Love Tide

The truth is
i love you
although I cannot say it
and i adore you
although the words
remain trapped in my throat

You possess a rare
kindness
that lets me breathe
allows me to expand and explore
test and try
experiment and love

you don't betray me with
judgment
ridicule
withdrawal
cold neglect

and i want to nestle in
the sweet savory comfort of you
burrow in the confident maleness of you
and allow your love
to completely cover me

the truth is
i love you
that I am
swept away
overwhelmed by your
loving tide

Missing Link

Like a missing link I
I search for you

long for you
mourn for you
trying to fill
this inner void
this missing me
so empty
it makes me nauseous
threatening to
turn inside out
flip my inner turmoil
into my outer shell
render me putrid and ugly
riddled with angst

the emptiness within me

remember this chasm opened
tore away at the edges and
stretched so thin
my cover
imploded
my security
disappeared
You left me alone

forever searching
looking
seeking you
and what piece of me
came from you
and what part of me
still resides with you
how did it escape me
how did you
abscond with me
with that vital missing link
without which
every day
is a struggle

I Just Can't

Of course I think about him
during those quiet moments
when the soul can't evade the mind
and noise can't filter out old memories

and I worry
what life behind bars
does to him
to anyone
how he is affected and disconnected
how we are unattached and unaffiliated
how all it takes
is one call
or a letter
a simple postcard

to let him know I care
that he is on my mind
in my thoughts
stirring around my memory

But I can't
holding the pen over blank paper
I can't write and
holding the phone over
vast dial tone
I can't dial and
driving up to the penitentiary
I cant peel myself
from the car

I can't
I just can't

Its weird
or crazy
frustrating or psychotic
because I am not mad
don't regret and no longer resent
I just can't
the memories no longer torment
the absence no longer burns
but still
I can't

and I pray to God that one day I will
Find the strength to
disrupt this cocoon
tear through the malignant state
and be a daughter
despite all the things
my father never was
but right now
I just can't

Whatever I Like

Can I really have
whatever I like?
even if that
means you
totally
or at least
without she
temporarily

If that's what I want
is that what you'll give
and if that's what you'd give
will you be satisfied
with that in receipt
with me
temporarily
without he
but never permanently
cuz my life
and my time
and certainly my love
don't totally belong to me

So can you handle it
can you give me
whatever I like
when my like
fancies you and me
me and you
he and I
in our own
private dance
for a limited time
without obligation and
minus love permutations
or emotion complications
just mind blowing physical expressions

can you give me that
if you are giving me
whatever I like

Peace

Peace
evades me
skirting my mind and
delving into hidden corners
avoiding
turmoil and
anxiety
stress and pressure
repelling any semblance of
calm that
I once had

Peace
disappoints me
because I need it
so desperately
tonight
I need to feel connected and
drawn in
loved and
linked to
instead of
floating aimlessly
wonderingly mindlessly
unable to
feel normal
in my skin

Peace
is tormenting me
having allowed me to
taste his lips and
touch his skin
having stared
deep in my eyes and
shown me fire
having united with
my soul and devoured
my body
now he leaves
me
now I am
alone
needing peace

needing peace

Peace
got the best of me
the strong rushing of
emotion
drowning out his call
roaring past his promises
and I feel so lost
so purposely
so lonely
without
peace