Still Linger

Is it possible
that after all the woman
all the forbidden kisses and
unmentionable rendevous
after all the broken promises and
callous lies
the conquered quests and
intimate encounters

After all that you have tasted
touched
savored
and marinated in

After all the lust

I still linger in your mind

Is that really possible?

Celebrate

I want to celebrate you
want to wrap my arms
around your fullness and
bury my head in your chest
my heart in your spirit
my mind in your knowledge
my soul in your wonder

I want to celebrate with dignity
covering our weak spots
by glorifying the strong stretches
the links that bond
the bridge
that is you
crossing into peace and prosperity
wealth measured in
bountifulness and expansion
seedlings and future
you have made me
rich

I want to celebrate
loving you
wanting you
needing you
rejoicing in you

I want to celebrate you

Dim

Like black spots
by the dazzling sun
stinging to stare directly
torturing to take on its blaze
but unable to turn away

I was so in love
with you
that even now it
blows my mind
amazes me
dazzles me
that I could be so open
and fascinated
certain and
taken...

blinded,
looking away when love
damaged the retina and
forever blurred my sight
but, compared to your
magnificent love
everything else after you
seemed so
dim-

For You

This kiss
is for you
riding on the wind
of my love
on the spirit of my hope
my belief
my dream
of the perfection of you

This kiss
is everything
I have
that I am
that I will be
Within this kiss
I have wrapped my essence
your magnifiscence
my amazement
your sincerity
my distraction

I am enamored by you
enthralled by you
enraptured by you
breathing in the
intimate scent of you
tasting the
masculine wonder of you

I can't explain it
can't express it
no words to put to it
no rhythm that quite captures it

but this kiss
this kiss is for you

Depression

Filled with the inexplicable sadness
that flows from the spirit
when something is wrong
but you can't quite locate it
acknowledge it
figure out what is making you so
empty
void
black

Feeling unprotected and
unimportant
unworthy and
unattractive

Suddenly sad
so very sad
wanting to protect my family and
be what they need
but so sure i will fail
have failed
have dipped my finger into
the delectable vat of sin
and swirled
enjoyed its taste
marinated in its
luscious thickness
and now the resiude
forever stains me

I am feeling lost
but this time,
I know this trap
recognize this space
clawing desperately to
break free
from depressions neverending trap.

Won't

A choice
I guess that's what it was
to write
or to be ____
filling in the blank
still left little choices
still left me empty

while he says the opposite
the message is clear
to receive love, my talents
cannot be on display
my visions must be silenced
my dark form
must only be his shadow

the price for love is not
plainly stated
its made clear in the
lack of acknowledgement
failure to respond
hesitance to support
refusal to read

so the proposal has been made
a choice obviously necessary
but i won't silence my heart
won't close up my mind
won't tuck away the blossoming me
to save this love

I won't

Resigning calm

Resignation
with resignation comes
calm, even contemplation
the remains of a
tired soul
a spent muse
energy bounded together and
neatly packaged, perfectly formed
removing the frayed edges
which are emotion:
heartache, love, confusion and hope

I no longer hope
no longer wait for change or
dare to believe that there is difference
every word brings us back
forming a tight circle,
a strangling noose
a spiral of pain resurfacing, never changing

because you focus blame on me

but resignation brings
a strange sort of calm
a powerful detachment
now I'm redirecting my energies
my love
toward rivers
that run to beautiful oceans
sparkling and crisp
full of life and eternal wonders
instead of pooling lifelessly
uselessly
in the dark marshy swamp
that is your heart

This Life of Mine

I need a new plan
a new strategy
for this life that I'm living
this plank that I'm walking

The people i love
knife me repeatedly
spit in my face
kick at my soul

and i excuse them
tiptoe around them
knowing that the fault is mine
because my existence is repugnant
my being, simply repulsive

But, unlovable though I feel
its no longer an excuse
no longer a viable option
to swallow the pain and press on
to forgive the unthinkable
to keep the peace

because pure love flows through me
manifests from me
creates something distinct
lovely and memorable within me
births creation and destiny
from me

Making me worth
at least a little something
deserving of
a little more
so I am claiming it
praying for it
seeking a better way
another option
a new plan
for this life of mine.

Simply You

It was you
and I just realized it

You
who disturbed
the stillness of my life
tore through my dull serenity
like a throbbing hunger
a potent implosion


You
generating a magnetic pull
a deep spiritual tug
buried in the back of my mind
waiting for its
calling, its inevitable wakening

You
reminding me of love
of soft touch
of secret delight

You
sending chills up my spine
and quiet grins of anticipation
promise of physical freedom
exhilaration
creating goosebumps and
longing promise of
caresses through the night

It took one look
into the deep swell of your eyes
the hesitant pause
that overwhelmed us both
captured us both and
I finally put my finger on it
the cause is you
Simply you.

All Yours

What if I told you
I thought you beautiful
statuesque
heavenly
godly

What it I wanted to
touch your hair
rub your scalp
massage your head
the back of your neck

What if I admitted
that your smile made my heart stop
made my breathe short
that I looked for you
each and every day
laying eyes on you
reset me
realigned me
righted me

What if I confessed that
I so desperately wanted to tell you
to talk to you
to hear your raspy voice
one more time
speaking to me
in friendly tones and loving words

What if I told you
I was all yours.

Nothing At All

He thought I was playing games
I see that now
Thought I wanted to have my cake
and devour it too
He saw my indecision
as manipulating
playing
teasing
designed to lure in more than one
engage with more than one
enjoy much more than one

But it wasn't

I didn't know where he stood
the signs floating past me
like fog in the wind and I
was afraid to let go
to try, to challenge
to believe in him
because
who believes in them?

I wasn't disingenuous
but thought my love was
too free, too open, so dangerous
so I reserved some piece of me
in the fun of it all
in the thrill of the chase

but when he found out
he seemed betrayed
and suddenly demanding all
he chose nothing at all.

Finally Living

It was so hard
then
difficult
impossible to breathe
to smile
to laugh
to relax
to enjoy
to live

Nightmares flooding my mind
panic crowding my thoughts
no exercise in fatih
no understanding of peace

My young life
seemed so painful
somewhat hopeless
then

It is easier
now
simpler now
savoring each moment
stretching each minute
thinking back without regret
longing without shame
loving without harm
reminscing without scars
dreaming without doubt
pursuing without fear
hungry for the future
living
living
I'm finally living

It is so much easier
now

Mean Something

I was about to die.
The truth blew threw me
in an uncomplicated way
no fear, no panic
just disappointment
that this was how my life
would end

The explosion of
mangled metal tore through the air
but with the realization of death
came silence
as my body lifted out of the seat
time stood still
a million thoughts, memories
experiences
flooded my mind
I would never get to college
my mother would never forgive me
I hadn't forgiven my father
how would my grandmother
survive the news
why hadn't i put on a seatbelt
what had my 17 years meant
to anyone?

Dear God. Please God. I need more time...

There was no pain
as time replaced itself
and my airborne seconds ended
when my head
crashed into an unseen barrier
Everything went black

But, eventually, my eyes opened
I was still here
He had given me
another chance
to make this life
mean something...

Unfulfilled

Can't you tell
I miss you
don't I
feel dry, withdrawn
isn't my space less cozy
my air less vibrant
my muse less sensual

I didn't make the connection
until sandpaper poured from my pen
scratched across my surface
and presented itself
in another dry poem

You
I miss you
you have left me
moved on or perhaps
forgotten
but the raw energy
you inspire in me
causes my fingertips to quiver as
bountiful sensuality
oozes from my pen
stimulates my mind and
enthralls my being

But without you
without the simple sight of you
I have retreated to dry
boring and
unfulfilled
my spark is gone

Loose Lips

He loosely drops
a hundred words
a minute
letting them carelessly
flow
from his lips
without measure
restraint or thought
he talks to hear himself
impress himself
convince himself that the
timid little boy within has
finally been destroyed and
the braggadocio, older version of him
is better
stronger
more likable

But I used to love the boy
took comfort in his quiet
in his determination
in that unsteady confidence gained from
being alone and
knowing its alrite

Now I stand here
grimacing
looking for an exit
a polite way to disappear
and remove myself
from this man
this mirror of his former self
with loose lips
spewing a continuous stream of
nonsensical wordage
in an attempt
to deflect speculation
from himself

An Old Soul

An old soul
or a wizened spirit
either way
her knowledge runs deep
like the rivers of ancient lands
her eyes sweep over me
and determine my anguish
understand my pain
her hands gently stroke my arm
as she seeks to calm me
to sympathize with me
this ageless soul
residing in such
a petite body
a tiny frame

I look down
meet her eyes
and see me
the me I used to be
when I had hope
and truly understood love
before abandonment painted me
pessimistic
and death taught me
callous truth

she is beautiful
such an old soul
such a heavy spirit
my special daughter
infusing purity into
my whirlwind reality

I wonder if she is
my protector
my encourager
if He knew I needed a reason
to keep trudging
to keep trying
and delivered this beautiful gift
to keep me aware
alive
encouraged
inspired

If I Let You Go

If i let you go
will you come back to me
think on what we are
and long to have it near
hold me close
reminisce on romantic bliss
and seek creative ways to recreate
our passion
our lust
our love

Or, if i let you go
will you get caught up
ride the sway of the wind
following wherever it may lead
distracted by the fluttering of
every beautiful butterfly
every soft feminine scent
round firm touch
delicate luring promise

Do I really have you
Or are you just resting here
appeasing a permanent need
with the temporary seduction of me

What happens when i let you go?