the talented
Sometimes, sometimes
I am all alone...
unimportant
irrelevant
as if no one would notice
whether you had ever been here
whether you had ever existed
at all
Have you ever felt
uninspired
bored
the days dragging by in a
rythmless hum
course and dry
sad and alone
Sometimes
I feel so unimportant
irrelevant
my person too plain to
make the world see me
notice me
take interest in figuring
me out
And I wish
I had that sparkle
to draw in the inquisitive
attract the special and
inspire the talented
Sometimes, sometimes
I am all alone...
Inspire Me
I can be
everything you want me to be
whatever you need
how you need me
when you need me
where you need me
in the way you need me
I'll be that
at your request
I'll be everything
you want me to be
I can be that
I can do that
only for you
if you will just
inspire me...
everything you want me to be
whatever you need
how you need me
when you need me
where you need me
in the way you need me
I'll be that
at your request
I'll be everything
you want me to be
I can be that
I can do that
only for you
if you will just
inspire me...
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Be Still
Something has happened
something has changed
something is distorted
somehow its manipulated
there is a shift, a difference
and things are not what they seem
But you are solid
tried and true
remember that
remember who you are
despite them, or because of them
Be still
and focus
Be still
and allow the vision to
come back into view
Be still
and see how the supernatural
reveals the truth
how your path will be lighted
how you will know
where to go and
what to do
don't be blinded be misplaced loyalty
don't be sidetracked by hurt feelings or
sideswiped by prides pathetic rant
just Be still
remember the dream
remember it, and hold true
the right move
will reveal itself to you
something has changed
something is distorted
somehow its manipulated
there is a shift, a difference
and things are not what they seem
But you are solid
tried and true
remember that
remember who you are
despite them, or because of them
Be still
and focus
Be still
and allow the vision to
come back into view
Be still
and see how the supernatural
reveals the truth
how your path will be lighted
how you will know
where to go and
what to do
don't be blinded be misplaced loyalty
don't be sidetracked by hurt feelings or
sideswiped by prides pathetic rant
just Be still
remember the dream
remember it, and hold true
the right move
will reveal itself to you
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Private Promises
I lay my hands
flat
against your bare chest
my lips
brush softly
across your earlobe
I whisper
that it will be alright
that I want you
I need you
My hands
gently caress your neck
as you face me
my thumbs
along your hairline
my fingertips
grazing your throat
I don't move fast
I touch you slow
I have so much to tell you
to show you
to feel you
to learn you
I run my hands
along the ripple of your muscle
the strong rise
just over your hip bone
the wide expanse
of your beautiful chest
the gentle softnes
of your thick lips
I whisper in your ear
these private promises
of lust
flat
against your bare chest
my lips
brush softly
across your earlobe
I whisper
that it will be alright
that I want you
I need you
My hands
gently caress your neck
as you face me
my thumbs
along your hairline
my fingertips
grazing your throat
I don't move fast
I touch you slow
I have so much to tell you
to show you
to feel you
to learn you
I run my hands
along the ripple of your muscle
the strong rise
just over your hip bone
the wide expanse
of your beautiful chest
the gentle softnes
of your thick lips
I whisper in your ear
these private promises
of lust
Be Careful
It burns through
then it fades
the power of hate
it blazes so bright
so powerful
mesmerizing, like watching the
overture of fireworks
as confusion is stirred and
anguish is laid out
while someone is trying
to rectify a wrong
correct a mistake
lesson the intensity of
hate from your gaze
But, what if the person
no longer cares
that you hate them
the energy turns
changes
from something powerful to
something draining
pulling, eroding
while you claim hate
the person doesn't even
register your existence
and the emotion is somehow
reflected off them
and absorbed into your heart
Be careful with hate
cause you wield it as a
sharpened sword
and delight in its
pinpointed pain
but one day, no one will care
or try to soothe you or
appease you
and you will be alone
festering in your own hate
then it fades
the power of hate
it blazes so bright
so powerful
mesmerizing, like watching the
overture of fireworks
as confusion is stirred and
anguish is laid out
while someone is trying
to rectify a wrong
correct a mistake
lesson the intensity of
hate from your gaze
But, what if the person
no longer cares
that you hate them
the energy turns
changes
from something powerful to
something draining
pulling, eroding
while you claim hate
the person doesn't even
register your existence
and the emotion is somehow
reflected off them
and absorbed into your heart
Be careful with hate
cause you wield it as a
sharpened sword
and delight in its
pinpointed pain
but one day, no one will care
or try to soothe you or
appease you
and you will be alone
festering in your own hate
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
You Are
No more fights
I am battle weary
No more arguments
I am completely torn
No more silence
the quiet is killing me
No more neglect
my spirit is yearning nourishment
I need you to feed me
water me
give me warm
be my comforter
my lover
my deep dark quiet river
keeping me buoyant
afloat
be my air, an instinctive need
to take you in and
slowly release
No more uncertainty
I need substantial
No more indecision
I long for finality
You are my lifeline
my heartbeat
my soulclap
my thunder
my drumline
I need your warm
I am battle weary
No more arguments
I am completely torn
No more silence
the quiet is killing me
No more neglect
my spirit is yearning nourishment
I need you to feed me
water me
give me warm
be my comforter
my lover
my deep dark quiet river
keeping me buoyant
afloat
be my air, an instinctive need
to take you in and
slowly release
No more uncertainty
I need substantial
No more indecision
I long for finality
You are my lifeline
my heartbeat
my soulclap
my thunder
my drumline
I need your warm
Bad Dreams
As a child
the images, the dreams
were so real
I would shiver, cry, scream
terrified
of a dream
only a dream
Life felt so uncertain then
a lightly balanced plank over a
deep dangerous precipice
I knew that I had to hold on
to win
to outlast my dream
if I were to open my eyes
and continue to be
I managed to stop them
to train my brain
to wake up, snap me out of
terrors realm
release me in
realities safety
But even now
I fight them
fight the dreams that
threaten to smother me
fight the images that
try to drown me
fight the despair
that seeks to overwhelm me
the images, the dreams
were so real
I would shiver, cry, scream
terrified
of a dream
only a dream
Life felt so uncertain then
a lightly balanced plank over a
deep dangerous precipice
I knew that I had to hold on
to win
to outlast my dream
if I were to open my eyes
and continue to be
I managed to stop them
to train my brain
to wake up, snap me out of
terrors realm
release me in
realities safety
But even now
I fight them
fight the dreams that
threaten to smother me
fight the images that
try to drown me
fight the despair
that seeks to overwhelm me
Monday, January 14, 2008
The Ugly Side
What I got
was a crocheted bag
after all the bickering
in fighting and degradation
As panic crawled up my spine
and released itself
in waterfalls down my face
costume jewelry and old clothes
picture albums and antique furniture
the sum of her near eighty years
and they fought
digging through the past
laying claim to what belonged to a family
to generation
with every fowl utterance
destroying memories and
desecrating love
disintegrating integrity
dehumanizing everything she was
I quietly returned the pictures
memorized her faint script and
redeposited her letters
removed the beloved pictures
and released any claim I had
I left with her crocheted bag
the only memento
of my grandmother's life
the only unwanted item
they allowed me.
was a crocheted bag
after all the bickering
in fighting and degradation
As panic crawled up my spine
and released itself
in waterfalls down my face
costume jewelry and old clothes
picture albums and antique furniture
the sum of her near eighty years
and they fought
digging through the past
laying claim to what belonged to a family
to generation
with every fowl utterance
destroying memories and
desecrating love
disintegrating integrity
dehumanizing everything she was
I quietly returned the pictures
memorized her faint script and
redeposited her letters
removed the beloved pictures
and released any claim I had
I left with her crocheted bag
the only memento
of my grandmother's life
the only unwanted item
they allowed me.
The Reminder
a warning bell
a light sounding alarm
vibrated through my mind
as I watched him
watch her
I forgot
that he also had eyes
also had feelings
also had emotions
while my mind plays tricks
teases and flirts
languishes and lusts
he is still here,
but faced with so many...
options
She smiled at him
while I watched
he observed her flat stomach, her sculpted arms
a physique so similar
to my pre-mama one
but then, as i held my breathe
he looked away
his chin resolute
his eyes on
his children
my children
the recreation of us
splashing in the pool
I slowly exhaled
but that bell rang so sharply
reminding me
reminding me
to look at, to appreciate
what I have....
a light sounding alarm
vibrated through my mind
as I watched him
watch her
I forgot
that he also had eyes
also had feelings
also had emotions
while my mind plays tricks
teases and flirts
languishes and lusts
he is still here,
but faced with so many...
options
She smiled at him
while I watched
he observed her flat stomach, her sculpted arms
a physique so similar
to my pre-mama one
but then, as i held my breathe
he looked away
his chin resolute
his eyes on
his children
my children
the recreation of us
splashing in the pool
I slowly exhaled
but that bell rang so sharply
reminding me
reminding me
to look at, to appreciate
what I have....
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Walk Away?
What if I bit off
more than I can chew
Can I back out
say I quit
shrug my shoulders
shake my head
and start on a new path
What if life seemed
more simple than it has ever really been
Can I call time out
yell Freeze and
run for cover
can I spot Life these first 34 years
and try to recover with the rest
But that's just the problem
even if this is the wrong path
there is no guarantee of a future
all I have is a mark
a path
a record
of memories and past transactions
that is what ultimately defines who I am
and what I have done
so, if I don't develop that
take time to create or grow
the past nothing into something
then how can I possibly
walk away
more than I can chew
Can I back out
say I quit
shrug my shoulders
shake my head
and start on a new path
What if life seemed
more simple than it has ever really been
Can I call time out
yell Freeze and
run for cover
can I spot Life these first 34 years
and try to recover with the rest
But that's just the problem
even if this is the wrong path
there is no guarantee of a future
all I have is a mark
a path
a record
of memories and past transactions
that is what ultimately defines who I am
and what I have done
so, if I don't develop that
take time to create or grow
the past nothing into something
then how can I possibly
walk away
Her Spinning Head
His words of affection
make her weak
breathless
speechless
he says she
reminds him of an angel
if only he knew the truth
if only he saw the visions
stretching themselves
along the screen of her mind
they all
include him
and angelic is the last word
used to describe them
She is determined to use restraint
for now
to bind her tongue and
stifle each moan
that collects in the back of her throat
when he holds her near
light touches her neck
sprinkles a kiss on her cheek
bestows a special smile
that lingers on his face
at the sight of her
He calls her an angel
but he knows
is intrigued
understands the magnitude of
her desire
fully comprehends that her spinning head
is the result of his
carefully orchestrated plan
make her weak
breathless
speechless
he says she
reminds him of an angel
if only he knew the truth
if only he saw the visions
stretching themselves
along the screen of her mind
they all
include him
and angelic is the last word
used to describe them
She is determined to use restraint
for now
to bind her tongue and
stifle each moan
that collects in the back of her throat
when he holds her near
light touches her neck
sprinkles a kiss on her cheek
bestows a special smile
that lingers on his face
at the sight of her
He calls her an angel
but he knows
is intrigued
understands the magnitude of
her desire
fully comprehends that her spinning head
is the result of his
carefully orchestrated plan
Monday, January 07, 2008
Daddy Gap
This inner hole
I can't seem to fill it
cover it up or
block it
without the pain bubbling through
gurgling up
fizzing out every open pore
to my soul
You were worse
than absent
you were distant
cold
judgemental and
unbending
unblinking
your eyes searched my face
my body
listed out every flaw, systematically
Noting what I inherited
from them
pointing out every mistake
your mingled blood
created
I am you
yet you see no beauty in me
I am your daughter
yet I was worth nothing to you
I try to forget it
brush it off and wave it away
but the truth is
my self worth was
brushed away
piece by piece
demolished
particle by particle
during every forced encounter
with you
I can't seem to fill it
cover it up or
block it
without the pain bubbling through
gurgling up
fizzing out every open pore
to my soul
You were worse
than absent
you were distant
cold
judgemental and
unbending
unblinking
your eyes searched my face
my body
listed out every flaw, systematically
Noting what I inherited
from them
pointing out every mistake
your mingled blood
created
I am you
yet you see no beauty in me
I am your daughter
yet I was worth nothing to you
I try to forget it
brush it off and wave it away
but the truth is
my self worth was
brushed away
piece by piece
demolished
particle by particle
during every forced encounter
with you
Sunday, January 06, 2008
I Feel You
I feel you
its out there
waiting
watching
wondering whether I will
ever be bold enough
to step up
to lay claim
I feel you
your support
your energy
your strong hand
your solid frame
your inquistive mind
testing
responding
reaching out
solidifying
an idea, a desire
we are a match
so much alike
I need you
adore the
way you make me feel
the empowerment
your spirit provides
the strength your being
exudes
I feel you
its out there
waiting
watching
wondering whether I will
ever be bold enough
to step up
to lay claim
I feel you
your support
your energy
your strong hand
your solid frame
your inquistive mind
testing
responding
reaching out
solidifying
an idea, a desire
we are a match
so much alike
I need you
adore the
way you make me feel
the empowerment
your spirit provides
the strength your being
exudes
I feel you
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Success
You remind me
of something unspeakable
inevitable
lonely
but driven
the pressure to perform
to uphold
to never disappoint
to always win
Its a burden
as much as it is a gift
there are rich rewards
but devastating costs
noone seems aware
of the price
of the heavy debt
excellence requires you pay
You remind me
of something
I carried, toted
on my back
in my heart
pushing and pushing
driving and crushing
when success is not just an option
but an expected outcome
and those all around demand it
yet remain oblivious to
the
real price
that only you pay
of something unspeakable
inevitable
lonely
but driven
the pressure to perform
to uphold
to never disappoint
to always win
Its a burden
as much as it is a gift
there are rich rewards
but devastating costs
noone seems aware
of the price
of the heavy debt
excellence requires you pay
You remind me
of something
I carried, toted
on my back
in my heart
pushing and pushing
driving and crushing
when success is not just an option
but an expected outcome
and those all around demand it
yet remain oblivious to
the
real price
that only you pay
Mr. Smith
The little girl
knocked at the door
frazzled
burdened
her hair wild
her clothes mishapen
There was only so much
her little shoulders could carry
only so much
her strong mind could bear
He answered the door
overlooking her at first
but, glancing down, he read the
pain in her eyes
the hurt deep in her soul
he was the only one
who had any clue
who knew how much she suffered
who tried to ease her pain
without saying a word
20 years later
that little girl
sits here typing
remembering
admiring God's strategically placed angel
who offered comfort
when the world seemed so cold
who remained solid
when her own parents
ruptured the very ground
on which she stood
Even now,
20 years later
she remembers his smile
his dry humor
the comfort he offered
allowing her access
to the stability of his home
even now
20 years later
she thanks God that he
was in her life
even if only for a little while
knocked at the door
frazzled
burdened
her hair wild
her clothes mishapen
There was only so much
her little shoulders could carry
only so much
her strong mind could bear
He answered the door
overlooking her at first
but, glancing down, he read the
pain in her eyes
the hurt deep in her soul
he was the only one
who had any clue
who knew how much she suffered
who tried to ease her pain
without saying a word
20 years later
that little girl
sits here typing
remembering
admiring God's strategically placed angel
who offered comfort
when the world seemed so cold
who remained solid
when her own parents
ruptured the very ground
on which she stood
Even now,
20 years later
she remembers his smile
his dry humor
the comfort he offered
allowing her access
to the stability of his home
even now
20 years later
she thanks God that he
was in her life
even if only for a little while
One Mo Gain
I needed to see you
and you knew it
waited for it
confident that
I would come back
even for just a whiff
a light scent
a quick press
a lasting touch
I had to see you
look in your eyes
just one more time
see if
it was still there
if it was
as strong as it felt
as real as I
wanted it to be
I needed to see you
and you willingly
accommodated me
like you always do
always
in every little way
in every minute detail
in every unspoken way
I needed to see you
I have one more request
I know you won't deny me
you never do
just give me this
I need to get
lost in you
just
one mo gain...
and you knew it
waited for it
confident that
I would come back
even for just a whiff
a light scent
a quick press
a lasting touch
I had to see you
look in your eyes
just one more time
see if
it was still there
if it was
as strong as it felt
as real as I
wanted it to be
I needed to see you
and you willingly
accommodated me
like you always do
always
in every little way
in every minute detail
in every unspoken way
I needed to see you
I have one more request
I know you won't deny me
you never do
just give me this
I need to get
lost in you
just
one mo gain...
Friday, December 28, 2007
Remain Quiet
afraid to say
i love you
afraid it might be
too little, too late
I have doubted it
every time it passed your lips
frowned my face
wondering how
wondering why
why would you
or anyone
love me
But I am ready
ready to believe me
loveable
ready to believe me worthy
ready to try to bestow upon you
an emotion
I barely have for me
can I love you
if I don't know how to love me
I am unsure
but I want to try
I want to say it
I want to utter those three words
that seems so easy
but feel like
stones passing through my
vocal chords
I love you
but, dammit
I just can't say it
i can't force it
maybe one day you will realize
but, then again, maybe you won't
either way
I just remain quiet.
i love you
afraid it might be
too little, too late
I have doubted it
every time it passed your lips
frowned my face
wondering how
wondering why
why would you
or anyone
love me
But I am ready
ready to believe me
loveable
ready to believe me worthy
ready to try to bestow upon you
an emotion
I barely have for me
can I love you
if I don't know how to love me
I am unsure
but I want to try
I want to say it
I want to utter those three words
that seems so easy
but feel like
stones passing through my
vocal chords
I love you
but, dammit
I just can't say it
i can't force it
maybe one day you will realize
but, then again, maybe you won't
either way
I just remain quiet.
Monday, December 24, 2007
The Perfect Christmas
The Perfect Christmas
The sunlight trickles
through the window shades
snow, so light
falling perfectly
a dizzying maze of
unique imprinted
icicles from heaven
you
here with me
complete
hugged tight
my eyes resting on the festival of lights
boldly flashing from our
tiny tabletop tree
The begining
the first one
the future laid out in front of us
like an immaculately spread, magnifiscently prepared
bountiful buffet
meager gifts ignored;
You have already taken all of me and
I received the most intimately hidden wonders
of you
we have forever
we have right now
we have shared dreams
we have everything
wrapped in each other's arms
watching heavens exquisite sprinkles
I close my eyes and
melt like those beautiful snowflakes
in the sincere warmth of your kiss
the perfect Christmas
The sunlight trickles
through the window shades
snow, so light
falling perfectly
a dizzying maze of
unique imprinted
icicles from heaven
you
here with me
complete
hugged tight
my eyes resting on the festival of lights
boldly flashing from our
tiny tabletop tree
The begining
the first one
the future laid out in front of us
like an immaculately spread, magnifiscently prepared
bountiful buffet
meager gifts ignored;
You have already taken all of me and
I received the most intimately hidden wonders
of you
we have forever
we have right now
we have shared dreams
we have everything
wrapped in each other's arms
watching heavens exquisite sprinkles
I close my eyes and
melt like those beautiful snowflakes
in the sincere warmth of your kiss
the perfect Christmas
I Owe You
I think I owe you
a little bit more
maybe not the truth
Im not ready to
go there yet
but more
My loyalty
for all you have been
to me
a beam of support
a strength through the night
your whispered tones
trailing a path
down my neck
along my
sides
tickling me so lightly
caressing so gently
My patience
for any perceived fault
ignoring any deserved slight
understanding that we
have dragged this thing on
without definition
and frustration makes us
reach out and
harm, hurt and maim
one another
My love
for the brilliant being
that dwells so humbly
within you
that you mask and cover
but allow me to
peep and
revel in your shine
I owe you something
a little bit more
not the truth
not yet
but certainly
every other bit
of me
a little bit more
maybe not the truth
Im not ready to
go there yet
but more
My loyalty
for all you have been
to me
a beam of support
a strength through the night
your whispered tones
trailing a path
down my neck
along my
sides
tickling me so lightly
caressing so gently
My patience
for any perceived fault
ignoring any deserved slight
understanding that we
have dragged this thing on
without definition
and frustration makes us
reach out and
harm, hurt and maim
one another
My love
for the brilliant being
that dwells so humbly
within you
that you mask and cover
but allow me to
peep and
revel in your shine
I owe you something
a little bit more
not the truth
not yet
but certainly
every other bit
of me
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Staring
Breathless
stunned and dazed
amazed
straddling your lap
sinking softly into your firmness
staring into your
light brown eyes
forehead pressed against yours
lips laid gently
upon yours
but not kissing
staring
with each rise
with each fall
staring
staring
staring
lost in this sea
your eyes
the wonder of your being
who is this person?
why does he inspire
beauty in me,
imagination and freedom
each whispered promise
singing like a gentle lullaby
soothing the crevices
of my soul
riding this ocean
slowly
so slowly
lifting and lowering with
each magnifiscent wave
my forehead against his
our eyes wide open, locked
united
lips touching, ever so softly
but parted, open
gasping
hypnotized
in love
do you remember?
stunned and dazed
amazed
straddling your lap
sinking softly into your firmness
staring into your
light brown eyes
forehead pressed against yours
lips laid gently
upon yours
but not kissing
staring
with each rise
with each fall
staring
staring
staring
lost in this sea
your eyes
the wonder of your being
who is this person?
why does he inspire
beauty in me,
imagination and freedom
each whispered promise
singing like a gentle lullaby
soothing the crevices
of my soul
riding this ocean
slowly
so slowly
lifting and lowering with
each magnifiscent wave
my forehead against his
our eyes wide open, locked
united
lips touching, ever so softly
but parted, open
gasping
hypnotized
in love
do you remember?
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
The Truth
You want me to share you
but I don't want to
I am not ready to release
the fantasies of us
of the couple we could be
of the partnership we could have
of the lovin we could make
of the intimacies we could share
I am not ready
to relinquish all of that
to acknowledge this friendship
will never be romance
to announce to my heart
what my mind always suspected
I am nothin more
than your friend
Its selfish I know
immature, I admit
but the truth
is what it is
and I,
I am not ready
to let go
but I don't want to
I am not ready to release
the fantasies of us
of the couple we could be
of the partnership we could have
of the lovin we could make
of the intimacies we could share
I am not ready
to relinquish all of that
to acknowledge this friendship
will never be romance
to announce to my heart
what my mind always suspected
I am nothin more
than your friend
Its selfish I know
immature, I admit
but the truth
is what it is
and I,
I am not ready
to let go
Avoidance
His eyes are on her
she can feel it
without looking
without confirming
becuase her heartbeat quickens
and her palms just got sweaty
He is watching her and
she is not sure why
it must be innocent,
his intentions
his wishes
although a million voltages
seem to pierce into her side
with each glance,
burning her mind
inflaming her imagination
She can't look back
not directly at him
she floats her eyes
over and around
under and beside
anything to avoid
his penetrating look
because the truth
is in her eyes
the wanting is drawn out
like a detailed portrait
and she can't control it
didn't ask for it
does not understand her primal response
her sexual magnetism
to his adoring stare
She looks everywhere
but not at him...
she can feel it
without looking
without confirming
becuase her heartbeat quickens
and her palms just got sweaty
He is watching her and
she is not sure why
it must be innocent,
his intentions
his wishes
although a million voltages
seem to pierce into her side
with each glance,
burning her mind
inflaming her imagination
She can't look back
not directly at him
she floats her eyes
over and around
under and beside
anything to avoid
his penetrating look
because the truth
is in her eyes
the wanting is drawn out
like a detailed portrait
and she can't control it
didn't ask for it
does not understand her primal response
her sexual magnetism
to his adoring stare
She looks everywhere
but not at him...
Monday, December 17, 2007
Soul Search
So tired of being alone
surrounded by people
but remaining companionless
interacting with so many
but being understood by
none
So tired of being alone
fighting back
empty, fending for myself
fighting for myself
defending my worth
my deserved love
trying to find a pocket in which
I finally fit
I am accepted
within which I can receive
unconditional love
Unconditional love
where he finds me delightful, just because
deserving, just because
irregardless of what things
I have done for him
Im tired
of the internal silence
invading my eardrums and
drowning out all other sound
while my soul searches
for its genuine mate
Im tired
surrounded by people
but remaining companionless
interacting with so many
but being understood by
none
So tired of being alone
fighting back
empty, fending for myself
fighting for myself
defending my worth
my deserved love
trying to find a pocket in which
I finally fit
I am accepted
within which I can receive
unconditional love
Unconditional love
where he finds me delightful, just because
deserving, just because
irregardless of what things
I have done for him
Im tired
of the internal silence
invading my eardrums and
drowning out all other sound
while my soul searches
for its genuine mate
Im tired
Friday, December 14, 2007
She Took You Away
How did she
take you away from me?
tell me - i desperately need to know
Did she whisper in your ear
and affirm you masculine wonder
did she sprinkle you with affirmation
lightly oil you in excitement
in pure wonder
addicted to what you are
what you are capable of invoking?
Did she wield her pen
and scribe for you an intimate telling
a vision of the light that
shines in her innermost cavern,
of the candle you lit deep
deep, so deep within
by your unique scent
your pressured fingertips, and
the light tickle
from the tip of your perfect tongue?
Did she sing you a song
of lust
that out strummed my rhythm?
Did she dance for you
a sensuos overture that made you forget
how you made me sway
swing, dip, shake and vibrate
bellydancing my unique expression
for you?
Did she sit at the piano
stroking the melody that
your bountiful manness
automatically inspires
overplaying the many tunes
which poured from my hands?
Dont turn your back on me.
pleez, tell me
how did she
take you away from me?
take you away from me?
tell me - i desperately need to know
Did she whisper in your ear
and affirm you masculine wonder
did she sprinkle you with affirmation
lightly oil you in excitement
in pure wonder
addicted to what you are
what you are capable of invoking?
Did she wield her pen
and scribe for you an intimate telling
a vision of the light that
shines in her innermost cavern,
of the candle you lit deep
deep, so deep within
by your unique scent
your pressured fingertips, and
the light tickle
from the tip of your perfect tongue?
Did she sing you a song
of lust
that out strummed my rhythm?
Did she dance for you
a sensuos overture that made you forget
how you made me sway
swing, dip, shake and vibrate
bellydancing my unique expression
for you?
Did she sit at the piano
stroking the melody that
your bountiful manness
automatically inspires
overplaying the many tunes
which poured from my hands?
Dont turn your back on me.
pleez, tell me
how did she
take you away from me?
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Ole Me
Felt alluring
sexy
mischievous and
adventurous
enjoying flirting
light hearted teasing
seeing your response and
your intense reaction
but then
I spotted my reflection
and my facade
came tumbling down
instead of the
temptress
the femme fatale
I wanted to be
I spotted
plain ole brown me
just me
the energy drained out of me
the confidence seeped away
my insecurities weighed
like a brick
around my throat
I became
embarrassed, humiliated
I fell quiet
while you watched me, confused
But what had I been thinking
how had I fooled myself
how had I forgotten the basic truth
who would want
the plain brown ordinary
ole me
sexy
mischievous and
adventurous
enjoying flirting
light hearted teasing
seeing your response and
your intense reaction
but then
I spotted my reflection
and my facade
came tumbling down
instead of the
temptress
the femme fatale
I wanted to be
I spotted
plain ole brown me
just me
the energy drained out of me
the confidence seeped away
my insecurities weighed
like a brick
around my throat
I became
embarrassed, humiliated
I fell quiet
while you watched me, confused
But what had I been thinking
how had I fooled myself
how had I forgotten the basic truth
who would want
the plain brown ordinary
ole me
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
What If
What if
I have always loved you
really
What if
our first meeting
was destiny
a divine plan
a universal intervention
What if
we were supposed to
always know each other
be here for each other
What if
we messed it up
when you chose her
and I chose him
what if the choosing
swung us away from
what our fate had
already determined
aligning us only
in a friendship
in a supportship
instead of
a lifeship
Tell me the truth
Haven't you ever wondered
what if?
I have always loved you
really
What if
our first meeting
was destiny
a divine plan
a universal intervention
What if
we were supposed to
always know each other
be here for each other
What if
we messed it up
when you chose her
and I chose him
what if the choosing
swung us away from
what our fate had
already determined
aligning us only
in a friendship
in a supportship
instead of
a lifeship
Tell me the truth
Haven't you ever wondered
what if?
The Departing
I knew
it was the last time
I would see his face
my heart hurt
becuase there was
nothing I could do
no way I could
stop time
turn back fate
and make it different
My blessed grandfather
cried when he saw me
tears poured down his face
as I hugged him tight
I needed to see him
My soul told me to go
to make it happen
but I didn't realize
until the morning of my
return flight home
that I would
never see him
alive
again
I just knew
as he stood in the carport
and waved at me
blew kisses
his smooth dark face
wet with tears
a sudden fear
realization claimed my sense
clenched my insides
the desperate need to
vomit
overtook my brain
I couldn't stop the car
I couldn't turn back time
I didn't know the time or the date
but my soul
felt like a stone
dropping to the very pit of me
I never saw him
alive
again
it was the last time
I would see his face
my heart hurt
becuase there was
nothing I could do
no way I could
stop time
turn back fate
and make it different
My blessed grandfather
cried when he saw me
tears poured down his face
as I hugged him tight
I needed to see him
My soul told me to go
to make it happen
but I didn't realize
until the morning of my
return flight home
that I would
never see him
alive
again
I just knew
as he stood in the carport
and waved at me
blew kisses
his smooth dark face
wet with tears
a sudden fear
realization claimed my sense
clenched my insides
the desperate need to
vomit
overtook my brain
I couldn't stop the car
I couldn't turn back time
I didn't know the time or the date
but my soul
felt like a stone
dropping to the very pit of me
I never saw him
alive
again
Just Because
Just because
you haven't seen me latelty
doesn't mean
I haven't thought of you
wished you well
wondered about you
hoped the best for you
Just because I haven't
had time to cross your path
doesn't mean
I'm not still
amazed by you
so impressed by you
encouraging you
inspired by you
Just because you haven't
seen my face
met my eyes
heard my voice
doesn't mean
that the caring is
any less intense
the longing
any less real
the desire
any less acute
Just because our life's path
hasn't crossed again
doesn't mean I
don't hold you dear
hold you near
Just because...
you haven't seen me latelty
doesn't mean
I haven't thought of you
wished you well
wondered about you
hoped the best for you
Just because I haven't
had time to cross your path
doesn't mean
I'm not still
amazed by you
so impressed by you
encouraging you
inspired by you
Just because you haven't
seen my face
met my eyes
heard my voice
doesn't mean
that the caring is
any less intense
the longing
any less real
the desire
any less acute
Just because our life's path
hasn't crossed again
doesn't mean I
don't hold you dear
hold you near
Just because...
Friday, December 07, 2007
Forever
The truth is
I want to make love to you
I want to wrap my arms
around you
I want to kiss you deeply
passionately
make the roof of your mouth
tingle
The truth is
I want to learn you
learn what you like
love
what makes you lose control
what makes you stare at me
watch me
with a mystified expression
as you feel new sensations
and learn love
on a deeper level
The truth is
I want to make love to you
to physically express all these emotions
that you stir up within me
until you shudder with delight
until you feel as special
as wanted
as adored
as loved
as you make me feel
The truth is
I could go on and on
forever
I want to make love to you
I want to wrap my arms
around you
I want to kiss you deeply
passionately
make the roof of your mouth
tingle
The truth is
I want to learn you
learn what you like
love
what makes you lose control
what makes you stare at me
watch me
with a mystified expression
as you feel new sensations
and learn love
on a deeper level
The truth is
I want to make love to you
to physically express all these emotions
that you stir up within me
until you shudder with delight
until you feel as special
as wanted
as adored
as loved
as you make me feel
The truth is
I could go on and on
forever
Thursday, December 06, 2007
In Love
I think I
love you
as impossible as it sounds
as unlikely as
it may be
as simple as the concept is
it has confused every
aspect of me
This burning breathless
sensation
doesn't feel good
needing to see you
doesn't feel pleasant
I feel lik I am
running out of breath
water is rising rising
soon to cover my head
and drown me in the
thoughts of you
You got me panicked
not sure if you will stay
not wanting you to go
can't lay claim
can't figure out why
I, I think I am
in love with you
but I don't like
the feel of love
the aftertaste
clings to me
uncomfortable, this fit is
too tight
to uncertain and I am
entirely too
vulnerable
love you
as impossible as it sounds
as unlikely as
it may be
as simple as the concept is
it has confused every
aspect of me
This burning breathless
sensation
doesn't feel good
needing to see you
doesn't feel pleasant
I feel lik I am
running out of breath
water is rising rising
soon to cover my head
and drown me in the
thoughts of you
You got me panicked
not sure if you will stay
not wanting you to go
can't lay claim
can't figure out why
I, I think I am
in love with you
but I don't like
the feel of love
the aftertaste
clings to me
uncomfortable, this fit is
too tight
to uncertain and I am
entirely too
vulnerable
Run Away
I always retreat, huh?
when this becomes too close
too real
too open
me wide
that's when its time
for me to withdraw
You do it too
don't act like you don't
a deep conversation
a whispered reality
my dreams and fantasies
a forbidden visit
hours we will share
then, you
don't return a phone call
an email
a text
and we remain on mute
for months at a time
I retreat
You withdraw
we collide
by fate, by coincidence
another phone call
another conversation
another uniting
another blissful encounter
and we both run away
we both run away
when this becomes too close
too real
too open
me wide
that's when its time
for me to withdraw
You do it too
don't act like you don't
a deep conversation
a whispered reality
my dreams and fantasies
a forbidden visit
hours we will share
then, you
don't return a phone call
an email
a text
and we remain on mute
for months at a time
I retreat
You withdraw
we collide
by fate, by coincidence
another phone call
another conversation
another uniting
another blissful encounter
and we both run away
we both run away
Tore It Up
I wrote you a love letter
from the deepest regions of my heart
My pen bled my hidden secrets
how much I've loved you
for so long
But I tore it up.
I wrote you a truth
a simple truth
and in the writing I discovered
that you have always been a part of me
that we have always had a safe space
a special boundary
but I have always wanted more
I never realized it
until I read
my own writing
and
accepting reality
I tore it up.
I tore it up
because we have never
come close
and I will never be bold enough
to tell the truth
brave enough
to say what I feel
no matter how you will respond
making me weak
spineless
and leaving me with
nothing more
than tiny shreds of paper
I wrote the truth
but I tore it up.
from the deepest regions of my heart
My pen bled my hidden secrets
how much I've loved you
for so long
But I tore it up.
I wrote you a truth
a simple truth
and in the writing I discovered
that you have always been a part of me
that we have always had a safe space
a special boundary
but I have always wanted more
I never realized it
until I read
my own writing
and
accepting reality
I tore it up.
I tore it up
because we have never
come close
and I will never be bold enough
to tell the truth
brave enough
to say what I feel
no matter how you will respond
making me weak
spineless
and leaving me with
nothing more
than tiny shreds of paper
I wrote the truth
but I tore it up.
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Molten Lava
Like molten lava
deep ebony chocolate
surging smoothness of
definte perfected proportions
I finally really see you
speechless
wordless
my brain ceases communication
terminates background noise
cingularly directed
magnetized and focused
Like carmelized sugar
deeply enriched honey
a slight taste
overwhelms the sense
raising the pressure and igniting fantasies
leaving me longing
wishing
wanting for
another chance with you
another chance with
molten chocolate lava
burning a deep path
across my being...
deep ebony chocolate
surging smoothness of
definte perfected proportions
I finally really see you
speechless
wordless
my brain ceases communication
terminates background noise
cingularly directed
magnetized and focused
Like carmelized sugar
deeply enriched honey
a slight taste
overwhelms the sense
raising the pressure and igniting fantasies
leaving me longing
wishing
wanting for
another chance with you
another chance with
molten chocolate lava
burning a deep path
across my being...
Saturday, December 01, 2007
Beautiful Soul
In the wee hours of the night
I see your eyes
watching
wanting
wishing
remembering
I am captivated
wishing I could read
the unspoken words
the untraced thoughts
the silent meaning
the havy longing
In the wee hours of the night
I feel you watching
I crack my lids
to silently meet you
reveal the mirrored emotion
stare into the windows
of your beautiful soul
I see your eyes
watching
wanting
wishing
remembering
I am captivated
wishing I could read
the unspoken words
the untraced thoughts
the silent meaning
the havy longing
In the wee hours of the night
I feel you watching
I crack my lids
to silently meet you
reveal the mirrored emotion
stare into the windows
of your beautiful soul
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