Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Soul Cry

The lover
of my soul
you are

my heart's reason
for throbbing
you know me
well
so well

so you must know I love you
without it
ever being said

your silence
making my mind
ache
and my
essence cry

You are
the lover of my soul
the healer of my heart
and you know
that I love you
without it
ever needing
to be said

I miss you

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Reliance

I turned to him for comfort
I received coldness
I turned to him for love
I received judgement
I turned to him for clarity
I received disdain
I turned to him for salvation
I received emptiness

I turned to her for acceptance
she called me ugly
I looked to her for advice
she called me fool
I called on her for support
she called me failure
I reached for her acknowledgement
she named me pathetic

I waited for something whole
but my soul was tattered and torn
I waited for an exit
but met a constant dead end
I waited for a break
and instead fell down life's merciless pit

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Foolishly Forever

Forever
I promised forever
always
I meant it
foolishly

now unable to
route me
can't establish the link
to seductive betrayal
can't force my footstep
outside the box
for fulfillment

I bound myself
forever
and love changed
but I'm here
forever
and this noose
is slowly
strangling me...

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

TRIBUTE: SOFTEN MY SOUL

Tribute: Soften My Soul

I sat on the edge of the tub, waiting. This cannot happen to me. Not now. I had managed to make it through high school, undergrad, 2 years of work and law school without so much as a slipup. A month ago, I signed my contract of employment with the law firm, which contained the six figure salary that would be the key to my future. At 26, I already earned triple my parents salary. Now, when things were finally falling into place and the life I had dreamt of was within my grasp, I was possibly pregnant. This just cannot happen to me.

But the past two weeks had been a blur of cramps and nausea. When I wasn’t vomiting, I experienced hot flashes, cold flashes and embarrassing mood swings. Just that afternoon, I had cried at the firm’s lunch conference, frustrated that my coworker nabbed the last brownie.

So I bought the home pregnancy test and locked myself in my bathroom, praying that my good fortune hadn’t come to an end. I finally gathered my nerve and glanced at the window indicator. With two clear stripes of pink, my worst fears were confirmed.

What am I going to do? Simple. I have to hide it. Relying on my own flawed understanding, hiding it became the most logical conclusion in the world. Except for my husband, I just wouldn’t tell anyone. Never mind that I would eventually begin to show. Or that it was ludicrous for a professional married woman to hide a pregnancy. I only had one clear thought: there was no way I would let the firm know that they had just invested six figures in an attorney who would be taking maternity leave in 9 months.

I walked around with my little secret, ignoring the cause of my sudden unrelenting illness. Two weeks later, while sitting at my desk, I became overwhelmed with cramps. Worried, I rushed to the restroom. In the stall, I doubled over in pain, but clenched my teeth, determined to get through it. When the pain finally subsided, I noticed the spots. Blood. Oh no. Oh, God, no.

I ran back to my office, grabbed my purse and cell phone, mumbled something to my secretary, and left the building. In the car, I called the doctor.

“Doctor’s office. May I help you?”

“Yes. I am spotting. Pregnant. I need to see someone, now.”

“Where are you?”

“D.C.” The lights were taking forever to turn green. The people wouldn’t get out of the crosswalk. MOVE. Something is wrong with my baby.

“Go to our satellite office. It’s closer. I will phone ahead and tell them you’re coming.”

She gave me the directions. I tore through the city, my heart beating faster and my breath becoming shallow. I can’t lose my baby. It had never occurred to me that something bad could happen or that the baby wouldn’t make it. During that car ride, the “it” that had invaded my body, that I had barely spoken about and had tried to ignore with all my might, became my baby.

When I arrived at the office, the nurses escorted me to the back room for a sonogram. The head nurse arrived. It will be alright. It has to. She attempted to make small talk, but I didn’t hear a word. I prayed silently that I hadn’t neglected my poor child before she was ever given a chance.

“Mrs. Moore, you can get dressed.”

“Huh? You said the doctor would see me.”

“Yes, I did. But I don’t think he will need to perform a follow up sono, after all. He would like to talk with you in his office instead.

I nodded. He will just tell me that I need rest. I never get bad news at the doctor’s office, except for the stupid weigh in. It will be alright.

I pulled on my clothes and followed the nurse down the hall.

“Mrs. Moore, please have a seat.”

I glanced at the pleasant looking man before me and wondered how long this would take. I hope this is quick. I need to get back to work.

“Mrs. Moore, I am sorry to tell you this, but the fetus does not have a heart beat.”

A loud clap filled me ears, followed by the sound of cloth tearing. I shut my eyes and shook my head to clear my hearing. I couldn’t have heard him right. “I’m sorry,” I said with a little smile, scoffing at myself, “For some reason, I thought you said… I mean, I couldn’t really hear you. What did you say?

“Mrs. Moore, your fetus. There is no heartbeat.”

“What? No, that’s not right.”

“Yes, Mrs. Moore, we have the pictures of the sonogram right here. See the mass? There.” He tapped the circle at the bottom of the swirl of black and white. “I am afraid that is the fetus. It does not have a heartbeat. You will need to schedule an emergency D&C.”

“A what?”

His lips continued to move, as he carefully used technical words like fetus, mass and removal. My heart had stopped beating. My baby is dead. I had ignored her, had been ashamed of her. I had chosen the six figure salary over my precious baby. She wasn’t just a fetus or a mass. She was my child and I had lost her. I had cruelly neglected her very existence.

I felt my mouth open. I heard his stream of words abruptly halt. The cry from my soul must have shocked him, because he sat with his mouth open and eyes wide, while I loudly sobbed. The head nurse quickly entered the room and handed me tissue. I stood up to exit, my cries echoing through the office. As we walked past the other nurses and patients, they bent their heads together and whispered, their faces full of pity. I never felt more alone.

That evening I talked to my husband. We prayed. I called my girlfriends. We prayed. They formed a prayer circle and prayed. In the midst of prayer, someone suggested a second opinion. A few phone calls later revealed that a radiologist had an opening the following Monday. God please grant my baby a second chance. Please, God, grant me a second chance.

This time, my husband went with me. After a long wait, the moment finally arrived. If my child had passed away, at least I would get one last chance to see her, one last chance to apologize. The radiologist glanced through my chart and then began her search for the baby. Finally, we spotted her, a tiny tadpole shaped being.

“Do you see the red spot that keeps blinking?” asked the radiologist, a huge smile covering her face.

I nodded.

“That’s the baby’s heartbeat. She is fine.”

My husband bowed his head in relief. My child had been spared from a horrible mistake or granted a second chance at life. I will never know which. But I learned that my baby was a rare and precious gift, one that I would never again take for granted.

Bio:

Aisha K. Moore, Esq., pseudonym a.Kai, is a published poet and novelist who enjoys writing inspirational, fantasy, sci fi (speculative fiction), commercial and adult fiction. Her Discover Kai Poetry Collection is an intimate monthly log of experiences, emotions and reflection that consists of six published collections, including Cherished Beginnings, Intimate Musings, Internal Indulgences and Peaceful Resolution. She is a contributing poet to Step Up to the Mic: A Poetic Explosion (Poetic Press). Her poetry has been recognized in a number of magazines, book clubs and literary circles and is posted on a number of websites and blogs.

Her inspirational short story, Second Chance, has been published in True: Vol. 2 and her short story, The Marks, was published by The Writer’s Cafe’ Press in the anthology Light at the Edge of Darkness. A third short story, Mikki’s Anniversary, is included in the anthology If It Ain’t One Thing, It’s Another. She is a guest reviewer for RAWSISTAZ Book Club.

A wife and mother of five, Aisha graduated from Georgetown University Law Center and is licensed to practice in both Washington D.C. and Maryland. She is employed by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) where she works in employment discrimination matters. For more information, visit her at www.discoverkai.com, www.discoverkai.blogspot.com or www.myspace.com/discoverkai.

Tribute To Mothers

My Grandmother:

Soft Hands

Time has surrounded me
encumbered me
binding and strapping me
restricting my reach to memories

I cannot bring back the past
Oh, how I want to,
just to experience as
many of those moments of you
as I can

I am bound to the magnetic tunnel of time
unable to crack it
forward motion never stopping, never releasing me
I cannot get extra
cannot stretch out this second, moment, minute
see?
it is already gone

I just want to see her again.
Just one more time
hear the tinkling laugh
the gentle voice
hold the soft hand that felt like
the bottom of a newborns foot
The hands that would place me in her lap,
rub my back, pray over me and
cover me with love
God inspired protection

Annie Ophelia
I miss you, but I understand
you have been released and
the pain is finally gone

But every now and then, in my dreams
I am that little girl again
in endless love with
her beautiful grandmother
holding onto your soft, soft hand....


My Daughters:


Achieve, Little Girl

You can achieve the unlimited
Capable of dreams and imaginings
unthinkable to
generations past

Soar, little girl, soar
I see you and I know you
only self doubt and deception
can steal your love and being
stand in your way
only you can stop you

Fight through it, little girl, please
Press, press, press forward
to the promised destiny
fulfilling generations of prayers
tied supernaturally to divine faith

It's yours, little girl
it belongs to you
step into it with
inherent entitlement
grasp and hold on through
certain controversy and
designed distraction

Be blessed, little girl
be blessed
knowing it is not impossible
rather, it is predetermined and
very necessary for you to
fulfill that dream
achieve unlimited heights
clear paths for future legacy.

I love you, little girl, I do.



My Baby Girl

You are filled with a unique essence
you exude deep loves joy
your being rhythmically inspired and musically imbued
I am simply amazed by your very existence

Baby girl, in my womb you twisted and turned
rocked to inner dimensions clear vibrations
molding your natural melody and
developing intellectual prowess
your internal beat and flow
so different yet so perfect

Now I watch you
dance and spin
bounce and hop
twirl and tumble
climb and fall
nod your head and close your young eyes
rocking to the precious savory personal tune
He has instilled within your spirit

Your phenomenal radiation
simply unspeakable
a pure cosmically manifested essence
you are my life

On Being A Mother:

A Mother

I am a mother
Can you imagine that?
unbelievable

I still find myself amazed that
in His infinite wisdom
He chose me
looked upon me and smiled
decided to bless
with morsels of His light
that shine golden
spread brilliant
reflect lovely

I am a mother
so undeserving yet
so completely thankful
reaping joy in each accomplishment
mending my heart, strengthening my soul
trying to encourage
behind each and every disappointment

This love is indescribable
breathtaking and sincere
all consuming
I will give my life
my heart
my mind
my essence
my all
to mold these phenomenal spirits
into the unique vessels
they were destined to be

I am a mother

To My Eldest, who is leaving for college:

My Young Black Man

An entire future is
waiting for you
breathless with anticipation
hoping, praying, pleading
for you to stay on track

My young black man

The boy in you is
growing up, maturing
changing and expanding
discovering talents
developing skills

You were purposely
hidden in the shadows
your gifts apparent
your uniqueness so identifiable
I hid you in the depths of my heart
for protection
minimizing exposure
keeping your world small
to allow you to
plant roots and
grow firm

Maybe it wasn't right
but it was the best I could do

Now you emerge
split through the timid form
stepping forth a man
exuding strength and character
calm and love
fulfillment and destiny
just a stones throw away

Hang on, my young black man
please follow your path
be careful with your life
treat your being with respect
remain prayerfully diligent
that your way is lighted,
path predetermined
success guaranteed


My Baby Boy:

Baby Jordan

10 months of peace and calm

This special baby
residing in me
caused my spirit to
be still
turmoil to subside
he brought me
peace

It nestled into my essence
contaminated every fiber
consumed all ill will
confusion and mistrust

I had never experienced it before

Did not know that life could be quiet
that joy existed in each ray of sunlight
trickling through a sparkling window
Contentment presented itself in the
regularity of morning, noon and night
calm emerged as a blanket of safety and
cloak of security

This special baby

like the sprinkling of cool waters
in the midst of a fierce sun
and the calm lapping of lakes
against overflowing banks
Jordan,
my unique deliverer of peace

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Breathed You

Your exhale
became my inhale
my intake
my access to your
very essence
adoring you inner core
so in love
I simply
breathed you

Monday, May 12, 2008

The Test

He tested the waters
dipped a finger in to
judge the level of my heat
the clarity of my response
the solidness of my answers

But, no more tests for me
deciding I am ready
for all that he has to offer
if he is ready
to accept me on my terms
meaning
he can never have
all of me
what I can carve out and
steal away
is all that I can offer

He threw out the bait
to see if I would bite
Instead I grabbed hold of the line
wrapped the cord around my body
and hoped when he felt my tug
he would reel up my entirety

He didn't
the tug too strong
the obvious too apparent
he took a taste test
but when my desire stung his tongue
he spit me out
and turned his back

Friday, May 09, 2008

Believe Me Weak

too safe
my love has been
patient
trying to understand
desperately wanting to communicate
to receive back one fraction of
the undisputed support
I've poured out

But you assume me weak

Because I forgave
repented to keep the peace
struggled to learn
in hope of pleasing
in hope of satiating
choosing you
over me

You think me weak

Its a mistake
to not recognize my power
the innate strength that has kept me alive
despite you
despite them
despite it all
that inexplicable thing that still lets me love
despite you
despite them
despite it all

my love has been too easy
and you assume I will always be here
forgetting that
at the root of it all
I am a woman
I am a woman
I am a woman

and while your rude neglect
and passive aggressive attacks
silent attempts to harm
devious actions to undermine
may seem to keep you on top
in power
and
victorious
because you think me confused

weak and easy

my love is twofold
my needs will be met
my desires will be fulfilled
my dreams will be accomplished
my body will receive the wanted touch
my fllame will always burn

while you believe me weak

Monday, May 05, 2008

Slow to Speak

So much I wanted to tell him
so much I needed to say
in all that time the
words wouldn't come
because of shyness
of anticipated rejection
or just complete denial that I was
absorbed in loves grip

I wanted to tell him
I thought him beautiful
and uniquely special
worthy and so genuinely entitled
i hoped his future would
open an oasis of dreams realized
and his life
would be a painted canvas of rich hues and
colorful inspirations


I wanted to admit that I loved him and
always would
that his eyes on me
melted my inner core
turned solid rock into thick churning lava
made the pounding of my breath a mere echo
of the deep current flowing through me

I wanted to whisper that he was forever mine
or I was forever his
forever what he needed me to be
forever willing to
renew me
respin this
restyle us
just to see his shy grin and
quiet smile
just to have him focused on me
i would hand over the world
for him

But I never said it
because i never thought
I would run out of time
I didn't know that
the seconds move forward and
you can't reach back
rewind
recapture those tender moments and
lovely spaces and
memorialize them anywhere other
than the chamber of my heart
from which I now speak

So much I wanted to tell him
but, suddenly, one day
we were in different hemispheres
life abruptly switched tracks and
redirected our focus
and every word unspoken
hidden within my hesitant soul
had already found
its eternal resting place

damnit,
I had so much
I wanted to tell him

Stay Away

You are forbidden
off limits and
unacceptable
yet you radiate such a
raw heat
a wanting desire
an unharnessed sensual energy
it loudly summons me
calls to me
distracts my perceptions and
interferes with my logic

I am scared of you
afraid of you
of I
of what I would do
of what we could do
be
where we would begin
the drowning satisfaction that
would lead to
what end?
how explosive this
infusion would be
until
stretching and morphing
and imploding into
something disastrous
painful
terrible
hateful

Lust like this
doesn't lead to healthy
or sane
it leads to tears and
threats
heartburn and
fights
painful words and
verbal lashings
paranoia and stalking
never getting enough
always needing more
hating the longing
but addicted
so addicted

I know me
how addicted to you
I would be

so please stay away
keep your forbidden self
as far from me
as possible
give me a chance
at clarity
at reality
at the mundane boring stability
of normal love and normal life
just promise
to keep your white hot
insatiable flame
away from me