Friday, December 28, 2007

Remain Quiet

afraid to say
i love you
afraid it might be
too little, too late
I have doubted it
every time it passed your lips
frowned my face
wondering how
wondering why
why would you
or anyone
love me

But I am ready
ready to believe me
loveable
ready to believe me worthy
ready to try to bestow upon you
an emotion
I barely have for me
can I love you
if I don't know how to love me

I am unsure
but I want to try
I want to say it
I want to utter those three words
that seems so easy
but feel like
stones passing through my
vocal chords
I love you
but, dammit
I just can't say it

i can't force it
maybe one day you will realize
but, then again, maybe you won't
either way
I just remain quiet.

Monday, December 24, 2007

The Perfect Christmas

The Perfect Christmas

The sunlight trickles
through the window shades
snow, so light
falling perfectly
a dizzying maze of
unique imprinted
icicles from heaven

you
here with me
complete
hugged tight
my eyes resting on the festival of lights
boldly flashing from our
tiny tabletop tree

The begining
the first one
the future laid out in front of us
like an immaculately spread, magnifiscently prepared
bountiful buffet
meager gifts ignored;
You have already taken all of me and
I received the most intimately hidden wonders

of you

we have forever
we have right now
we have shared dreams
we have everything
wrapped in each other's arms
watching heavens exquisite sprinkles
I close my eyes and
melt like those beautiful snowflakes
in the sincere warmth of your kiss

the perfect Christmas

I Owe You

I think I owe you
a little bit more
maybe not the truth
Im not ready to
go there yet
but more

My loyalty
for all you have been
to me
a beam of support
a strength through the night
your whispered tones
trailing a path
down my neck
along my
sides
tickling me so lightly
caressing so gently

My patience
for any perceived fault
ignoring any deserved slight
understanding that we
have dragged this thing on
without definition
and frustration makes us
reach out and
harm, hurt and maim
one another

My love
for the brilliant being
that dwells so humbly
within you
that you mask and cover
but allow me to
peep and
revel in your shine

I owe you something
a little bit more
not the truth
not yet
but certainly
every other bit
of me

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Staring

Breathless
stunned and dazed
amazed
straddling your lap
sinking softly into your firmness
staring into your
light brown eyes
forehead pressed against yours
lips laid gently
upon yours
but not kissing
staring
with each rise
with each fall
staring
staring
staring
lost in this sea
your eyes
the wonder of your being

who is this person?
why does he inspire
beauty in me,
imagination and freedom
each whispered promise
singing like a gentle lullaby
soothing the crevices
of my soul
riding this ocean
slowly
so slowly
lifting and lowering with
each magnifiscent wave
my forehead against his
our eyes wide open, locked
united
lips touching, ever so softly
but parted, open
gasping
hypnotized
in love

do you remember?

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

The Truth

You want me to share you
but I don't want to
I am not ready to release
the fantasies of us
of the couple we could be
of the partnership we could have
of the lovin we could make
of the intimacies we could share

I am not ready
to relinquish all of that
to acknowledge this friendship
will never be romance
to announce to my heart
what my mind always suspected
I am nothin more
than your friend

Its selfish I know
immature, I admit
but the truth
is what it is
and I,
I am not ready
to let go

Avoidance

His eyes are on her
she can feel it
without looking
without confirming
becuase her heartbeat quickens
and her palms just got sweaty

He is watching her and
she is not sure why
it must be innocent,
his intentions
his wishes
although a million voltages
seem to pierce into her side
with each glance,
burning her mind
inflaming her imagination

She can't look back
not directly at him
she floats her eyes
over and around
under and beside
anything to avoid
his penetrating look
because the truth
is in her eyes
the wanting is drawn out
like a detailed portrait
and she can't control it
didn't ask for it
does not understand her primal response
her sexual magnetism
to his adoring stare


She looks everywhere
but not at him...

Monday, December 17, 2007

Soul Search

So tired of being alone
surrounded by people
but remaining companionless
interacting with so many
but being understood by
none

So tired of being alone
fighting back
empty, fending for myself
fighting for myself
defending my worth
my deserved love
trying to find a pocket in which
I finally fit
I am accepted
within which I can receive
unconditional love

Unconditional love
where he finds me delightful, just because
deserving, just because
irregardless of what things
I have done for him

Im tired
of the internal silence
invading my eardrums and
drowning out all other sound
while my soul searches
for its genuine mate

Im tired

Friday, December 14, 2007

She Took You Away

How did she
take you away from me?
tell me - i desperately need to know
Did she whisper in your ear
and affirm you masculine wonder
did she sprinkle you with affirmation
lightly oil you in excitement
in pure wonder
addicted to what you are
what you are capable of invoking?

Did she wield her pen
and scribe for you an intimate telling
a vision of the light that
shines in her innermost cavern,
of the candle you lit deep
deep, so deep within
by your unique scent
your pressured fingertips, and
the light tickle
from the tip of your perfect tongue?

Did she sing you a song
of lust
that out strummed my rhythm?
Did she dance for you
a sensuos overture that made you forget
how you made me sway
swing, dip, shake and vibrate
bellydancing my unique expression
for you?
Did she sit at the piano
stroking the melody that
your bountiful manness
automatically inspires
overplaying the many tunes
which poured from my hands?

Dont turn your back on me.
pleez, tell me
how did she
take you away from me?

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Ole Me

Felt alluring
sexy
mischievous and
adventurous
enjoying flirting
light hearted teasing
seeing your response and
your intense reaction

but then
I spotted my reflection
and my facade
came tumbling down
instead of the
temptress
the femme fatale
I wanted to be
I spotted
plain ole brown me
just me

the energy drained out of me
the confidence seeped away
my insecurities weighed
like a brick
around my throat
I became
embarrassed, humiliated
I fell quiet
while you watched me, confused

But what had I been thinking
how had I fooled myself
how had I forgotten the basic truth
who would want
the plain brown ordinary
ole me

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

What If

What if
I have always loved you
really
What if
our first meeting
was destiny
a divine plan
a universal intervention

What if
we were supposed to
always know each other
be here for each other

What if
we messed it up
when you chose her
and I chose him
what if the choosing
swung us away from
what our fate had
already determined
aligning us only
in a friendship
in a supportship
instead of
a lifeship

Tell me the truth
Haven't you ever wondered
what if?

The Departing

I knew
it was the last time
I would see his face
my heart hurt
becuase there was
nothing I could do
no way I could
stop time
turn back fate
and make it different

My blessed grandfather
cried when he saw me
tears poured down his face
as I hugged him tight
I needed to see him
My soul told me to go
to make it happen
but I didn't realize
until the morning of my
return flight home
that I would
never see him
alive
again

I just knew
as he stood in the carport
and waved at me
blew kisses
his smooth dark face
wet with tears
a sudden fear
realization claimed my sense
clenched my insides
the desperate need to
vomit
overtook my brain
I couldn't stop the car
I couldn't turn back time
I didn't know the time or the date
but my soul
felt like a stone
dropping to the very pit of me

I never saw him
alive
again

Just Because

Just because
you haven't seen me latelty
doesn't mean
I haven't thought of you
wished you well
wondered about you
hoped the best for you

Just because I haven't
had time to cross your path
doesn't mean
I'm not still
amazed by you
so impressed by you
encouraging you
inspired by you

Just because you haven't
seen my face
met my eyes
heard my voice
doesn't mean
that the caring is
any less intense
the longing
any less real
the desire
any less acute

Just because our life's path
hasn't crossed again
doesn't mean I
don't hold you dear
hold you near

Just because...

Friday, December 07, 2007

Forever

The truth is
I want to make love to you

I want to wrap my arms
around you
I want to kiss you deeply
passionately
make the roof of your mouth
tingle

The truth is
I want to learn you
learn what you like
love
what makes you lose control
what makes you stare at me
watch me
with a mystified expression
as you feel new sensations
and learn love
on a deeper level

The truth is
I want to make love to you
to physically express all these emotions
that you stir up within me
until you shudder with delight
until you feel as special
as wanted
as adored
as loved
as you make me feel

The truth is
I could go on and on
forever

Thursday, December 06, 2007

In Love

I think I
love you
as impossible as it sounds
as unlikely as
it may be
as simple as the concept is
it has confused every
aspect of me

This burning breathless
sensation
doesn't feel good
needing to see you
doesn't feel pleasant
I feel lik I am
running out of breath
water is rising rising
soon to cover my head
and drown me in the
thoughts of you

You got me panicked
not sure if you will stay
not wanting you to go
can't lay claim
can't figure out why

I, I think I am
in love with you
but I don't like
the feel of love
the aftertaste
clings to me
uncomfortable, this fit is
too tight
to uncertain and I am
entirely too
vulnerable

Run Away

I always retreat, huh?
when this becomes too close
too real
too open
me wide
that's when its time
for me to withdraw

You do it too
don't act like you don't
a deep conversation
a whispered reality
my dreams and fantasies
a forbidden visit
hours we will share
then, you
don't return a phone call
an email
a text
and we remain on mute
for months at a time

I retreat
You withdraw
we collide
by fate, by coincidence
another phone call
another conversation
another uniting
another blissful encounter
and we both run away
we both run away

Tore It Up

I wrote you a love letter
from the deepest regions of my heart
My pen bled my hidden secrets
how much I've loved you
for so long

But I tore it up.

I wrote you a truth
a simple truth
and in the writing I discovered
that you have always been a part of me
that we have always had a safe space
a special boundary
but I have always wanted more

I never realized it
until I read
my own writing
and
accepting reality
I tore it up.

I tore it up
because we have never
come close
and I will never be bold enough
to tell the truth
brave enough
to say what I feel
no matter how you will respond
making me weak
spineless
and leaving me with
nothing more
than tiny shreds of paper

I wrote the truth
but I tore it up.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Molten Lava

Like molten lava
deep ebony chocolate
surging smoothness of
definte perfected proportions
I finally really see you

speechless
wordless
my brain ceases communication
terminates background noise
cingularly directed
magnetized and focused

Like carmelized sugar
deeply enriched honey
a slight taste
overwhelms the sense
raising the pressure and igniting fantasies
leaving me longing
wishing
wanting for
another chance with you
another chance with
molten chocolate lava
burning a deep path
across my being...

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Beautiful Soul

In the wee hours of the night
I see your eyes
watching
wanting
wishing
remembering
I am captivated
wishing I could read
the unspoken words
the untraced thoughts
the silent meaning
the havy longing

In the wee hours of the night
I feel you watching
I crack my lids
to silently meet you
reveal the mirrored emotion
stare into the windows
of your beautiful soul